# The 33 things I will do should I ever become a starship captain: **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 2, 2004, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158 "2004-10-02T05:38:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Balle\_M](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/13edae/32.png) [@Balle\_M](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balle_M)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2004, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158/81 "2004-10-04T18:50:52Z")
> [@Lumpy](#): > > Ever been hit by a Taser? Those things will take down Andre the Giant on angel dust. It’s not a matter of pain or toughness: it’s your peripheral nervous system crashing. They are Marines. Unless I think they _need_ a peripheral nervous system, they will not be issued one. ---
**Author:** ![Labtrash](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/labtrash/32/528_2.png) [@Labtrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labtrash)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2004, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158/82 "2004-10-04T18:56:08Z")
Plans for all capital ships / bases, etc., shall be checked BEFORE manufacture for any and all possible routes of entry by smaller craft (or munitions), and any such paths into my ship / base shall be plugged. This will include multiple weapons platforms built into my hangar bays to prevent unauthorized entry. The next time I lose a base because of a damn lucky torpedo shot, or because some “engineer” leaves a hole big enough for a freighter to fly INTO MY BASE, THEN BACK OUT OF IT WHILE IT’S BLOWING UP, or because some punk-ass KID or robot flies into my hangar bay, I’m gonna scream… ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2004, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158/83 "2004-10-04T19:26:31Z")
> [@casdave](#): > > I will install toilets in my ship despite the fact that none have been observed on any spaceship in any film or tv series. We got a quick glimpse of the inside of a men’s room on “Babylon 5”. Didn’t see any of the fixtures, but there must have been a variety, as we see a Pak’mara leaving a booth. ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2004, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158/84 "2004-10-04T23:01:14Z")
> [@casdave](#): > > I will install toilets in my ship despite the fact that none have been observed on any spaceship in any film or tv series. Do you remember the brig scene in Star Trek V, where Kirk pushes a button (I think) and a seat pops ou of the wall, then Kirk sits down? He sits down, anyway, that much I do remember. I’m not sure there was a button. Well, what he sits on, that’s a toilet, that is. There’s a sign on it saying something like “do not flush while in spacedock.” ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2004, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158/85 "2004-10-04T23:21:59Z")
My ship needs a Wesley crusher. If Wesley comes on board, it WILL be used. ---
**Author:** ![Tripler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripler/32/21807_2.png) [@Tripler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tripler)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2004, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158/86 "2004-10-04T23:25:27Z")
1. Should an alien boarding party make it onto my ship, I reserve the right to invoke the **Tripler Repelling Tactic** , systematically sealing off and depressurizing the held compartments to the vacuum of space. If hostages are held or our Marines are actually engaged in combat with the party, they would be best obliged to make peace with the God of their choice. The needs of the many [sub]like, the rest of the starship[/sub] outweigh the needs of the few, or the one. . . 2. I will make sure I have just as many firing weapons pointed _behind_ me as I do in _front_ of me. Just in case I have to shoot and run. . . 3. Crew members will have the chance to write slogans and propaganda on the photon torpedoes before we launch them. However, all slogans will be in good taste and be respectful of race, gender, creed, religion, or age. That way we can smile about how professional we were when we sent 1.5 kg of matter/antimatter warhead up your arse. 4. NASCAR-like corporate sponsorship will now be available on all ships of the fleet. Stops at starbases will now be referred to as “pit stops”, and commanders will be encouraged to do “victory donuts” in space immediately after winning a strategic battle. Monthly tailgate barbecues will also be scheduled in the main shuttlebay. Tripler And beer will be served, on tap, at those tailgaters. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2004, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158/87 "2004-10-04T23:31:43Z")
> [@Tripler](#): > > 1. Crew members will have the chance to write slogans and propaganda on the photon torpedoes before we launch them. However, all slogans will be in good taste and be respectful of race, gender, creed, religion, or age. That way we can smile about how professional we were when we sent 1.5 kg of matter/antimatter warhead up your arse. “While we respect your cultural uniqueness and hope for a peaceful future between our two species, it is an unfortunate side effect of the current political situation that requires you to eat vacuum, you rat-bastard Romulan.” ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2004, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158/88 "2004-10-04T23:38:46Z")
> [@Peter Morris](#): > > Do you remember the brig scene in Star Trek V, where Kirk pushes a button (I think) and a seat pops ou of the wall, then Kirk sits down? He sits down, anyway, that much I do remember. I’m not sure there was a button. Well, what he sits on, that’s a toilet, that is. There’s a sign on it saying something like “do not flush while in spacedock.” Waste extraction is often referred to on DS9 and I can think of at least one shower scene in Voyager. They exist… there’s just no need to show the characters using the bathroom. ---
**Author:** ![ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b4bc9f/32.png) [@ZombiesAteMyBrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZombiesAteMyBrain)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2004, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158/89 "2004-10-04T23:47:44Z")
> [@Peter Morris](#): > > My ship needs a Wesley crusher. If Wesley comes on board, it WILL be used. You mean you don’t want a smart-arse kid sitting there second-guessing you? How strange! However, crushing him might be considered cruel and unusual punishment - why not just use the nearest trusty airlock? ---
**Author:** ![DirkGntly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d9b06d/32.png) [@DirkGntly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DirkGntly)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2004, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158/90 "2004-10-04T23:50:18Z")
During hopeless battle situations, _Ride of the Valkyries_ will be played on the ship-wide speaker system - LOUDLY After WINNING the hopeless battle situation, _We are the Champions_ by Queen will be played. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2004, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158/91 "2004-10-04T23:50:38Z")
> [@ZombiesAteMyBrain](#): > > You mean you don’t want a smart-arse kid sitting there second-guessing you? How strange! > > However, crushing him might be considered cruel and unusual punishment - why not just use the nearest trusty airlock? Let him use the site-to-site transporter trick, BUT screw around with the calibration and beam his ass into a bulkhead. ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2004, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158/92 "2004-10-05T00:18:47Z")
> [@Tripler](#): > > 1. Should an alien boarding party make it onto my ship, I reserve the right to invoke the **Tripler Repelling Tactic** , systematically sealing off and depressurizing the held compartments to the vacuum of space. If hostages are held or our Marines are actually engaged in combat with the party, they would be best obliged to make peace with the God of their choice. The needs of the many [sub]like, the rest of the starship[/sub] outweigh the needs of the few, or the one. . . This rule shall not apply if the hostage is the Captain. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2004, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158/93 "2004-10-05T02:39:21Z")
> [@DirkGntly](#): > > During hopeless battle situations, _Ride of the Valkyries_ will be played on the ship-wide speaker system - LOUDLY > > After WINNING the hopeless battle situation, _We are the Champions_ by Queen will be played. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with a homosexual starship. Sorry if I repeat anything but: 1. There will be a full complement of Marines and Special Operations soldiers trained in ship to ship boarding tactics, security, hostage rescue and special operations. 2. There will ALWAYS be a watch on critical areas of the ship - transporters, weapons, the brig, shuttle bays, bridge, so on. 3. Bridge crew belongs on the bridge, not on “away” missions. 4. Any critical exhaust vents will be properly armored and shielded. 5. A range of armaments will be appropriate against large capital ships, fighters and everything in between. 6. The ships cook will be an ex-Navy SEAL. This fact will be hidden from the crew 7. Shuttlecraft will be secured against anyone simply taking one for a joy ride 8. Enough spares will be kept on board to ensure that a damaged fusion hypercoil or whatever won’t strand us in deep space for ten years 9. Only factory certified parts will be used in transporters or holodecks 10. Two words - redundant backups! ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2004, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158/94 "2004-10-05T04:01:00Z")
> [@Aesiron](#): > > […]and I can think of at least one shower scene in Voyager. So, I guess we can assume then that in the 24th century, everyone pees in the shower? :eek: 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2004, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158/95 "2004-10-05T04:11:24Z")
Sure, why not? It’s all being recycled for future use anyway. ---
**Author:** ![don\_Jaime](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b4bc9f/32.png) [@don\_Jaime](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_Jaime)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2004, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158/96 "2004-10-05T04:21:54Z")
My ship, amongst other things, is a vessel of war. Any hostile movement or action against it constitutes an act of war and will be met in kind. I will not hold fire to preserve the peace, as the peace has already been shattered. My crew and I are military personnel, not members of the diplomatic corps. If you are a member of the diplomatic corps aboard my ship, these are the rules: 1. Keep your diplomatic ass out of my bridge, my engineering section, and my other vital function centers. You have no business there. If you need to talk with me about something, consult my assistant and make an appointment. It better be good, too. I don’t interfere with your mission, you don’t interfere with mine. 2. Do not order my crew around. This goes double for senior officers. We don’t answer to you. There will be a liaison officer assigned to help you with onboard matters, but that officer answers to me. If you ask the liaison officer for something that cannot or will not be done per my orders, it ain’t going to happen, Jack. 3. Do not demand we change course or mission, ever. You can ask politely, but it probably makes no difference. If we get rerouted to a rescue mission, your embassy is stuck and I’m sorry. If your contact won’t give you a second chance, they probably didn’t want to make an agreement anyway. 4. You may not talk to anything attacking the ship. Whatever it is, it’s trying to kill us or is trying to force an agreement rather than negotiate one. Either way, your services aren’t terribly useful. I understand that your species may have radically different ideas about private property than mine has. However, the concept of reciprocity is pretty much universal. Widespread pilfering without roughly equitable return will not be tolerated. This means you cannot run off with all our shiny things, even if you leave behind a bunch of useless calabashes. We want something as good as the shiny things back, and you likely can’t afford it. If theft is out of control, or a significantly large object (on the order of a shuttlecraft) goes missing, I reserve the right to kidnap your chiefs and ransom the goods back. If I should take too small a force to effect the kidnapping and get killed in a melee, then you can expect my crew to riot and massacre anyone they can catch. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2004, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158/97 "2004-10-05T04:24:02Z")
> [@](#): > > 1. Should an alien boarding party make it onto my ship, I reserve the right to invoke the Tripler Repelling Tactic, systematically sealing off and depressurizing the held compartments to the vacuum of space. If hostages are held or our Marines are actually engaged in combat with the party, they would be best obliged to make peace with the God of their choice. The needs of the many like, the rest of the starship outweigh the needs of the few, or the one. . . > > 2. I will make sure I have just as many firing weapons pointed behind me as I do in front of me. Just in case I have to shoot and run. . . To add to these two: Marines and other security personnel will be issued with personal breathing apparatus, just for such contingencies. At the first suggestion of a threat of boarding, before hostages can be taken, security forces will don their breathers and all corridors will be evacuated. And I will not have any weapons pointed forward or back. All weapons systems will mounted such that they can be aimed over at least half the sky each, and preferably the entire sky. I will not settle for using only half of my available firepower versus an enemy in any given direction. ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2004, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158/98 "2004-10-05T04:34:18Z")
1. If I am stuck far from home, and a wormhole allows me to get home quickly at the expense of leaving an isolated, peaceful race to take it’s chance with a slighlty more advanced and more agressive race, I’d take the wormhole home. I would not stay behind and lose my chance to get home out of some misplaced sympathy for a race that would have been screwed if I hadn’t showed up. Besides, they should have been developing WMD’s like the rest of us, learning to keep the scum of the universe off their back. 129.If I have to stay, I reserve the right to make any alliances and sell off any tech I want. They’re spacefaring races, they’re big boys and mature enough to be able to wipe their own asses. I don’t have the right to be all santimonous, keeping my crew away from their familes just because I’m too stupid to realize that altering the local balance of power is nothing like beaming down to a primitive planet and going all conqusitdor on their ass, and thus, the prime directive(if we have one) has nothing to do with people who can build spaceships. 1. Any officers with a Politically correct view of the universe that puts the ship in danger will be immediatly be busted down to the lowest enlisted rank and given the worst job on the ship. 2. Any crew members who start going on about how primitive and barbaric every generation preceeding ours was, withen earshot, will be marooned on the nearest world with a breathable atmosphere, preferably one that is covered with wild jungles or trackless deserts. 3. Any crew members who start talking about how bad the 20th century was will be forced to spend 30 days in the holodeck, with the program “Whitechapel, London, 1888” loaded. The safeties will be off. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2004, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158/99 "2004-10-05T04:41:39Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > To add to these two: Marines and other security personnel will be issued with personal breathing apparatus, just for such contingencies. At the first suggestion of a threat of boarding, before hostages can be taken, security forces will don their breathers and all corridors will be evacuated. Half measures like that will have your people speaking Klingon in less than a generation. To hell with personal breathing apparatus. All on-duty personal wear pressure suits at all times. They can keep the helmets off when there’s no actual alert, but at the first hint of danger, helmets go on, all non-critical personel lock themselves into cushioned, pressurized, armored, and radiation shielded cabinets for the duration. All on-duty personel put on their helmets, pressurize their suits, and then life support is turned off (more power for weapons) and the internal atmosphere vented (to prevent fires). ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2004, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158/100 "2004-10-05T05:03:57Z")
Betazoid (and supposedly psychic) counselors who say ridiculously unhelpful things like “I sense feelings of hostility” when a Vulcan Bird of Prey is firing at us will be ejected into space immediately, as they’re a waste of space and oxygen. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-33-things-i-will-do-should-i-ever-become-a-starship-captain/267158.md?page=6)