# The 5 Worst Army Men Of All Time **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 28, 2010, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-5-worst-army-men-of-all-time/537627 "2010-04-28T14:55:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-5-worst-army-men-of-all-time/537627/41 "2010-04-29T04:15:09Z")
In the game _Warhammer 40,000_, one of the armies is the Imperia Guard, which are quasai-futuristic army men. Since they come unassembled, you can glue them together. My Cadian company consists of fun little customizations I did- -All the mortar teams are doing something goofy; one has the loader loading the mortar in backward while the other guy is looking in horror. The other has an angry officer socking the poor Pvt in the gut, and so forth. -The tank commander has a huge honkin sword which he is wielding in mid-swing. The idea was I was going to get some little alien guys (rippers or hormagaunts) and have them swarming over the tank, with this guy nobly fending them off. Because in the grimdark future of the year 40,000, the best way to protect against xenos attacks on tanks is big-honking swords. Or chain saws šŸ˜ƒ -A penal legion consisting of a bunch of rambo-type guys, but rather than just give them lasguns/knives (boring!) I got creative. I had some holding lasguns gangsta-style, others had a very random assortment of weapons I ordered online (tiny hockey sticks, chain saws, board w/a nail in it, etc) ---
**Author:** ![Dag\_Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@Dag\_Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dag_Otto)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-5-worst-army-men-of-all-time/537627/42 "2010-04-29T04:28:11Z")
Best comment: [QUOTE=skunkworker] As someone once said, ā€œyou go to war with the turkey legs you haveā€“not the turkey legs you might want to have at a later time.ā€ [/QUOTE] I had the regular Army men, plus I had some bigger 6 inch long soldiers made of the same hard plastic but not so sucky. They were like the giant freaky carpenter ants vs the little piss ants. I bit the heads off a few of them. No idea why, seemed like a good idea at the time. They didnā€™t complain. ---
**Author:** ![Grumman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/43a26b/32.png) [@Grumman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grumman)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-5-worst-army-men-of-all-time/537627/43 "2010-04-29T05:23:22Z")
> [@Incubus](#): > > -The tank commander has a huge honkin sword which he is wielding in mid-swing. The idea was I was going to get some little alien guys (rippers or hormagaunts) and have them swarming over the tank, with this guy nobly fending them off. Because in the grimdark future of the year 40,000, the best way to protect against xenos attacks on tanks is big-honking swords. Or chain saws šŸ˜ƒ ā€œDrive me closer! I want to hit them with my sword!ā€ One customisation Iā€™ve seen which I thought was quite cool was a space marine wincing and shielding his face as he fired his plasma gun (a gun prone to overheating and killing the operator). ---
**Author:** ![Umbriel2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/4af34b/32.png) [@Umbriel2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Umbriel2)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-5-worst-army-men-of-all-time/537627/44 "2010-04-29T06:49:56Z")
> [@TheHegemon](#): > > I think the ā€œsuitcaseā€ might have been a satchel charge dude was preparing to throw. They describe him [on the above-cited Army Men Home Page](http://www.thortrains.net/armymen/newpic04/mar54x2.html) as ā€œRunning With Ammo Canā€, though itā€™s not all that detailed a box, and could as easily have served as a small first-aid kit or some sort of box for delivering messages, or perhaps lunchā€¦ > [@garygnu](#): > > The mortar squad in my platoon was [just one guy](http://www.tvandfilmtoys.com/images/army_mortar.jpg). > > I never got marching guys or dead guys. [Also according to the above site](http://www.thortrains.net/armymen/newpic04/timm16a1.html), that oneā€™s a ā€œTim Meeā€ Vietnam-era figure, quite different from the WWII-era Marx series shown in the article. In my experience, the ā€œTim Meeā€ were the most commonly encountered toy soldiers in the late '60s and '70s, sold in bags at convenience and grocery stores, as well as toy stores. I think theyā€™re also the basis for the toy soldiers in Disneyā€™s _Toy Story_. The Marx soldiers only came in big boxed sets like the ā€œBattlegroundā€ and ā€œNavaroneā€ sets. Those were distinct from the Marx ā€œmetal suitcaseā€ playsets, which I believe came with [slightly smaller scale figures](http://www.thortrains.net/armymen/newpic04/45mmb.html). While the above site [identifies ā€œWTFā€ guy as a mortarman](http://www.thortrains.net/armymen/mar54gi1.html), I agree, as **Scumpup** suggests,that thereā€™s a case to be made for his being a bazooka loader. The only mortar in the Marx sets was a separate piece molded from hard plastic. This had three ready rounds molded into its base, and was clearly of a larger caliber than the round the figure was holding. Also, his arm didnā€™t reach high enough to load the weapon. I recall as a kid being bothered by that, and realizing that if you twisted the soft plastic figureā€™s wrist to make the round horizontal, it was just the right height and size to go with the bazooka. A friend and I made a few primitive Super-8 animated movies staring my soldiers. For one we made a couple small buildings out of construction paper, which we then ā€œblew upā€ using paint thinner (we used gasoline in an early experiment, but it went up too abruptly to appreciate). For another, we actually dug a small, shallow trench and filled it with water for a river battle. I actually still ā€œmusterā€ them from time to time for [more formal skirmish wargaming](http://theminiaturespage.com/rules/ww2/bgww2.html). Good nostalgic fun. ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 8:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-5-worst-army-men-of-all-time/537627/45 "2010-04-29T08:10:26Z")
> [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > Remember what they looked like after you left them in the field overnight and your dad went over them with the lawnmower? You could make a slide show of them with the _Adagio for Strings_ in the background. Your dad probably even set them up so they ran from the Mower Of Doom, cackling maniacally as he rendered them asunder. ---
**Author:** ![Walther\_Ego](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8dc957/32.png) [@Walther\_Ego](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walther_Ego)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 9:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-5-worst-army-men-of-all-time/537627/46 "2010-04-29T09:22:06Z")
Mine were all Airfix, very similar to the American ones in the links. As th emost useless I nominate, both from the German Alpjaeger: 1. Cyclists. There was usually enough of firepower to assume you canā€™t get to run your enemy over with a bicycle. 2. Ski-carrying troops. While the actual skier could be envisioned in a cool James Bond type chase, the ski-carryers can only harm anybody in a slapsticks type of scenario. I had more of these than any of my friends which increased my popularity cinsuderably. From WWII I had at least German infantry Africa korps Paratroopers Alpjaeger British infantry combat group (I have no idea why the complex name) 8th army paratroopers commandos US marines Japanese infantry Soviet infantry And then I had other stuff, a lot of. I had easily over 20 boxes so close to a thousand soldiers. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 10:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-5-worst-army-men-of-all-time/537627/47 "2010-04-29T10:37:10Z")
> [@blondebear](#): > > Someone has put a lot of effort into army man research: [The Army Men Homepage](http://www.thortrains.net/armymen/) (lots of other miniature plastic figures, too!) > > . Nifty site. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-5-worst-army-men-of-all-time/537627/48 "2010-04-29T14:16:15Z")
> [@Incubus](#): > > In the game _Warhammer 40,000_, one of the armies is the Imperia Guard, which are quasai-futuristic army men. Since they come unassembled, you can glue them together. My Cadian company consists of fun little customizations I did- > > -All the mortar teams are doing something goofy; one has the loader loading the mortar in backward while the other guy is looking in horror. The other has an angry officer socking the poor Pvt in the gut, and so forth. I wanted to do stuff like this when I was doing my friendā€™s IG, but he wouldnā€™t let me. And they were all metal Mordian Iron Guard, which is a lot tougher to convert. ---
**Author:** ![Surly\_Chick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@Surly\_Chick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surly_Chick)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-5-worst-army-men-of-all-time/537627/49 "2010-04-29T14:44:08Z")
This thread is one of the reasons I love the Dope. ---
**Author:** ![Umbriel2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/4af34b/32.png) [@Umbriel2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Umbriel2)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-5-worst-army-men-of-all-time/537627/50 "2010-04-29T18:03:56Z")
> [@Walther\_Ego](#): > > Mine were all Airfix, very similar to the American ones in the links. As th emost useless I nominate, both from the German Alpjaeger: > > 1. Cyclists. There was usually enough of firepower to assume you canā€™t get to run your enemy over with a bicycle. > > 2. Ski-carrying troops. While the actual skier could be envisioned in a cool James Bond type chase, the ski-carryers can only harm anybody in a slapsticks type of scenario. > > I had more of these than any of my friends which increased my popularity cinsuderably. From WWII I had at least > > German > infantry > Africa korps > Paratroopers > Alpjaeger > > British > infantry combat group (I have no idea why the complex name) > 8th army > paratroopers > commandos > > US marines > > Japanese infantry > > Soviet infantry > > And then I had other stuff, a lot of. I had easily over 20 boxes so close to a thousand soldiers. I got (and still have) most of those Airfix sets also. I think there were some differences in the ones marketed in the US ā€“ my German mountain troops had no bicyclists, for example. Besides overall historical accuracy, the best thing about the Airfix sets for me was that they had a [German officer actually firing a pistol](http://www.airfixtoysoldiers.com/german_infantry.htm), instead of just looking through binoculars or standing around giving orders. That made him the go-to badass final villain figure. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-5-worst-army-men-of-all-time/537627/51 "2010-04-29T18:46:04Z")
> [@Umbriel2](#): > > Besides overall historical accuracy, the best thing about the Airfix sets for me was that they had a [German officer actually firing a pistol](http://www.airfixtoysoldiers.com/german_infantry.htm), instead of just looking through binoculars or standing around giving orders. Did the set come with a little partisan or ā€œuntermenschā€ to pose with him? ---
**Author:** ![Morbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morbo/32/389_2.png) [@Morbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morbo)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2010, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-5-worst-army-men-of-all-time/537627/52 "2010-04-29T20:05:27Z")
> [@Umbriel2](#): > > They describe him [on the above-cited Army Men Home Page](http://www.thortrains.net/armymen/newpic04/mar54x2.html) as ā€œRunning With Ammo Canā€, though itā€™s not all that detailed a box, and could as easily have served as a small first-aid kit or some sort of box for delivering messages, or perhaps lunchā€¦ Not him, but same idea. Thanks to this thread and the links within, I actually [found](http://www.thortrains.net/armymen/marx60gi.html) him - heā€™s Ammo Carrier. Uh, OK, I guess - still no explanation for why heā€™s doing the boogie with his other arm. ---
**Author:** ![Uncle\_Brother\_Walker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f08c70/32.png) [@Uncle\_Brother\_Walker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncle_Brother_Walker)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2010, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-5-worst-army-men-of-all-time/537627/53 "2010-04-30T03:46:11Z")
This article hit the [military dot com website](http://undertheradar.military.com/2010/04/remembering-the-five-worst-army-men-of-all-time/?ESRC=soldiertech.nl) You guys are making me jealous. I wish I still had my army men. Though Iā€™m sure they wouldnā€™t be in very good condition today. ---
**Author:** ![Umbriel2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/4af34b/32.png) [@Umbriel2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Umbriel2)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2010, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-5-worst-army-men-of-all-time/537627/54 "2010-04-30T05:36:57Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Did the set come with a little partisan or ā€œuntermenschā€ to pose with him? He definitely has that sinister air. Unfortunately, neither Airfix nor anyone else ever produced a partisan set, though I recall [assembling a small hard plastic figure kit](http://miletmaq.hp.infoseek.co.jp/Ladies/PartisansEs35/PartisansEs35E.html) to attack O gauge troop trains. ---
**Author:** ![elmwood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmwood/32/3060_2.png) [@elmwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elmwood)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2010, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-5-worst-army-men-of-all-time/537627/55 "2010-05-01T12:31:34Z")
[The North Korean version of WTF Man](http://media.nowpublic.net/images/cf/5/cf595cb4c857eb2bb0b8937ac27f5917.jpg). Heā€™s going to run those mortars himself into the US Capitol! ---
**Author:** ![Pushkin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ee59a6/32.png) [@Pushkin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pushkin)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2010, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-5-worst-army-men-of-all-time/537627/56 "2010-05-02T22:52:04Z")
> [@Umbriel2](#): > > Besides overall historical accuracy, the best thing about the Airfix sets for me was that they had a [German officer actually firing a pistol](http://www.airfixtoysoldiers.com/german_infantry.htm), instead of just looking through binoculars or standing around giving orders. That made him the go-to badass final villain figure. Having had several packs of toy soldiers handed down to me in the 80s, I remember that German officer fairly well. From the airfix site I seem to see a few other very detailed packs my uncle may have had as a kid, including the Commandos. The attention to detail on those soldiers was quite high for a small kids toy, the radio operator especially. Mixed in with them were some fairly anonymous plastic soldiers and Britains soldiers with metal bases, amongst them this [dude](http://www.collectorsconnection.com/imagesh6/49a522.jpg) :dubious: I think I have representatives of some of [this](http://www.treefrogtreasures.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10542) collection somewhere, Iā€™m still not sure what branch of the US military went to war in green with yellow belts though. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2010, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-5-worst-army-men-of-all-time/537627/57 "2010-05-02T23:07:44Z")
I guess Iā€™m just weird: When I was a little guy I used to play with plastic army men and I loved all the minesweeping, mortar-launching marchers. I would try to set up a real battle with minesweepers out ahead clearing the way, guys on the radio calling in strikes and men marching in formation. Come to think of it, this was probably a precursor to my Warhammer hobby. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-5-worst-army-men-of-all-time/537627.md?page=2)