# The 52 Funniest Things about the Upcoming Death of the Pope... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 4, 2005, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893 "2005-03-04T14:10:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Nocturne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9fc348/32.png) [@Nocturne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nocturne)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893/21 "2005-03-05T00:46:13Z")
> [@Ponder Stibbons](#): > > And if for some bizarre reason he was hanged, would that make him the straight pope dope on a rope? And if he was a werewolf, would that make him the straight lycanthrope pope dope on a rope? ---
**Author:** ![Casey1505](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893/22 "2005-03-05T00:59:20Z")
And if he was blessing an attractive woman’s chest, would he be straight lycanthrope pope dope on a rope, copping a grope? ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893/23 "2005-03-05T01:05:33Z")
Gets to heaven, finds that Freemasons are in charge. ---
**Author:** ![Garfield226](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Garfield226](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Garfield226)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893/24 "2005-03-05T01:06:29Z")
> [@Casey1505](#): > > And if he was blessing an attractive woman’s chest, would he be straight lycanthrope pope dope on a rope, copping a grope? Nope. ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893/25 "2005-03-05T01:11:00Z")
Gets to heaven and finds out that Mormonism _was_ the right answer. Robin ---
**Author:** ![detop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@detop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/detop)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893/26 "2005-03-05T01:49:04Z")
> [@Guy\_Incognito](#): > > They ask god for the straight dope Finally ! The confirmation we were waiting for : CECIL IS GOD ! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![emekthian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ecae2f/32.png) [@emekthian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emekthian)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893/27 "2005-03-05T02:23:30Z")
I have to admit that I chuckled at the “Not only is the Pope a woman, but also Hitler” one. But the rest weren’t funny at all. Crude, even downright viciously offensive humor doesn’t bother me, but this was too stupid to be worthy of the name “humor”. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893/28 "2005-03-05T04:56:44Z")
Humor can be offensive, but it has to be funny. This list, for the most part, was too much of the former and not enough of the latter. Here’s the funny ones: 30.Michael Jackson too broke to buy Pope’s bones. 28.Bears everywhere shitting in woods. 27.We’ll never get to hear his hilarious post-tracheotomy rendition of “Come on Eileen.” 26.Pope recovers and survives until 2009; New York Press columnist Matt Taibbi beheaded by passing garbage truck, March 2, 2005. 23.Doctors examining the body discover that the Pope was not only a woman, but also Hitler. 21.Telltale white smoke emitting from Vatican chimneys announces a) choice of new Pope, and b) the fiery death of the 5000 back issues of Manscape and Hung Inches that had accumulated in the Vatican lobby. 16.NBC Nightly News intern pulls wrong tape from drawer full of long-ago archived video obits; world thinks Boris Yeltsin has died, wonders why Brian Williams is calling him an “inspirational spiritual leader.” 9.Bush on the tragic event: “Our thoughts and prayers go out to this great man and all of his many children.” ---
**Author:** ![SiouxChief](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@SiouxChief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SiouxChief)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893/29 "2005-03-05T04:56:54Z")
Last April my friends and I went to see an exhibit at the Cincinnati Museum Center named “Saint Peter and the Vatican: The Legacy of the Popes” The exhibit was full of artwork from the vatican, relics, vestments, and other items from throughout the history of the papacy. I’m Catholic, and was trying to show reverence at the exhibit, but one thing in the exhibit that made me laugh out loud was the “papal death hammer”. It’s a silver hammer that hit the pope with when they think he’s dead. The idea seemed absurd to me, but apparently was long-standing tradition until 1903. [Cite](http://www.americamagazine.org/papaltransition.cfm) (See the section, “What happens when the pope dies?”) I was particularly pleased to see that they didn’t sell souvenir papal death hammers at the gift shop… I got a bit of a chuckle out of the silver “liturgical drinking straw”, too ---
**Author:** ![fishbicycle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aeb1de/32.png) [@fishbicycle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fishbicycle)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893/30 "2005-03-05T05:27:22Z")
> [@SiouxChief](#): > > …the “papal death hammer”. It’s a silver hammer that hit the pope with when they think he’s dead. That’s the funniest damned thing I’ve read in ages! My face is sore from laughing! Those wacky Catholics! ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893/31 "2005-03-05T05:41:32Z")
I’ve heard about the “papal death hammer” and I agree it’s funny. The idea that a group of Cardinals are going to standing around the Pope’s deathbed, arguing about whether he’s dead or just sleeping, and the best idea they’ll be able to come up with is to hit him on the head with a hammer - it sounds like a Monty Python sketch. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893/32 "2005-03-05T05:48:15Z")
“Hey, Giovanni, look at the Pope.” “What? He’s fine.” “No, I think he’s dead.” “He’s sleeping.” “No, look, he’s not moving.” “He’s just sleeping.” “I think he’s dead. Get the hammer.” “I am not getting the hammer.” “C’mon, just a tap.” “You remember how mad he got last time?” “Well, that time he _was_ sleeping. This time I think he’s really dead.” “Easy for you to say. You’re not the one who was named Archbishop of Greenland.” ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893/33 "2005-03-05T05:53:59Z")
> [@Alonzo John Blitz](#): > > The extra long coffin necessitated by the big hat. > > [sub]Link didn’t work for me, I apologize if this was on their list[/sub] Nah, of course it wasn’t. That one was kinda funny. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893/34 "2005-03-05T05:54:10Z")
> [@Little Nemo](#): > > “Hey, Giovanni, look at the Pope.” > “What? He’s fine.” > “No, I think he’s dead.” > “He’s sleeping.” > “No, look, he’s not moving.” > “He’s just sleeping.” > “I think he’s dead. Get the hammer.” > “I am not getting the hammer.” > “C’mon, just a tap.” > “You remember how mad he got last time?” > “Well, that time he _was_ sleeping. This time I think he’s really dead.” > “Easy for you to say. You’re not the one who was named Archbishop of Greenland.” “Let me see that hammer, I’ll prove he’s dead” [blood splatters on the walls] “See, I told you” ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893/35 "2005-03-05T06:06:54Z")
> [@SiouxChief](#): > > I’m Catholic, and was trying to show reverence at the exhibit, but one thing in the exhibit that made me laugh out loud was the “papal death hammer”. It’s a silver hammer that hit the pope with when they think he’s dead. Ah yes. That famous tradition was created by Pope Maxwell. > [@Casey1505](#): > > I haven’t scored in three years. That’s nothing- the guy you’re talking about hasn’t scored in 84! ---
**Author:** ![SiouxChief](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@SiouxChief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SiouxChief)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893/36 "2005-03-05T06:07:13Z")
> [@Little Nemo](#): > > “Hey, Giovanni, look at the Pope.” > “What? He’s fine.” > “No, I think he’s dead.” > “He’s sleeping.” > “No, look, he’s not moving.” > “He’s just sleeping.” > “I think he’s dead. Get the hammer.” > “I am not getting the hammer.” > “C’mon, just a tap.” > “You remember how mad he got last time?” > “Well, that time he _was_ sleeping. This time I think he’s really dead.” > “Easy for you to say. You’re not the one who was named Archbishop of Greenland.” That’s gold, Jerry! GOLD! ---
**Author:** ![wolf\_meister](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolf_meister/32/15202_2.png) [@wolf\_meister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolf_meister)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893/37 "2005-03-05T06:54:40Z")
The Top 10 List was going well but it ended at #3. (Still, the "Dopers contributed funny albeit unnumbered postings). With that in mind, here’s my submission in a valiant attempt to finish the list: 1. Michael Jackson lobbies the College of Cardinals to be elected Pope so he can _personally_ investigate all those clergy sexual abuse scandals. and the number 1 SDMB Funniest Thing About the Upcoming Death of the Pope: … (okay let’s have some other Doper finish it off). ---
**Author:** ![Large\_Marge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/50afbb/32.png) [@Large\_Marge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Large_Marge)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 7:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893/38 "2005-03-05T07:43:57Z")
Lacking funds to cover funeral expenses due to pending sex abuse lawsuits and declining attendance, the Vatican decides to sell the Popemobile on e-bay. Sadly, they received only one bid for $48, barely enough to pay for the papal death hammer. ---
**Author:** ![butter\_pie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/aca169/32.png) [@butter\_pie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/butter_pie)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 9:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893/39 "2005-03-05T09:42:52Z")
I thought the hammer was used to smash the Pope’s ring after he was dead, not hit him to make sure he’s dead. At least that’s what the plaque said on the exhibit a friend and I went to a couple years ago here at the science museum. Friend, upon seeing it: “They better hurry up and get that thing back soon!” I think the Pope is teasing us. It’s like he’s dying… NOOO he’s back… NO WAIT HE’S SICK… I’m better… I see the old man being carted off in Holy Grail going, “I’m not quite dead yet…” Anyway. Link in the OP was unfunny. I’m an atheist and the article sounds like it was just written by a sociopath. I like black humour but that’s not it. ---
**Author:** ![Astroboy14](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df705f/32.png) [@Astroboy14](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Astroboy14)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2005, 10:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893/40 "2005-03-05T10:11:54Z")
#1) Upon arrival in Hades, he learns that the correct answer was “Mormon”. :smack: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-52-funniest-things-about-the-upcoming-death-of-the-pope/292893.md?page=3)