# The Acticon Neosphincter: The cure for severe fecal incontinence is in your genitals! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 28, 2007, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908 "2007-03-28T23:38:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2007, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/1 "2007-03-28T23:38:51Z")
[There are medical textbook-style cutaway drawings of human bottom halves at the end of this link. It’s no worse than a biology textbook, really. I have no idea how acceptable that is.](http://www.visitams.com/prof_product_detail_objectname_prof_female_acticon_neosphincter.html) > [@](#): > > The Acticon® Neosphincter is the only implantable sphincter available for the treatment of severe fecal incontinence. Using the same technology that has been used for 30 years to treat urinary incontinence, the Acticon Neosphincter simulates normal sphincter function to give the patient control over defecation through a pressurized system. OK, it’s for people who can’t control their bowels anymore and don’t want to wear a pair of “Oops, I Crapped My Pants” all day, every day. It’s based around a pressure system with a control pump: Manipulate the pump to open and close your anal sphincter. So, where did they stick the control? > [@](#): > > Implanted in the soft tissue of the scrotum or labium, the control pump contains the resistor and valves needed to transfer fluid to and from the cuff. This may prove problematic during sex. “Sphincter goes open, sphincter goes closed. Sphincter goes open, sphincter goes closed.” Hey, at least it isn’t Bluetooth enabled. ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/2 "2007-03-29T01:13:02Z")
OK, fine…nobody else wants to say it, so I will… BAND NAME! ---
**Author:** ![Terrifel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c68b51/32.png) [@Terrifel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrifel)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/3 "2007-03-29T01:35:23Z")
[QUOTE=Derleth] This may prove problematic during sex. “Sphincter goes open, sphincter goes closed. Sphincter goes open, sphincter goes closed.” [/QUOTE] I think it’s probably optimistic to posit such opportunities for malfunction occurring frequently among Acticon Neosphincter recipients. Although I suppose with Viagra, anything’s possible. In any case, I feel certain that the marketing team could not have arrived at the name “Acticon Neosphincter” without numerous uncontrollable fits of mad giggling and at least one extremely liquored-up brainstorming session. ---
**Author:** ![Diceman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Diceman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diceman)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/4 "2007-03-29T02:17:09Z")
[QUOTE=Terrifel] In any case, I feel certain that the marketing team could not have arrived at the name “Acticon Neosphincter” without numerous uncontrollable fits of mad giggling and at least one extremely liquored-up brainstorming session. [/QUOTE] Hell, I can’t even read it without laughing out loud. It sounds like something out of _Beavis and Butthead_. ---
**Author:** ![Terrifel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c68b51/32.png) [@Terrifel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrifel)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/5 "2007-03-29T02:39:28Z")
I wonder if the promotional video for the Neosphincter will feature **Matrix** -style “bullet-time” effects. ---
**Author:** ![pinkfreud](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pinkfreud/32/17603_2.png) [@pinkfreud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pinkfreud)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/6 "2007-03-29T03:02:12Z")
It’s disgraceful how those frickin’ Neosphincters have taken over the Sphincter wing of the Republican Party. ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/7 "2007-03-29T05:15:52Z")
[**Fade in**] **[Opening scene:** Actor sits on toilet, pants around ankles, in “thinker” pose.] **Voice over:** “Has this ever happened to you?” [Actor sighs heavily, hunkers down and waits.] [**Foley:** “Wah-wah-waaaaah” trumpet] **Voice over:** “How about _this?_” [**Scene:** Actor in a get-together, smiling and chatting with guests] [**Foley:** “Blaaaat” trumpet] [Actor looks momentarily stunned; looks down, feels around to his backside, looks suddenly startled, then embarassed; shuffles sideways in an attempt to excuse himself, then runs to the bathroom when out of the crowd] **Voice over:** “Well it doesn’t have to ANY more! Introducing the revolutionary Action Neosphinchter[sup]TM[/sup]!” [**Scene:** Product shot; star-shaped yellow callout with bold red text highlighting product name] **Voice over:** “Made of scientifically-engineered space-age materials and designed for your comfort, the Action Neosphinchter[sup]TM[/sup] puts _you_ in control!” [**Scene:** Actor on toilet in “thinker” pose.] **Voice over:** “Ordinary sphincters are frustrating and unpredictable…” [Actor looks startled momentarily, then relieved] **Voice over:** “…and the _mess!_” [Actor takes on curious look, lifts up slightly, looks down into the bowl, then looks at the camera with a look of horror on his face.] [**Foley:** “Psycho” violin stabs] **Voice over:** “But with Action Neosphinchter[sup]TM[/sup], _you_ decide when, where, and _how_ you do your number two!” [**Scene:** Actor seats himself on toilet, reaches down between his legs and makes an exaggerated push-button motion to activate product with an immediate expression of relief] [**Foley:** Angellic choir with harp run] **Voice over:** “Need to be on time for that important meeting?” [**Scene:** Actor walks down office hallway, stops and looks at executive washroom, then looks at the ceiling with his index finger on his chin in a pensive posture momentarily before smiling and shaking his head negatively, then proceeding into the board room] **Voice over:** “With Action Neosphinchter[sup]TM[/sup], you don’t have to worry! Action Neosphinchter[sup]TM[/sup]'s patented ProFlo[sup]TM[/sup] technology lets you wait until you have time to go to the bathroom.” [Actor confidently shakes hands with CEO, then walks over to his seat and places his briefcase on the table.] **Voice over:** “Trying to make a good impression with new friends at a party?” [**Scene:** Actor is chatting up a pretty woman at a party, briefly taking time to surreptitiously pat his behind and wink at the camera] [**Foley:** “Ting” bell on wink] **Voice over:** “No embarassing accidents with Action Neosphinchter[sup]TM[/sup]!” [**Scene:** Product shot with contents of box spread out] **Voice over:** “Action Neosphinchter[sup]TM[/sup]'s control unit is small enough to fit right in your scrotum and is sealed in a soft, lightweight silicone shell – you won’t even know it’s there! Your doctor can install it in minutes and the procedure is completely painless! Ordinarily, you could expect to pay Five hundred or even a thousand dollars for a miracle device like this…” [**Scene:** Oval yellow callouts with stated amounts appear in blue as announcer calls them, then are crossed out with thick red lines] **Voice over:** “But for a limited time, you can own the amazing Action Neosphinchter[sup]TM[/sup] for only three easy payments of just $49.99!” [**Scene:** Yellow star-shaped callout with stated price in bold red pops out below crossed out prices] **Voice over:** “But wait! Call within the next thirty minutes and we’ll give you the Action Erectifier[sup]TM[/sup] – absolutely free!” [**Scene:** Seconary product shot with box contents spread out] **Voice over:** “Forget Viagra, throw away that Cialis, the Action Erectifier[sup]TM[/sup] works with your Action Neosphinchter[sup]TM[/sup] to give you instant tumescence! Be in complete control of your romantic evenings!” [**Scene:** Woman fawning over Actor and running her hand over his chest; actor reaches down off-camera with exaggerated push-button action.] [**Foley:** Slide whistle up; female surprised “oOOooh!”] [Actor makes exaggerated push-button motion again] [**Foley:** Slide whistle down; female disappointed “Awww!”] [Actor makes final exaggerated push-button motion again] [**Foley:** Slide whistle up; playful female giggle] [**Scene:** Product shot with secondary product alongside] **Voice over:** “But that’s not all! We’ll also throw in three tubes of warming personal lubricant absolutely free!” [**Scene:** Tubes appear one-by-one beneath products] **Voice over:** That’s the Action Neosphinchter[sup]TM[/sup], The Action Erectifier[sup]TM[/sup], and three tubes of warming personal lubricant for three easy payments of just $49.99! Operators are standing by, so order now!" [**Scene:** Informational slate with product and payment details] **Secondary voiceover [played at double-speed]:** “To order, simply call the number on your screen, or send three post-dated cheques for $49.99 each to Action Neosphinchter[sup]TM[/sup], 1 Skagway Avenue, New York, NY, 10169. Operators are standing by. Sorry, no refunds.” [**Fade out**] ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/8 "2007-03-29T05:37:11Z")
**Mindfield** : Very funny. Very good. I could just see the commercial in my head. I suppose the Action Neosphincter is competition for the Acticon product. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 8:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/9 "2007-03-29T08:23:46Z")
**Action NeoSphincter** would be only one of a diverse range of different NeoSphincters, available to suit your personal lifestyle. **Action Neosphincter** , for busy people who never seem to sit down **Travel NeoSphincter** , for people who are always on the go **Sports NeoSphincter** , for people who run all the time **Aqua Neosphincter** , for when you have to take the kids to the pool… ---
**Author:** ![toadbriar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bb73d2/32.png) [@toadbriar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/toadbriar)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 8:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/10 "2007-03-29T08:57:09Z")
I’d want mine to make cool Star Trek door opening sounds. Oh, wait. It already does. ok, that’s not true. But I wish it was. ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 10:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/11 "2007-03-29T10:23:40Z")
[QUOTE=Mangetout] **Action NeoSphincter** would be only one of a diverse range of different NeoSphincters, available to suit your personal lifestyle. **Action Neosphincter** , for busy people who never seem to sit down **Travel NeoSphincter** , for people who are always on the go **Sports NeoSphincter** , for people who run all the time **Aqua Neosphincter** , for when you have to take the kids to the pool… [/QUOTE] By Wham-O! Everything I think I see looks like a Tootsie Roll to me! I guess fisting probably isn’t in the cards for anyone fitted out with one of these, but there ought to be an emergency release button somewhere that won’t mind being roughly grabbed and squeezed by someone who just met the bad side of hydraulic tension. Otherwise, I see a lot of dragging and screaming and some neighbor kids who will _never_ be able to adequately recreate the action with dolls, no matter where they shop. ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 10:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/12 "2007-03-29T10:59:58Z")
[QUOTE=Derleth] **Mindfield** : Very funny. Very good. I could just see the commercial in my head. I suppose the Action Neosphincter is competition for the Acticon product. 😉 [/QUOTE] Hey, it _does_ say “Acticon,” doesn’t it? That’s what I get for posting when I should be sleeping. I liked “Action” better. It was more … _dynamic_. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 12:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/13 "2007-03-29T12:25:05Z")
> [@](#): > > The Acticon Neosphincter I swear, I thought when I opened this thread that “Acticon Neosphincter” was someone’s not-quite-clever nickname for NeoCons. I can’t believe they’re marketing a product under this name. “The Acticon Neosphincter – we’ll carve you a new one!” They need a beter ad agency. ---
**Author:** ![Duke\_of\_Rat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Duke\_of\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke_of_Rat)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/14 "2007-03-29T14:16:47Z")
The Acticon Neosphincter, for when a regular old asshole just doesn’t get the job done anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Aangelica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b2d939/32.png) [@Aangelica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aangelica)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/15 "2007-03-29T15:43:31Z")
Why am I imagining a particularly horrifying convertible robot toy here? ---
**Author:** ![Szlater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/90ced4/32.png) [@Szlater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Szlater)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/16 "2007-03-29T16:01:12Z")
I had the AMS 800 artificial urinary sphincter implanted when I was 11 years old, you all going to laugh at me now? ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Sage\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sage_rat/32/399_2.png) [@Sage\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sage_Rat)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/17 "2007-03-29T16:11:04Z")
[QUOTE=Szlater] I had the AMS 800 artificial urinary sphincter implanted when I was 11 years old, you all going to laugh at me now? ☹ [/QUOTE] I think they’re more making fun of the name of the product, not the product itself. “Acticon Neosphincter” is just fun to say. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/18 "2007-03-29T16:13:22Z")
**Acticon Neosphincter: Where nothing go wrong. Go wrong. go wrong…** “Dear Og, somebody Help Me…! It won’t open…! Jayses…NOOOOOOOO…!” _Actor expands like Eddie Murphy in a fat suit_ _muffled explosion with after-splatter_ ---
**Author:** ![Terrifel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c68b51/32.png) [@Terrifel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrifel)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/19 "2007-03-29T16:13:24Z")
[QUOTE=Szlater] I had the AMS 800 artificial urinary sphincter implanted when I was 11 years old, you all going to laugh at me now? ☹ [/QUOTE] That depends entirely on what the “AMS” stands for. Acticon MegaSphincter? ---
**Author:** ![Szlater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/90ced4/32.png) [@Szlater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Szlater)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/20 "2007-03-29T16:13:29Z")
[QUOTE=Sage Rat] I think they’re more making fun of the name of the product, not the product itself. “Acticon Neosphincter” is just fun to say. [/QUOTE] No, the OP is most definitely aimed at the product rather than the name. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908.md?page=2)