# The Acticon Neosphincter: The cure for severe fecal incontinence is in your genitals! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 28, 2007, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908 "2007-03-28T23:38:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Sage\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sage_rat/32/399_2.png) [@Sage\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sage_Rat)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/21 "2007-03-29T16:32:48Z")
True, but humor is largely based on what people find scary. Having a switch implanted in your nether-regions is rather scary to people and laughing at it is what people do to dispell that fear. I’m sure that in real life after a week of having one you would rarely even think about it, but so it goes. ---
**Author:** ![teela\_brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/22 "2007-03-29T19:42:55Z")
[QUOTE=Sage Rat] I think they’re more making fun of the name of the product, not the product itself. “Acticon Neosphincter” is just fun to say. [/QUOTE] Especially if you say it like Fire Marshal Bill. Go ahead - draw up your lips and enunciate it like he does: “Acti-Con Neo-Sphincter”! ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/23 "2007-03-29T20:12:48Z")
[QUOTE=toadbriar] I’d want mine to make cool Star Trek door opening sounds. [/QUOTE] Exactly what I was thinking. If we tire of that we can always switch to _Get Smart_. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/24 "2007-03-29T21:17:02Z")
[QUOTE=lieu] Exactly what I was thinking. If we tire of that we can always switch to _Get Smart_. [/QUOTE] It might clash with the ‘Transporter.wav’ that plays when he flushes though. There’s always that photon torpedo sound effect for those harder stool evacuations complete with Chekov’s “Got him, Sir…!” and TOS trumpet score playing when the ceiling fan is engaged. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Duke\_of\_Rat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Duke\_of\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke_of_Rat)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2007, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/25 "2007-03-29T21:32:28Z")
Now I hear Kirk: “Can’t…reach…scrotum. Must…take…shit!” “Scotty! Activate Acticon Neosphincter… NOW! SCOTTY! NOW! Full power!” “I’m giving all I’ve got, Captain! She can’t take this kind of pressure much longer or the seals will start to leak by. If that happens, you can just kiss your uniform goodbye.” ---
**Author:** ![gonzomax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e8c25b/32.png) [@gonzomax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gonzomax)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2007, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/26 "2007-03-30T00:08:57Z")
Get hard on -shit your pants. Mood breaking. ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2007, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/27 "2007-03-30T00:40:59Z")
Acticon Neosphicter! Apply directly to the bunghole! Acticon Neosphicter! Apply directly to the bunghole! Acticon Neosphicter! Apply directly to the bunghole! ---
**Author:** ![Terrifel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c68b51/32.png) [@Terrifel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrifel)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2007, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/28 "2007-03-30T00:44:18Z")
“The 600 series had rubber skin; we spotted them easy. But these are new. Acticon Systems Model 101. Underneath it’s a hyperalloy combat chassis, microprocessor controlled… fully armored, very tough. Outside, it’s living human tissue.” “Just let me go–” “LISTEN! And understand! That thing is out there! It can’t be bargained with; it can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely _will not stop_– ever-- until you are dead!” – **Defecator III: Rise of the NeoSphincter** ---
**Author:** ![Hockey\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a183cd/32.png) [@Hockey\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hockey_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2007, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/29 "2007-03-30T03:50:25Z")
I wanna change my user name to… (movie announcer guy voice) _ **Acticon Neosphincter** _ Well not really, I don’t but it sounds so much cooler than pimaspinner. Go ahead say it in your head like the movie announcer guy. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2007, 7:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/30 "2007-03-30T07:59:32Z")
I wonder if it comes with a free copy of [_How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?_](http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0595094724/qid=1042498859/sr=2-1/ref=sr_2_1/103-7600248-7723069) ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2007, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/31 "2007-04-01T23:02:48Z")
> [@](#): > > Using the same technology that has been used for 30 years to treat **urinary incontinence** , the Acticon Neosphincter simulates normal sphincter function to give the patient control over defecation through a pressurized system. (emphasis mine) If you install the Acticon Neopsphincter™™\* the wrong way, will you urinate out your anus and defecate out your penis? That would be a sight to see- in more ways than one. [sub]\*A name this good deserves two trademark symbols.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![toadbriar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bb73d2/32.png) [@toadbriar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/toadbriar)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2007, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/32 "2007-04-02T00:25:26Z")
[QUOTE=mobo85] (emphasis mine) If you install the Acticon Neopsphincter™™\* the wrong way, will you urinate out your anus and defecate out your penis? That would be a sight to see- in more ways than one. [/QUOTE] Your penis would be trailing a long, spaghetti-like poop thread. Like a goldfish. ---
**Author:** ![whole\_bean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/96bed5/32.png) [@whole\_bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whole_bean)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2007, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/33 "2007-04-02T17:01:21Z")
[QUOTE=Mangetout] **Action NeoSphincter** would be only one of a diverse range of different NeoSphincters, available to suit your personal lifestyle. **Action Neosphincter** , for busy people who never seem to sit down **Travel NeoSphincter** , for people who are always on the go **Sports NeoSphincter** , for people who run all the time **Aqua Neosphincter** , for when you have to take the kids to the pool… [/QUOTE] aren’t they all for dropping the kids off at the pool? ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2007, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/34 "2007-04-02T20:20:27Z")
[QUOTE=Derleth] Hey, at least it isn’t Bluetooth enabled. [/QUOTE] How about the Clapper? ---
**Author:** ![Duke\_of\_Rat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Duke\_of\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke_of_Rat)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2007, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/35 "2007-04-02T20:36:54Z")
[QUOTE=Cervaise] How about the Clapper? [/QUOTE] [jose jimenez] Oh I hope not..[/jj] ---
**Author:** ![Nancarrow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c37758/32.png) [@Nancarrow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nancarrow)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2007, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/36 "2007-04-02T23:44:15Z")
I’m sure Neosphincter was the Acticon that killed Optimus Prime. (but then IIRC the whole world and his dog killed Optimus Prime, repeatedly.) ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2007, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908/37 "2007-04-03T00:23:28Z")
[QUOTE=Cervaise] How about the Clapper? [/QUOTE] Well, maybe not a Clapper, but it should come with a remote. All good toys come with remotes. I mean, why reach down, dig around and have to mess with the 'scrote when you can just Press A for Anusflex or B for Buttloosen? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-acticon-neosphincter-the-cure-for-severe-fecal-incontinence-is-in-your-genitals/397908.md?page=1)