# The age old loaning money to family conundrum **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 12, 2013, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853 "2013-06-12T23:08:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2013, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853/41 "2013-06-13T16:41:25Z")
> [@](#): > > Sorry, I missed seeing what this was referring to, so we’re actually agreeing. Sparky edited his post after I posted. It previously asked why there was no repayment agreement or something to that effect. ---
**Author:** ![Sparky812](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eb9ed0/32.png) [@Sparky812](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sparky812)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2013, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853/42 "2013-06-13T16:54:39Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Sparky edited his post after I posted. It previously asked why there was no repayment agreement or something to that effect. In truth, I edited it before your post, after re-reading the wall of text. I didn’t even notice someone nitpicked it until now. I believe I said something to the effect that the OP should propose a (new) payment plan instead of expecting a lump sum. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2013, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853/43 "2013-06-13T17:13:20Z")
Moved to IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2013, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853/44 "2013-06-13T17:16:19Z")
I’m going through this with a friend right now. I loaned him 50 bucks and he still has not paid me back. I remind him every other day and everytime I see him. “Where’s my money?” is what I say. Currently he owes me 32 dollars. Here is my take. If they don’t pay you back, it is like a slap in the face. In my case, it is like my friend saying that I’m not worth 50 bucks to him. That’s very disrespectful and I can’t carry on a friendship with that in the back of my mind. YMMV. I assume that you loaned more than 50 dollars. I’m not sure at what point you can say, “I shouldn’t have loaned that much with the expectation of getting it back.” But, I would definitely bring it up and let her know how you feel about it. I would want her to pay back every last cent no matter how long it takes. If its 20 bucks a month, so be it. As long as she pays it all back. She should consider herself lucky as there’s nothing you can do about it. I mean it’s not like your going to take her stuff or charge her interest or break her legs. The least she can do is pay it all back. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2013, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853/45 "2013-06-13T17:40:47Z")
I’ll throw something else out for the OP: You borrowed that money from your kid’s college fund. Have you paid it back yet? ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2013, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853/46 "2013-06-13T17:53:52Z")
As weird as it is, my mother in law loans out huge sums of money in her family. In fact, borrowing/loaning thousands of dollars is quite the norm. I asked my wife how she could risk it without getting horribly ripped off (conversely, my mom is incredibly risk-averse to the point of refusing to loan or cosign ANYTHING with anybody). My wife said that her family/community is pretty tight-knit, and if you burn bridges and later need to borrow $3,000 you are shit outta luck because NOBODY in your family/friends/community will help you. Because of this, my mother in law will loan someone, say, $10,000 to help with the down payment of the house, and get prompty re-paid; paying back the loan becomes as important as paying the mortgage every month to the borrower. I’ll admit I’m not quite as comfortable with this, and I told my wife (who has wanted to loan out money to friends/family as well) that I would prefer it that if she wanted to loan money, it come out of a secondary savings account that I can kind of forget about. That way if her sister needed $1,000 for something she could loan it to her without me being stressed about whether we will ever see that money again. I would say if you are going to loan money, do it either as a ‘gift’ (allowing the recipient to save face by asking for a ‘loan’ instead of just asking for a handout) or borrow to someone who has more to lose by not paying you back than you do (close-knit family, collateral, etc.). ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2013, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853/47 "2013-06-13T18:14:19Z")
> [@panaccione](#): > > If they don’t pay you back, it is like a slap in the face. In my case, it is like my friend saying that I’m not worth 50 bucks to him. That’s very disrespectful and I can’t carry on a friendship with that in the back of my mind. I don’t recall the original attribution for this comment, but I seem to remember reading about some Victorian-era fellow who would say, “I never remind a gentleman about a debt.” When asked what he does if the debt is not repaid, he replied, “After sufficient time has gone by, I conclude that the individual in question is no gentleman, and then I remind him of his debt.” ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2013, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853/48 "2013-06-13T18:17:11Z")
I’ve no advice for the OP that hasn’t already been said. > [@panaccione](#): > > Here is my take. If they don’t pay you back, it is like a slap in the face. In my case, it is like my friend saying that I’m not worth 50 bucks to him. That’s very disrespectful and I can’t carry on a friendship with that in the back of my mind. This is how I feel too. I’ve dropped two friends because they didn’t pay me back. One guy moved about 2 hrs away and said he needed $300 for the move and that he would pay me back in a paycheck or two. A month later I called him to ask about the money and he had changed his phone number. The other guy was a roommate, and previously a friend from high school, and we were moving into different apartments because he wanted to live with his girlfriend. He didn’t have enough to cover the moving out fees so I covered what he was short. He said he’d pay me back next paycheck. Couple of weeks go by and I call him and he says he’ll get me the money next paycheck. Couple of weeks later I call again. Same story. Couple of weeks later I call and he doesn’t answer or call me back. A month later I call again and no answer or return call. By this time I figure I ain’t getting the money back. Four months later it’s almost Christmas and I’m out at a restuarant with my girlfriend, it’s about $100 for two people with drinks and all, and as we leave I see him heading towards the restuarant with his girlfriend. I called out his name and he gets the deer in the headlights look. I asked him, “WTH you can afford this place but not pay me back $40 over six months?” He just started with some bullshit and I told him to just keep the money and merry fucking Christmas. ---
**Author:** ![Kimballkid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b5a626/32.png) [@Kimballkid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimballkid)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2013, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853/49 "2013-06-13T18:38:47Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > You contributed nothing other than “PARAGRAPH FAIL!” while he actually responded to the OP, and he’s the asshat. Interesting theory. I’m pretty sure he’s a she. ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2013, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853/50 "2013-06-13T18:48:24Z")
> [@Llama\_Llogophile](#): > > While calling them “noobs” isn’t condescending at all… :rolleyes: > > **Traci** - Welcome to the Dope. We like paragraphs here, and not everyone is an asshat like Flatlined. Yes, we’re all picky about paragraphs and formatting around here, and pointing out the need for them doesn’t break any rules. Calling someone “asshat” however, does: the rule against being an insulting jerk. Don’t do it any more, **Llama Llogophile**. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2013, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853/51 "2013-06-13T18:50:32Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > I don’t recall the original attribution for this comment, but I seem to remember reading about some Victorian-era fellow who would say, “I never remind a gentleman about a debt.” > > When asked what he does if the debt is not repaid, he replied, “After sufficient time has gone by, I conclude that the individual in question is no gentleman, and then I remind him of his debt.” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e79b87/32.png) [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/actualliberalnotoneofthose)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2013, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853/52 "2013-06-13T18:52:20Z")
I think the sister should pay back the money as agreed, but she shouldn’t have to justify giving her son proceeds from back child support that was meant for him. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2013, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853/53 "2013-06-13T19:01:17Z")
> [@Ellen\_Cherry](#): > > Yes, we’re all picky about paragraphs and formatting around here, and pointing out the need for them doesn’t break any rules. > > Calling someone “asshat” however, does: the rule against being an insulting jerk. Don’t do it any more, **Llama Llogophile**. This was posted while still in the Pit. ---
**Author:** ![Roderick\_Femm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/roderick_femm/32/14875_2.png) [@Roderick\_Femm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roderick_Femm)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2013, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853/54 "2013-06-13T19:09:51Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > Don’t lend money to family or friends. Either give it to them no strings attached, or keep it. Maybe you’ll get it back some day, maybe you won’t. QFT. Once as a young adult I asked my father for a $500 loan (I had never asked my parents for money, once I moved out on my own; my sister had done so a number of times, so I guess I thought I was entitled). My father thought for a minute, and he said “We’ll give you $500, and we don’t really expect you to pay it back, but you can if you want.” I didn’t pay it back, partly at least because I was still in financial straits for a while. A few years later, my parents had a bad car accident, and I didn’t know the state of their finances at the time, so I calculated up the accumulated interest on that loan and sent them a check for $1200 (turns out they didn’t need it, and returned the check, in an effort to be fair to me compared to what they had done for my sister). I guess the moral of this story is to agree with **TriPolar** , but sometimes you do get the money back (even if you don’t need it by then). Roddy ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2013, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853/55 "2013-06-13T19:36:47Z")
I loan money to siblings who I am pretty sure will pay me back. For those that are perennially bad with money and for whom it will automatically be a gift, I have no money to lend. Sometimes I’ll give them a gift, but rarely. In part because I’ve learned to say to myself, “It’s not my problem”. Those siblings are always in trouble because someone’s always bailed them out. Now that our parents are dead, they don’t have that safety net, and they’ve burned bridges with all the sibs with money. Right now one sister owes me $5000. I’ve told them I need the money returned by Fall because I need a new roof on my house before next winter. Her husband is going to be doing the tin roof. They offered to buy the roofing on a credit card, but I told them I’m good as long as we do it before October. I have confidence they’ll pay me back. If not, I’ll still be able to afford the roof with my BIL doing the labor. StG ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2013, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853/56 "2013-06-13T19:44:27Z")
I will say that I once loaned a former Doper $200 for an emergency vet visit for one of his cats and he totally stiffed me. He doesn’t post here any more, but I think he’s still active on Giraffe’s board. He never even attempted to repay the loan. StG ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2013, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853/57 "2013-06-13T20:59:01Z")
What’s pissing me off is that the sister gave her son the two grand for a car - now that should have been a loan too. ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2013, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853/58 "2013-06-13T21:21:42Z")
> [@Ellen\_Cherry](#): > > Yes, we’re all picky about paragraphs and formatting around here, and pointing out the need for them doesn’t break any rules. > > Calling someone “asshat” however, does: the rule against being an insulting jerk. Don’t do it any more, **Llama Llogophile**. I’m here to apologize to Llama; I didn’t see Miller’s note that he had moved the thread from the Pit! So, no note, not being a jerk, not being insulting (in the Pit). Note to self to read thread more closely next time! Ellen ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2013, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853/59 "2013-06-14T01:19:49Z")
> [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](#): > > I think the sister should pay back the money as agreed, but she shouldn’t have to justify giving her son proceeds from back child support that was meant for him. I agree with this. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2013, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853/60 "2013-06-14T01:50:56Z")
> [@StGermain](#): > > I will say that I once loaned a former Doper $200 for an emergency vet visit for one of his cats and he totally stiffed me. He doesn’t post here any more, but I think he’s still active on Giraffe’s board. He never even attempted to repay the loan. > > StG And that’s the way it happens so often. Give or give not. There is no loan. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-age-old-loaning-money-to-family-conundrum/660853.md?page=4)