Personally, I’d prefer the following version of the 23rd Psalm :
The Lord and I are in a shepherd-sheep relationship,
and I am in a position of negative need.
He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area, and
conducts me into lateral proximity with a
non-torrential aqueous accumulation.
He restores to original satisfaction levels my
psychological makeup.
Notwithstanding the fact that I make ambulatory
progress through the non-illuminated geological
interstice of mortality, terror sensations shall not
be manifest within me due to the proximity of
omnipotence.
Your pastoral walking aid and quadruped-restraint
module induce in me a pleasurific mood state.
You design and produce a nutrient-bearing support
structure in the context of non-cooperative elements.
You enact a head-related folk ritual utilizing
vegetable extracts, and my beverage container
exhibits inadequate volumetric parameters.
Surely it must be an intrinsic non-deductible factor
that your inter-relational, emphatic, and non-vengeful
attributes will pursue me as their target focus for
the duration of the current non-death period.
And I will possess tenant rights in the residential
facility of the Lord on a permanently open-ended time
basis.
And yes, I’d be extremely pissed off if anyone thought it appropriate to express religious sentiments at my funeral - that’s one reason I’m not planning to have one.