# The Bank is serving papers on my Brother's house **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 10, 2021, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642 "2021-02-10T23:08:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2021, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642/41 "2021-03-24T19:15:02Z")
If you do take him in, rest assured, whatever kind of hot mess, horror show it evolves into, will be made 100% worse by the 24/7 knowledge that you KNEW perfectly well, EXACTLY why this was a terrible idea and then ignored you’re own knowledge, history and wisdom. Good Luck! ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2021, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642/42 "2021-03-24T20:52:45Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > tion. > > Only if he just can’t shape up. “Just can’t shape up” is pretty much the main criteria for NOT letting him move in with you. If he can’t shape up, he’s a danger to you. If he CAN shape up, he might be able to put himself together in Florida - or at least would be safe to have around. You’ve said you’ve made funds available to him. I’d cut the help off at that point. He’s family, but not by choice and he’s proven he’s not willing to treat the rest of you as humans. Your home is your refuge. Don’t invite an abuser in. I too have a brother in Florida. To my knowledge, he’s solvent, and I don’t think he carries a gun - but if he were in your brother’s situation no way would I let him in, for much the same reasons (absent the gun). Oh - and “foreclosure costing him the job” is just fucking WRONG. Unless the job involved handling money, in which case an employer might be leery, I agree with the poster who said “then how are you supposed to get back on your feet?” (side rant: things like SNAP and supplemental income coverage are means-tested. Which is fine - except any car that is safe to drive puts you far over the means limit. Then how the hell are you supposed to be able to get to/from a job? Can’t even save up money for repairs on the crapmobile you’re allowed to own. /hijack ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2021, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642/43 "2021-03-25T00:06:09Z")
Plus there are non-eviction rules in place - you could be legally stuck with him. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2021, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642/44 "2021-03-25T07:02:15Z")
Don’t do it. The danger Is there for all to see. I still hope you can find a sort of peace. Guess what!? Most adults manage to feed themselves and stay outta of the weather. Your conscience should be clear. ---
**Author:** ![saje](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saje/32/3631_2.png) [@saje](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saje)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2021, 11:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642/45 "2021-03-25T11:22:47Z")
I don’t know you, I don’t know the whole story, but I have to add my voice to those saying DO NOT take him in. It will not end well for anyone. If you feel you must do something you could pay for a room somewhere for him for a limited time, and make it ultra-clear that he gets this and no more. The foreclosure/employment thing sucks big time, but this isn’t anything new, employers have been doing it for many, many years. He’s going to have to work extra hard to get himself a job that doesn’t care about his credit, and bust his own ass to save his own ass. I’m really sorry you’re faced with this, but you can’t save him from himself. You need to protect you. ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2021, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642/46 "2021-03-25T13:31:31Z")
Presumably, you’re taking his word on the foreclosure/employment situation. There’s nothing that says that’s what cost him the job. From what you’ve said, he may not always be telling you the truth. You are in no way required to take in your dangerous, unpleasant brother. If he’s lost his house and his car, he should qualify for assistance. Time to reapply for Social Security and Medicare/Medicaid. StG ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2021, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642/47 "2021-03-25T14:54:17Z")
> [@Mama\_Zappa](#): > > Your home is your refuge. Don’t invite an abuser in. QFT. You’re better off bankrupting yourself sending him money than letting a desperate gun toting rageaholic abuser live in your home. There’s no GIF that’s NOPEy enough to encapsulate the idea of letting this guy live with you. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2021, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642/48 "2021-03-25T20:53:41Z")
Decision made–he ain’t gonna come. I will break it to him Saturday, during our Weekly phone call. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2021, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642/49 "2021-03-25T21:37:43Z")
Good for you! Stand firm. Don’t let him bully or guilt you into changing your mind. ---
**Author:** ![Aspenglow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspenglow/32/76_2.png) [@Aspenglow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspenglow)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2021, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642/50 "2021-03-25T22:21:40Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > Decision made–he ain’t gonna come. It is so hard. We are conditioned from birth to look out for our family members and are taught we have a special duty to do so. In most cases, I think this is true – but toxic family members are the exception. I have a sister who is much like your brother. If family members extend help to her (for which she is perpetually in need), it only postpones the inevitable. We will be blamed and made to pay the price for whatever her next failure is. The last time my parents softened and allowed her to move in with them (this is a 61-year-old grown woman), she terrorized them in their own home. She listened in on their phone conversations, berated them ceaselessly for anything over which she disagreed with them, stole treasured/valuable keepsakes. They ended up having to involve the police to have her escorted from the residence. How did she show her gratitude for all they had done for her? She hates them and blames them for all her current troubles. Difficult though it is, stand firm and don’t let your brother prevail. You know the dangers of saving a drowning person. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Best to you. ---
**Author:** ![nelliebly](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nelliebly/32/5422_2.png) [@nelliebly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nelliebly)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2021, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642/51 "2021-03-25T22:42:08Z")
You’re doing the right thing. Please let us know how it goes. ---
**Author:** ![BippityBoppityBoo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bippityboppityboo/32/5745_2.png) [@BippityBoppityBoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BippityBoppityBoo)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2021, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642/52 "2021-03-25T22:48:21Z")
> [@Aspenglow](#): > > Difficult though it is, stand firm and don’t let your brother prevail. You know the dangers of saving a drowning person. > > I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Best to you. > [@nelliebly](#): > > You’re doing the right thing. Please let us know how it goes. I echo @ **nelliebly** and @ **Aspenglow**. Hang tight. Keep telling yourself it’s ok to hang up if called and pressured on the phone. Don’t unlock the door and let him in, even once. Tough love is absolutely called for, as is self-preservation. ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2021, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642/53 "2021-03-26T17:08:17Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > Tommy has been physically violent with my late brother Andy, & me, in our adult lives. > He is a Rage-aholic, constantly lashing out verbally at others. > > He has threatened, in the past, while under stress, to torture me to death. Really. > > He constantly carries a gun with him. Reason unknown. > > He may have beaten his ex-girlfriend. > > **I can’t do this.** Damn right you can’t do this. If he shows up anyway, call the cops. > [@Aspenglow](#): > > It is so hard. We are conditioned from birth to look out for our family members and are taught we have a special duty to do so. In most cases, I think this is true – but toxic family members are the exception. Seconding this. He has previously failed (by abusing and threatening you and other family members) in his duty to look out for you and for others. He’s the one who broke the unwritten contract. You’re not bound by it; it’s already broken. ---
**Author:** ![saje](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saje/32/3631_2.png) [@saje](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saje)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2021, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642/54 "2021-03-27T13:01:33Z")
I’m so sorry, but very glad to hear this. Hang in there … ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2021, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642/55 "2021-03-27T14:49:55Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > Decision made–he ain’t gonna come. > I will break it to him Saturday, during our Weekly phone call. SO glad to hear you say this. I can’t imagine how hard this was (but definitely the best thing for him - and for you, of course). Do drop back in to tell us how the phone call went. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2021, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642/56 "2021-03-28T11:56:30Z")
Done and done. He told me he really did not want to live with me, in the first place. He has a lawyer, & a callback on an application. We shall see. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2021, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642/57 "2021-03-28T13:19:51Z")
Glad he’s getting help. Fingers crossed something works out. I think you may have literally dodged a bullet there. ---
**Author:** ![saje](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saje/32/3631_2.png) [@saje](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saje)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2021, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642/58 "2021-03-28T13:20:59Z")
Excellent. May you both continue your (mostly) separate ways in peace, and may all your dealings with him from now on be drama-free. ---
**Author:** ![asahi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asahi/32/8693_2.png) [@asahi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asahi)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2021, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642/59 "2021-03-28T13:37:39Z")
I think it’s unfortunate that an employer would decide that someone’s qualified to be hired, only to use a credit check to ultimately bar him from employment. The bank is gonna do its thing but unless he’s been hired in a position of major financial responsibility (CFO, CEO) or handling money directly, there’s no reason for this. ---
**Author:** ![asahi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asahi/32/8693_2.png) [@asahi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asahi)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2021, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642/60 "2021-03-28T13:41:07Z")
And then I read this – I second everyone else, glad you decided not to invite him in. It’s probably because you’re family that he has felt he could get away with this kind of behavior. Glad you’re laying down boundaries [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-bank-is-serving-papers-on-my-brothers-house/932642.md?page=4)