# The best response I ever gave to junk mail **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 12, 2005, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-best-response-i-ever-gave-to-junk-mail/312182 "2005-07-12T14:43:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-best-response-i-ever-gave-to-junk-mail/312182/1 "2005-07-12T14:43:07Z")
I thought this was fun enough to share. About a year ago I got the creepiest junk-type mail ever. When I opened it up, a whole bunch of religious stuff fell out, which isn’t a big deal, until I saw what was next. A paper “Prayer Rug” with a picture of Jesus on it with his eyes closed. The letter enclosed said that this had been forwarded on from other people (Funny, it looked brand-new) and that I should kneel on it and pray to Jesus. And I would see his eyes open. :eek: Then I should ask for something, and it would be granted. When his eyes opened, I should forward it on to another one of my friends! For some reason this really skeeved me out. So I came up with a great idea. I took all my junk mail from that week. Stuffed it all back into the envelope the prayer rug was supposed to go on to the next person in. Sent it all back to the company… with a big note that said - “This really works! Jesus cured me - of my junk mail!” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-best-response-i-ever-gave-to-junk-mail/312182/2 "2005-07-12T14:54:17Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > “This really works! Jesus cured me - of my junk mail!” > > 😃 For some strange reason this made me channel Ned Flanders from the Simpsons, the episode when Homer sues the church and wins. “You lie! That’s a lie! Why would you lie like that?!?!?!” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Hung\_Mung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a88e4f/32.png) [@Hung\_Mung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hung_Mung)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-best-response-i-ever-gave-to-junk-mail/312182/3 "2005-07-12T15:51:05Z")
Oh, man. I’ll go you one further. I got the same letter this past year. I kept it around for a little while to show my buddies. We got a little kick out of the literature, the pictures and the Jesus prayer rug. But. I, being the asshole that I am, and as it was my last semester of college I was drunk as frequently as possible, was in said state of inebreation while in possession of said prayer rug. I burned out the eyes of the Jesus prayer rug with a cigarette. 🆒 And I mailed it back. I still don’t know if anyone else actually got that thing or if someone checks it thoroughly before sending it back out. How’s THAT for karma? ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-best-response-i-ever-gave-to-junk-mail/312182/4 "2005-07-12T16:00:15Z")
Ah yes, the paper prayer rug. A friend of mine got one. He kept it. He entertains his guests with it. He pulls it out and “prays” on it. Actually he pulls it out and calls down plagues upon people who piss him off. It even kinda worked on me when he called down a plague upon me. See, the next afternoon there was this swarm of gnats around the door to my back porch. I called him to tell him about it. His response? HAH! That’ll learn ya to piss me off! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-best-response-i-ever-gave-to-junk-mail/312182/5 "2005-07-12T16:01:24Z")
**Swampy** , I really do love you. I see why everyone else does, too. ---
**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-best-response-i-ever-gave-to-junk-mail/312182/6 "2005-07-12T16:15:03Z")
I got one of these tacky things, too about a year ago. ---
**Author:** ![cabdude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@cabdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cabdude)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-best-response-i-ever-gave-to-junk-mail/312182/7 "2005-07-12T16:22:29Z")
What sort of messed up shit is that? Are they trying to trick you into praying to Jesus by taking advantage of your greed? Oh, no, I’m not praying to Jesus as some sort of genuine spiritual experience. I’m praying for a Playstation 3. Screw that ‘world peace’ crap. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-best-response-i-ever-gave-to-junk-mail/312182/8 "2005-07-12T16:26:53Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > **Swampy** , I really do love you. I see why everyone else does, too. Aww thanks **Anaamika**. I guess this means you won’t be sending plaques of gnats upon me. That makes me feel good. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-best-response-i-ever-gave-to-junk-mail/312182/9 "2005-07-12T16:34:46Z")
> [@swampbear](#): > > Aww thanks **Anaamika**. I guess this means you won’t be sending plaques of gnats upon me. That makes me feel good. 😃 How would that work, anyway? Would you just slather the plaque with glue and then fling a bunch of gnats at it, or do you glue them on individually? Or maybe pins are involved? Where would you hang such a thing? Would it have a little engraved plate on it? Enquiring minds want to know. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![wolfstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d6d6ee/32.png) [@wolfstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfstu)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-best-response-i-ever-gave-to-junk-mail/312182/10 "2005-07-12T16:37:22Z")
Sweet Staring Jeezus! How [common](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=297931&highlight=jesus+junk+mail+eyes%22) is this? ---
**Author:** ![wolfstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d6d6ee/32.png) [@wolfstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfstu)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-best-response-i-ever-gave-to-junk-mail/312182/11 "2005-07-12T16:39:28Z")
> [@wolfstu](#): > > Sweet Staring Jeezus! How [common](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=297931&highlight=jesus+junk+mail+eyes) is this? Apparently they changed the vB code without telling me. Link [gefixed](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=297931&highlight=jesus+junk+mail+eyes). ---
**Author:** ![Dorjan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dorjan/32/12440_2.png) [@Dorjan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dorjan)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-best-response-i-ever-gave-to-junk-mail/312182/12 "2005-07-12T16:46:51Z")
Heh, I got one of those earlier this year. I should have kept the “prayer rug”! ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-best-response-i-ever-gave-to-junk-mail/312182/13 "2005-07-12T16:57:20Z")
> [@winterhawk11](#): > > How would that work, anyway? Would you just slather the plaque with glue and then fling a bunch of gnats at it, or do you glue them on individually? Or maybe pins are involved? Where would you hang such a thing? Would it have a little engraved plate on it? > > Enquiring minds want to know. 😃 A plaque of locusts upon you and your household. Engraved even. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-best-response-i-ever-gave-to-junk-mail/312182/14 "2005-07-12T17:03:01Z")
I think we should send these prayer rugs to each other. Only, you know, Doper-fied. I’m sure us blasphemous heathens wouldn’t mind. **Wolfstu** , I’d forgotten I told a briefer version of the story in there, too. Not sure what made me think of it after all this time. **swampy** , you’re just game for the typos aren’t you? Either you’re making them, or they’re being made about you. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-best-response-i-ever-gave-to-junk-mail/312182/15 "2005-07-12T17:09:43Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > **swampy** , you’re just game for the typos aren’t you? Either you’re making them, or they’re being made about you. I’m just plaqued with em, I tells ya! **Plaqued**! ---
**Author:** ![elfbabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b782af/32.png) [@elfbabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfbabe)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-best-response-i-ever-gave-to-junk-mail/312182/16 "2005-07-12T17:19:24Z")
After dear old Grandpa **Mercotan** , a staunch Republican, died, we continued to get political mailings addressed to him for quite a while. (We live at the same address he used to live at) My mother would faithfully take each solicitation, write something like “Deceased - please return to sender” on the front, and send it back. We kept getting mailings, though, and she got progressively more annoyed with them. It wasn’t fun to be randomly reminded of his death, especially not by people asking for money. The polite little notes on the front eventually progressed to things like “ **DEAD - REMOVE FROM LIST!!!** ”. Then one day, before the 1996 election, we got yet another mailing from Bob Dole. The front of the envelope asked my grandfather, “ **Will you help me defeat Bill Clinton?** ” My mom, sensing her opportunity, grabbed a big sharpie and replied: “ **NO! I’m DEAD!** ” ---
**Author:** ![Shoeless](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shoeless/32/7099_2.png) [@Shoeless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shoeless)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-best-response-i-ever-gave-to-junk-mail/312182/17 "2005-07-12T23:31:34Z")
> [@cabdude](#): > > What sort of messed up shit is that? Are they trying to trick you into praying to Jesus by taking advantage of your greed? > > Oh, no, I’m not praying to Jesus as some sort of genuine spiritual experience. I’m praying for a Playstation 3. Screw that ‘world peace’ crap. Sorry **Cabdude** , it’s only a [Playstation 2](http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0104/ps2.html), but here you go. ---
**Author:** ![Ashes\_Ashes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/db5fbb/32.png) [@Ashes\_Ashes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ashes_Ashes)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2005, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-best-response-i-ever-gave-to-junk-mail/312182/18 "2005-07-12T23:39:00Z")
It seems a bit creepy to be kneeling on Jesus’ face. What if you’re wearing a skirt when your prayer finally gets through? Are they saying Jesus is some up-skirt cam perv or is a peek at your undies reward for granting the prayer? ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2005, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-best-response-i-ever-gave-to-junk-mail/312182/19 "2005-07-13T00:03:00Z")
I can’t help but feel slightly insulted that I haven’t received a Jesus Kneeling Rug[sup]TM[/sup]. I’d be willing to give a mailing address should someone find themselves with an extra one… -foxy ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2005, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-best-response-i-ever-gave-to-junk-mail/312182/20 "2005-07-13T00:09:34Z")
Do they look like [this](http://home.comcast.net/~AVanIngen/prayerrug.jpg) one? - sort of Osama Bin Jesus. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-best-response-i-ever-gave-to-junk-mail/312182.md?page=2)