# The Boardfather....An Epic **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 21, 2001, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-boardfather-an-epic/77354 "2001-08-21T15:46:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Hamlet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hamlet/32/2818_2.png) [@Hamlet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamlet)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2001, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-boardfather-an-epic/77354/1 "2001-08-21T15:46:59Z")
FADE FROM BLACK: Interior of **Coldfire** ’s newly rebuilt estate. **Coldfire** sits behind his massive desk, softly stroking his pet cat, jarbabyj. Standing before the desk is a very nervous **Jester** **Jester** : I believe in the Straight Dope Message Board. The **SDMB** has made my fortune. And I posted to the **SDMB** in the correct fashion. I make sure my posts never dishonor her family. I started a thread a while ago. It was a good thread…raised properly, with intelligent insight. My thread was hacked, by someone not of the **SDMB**. They made my thread drink whiskey. And then they tried to take advantage of it. My posts resisted. It kept it’s honor. So they hacked her, like an animal. When I came back to my thread, it was partially deleted. I wept. Why did I weep? That thread was the light of my life – a beautiful idea. Now it is gone, it will never be beautiful again. [**Jester** breaks down. The Don gestures to David B. to give **Jester** a drink] Sorry… [**Jester** , taking the drink, sips from the shot glass] I – I went to my ISP, like a good American. The hackers were never caught, never brought to trial. They went free that very day! I stood in the homepage like a fool. And those bastards, they taunted me. Then I said to my wife, “for justice, we must go to Don **Coldfire**.” **Coldfire** : Why did you go to the ISP? Why didn’t you come to me first? **Jester** What do you want of me? Tell me anything. But do what I beg you to do. **Coldfire** : What is that? [**Jester** gets up to whisper his request into Don **Coldfire** ’s ear] That I cannot do. **Jester** : I’ll give you anything you ask. **Coldfire** We’ve known each other many years, but this is the first time you came to me for moderating, for counsel, for help. I can’t remember the last time that you invited me to your virtual house for a post party, even though my wife is godmother to your only child. But let’s be frank here: you never wanted my friendship. And uh, you were afraid to be in my debt. **Jester** I didn’t want to get into trouble. **Coldfire** I understand. You found paradise at the **SDMB** , had a good trade, made a good living, made people laugh… Your ISP protected you; and there were courts of law. And you didn’t need a friend of me. But, uh, now you come to me and you say – “Don **Coldfire** give me justice.” – But you don’t ask with respect. You don’t offer friendship. You don’t even think to call me **BOARDFATHER**. Instead, you come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married, and on the day of the **DOPEFEST** , and you uh ask me to do murder, for money. **Jester** I ask you for justice. **Coldfire** That is not justice; your thread is still alive. **Jester** Then they can suffer then, make them partially deleted. (then) How much shall I pay you? **Coldfire** (stands, turning his back toward **Jester** ) **Jester** … **Jester** … What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? Had you come to me in friendship, then this scum that ruined your thread would be suffering this very day. And that by chance if an honest man such as yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear you. **Jester** Be my friend – (then, after bowing and the Don shrugs) – **Boardfather?** **Coldfire** (after **Jester** kisses his hand) Good. (then) Some day, and that day may never come, I’ll call upon you to do a service for me. But uh, until that day – accept this justice as a gift on DOPEFEST and my daughter’s wedding day. **Jester** (as he leaves the room) Grazie, Boardfather. **Coldfire** Prego. (then, to\*\* manhattan\*\*, after **Jester** leaves the room) Ah, give this to ah, **Gaudere**. I want reliable people; people that aren’t gonna be carried away. I’m mean, we’re not murderers, despite of what this undertaker says. To be Continued… ---
**Author:** ![lno](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a8b319/32.png) [@lno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lno)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2001, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-boardfather-an-epic/77354/2 "2001-08-21T16:03:17Z")
I call dibs on Fredo. I want to leer drunkenly at whoever gets to play Kay. ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2001, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-boardfather-an-epic/77354/3 "2001-08-21T16:05:27Z")
Hi, Hamlet. How ya doin’. While I appreciate a good laugh as much as the next guy, I also have a job to do here. Part of this job is making sure the content on the message board doesn’t get us in copyright trouble. Now, there might be a slight problem when Mr. Puzo himself (oh, alright, NOT Puzo himself ;)) finds out you merely replaced “Corleone” with “Coldfire”. So I’m going to have to ask you to be a little more original than this… ---
**Author:** ![Hamlet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hamlet/32/2818_2.png) [@Hamlet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamlet)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2001, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-boardfather-an-epic/77354/4 "2001-08-21T17:20:15Z")
O.K. Coldie, it was just an intro. And my quick apologies to all the characters in this little play in my head. I mean no offense. **Arnold Winkelried** dressed in a tuxedo, and **alphagene** arrive to the wedding/dopefest in their huge stretch limo, and slowly make their way through the crowds of Dopers, saying their hellos, shaking hands, and drinking heavily. In the background, **thinksnow** is seen puking on himself, while **stoid** makes fun of him **Zenster** takes a picture of **SuaSponte** , only to have **Geobabe** rip the disk out of the camera, run a magnet over it, and beat the living tar out of Zenster. **TVeblen** stands off to the side, talking to himself, (as often happens) **alphagene** **Arnold** , that man over there is talking to himself. See that mentally challenged guy over there? **Arnold** (after glancing over at **TVeblen** ) He’s a very mentally challenged guy. ``` **TVeblen** continues to talk to himself, yet he is approached by **Scylla** who begins to talk to himself also. They appear to be having a great debate, but, in fact, they are just saying the same thing...over and over and over.........neither really listens to each other. ``` **Arnold** His name is **TVeblen** Brasi – an’ he helps **Coldfire** out sometimes. **TVeblen** and **mnemoth** come over to Arnold and Alphagene. **TVeblen** : **Arnold** will you please explain to this nitwit that they must ALWAYS preview Scylla: Preview be damned! I am intelligent, witty, insightful, and skilled at writing that I don’t have to preview. Just ask any member of my soon to be announced ScyllaCult ™ who will tell you how great I am… **Arnold** is luckily saved by the arrival of **manhattan** , who kisses **alphagene** on the cheek, and says hello. He shakes Arnold’s hand and admires the obvious wealth that Arnold has obtained. **manhattan** , being **manhattan** , also sees the future and answers the yet-unformed question from **alphagene**. **manhattan** You see alpha…may I call you alpha? **David B.** found me wandering the internet, checking out porn sites, searching for something. **David B.** showed me the way to the **SDMB** , helped me in my first posts…and eventually helped me become a moderator. I understand that you and **Arnold** are … how to say it **Alpahgene** WE ARE NOTHING!!! , well…fine…if I have to…You owe me big time. I just want it know this is completely against my will, but I need to advance the story, so Yes, I’m madly in lo… I am madly in love with … Oh screw it, I can’t lie through my teeth like that. **Arnold** But what about the storyline. I need you to love me…LOVE ME DAMMIT!!! ``` At this point, the mods all get together with alpha and eventually beat her defenses down. ``` **Alphagene** (whispering0 i love **Arnold** **Arnold** What, I don’t think anyone heard you. **Alphagene** I LOVE YOU!!! rassin frassin bull… There are you happy now? This little interlude is interrupted as the attendees of the Dopefest begin shouting and screaming in joy. **iampunha** has arrived to the Dopefest. The women Dopers throw themselves prostrate and cry for love. The male Dopers stare in awe as the Doper musician makes his way to the stage. As iampunha takes his guitar out of its case, the cries get even louder. Just as he is about to strike the first chord, the Dopers rush the stage. **jarbabyj** grabs iampunha and… throws him to the side of the stage. The camera then shows that behind iampunha, Rammstein was setting up. As Rammstein begins to play, the other Dopers return to their heavy drinking, and **iampunha** sulks over to Arnold’s and Alphagene’s table. **Arnold** Hey, did you here the great news. Somebody loves me. Alphagene said she loves me. This is the greatest day of my life. Alphagene grits her teeth, almost filing them down to the gums. **Iampunha** (whispering to alpahagene) I am very, very, very sorry for you. **Alphagene** So, what’s your story? **Iampunha** Well, I was trying to be a musician, and Coldie helped me out. I was under contract to a stone-deaf producer who had an IQ of 10. Coldie went to the producer and offered to buy out my contract for 10 cents. The producer, not realizing that 10 cents was probably 10 times my value, said no. The next day, Coldie came to the producer, but this time with Tveblen. Within an hour, the producer had given up the rights to my music…for a penny. **Alphagene** Arnold? How did Coldie get the producer to sign for less? **Arnold** (singing) Somebody loves me…Somebody loves me … Nah nana Nah na na. **alphagene** Forget it, he’s useless **Iampunha** Well, Coldie just approached the producer and said: > [@](#): > > While I appreciate a good laugh as much as the next guy, I also have a job to do here. Part of this job is making sure the content on the message board doesn’t get us in copyright trouble. The producer realized that Coldie was a humorless, stick in the mud, and besides, the producer reallly liked those 1 cent pieces of gum, and, as I said, he’s not so bright. Oh yeah, and Tveblen promised to stop singing to the producer. So, it all worked out. **Alphagene** How could he? That animal. **Arnold** (finally waking up) That’s the moderators, alphagene, not me. _To be continued. Unless you’d rather reread RueDeDay’s stories which are infinitely more humorous. Yeah, check those out_. ---
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2001, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-boardfather-an-epic/77354/5 "2001-08-21T17:24:20Z")
Tveblen Brasi? “He” is going to tear you a new one. ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2001, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-boardfather-an-epic/77354/6 "2001-08-21T17:30:15Z")
Boy, you puke on yourself after chugging ten beers while running through the ocean as part of a college Spring Break _beer triathelon_ in which you place third and suddenly everyone thinks you can’t hold your liquer! Thanks for thinking of me though, _I_ like the story so far. [sub]Isn’t Alphagene a guy?[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Hamlet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hamlet/32/2818_2.png) [@Hamlet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamlet)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2001, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-boardfather-an-epic/77354/7 "2001-08-21T17:54:03Z")
**Holy Crap! Look over there everybody!!! It’s a nekkid person, and a UFO, and God him/herself.** Look, I didn’t know alphagene was a man. I DIDN"T KNOW. I apologize profusely. I’ll just change it to TubaDiva, these idiots reading this thing won’t even notice. It’s called a anachronism, dopers just love them. **HEY, KEEP LOOKING OVER THERE, ITS ELVIS**. I’ll just change it right now. **OK YOU CAN TURN AROUND NOW!** While Arnold, TubaDiva, and Iampunha are sitting at the table, a very drunk Crunchyfrog approaches them and falls into a chair next to TubaDiva. **Crunchyfrog** Hey…toots…yousa wanna (burp) maybeee go shthomwhere and be aloonnnne? _After a 20 second pause_ I meanthh with me? Alone with me. (Hic) I mean have sex. Huh? **TubaDiva** No way, creep **Crunchyfrog** Howsa about you Iampunha? LNO then races up to the table, completely out of breath. **LNO** (breathing heavily) Am…I…too…late? I … want…to…be…Fredo… **Crunchyfrog** Fraydo? The clay stuff kids play with? **Arnold** No, he means you, Crunch **Crunchyfrog** What? LNO wants to be the one to have sex with me? Alllllriggghhhtttt!!! **LNO** Oh shit, I ummmmm here my mommy calling, I have to run. LNO takes off faster than a speeding bullet, but does take a brief second to leer at TubaDiva. _CUT TO INTERIOR OF THE COLDFIRE MANSION_ Iampunha, Coldfire, Manhattan, and David B. are all sitting around having beers. David B. pulls a lighter out of his pocket. **David B.** Hey, you guys know what a blue flame is? The men then break into peels of laughter. Oddly there is a sweet tobacco smell in the room. Manhattan starts to slam a beer, while Coldfire begins telling a off-color joke about a nun, a donkey, and 8 pairs of trousers. **Coldie** (noticeing us for the first time) Oh shit guys. They’re back. Dammit, put that thing out. Button your shirt, iampunha. Manhattan, try not to puke. Why didn’t you warn me David B.? **David B.** I thought they were still out with Crunchyfrog… **Coldfire** Anyway…So, you were telling me about your problems in the music biz, Iampunha? **iampunha** I was? Oh yeah, now I remember. Well, Don Coldfire, I went to Hollywood and I wanted to get a this really good movie roll. It’s Lethal Weapon 5, but the head of the studios says the role has to go to the guy who played it in the first four lethal weapons, M.Gibson. I really want this role, Coldfire, what can I do? **Coldfire** (slapping iampunha in the head) You can stop acting like a hardyygirl. _mocking womens voice_ Oh I love wrestling, Oh my love life sucks, oh I can’t stand my life choices…What can I do??? Look, I’ll take care of it. Quit your whining, your making me ill. I’ll make him a offer he can’t refuse. **iampunha** Thank you Boardfather. _time for a break, be back soon_ ---
**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2001, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-boardfather-an-epic/77354/8 "2001-08-21T19:17:22Z")
I get to be the sniveling guy in the beginning? AWESOME! Keep up the good work, **Hamlet**. ---
**Author:** ![Hamlet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hamlet/32/2818_2.png) [@Hamlet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamlet)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2001, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-boardfather-an-epic/77354/9 "2001-08-21T20:46:12Z")
CUT TO: Hollywood California, not North Hollywood, it’s not that kind of movie (yet), but the Hollywood you see in movies like the Godfath…errr I mean any other movies that I may or may not be making a parody of. Yeah, thats it. Manhattan is seen arriving at the movie studio. He comes upon Eutychus55, who is overseeing the production of his latest movie, entitled. “Think before you Post, Dammit” (starring Jack Nicholson reprising his role from the POSTman always rings twice, and Kevin Costner, reprising his role in The POSTman). Manhattan was to meet with CK Dexter Haven, but he was busy in North Hollywood making a couple of THOSE kind of movies. I think you know what I mean. **manhattan** I was sent by a friend of Iampunha – Well not really a friend, more of an acquaintance. Well, I wouldn’t call him an acquaintance, more of a co-exister on this Planet Earth. His friend is my client, who’d give his undying friendship to you, if you were willing to grant us a small…favor. **Eutychus55** Does it involve a lot of booze, a nun, a donkey, and 8 pairs of pants? Please Please Please say it does. I could get Haven to film it. **manhattan** No, but I’ll pass on your willingness to my client, he just may be interested, if you lose the 8 pairs of pants. Actually, we want you to put Iampunha in Lethal Weapon 5. **Eutychus55** (laughing) O.K. **manhattan** Really? **Eutychus55** Sure, what the hell do I care. That one guy who did Cop Rock is directing and they need a singer/musician cop. **manhattan** O.K. Wow, that was easier than I thought. Oh wait, I just remembered, Iampunha wants the lead role, the one given to M.Gibson. \*\* Eutychus55\*\* No way. You can’t change the main character after 4 installments! **manhattan** Sure you can, I’ll just tell my client, the Boardfather, **MEBuckner** , that you can do it. **Eutychus55** I’ll be damned, I guess you can change characters whenever you want. **manhattan** You should see what some putz did to the poor character of Kay. **Eutychus55** Well…I’ll still have to say no! No matter what you do, Iampunha will not have that job. (You see, Eutychus55 was caught in the same trap, he had to play along even though he knew it would probably end badly for him.) And what “favor” would your special friend grant me? **Manhattan** Well…there is a nun, a donkey and… ummmm I guess not. Well, during the movie you may have trouble with your postings, my client can clean those up. Also one of your posters has just moved from ah marijuana to heroin… **Eutychus55** Who is it? Zarathrusa? Badtz Maru? Oh who the hell am I kidding? It’s probably all of them, damn Dopers. **manhattan** Well, do we have a deal **eutychus55** No way you \*&@()_! %?()\_@%(@\*(#@_\_\*@#(_(@#)_\_@(#\*, and your momma too. By the way, have I shown you my prize Goat? He was in one of Haven’s films. He’s worth a cool million. I really love that goat…I mean REALLY love that goat, so nothing better happen to that poor Goat. Why I’d be heartbroken if anything bad happened to my goat. Yep Yep Yep. I’d probably do whatever you want if you hurt my goat. Yessirreeee Bob. **manhattan** Mr. Coldfire is a moderator to Iampunha. In the SDMB family that is a very sacred, very religous thing. He will not be happy to hear this news, so I’m staying here and have erislover tell him. I’m no idiot. **eutychus55** Fine, I guess I’ll go to sleep now, yep, did I mention that I sure love that goat. CUT TO EUTYCHUS55’S BEDROOM Eutychus55 is asleep. He slowly awakens to find a wet, sticky fluid all over him and soaking through his bed. At first he thinks Haven had shot one of “those” movies in the bed, but remembers Haven is in North Hollywood, not here. As Euty slowly wakes up, he feels a big bulge in the bed next too him, under the covers. The wet, sticky fluid is everywhere. Screwing up all his courage, and knowing he was screwed when he had to say no to manhattan. He never shoulda listened to that damn narrator. He grabs the cover, getting more of the fluid on his hands. He smells, and lifts his hand to his mouth…Bernaise??? He throws back the covers to reveal the head of… Broccoli. **Eutychus55** NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Hmmmm, wait a minute. Hey! This is kinda tasty. Yum yum. Javamaven must have whipped this up. Damn it’s good. Hey, my goat friend, call Coldfire and tell him Iampunha can have the job…Hmmmm tasty. C’mon I know Coldie is evil, but not that evil. _more later_ Feedback? ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2001, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-boardfather-an-epic/77354/10 "2001-08-21T21:12:49Z")
Hey-can I be the Appolonia of the Straight Dope? I have an interesting, long, feminine name? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Witch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8e7dd6/32.png) [@The\_Witch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Witch)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2001, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-boardfather-an-epic/77354/11 "2001-08-22T00:42:12Z")
Anytime “blue flaming” makes it into a parody of a movie, it’s all right with me. Hee, hee, hee!!! Now that’s class! Someone’s been watching too much AMC lately. Not much feedback from most of the characters yet? Maybe everyone thinks they know where this is going. Or, maybe you’ve offended every poster on the SDMB. Not me though–as long as you don’t make me Sophia Coppolla. Oh wait, that’s number 3 isn’t it. There’s plenty of time. ---
**Author:** ![hardygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@hardygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hardygrrl)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2001, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-boardfather-an-epic/77354/12 "2001-08-22T01:22:09Z")
Sure, mention my name in _that_ way. 🙂 [whiny voice] And he didn’t even spell it right! [/whiny voice] Could of been worse. You _could_ have made me the bridesmaid Sonny used as a doorstop. ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2001, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-boardfather-an-epic/77354/13 "2001-08-22T06:16:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hamlet \* > **Arnold (after glancing over at TVeblen) > He’s a very mentally challenged guy.** **TVeblen** leisurely inspects her nail polish for chips then (after glancing at hapless and unfairly maligned **Arnold** ) levels her Death Stare at **Hamlet**. \*\* > [@](#): > > His name is **TVeblen** Brasi – an’ he helps **Coldfire** out sometimes.\*\* Her name is **TVeblen** and **Coldy** is her pal. Since he’s basically a stand-up guy she decides not to leave **Hamlet’s** severed head in his bed just by way of a joke. She has a droll sense of humor that way. \*\* [/QUOTE] ---
**Author:** ![Hamlet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hamlet/32/2818_2.png) [@Hamlet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamlet)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2001, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-boardfather-an-epic/77354/14 "2001-08-22T17:12:15Z")
_hardygrrl, Sorry about the mispelling. Thank you so much for having a sense of humor about this! I was going to make Ginger or Abby the bridesmaid 😉_ DISSOLVE TO: A rundown office space, filled with papers, computers, and fast food cartons. In one corner, sits a cage containing 12 each of squirrels, gerbils, and hamsters. Attached to the cage is a large wheel, on which half of the animals are running their little hearts out (not literally, their hearts are still in their chests, otherwise they’d be dead.) The animals are giving 110% percent. (Again, not literally, it is impossible to give 110%) There is a large wire running from the wheel to a master server labeled SDMB, on which is placed a bumper sticker: The Big Bang was a Naked Singularity. In another corner is a huge pile of festive hats. The hat at the top is the “Moderator Hat” but there is also a Hogan’s Heros type German military hat, a tiara, and a hat made up of dictionary pages. In another corner, this one kept spotless, stands a giant statute of Cecil Adams. The statute is kept immaculate, and there are daily offerings of flowers, 12 year old scotch (which strangely disappears more often then you would think.), and cigars. In another corner, sits all the furniture, which is currently inhabited by “The Family.” In another corner…oh wait, that would be five corners. The furniture, all heavy, dark, and powerful, is arranged in a circle. Around the circle sits Coldfire, David B. Gaudere, manhattan, TVeblen (who is incredibly feminine and beautiful and forgiving, but is still filing down her nails and skeptically watching the proceedings), Gaudere, and Crunchyfrog. **Coldfire** Tell me about this Hamlet. **manhattan** Hamlet is a relative newbie, and is known on the street as a man of infinite jest. Of course that street is the one he lives on, and in fact, it’s only known on one house of the street, his. On other streets nobody really knows or cares about him. He’s supposed to very good with a witty comment, but only in matters of business or some sort of reasonable complaint. He thinks he’s funnier than he is. He is here to approach the family with a proposal. The Milossarian family is behind him here on the boards, so you know Milo has to be getting something. Milossarian comes running into the office. **Milossarian** Wait just a minute. There is no way I want to mentioned by you in this thread. It’s a kiss of death. _But I need some backing_ **Milossarian** Look, I don’t know you from Adam, so there is no way I’m getting involved in this. _It’s for the story. Hell, nobody in this thread wants to be here (except for LNO, and he left) and Guinastasia, but she won’t make an appearance until later. The Witch wants to wait until the third episode, which should take place oh about NEVER! I’m just pulling names at random from people I’ve seen who seem to have a sense of humor about themselves. Your one of the lucky ones._ **Milossarian** Well, I guess I have no say in the matter anyway. Plus, I’ll kick your ass at fantasy football, that’ll make me feel better. _Can I go on now?_ **Milossarian** Can I stop you? Guess not. **manhattan** AHEM!!! Thank You. (Seriously) Hamlet is waiting outside to speak with you. **Coldfire** What about his posting record? **manhattan** He’s been a member since February 2000, but only has 170 or so posts. Some of them are interesting, some of them are funny, and some a downright vanity exercise, especially one where he goes on and on with a parody of The Godfather and doesn’t realize nobody really cares. **Coldfire** Whatta think David B? **David B.** There is something there that intrigues me. Kinda like a car crash. **Coldfire** manhattan? **manhattan** Me? I say talk to him. Maybe he has something to say. But I must say I am also interested in seeing him fall flat on his face. Besides, if we don’t meet with him, somebody else will. Maybe some of the other Posters. Now, we have the Boards, and the moderating, and they are the best things to have, but humor and annoyance may be the thing of the future. And if we lose our humor, we risk everything, maybe not now, but many years from now. **David B.** So, what’s your answer gonna be, Coldie ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Amazing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@Captain\_Amazing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Amazing)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2001, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-boardfather-an-epic/77354/15 "2001-08-22T17:27:23Z")
**Chronos** sleeps with the fishes. ---
**Author:** ![BunnyGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@BunnyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyGirl)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2001, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-boardfather-an-epic/77354/16 "2001-08-22T19:25:13Z")
and?..AND? I’m waiting with baited breath for the next installment. ---
**Author:** ![Hamlet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hamlet/32/2818_2.png) [@Hamlet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamlet)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2001, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-boardfather-an-epic/77354/17 "2001-08-22T19:34:03Z")
- you made my day Bunnygirl, thanks\* **Coldfire** Send him in. **Hamlet** Wazzzzuuuuppp. Man, LiMP BiZZcuTTT RocKS. Fuck Yeah!!! I’m in the HOUSE!!! [quotationsubscript$&@(\*)\_!] YOU ALL SUCK!!! WOO HOO!!! [quotattonassugvus;a} :-); ;0 :6 weeee **Coldfire** KILL HIM NOW!!! Coldfire, David B. Gaudere, manhattan, TVeblen, Gaudere, and Crunchyfrog. All jump out of their seats and race to be the first one to kill Hamlet. **Hamlet** WAIT!, Just a joke! Coldfire, I need a mod who has powerful friends. I need a little leeway to build my empire. I need, Don Coldfire, those posters that you carry in your pocket, like so many nickels and dimes. I also have some ideas for the Boards. **Coldfire** What is the interests for my family? **Hamlet** A sense of doing a good thing? A true altruistic feeling? OK, how about a beer? **Coldfire** And what is the interest for the Milossarian Family? **Hamlet** (to manhattan) My compliments. Wait? All you had to do was read the above posts. Oh well. (then to Don Coldfire) I’ll take care of milossarian, outta my share. **Coldfire** And what do you want for the SDMB? **Hamlet** Well, I was thinking you could give me mod status. **Coldfire** HAHAHAHAHA, I must say “no” to you – and I’ll give you my reasons. It’s true, I have a lot of friends on the SDMB, but they wouldn’t be friendly very long if they knew I allowed you to have our power. It – makes – it doesn’t make any difference to me what you post, as long as you understand that you are bound by the SDMB rules. But, your “parodies” are, how do I say this, – a little dangerous. **hamlet** If you’re worried about me messing with the boards, Milossarian will vouch for me **Milossarian** (from offstage) HELL NO! I DON’T VOUCH FOR HIM. HE’S A KNOB. DON’T YOU DRAG ME INTO THIS! **Coldfire** My no is final, and I wish you the best in your postings, and I know you’ll do very well; and good luck to you – as best as your interests don’t conflict with my interests. Hamlet leaves the meeting, sulking, but looking damn handsome if I do say so myself, and I do say so myself. Hamlet goes to his computer and types in a Godfather parody, in which, Hamlet goes to his computer and types in a Godfather parody, in which, Hamlet goes to his computer and types in a Godfather parody, in which, Hamlet goes to his computer and types in a Godfather parody, in which . . . CUT TO: TVeblen siting down alone with Coldfire at Coldfire’s office. Still looking wonderfully forgiving, but with very, very, very sharp nails. **Coldfire** I’m a little worried about this Hamlet fella. I want you to find out what he’s got under his fingernails, ya’know. Go to the boards and pretend to be his friend. Find out what you can. **TVeblen** Yes Boardfather. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Witch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8e7dd6/32.png) [@The\_Witch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Witch)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2001, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-boardfather-an-epic/77354/18 "2001-08-22T20:10:13Z")
How 'bout a feminist retelling. I think you should have Sonny’s sister (I have no idea who this is in this thread because I don’t know the movie well enough) beat up her husband–you can make her **hardygrrl**. Perhaps it could just be sparring by witicism. And then the husband can be banned for being a wenie. ---
**Author:** ![Hamlet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hamlet/32/2818_2.png) [@Hamlet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamlet)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2001, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-boardfather-an-epic/77354/19 "2001-08-22T20:31:59Z")
CUT TO: Coldfire’s home. I would describe it to you in detail, but that would only get me into more trouble. Nope, not going to describe what he is like when he is at home either. It’s too easy. There’s no way I’m going out on a limb and tell you what his home life is like. Respect his right to privacy, plus I’d only be guessing. Well, I will say three words: Beer, porn, and Euty’s Goat. I’ve already said too much. We pan through the house, going through the entryway, the living room, the bedroom, and finally into a steamy bathroom. We see Coldfire, just about to get out of his shower …AUUUGHHHHHHHH!!! DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!!!, We run like hell out of the bathroom, through the bedroom, through the living room, where we trip over the goat (dammit), and back to the entryway, trying to catch our breath. We give Coldfire a few minutes to get himself together. Lalalalalalalalalalalala Hmmmmm Hmmm Hmmmm What is taking so long… Doobie Doobie Do…exchanging glances… doobie doobie… Oh wait, there he is. Coldfire steps out of his bedroom, dressed in an outstanding Armani suit, complete with a cane. Not a hair out of place, smelling like a spring day. He walks to the kitchen, and goes to the refrigerator. He takes an orange out of the fridge, and heads to his computer. He Instant Messages Crunchyfrog. **Coldfire** Andiamo, Fredo, I mean Crunchy. I’m going to the SDMB now. **Crunchyfrog** What the heck? You know it’s way too early in the morning for this, god I’m hungover. Fine, I’ll see you there… Oh, by the way, waterj2 said that you should use your mod code this morning. **Coldfire** Fine. CUT TO: Tveblen and Hamlet sitting in his house. And no I won’t describe it to you either. OK you can have the three words: Nun, Goat, 9 pairs of pants. **hamlet** Gee, It was really nice of you to want to get together. I had no idea you wanted to become my friend. **TVeblen** (sweetly) Of course I do, you’re smart (cough), witty (hack, hack), and handsome(Bwhahahahahahaha) **hamlet** (concerned) Why are you laughing so hard after you said those nice things about me. **TVeblen** Ummm. Cause you are so witty and funny, Sure, that’s the ticket. Now that we’re friends, I want you to show me what you have under your fingernails. **hamlet** What? **TVeblen** (realizing that Coldfire was speaking figuratively, kinda like the 110% thing) Ummm, nothing. **hamlet** Oh, by the way, here’s your beer… **TVeblen** Thanks. You know Hamlet, you’re not such a bad person after all. Hamlet turns straight to the camera with a crazed look in his eye. CUT TO: Coldfire’s residence again. Coldfire is sitting at his computer, pounding on the keys furiously. **Coldfire** What the hell is going on here. Why won’t my password work. Golly Gee whiz. Hey, who resurrected all these old threads. Why can’t I close this thread linking the SDMB to a porn site (I’ll save that one for later). What the hell is this? The Search Feature has a Search All function?? (Getting more and more flustered and red in the face). Dear God in heaven, what is wrong with my computer. Why can’t I get into the SDMB? Dammit. Suddenly, Coldfire looks straight into his computer, tries to stand, but instead falls into a heap by the computer. His body twitches slightly and then lies still. A slow pan up to Coldfire’s computer shows a single word, flashing in huge letters: BANNED!!! ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2001, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-boardfather-an-epic/77354/20 "2001-08-23T00:00:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hamlet \* > > Interior of Coldfire’s newly rebuilt estate. Coldfire sits behind his massive desk, softly stroking his pet cat, jarbabyj. Although my part is small, I will accept it for no pay on the assurance that we will shoot the scene in a minimum of 150 takes… jarbaby [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-boardfather-an-epic/77354.md?page=2)