# The CanaDoper Café, 2013 edition. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 1, 2013, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736 "2013-01-01T03:29:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 26
**Author:** ![Registered\_at\_Last](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bc79bd/32.png) [@Registered\_at\_Last](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Registered_at_Last)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2013, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736/501 "2013-03-04T14:35:38Z")
Bravo! \*\*Spoons \*\*should stay up late writing Canadian movie scripts more often! That is a version of Argo I would go see. It bugs me to have not seen the best picture since I try to see all the nominees every year … but c’est la vie. I refuse to watch a movie I know is going to annoy me to no end! ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2013, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736/502 "2013-03-04T14:53:53Z")
> [@Spoons](#): > > It’s been a while since I’ve seen _The Longest Day_, but I don’t recall the Canadians being mentioned or featured much, if at all. If I recall the film correctly, D-Day was solely a UK-US operation. There was a fairly substantial and, for the time, quite originally directed sequence involving the Free French army. > [@](#): > > Let’s face it, Hollywood has a long track record of fictionalizing history to show Americans in a good light. Often, at our (and other countries’) expense. One would expect no less; Hollywood is located in the United States. Canadian movies and TV shows tend to emphasize Canadian things and make fun of Americans. Regrettably, our film industry is small and its efforts to make big budget pictures have resulted in dogs like “Passchendaele.” Whatever the historical problems with “Argo,” it is a picture made with an extremely high degree of technical and artistic competence. If Canadians want different stories heard, then the stories can’t just be told, they have to be told WELL. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2013, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736/503 "2013-03-04T15:26:40Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > There was a fairly substantial and, for the time, quite originally directed sequence involving the Free French army. > One would expect no less; Hollywood is located in the United States. Canadian movies and TV shows tend to emphasize Canadian things and make fun of Americans. > > Regrettably, our film industry is small and its efforts to make big budget pictures have resulted in dogs like “Passchendaele.” > > Whatever the historical problems with “Argo,” it is a picture made with an extremely high degree of technical and artistic competence. If Canadians want different stories heard, then the stories can’t just be told, they have to be told WELL. Party pooper. ---
**Author:** ![Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ce7236/32.png) [@Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mona_Lisa_Simpson)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2013, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736/504 "2013-03-04T17:44:59Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > I get cones at Merla Mae – the best soft ice cream in the universe. Quoted for truth. Opening day and closing day or sorry WERE huge events in my family. _sigh_ and the chicken burgers. ---
**Author:** ![Dread\_Pirate\_Jimbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dread_pirate_jimbo/32/3897_2.png) [@Dread\_Pirate\_Jimbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dread_Pirate_Jimbo)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2013, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736/505 "2013-03-04T18:08:41Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Well, son of a gun. We have the [same buses](http://www.ottawacitizen.com/technology/Ottawa+push+photo+Internet/8037699/story.html) with the same issue. > The line we’ve been given is that snow tires are not available for these buses. City Council has been taking it on the chin for a few years over this, but this straw probably broke the camel’s back. Commuters were very inconvenienced last Wednesday. The line is a lie. My father, who drives a bus for Calgary Transit, tells me that winter tires are readily available for buses but that most transit systems don’t use them for two reasons: 1) the cost of purchasing two sets of tires for every bus is prohibitively high and 2) storing half of those tires for six months per year is both prohibitively expensive and would use up a prohibitive amount of space. If you think about it, for the City of Calgary to store enough off-season tires for a fleet of 960+ buses would take up crazy amounts of warehouse space. So they don’t. > [@Spoons](#): > > Let’s have a little fun. Let’s do like the Americans do, and rewrite the definitive Canadian version of Argo (hey, if Hollywod can fictionalize it, so can we): > > The six Americans escape, and are on the run in Teheran. > > Suddenly, six women in camo bikinis appear (gotta have the sex appeal, which Canadian movies never have). They are equipped with both handguns (strapped to their thighs), as well as AR-15s. They escort the confused and scared Americans to the Canadian ambassador’s house. > > The women are identified as members of CHICS: Canadian Heavies In Crown Service. A CIA official tries to intervene in the name of the United States of America, but the CHICS put him up against the wall, and ask, “You think so, Yankee-boy? This is our operation.” > > The CIA operative is forced to leave, and is promptly set upon by an angry Iranian mob. He dies. > > The US President is at a loss for what to do. This never happened in the movies that he starred in–the US always won. What to do? He calls the Canadian PM for advice. > > The Canadian PM calmly advises that “we have everything under control.” The US President asks, “With your military? You have to be kidding!” The Canadian PM says, “We don’t need a military. Just watch us.” The US President has a flashback to 1970–after an advisor, who knows a researcher, who took “Canadian Studies” at the University of Rhode Island, tells him what “just watch me” means in Canada. The President agrees to let the Canadian PM handle things. > > The Canadian cabinet agrees to issue fake Canadian passports to the six Americans–only if each can pass Canadian tests. Each must agree that hockey is the best game ever; that the Stanley Cup is more valuable than the Super Bowl; that basketball isn’t really a game and besides, it sucks; that Harvard gives a lesser education than University of Toronto; that CFL is superior to NFL; and that single-payer healthcare is better to whatever the US offers under private health insurance. All six Americans agree. > > Off to the airport. The six CHICS run interference, which mostly consists of shocking Muslim clerics on the streets of Teheran. (We need sex appeal at this point to keep the audience interested.) At the airport, the pseudo-Canadians (i.e. Americans) hand over their passports to the Iranian exit control guard. > > Iranian official: Who is going to win the next Stanley Cup? > Pseudo-Canadian: Boston. Toronto always sucks. > Iranian official: Yes. What are you looking forward to when you get home? > Pseudo-Canadian: An ice-cold Ex. > Iranian official: Good. Do you have any cigarettes? > Pseudo-Canadian: Sure do. Export, eh? [Or “DuMauri-eh” or “Matin-eh.”] > Iranian official: Thank you. Have a nice trip. > > The six Americans touch down in Toronto. The US President is there, welcoming his coutrymen home, but also tearfully thanking the Canadian PM. The PM breaks the fourth wall, and winks at the camera. > > Next–Canadian Caper Two: Kandahar Boogaloo. We also need an all-Canadian cast. Bring in people like Nathan Fillion, Jewel Staite, David James Elliott, etc. to fill the roles of the American fugitives along with more Canadian actors to play the real heroes (off the top of my head, I think Elisha Cuthbert, Hannah Simone and Erica Durance would do well as memebrs of CHICS). Andalso featuring Paul Gross as PM Joe Clark and William Shatner as President Jimmy Carter. 🙂 > [@RickJay](#): > > There was a fairly substantial and, for the time, quite originally directed sequence involving the Free French army. > One would expect no less; Hollywood is located in the United States. Canadian movies and TV shows tend to emphasize Canadian things and make fun of Americans. > > Regrettably, our film industry is small and its efforts to make big budget pictures have resulted in dogs like “Passchendaele.” > > Whatever the historical problems with “Argo,” it is a picture made with an extremely high degree of technical and artistic competence. If Canadians want different stories heard, then the stories can’t just be told, they have to be told WELL. We certainly have the acting talent coming out of Canada. There are also plenty of Canadians making TV and movies in Canada as part of American productions. What we need to do is find a way to get those Canadian film crews on board with a Canadian production. As to “Passchendaele,” while its $20 million budget was huge for a Canadian production, it really is peanuts compared to a major motion picture release where that’ll barely cover the salaries for the cast. If we want to do it up right, we have to find some serious funding. ---
**Author:** ![Le\_Ministre\_de\_l\_au-dela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/le_ministre_de_l_au-dela/32/12181_2.png) [@Le\_Ministre\_de\_l\_au-dela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Le_Ministre_de_l_au-dela)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2013, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736/506 "2013-03-04T19:37:05Z")
If we don’t tell our own stories, we can’t expect anyone else to tell them for us and do a good job of it. You want Canadian stories told well - that’s what the CBC is there for. ---
**Author:** ![Cyros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a698b9/32.png) [@Cyros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyros)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2013, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736/507 "2013-03-04T20:12:50Z")
> [@Le\_Ministre\_de\_l\_au-dela](#): > > You want Canadian stories told well - that’s what the CBC is there for. Crap, we’re hosed, eh. ---
**Author:** ![Dread\_Pirate\_Jimbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dread_pirate_jimbo/32/3897_2.png) [@Dread\_Pirate\_Jimbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dread_Pirate_Jimbo)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2013, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736/508 "2013-03-04T20:24:37Z")
> [@Le\_Ministre\_de\_l\_au-dela](#): > > If we don’t tell our own stories, we can’t expect anyone else to tell them for us and do a good job of it. > > You want Canadian stories told well - that’s what the CBC is there for. Oh Good Lord, no. The CBC is for telling Canadian stories the CBC way. If we as a nation ever hope to get our stories out to the masses, including beyond our own borders, we have to do it in a professional, well-funded manner that steps outside of the CBC/NFB confines or what we’ll wind up with will be some cruddy Anne of Green Beachcombers production. ---
**Author:** ![Le\_Ministre\_de\_l\_au-dela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/le_ministre_de_l_au-dela/32/12181_2.png) [@Le\_Ministre\_de\_l\_au-dela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Le_Ministre_de_l_au-dela)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2013, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736/509 "2013-03-04T20:32:18Z")
Yeah, the CBC really fucked up ‘A People’s History of Canada’ and ‘The National Dream’. Oh, wait… ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2013, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736/510 "2013-03-04T21:18:12Z")
> [@Dread\_Pirate\_Jimbo](#): > > … Anne of Green Beachcombers production. Thank you, **Jimbo** ; my monitor is now wearing coffee. ---
**Author:** ![Dread\_Pirate\_Jimbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dread_pirate_jimbo/32/3897_2.png) [@Dread\_Pirate\_Jimbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dread_Pirate_Jimbo)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2013, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736/511 "2013-03-04T21:20:59Z")
We’re in trouble if we can only muster up two critically acclaimed documentaries over the last 40 years. But I knew that already. 🙂 I’d love to argue with you over what I suspect were tepid viewership numbers for A People’s History, but I can’t find any information one way or the other in a quick Google search (I did note that The National Dream was broadcast on the BBC, although there was no information as to how many people watched it). I’d be fairly stunned if the series reached a significant audience outside Canada, and that was part of my point – we’re constantly inundated with “historical” entertainment brought to us through the lens of US American bias or British bias, but delivering the Canadian point of view to anyone other than CBC viewers will require far more mojo than that corporation can generate. ---
**Author:** ![Dread\_Pirate\_Jimbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dread_pirate_jimbo/32/3897_2.png) [@Dread\_Pirate\_Jimbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dread_Pirate_Jimbo)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2013, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736/512 "2013-03-04T21:22:12Z")
> [@Spoons](#): > > Thank you, **Jimbo** ; my monitor is now wearing coffee. I’m here all week! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2013, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736/513 "2013-03-04T21:53:04Z")
> [@Le\_Ministre\_de\_l\_au-dela](#): > > If we don’t tell our own stories, we can’t expect anyone else to tell them for us and do a good job of it. > > You want Canadian stories told well - that’s what the CBC is there for. Finally - a reason to spend all those millions! 😃 And, also, seconding the “we’re hosed” sentiment - we want Canadians stories told properly, not Toronto stories told by Torontonians for Torontonians. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2013, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736/514 "2013-03-04T22:08:45Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Finally - a reason to spend all those millions! 😃 > > And, also, seconding the “we’re hosed” sentiment - we want Canadians stories told properly, not Toronto stories told by Torontonians for Torontonians. 🙂 Because nothing says “Toronto” quite like "The Beachcombers " and “Anne of Green Gables”? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2013, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736/515 "2013-03-05T01:05:55Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > Because nothing says “Toronto” quite like "The Beachcombers " and “Anne of Green Gables”? 😃 Torontonians visions of what those regions are like (you can toss “Little Mosque on the Prairie” onto that pile, too). 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2013, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736/516 "2013-03-05T14:08:25Z")
A lot of good films come out of [Quebec](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinema_of_Quebec). ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2013, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736/517 "2013-03-05T14:15:40Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Torontonians visions of what those regions are like (you can toss “Little Mosque on the Prairie” onto that pile, too). 🙂 A series about some guys scavaging logs in British Columbia, a little girl growing up in PEI, or some Muslims living in a small town in Alberta? Toronto is an awfully big place, to manage to live rent-free in so very many locations. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2013, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736/518 "2013-03-05T15:04:19Z")
> [@Dread\_Pirate\_Jimbo](#): > > As to “Passchendaele,” while its $20 million budget was huge for a Canadian production, it really is peanuts compared to a major motion picture release where that’ll barely cover the salaries for the cast. If we want to do it up right, we have to find some serious funding. Producers will step up if the talent is there. In the case of Passchendaele, it wasn’t. Paul Gross was fun as the Mountie on Due South, but he is an actor of limited range and a director of limited skill. He tried to do everything himself, a process that almost never works no matter how much money you had. For big budget proof of the same phenomenon, see the Star Wars prequels, or most of M. Night Shyalaman’s latest work. And anyway, you don’t NEED huge amounts of money to make an excellent or provocative film. Hollywood’s famously wasteful, and many films’ budgets are bulged up by the cost of the stars, but even then many successful films are made for reasonable budgets. “Silver Linings Playbook” won the people’s choice award at TIFF, won one Oscar and maybe two, I don’t remember, and was the first film in 31 years to have a performer nominated in all four acting categories, and it cost the same as “Passchendaele.” Almost all Coen Brothers films are cheap and almost all make money. It doesn’t take a hundred million dollars to make a first rate movie. As for the notion that you need Canadian actors to tell the stories, allow me to retort; Daniel Day-Lewis is English. ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2013, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736/519 "2013-03-05T19:31:21Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > And anyway, you don’t NEED huge amounts of money to make an excellent or provocative film. Hollywood’s famously wasteful, and many films’ budgets are bulged up by the cost of the stars, but even then many successful films are made for reasonable budgets. “Silver Linings Playbook” won the people’s choice award at TIFF, won one Oscar and maybe two, I don’t remember, and was the first film in 31 years to have a performer nominated in all four acting categories, and it cost the same as “Passchendaele.” Almost all Coen Brothers films are cheap and almost all make money. It doesn’t take a hundred million dollars to make a first rate movie. > > As for the notion that you need Canadian actors to tell the stories, allow me to retort; Daniel Day-Lewis is English. **Rick** makes a good point here. I’ll add that it seems to me that a lot of the big-budget blockbusters spend a lot on special effects in addition to stars’ salaries. But not all stories require the kind of effects that cost so much. A good story, well told, will always find an audience; regardless of who stars in it, or how much was spent. But it needs to be a _good_ story; one that captures and engages the viewer, and doesn’t force him or her to think too much during the picture (after is fine, but not during). For the broadest possible appeal, I’d suggest that any messages or agendas should be as general as possible (e.g. “War is hell,” or “Crime doesn’t pay”), and films should not go out of their way–as many Canadian movies and TV productions do–to include tangential references to Canadian things that don’t matter to the story. _Meatballs_ was an extremely successful Canadian production (cost $1.6M, revenue $43M, [cite](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meatballs_%28film%29)). But while Canadian, it did not go out of its way to remind the viewer that it was Canadian–_Meatballs_ was set at a generic summer camp where the kids did not talk about the Leafs’ chances next season or how they hoped to go to North Toronto Collegiate for high school. But it was a good underdog story, that could engage and entertain viewers of all nationalities; and did not go overboard on stars’ salaries or special effects. There must be others, but _Meatballs_ was the first to come to mind. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2013, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736/520 "2013-03-05T19:40:12Z")
> [@Spoons](#): > > **Rick** makes a good point here. I’ll add that it seems to me that a lot of the big-budget blockbusters spend a lot on special effects in addition to stars’ salaries. But not all stories require the kind of effects that cost so much. A good story, well told, will always find an audience; regardless of who stars in it, or how much was spent. > > But it needs to be a _good_ story; one that captures and engages the viewer, and doesn’t force him or her to think too much during the picture (after is fine, but not during). For the broadest possible appeal, I’d suggest that any messages or agendas should be as general as possible (e.g. “War is hell,” or “Crime doesn’t pay”), and films should not go out of their way–as many Canadian movies and TV productions do–to include tangential references to Canadian things that don’t matter to the story. _Meatballs_ was an extremely successful Canadian production (cost $1.6M, revenue $43M, [cite](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meatballs_%28film%29)). But while Canadian, it did not go out of its way to remind the viewer that it was Canadian–_Meatballs_ was set at a generic summer camp where the kids did not talk about the Leafs’ chances next season or how they hoped to go to North Toronto Collegiate for high school. But it was a good underdog story, that could engage and entertain viewers of all nationalities; and did not go overboard on stars’ salaries or special effects. > > There must be others, but _Meatballs_ was the first to come to mind. It was filmed at Camp White Pine. I was there as a kid while it was filmed. In fact, I was payed $1 as an extra. 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736.md?page=25) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-canadoper-cafe-2013-edition/645736.md?page=27)