# The captain had a steamboat... lyrics **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 7, 2007, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-captain-had-a-steamboat-lyrics/386998 "2007-01-07T00:35:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2007, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-captain-had-a-steamboat-lyrics/386998/1 "2007-01-07T00:35:13Z")
OK- help. I need help with the complete lyrics of particular version of the children’s rhyme that begins: "The captain had a steamboat The steamboat had a bell The steamboat went to heaven The captain went to… Hello operator give me number nine If you disconnect me, give me back my dime. Two old ladies sitting in a ditch One said to the other “you dirty son of a” Beech-nut chewing gum Seven sticks to a pack…" And that’s where I fail. I’ve Googled the lyrics and found all sots of variants, but not this particular one- (or something close???) So anyone grow up in Western NY in the mid to late '70s and can help me out??? My children’s education depends on all of you. 🆒 Thanks!!! ---
**Author:** ![samclem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9a28c/32.png) [@samclem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/samclem)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2007, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-captain-had-a-steamboat-lyrics/386998/2 "2007-01-07T00:39:23Z")
Search for “steamboat/bell/heaven” and you’ll find more than a few past threads. Maybe this one has some info. [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=304161&highlight=steamboat+heaven+bell](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=304161&highlight=steamboat+heaven+bell) ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2007, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-captain-had-a-steamboat-lyrics/386998/3 "2007-01-07T00:41:47Z")
[QUOTE=samclem] Search for “steamboat/bell/heaven” and you’ll find more than a few past threads. Maybe this one has some info. [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=304161&highlight=steamboat+heaven+bell](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=304161&highlight=steamboat+heaven+bell) [/QUOTE] Unfortunately those threads don’t have the version I’m looking for. Apparently we sang some totally rare version that no one seems to know. Thanks anyway! I’ll keep searching… ---
**Author:** ![The\_Punkyova](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@The\_Punkyova](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Punkyova)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2007, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-captain-had-a-steamboat-lyrics/386998/4 "2007-01-07T03:56:45Z")
Miss Lucy had a steamboat The steamboat had a bell, Miss Lucy went to heaven, The steamboat went to… Hello operator, Give me number nine, If you disconnect me, I’ll kick you in your… Behind the 'frigerator, There was a piece of glass, Miss Lucy slipped upon it And bruised her little… Ask me no more questions, Tell me no more lies, The cows are in the pasture, Making chocolate pies. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2007, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-captain-had-a-steamboat-lyrics/386998/5 "2007-01-07T04:02:33Z")
[QUOTE=The Punkyova] Miss Lucy had a steamboat The steamboat had a bell, Miss Lucy went to heaven, The steamboat went to… Hello operator, Give me number nine, If you disconnect me, I’ll kick you in your… Behind the 'frigerator, There was a piece of glass, Miss Lucy slipped upon it And bruised her little… [/QUOTE] That one does have a different ending from others I’ve seen, but still isn’t quite the one I remember from the old days. Sigh. ---
**Author:** ![randwill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a3d4f5/32.png) [@randwill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/randwill)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2007, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-captain-had-a-steamboat-lyrics/386998/6 "2007-01-07T17:43:20Z")
I my neighborhood in the early 60’s the ending substituted “Little Mary” for “Miss Lucy” in the third verse and the last verse was: Ask me no more questions, Tell me no more lies, That’s what Mary told me Just before she died. Considering that this is something that was passed from one 6, 7, or 8 year-old to another, I’d be surprised if there was any one “official” version. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2007, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-captain-had-a-steamboat-lyrics/386998/7 "2007-01-07T20:14:26Z")
[QUOTE=randwill] Considering that this is something that was passed from one 6, 7, or 8 year-old to another, I’d be surprised if there was any one “official” version. [/QUOTE] You are right about that- I’m trying to get a hold of the version I remember from when I was little- it’s amazing how many versions there are! I was hoping someone knew the version I remembered, but I’m getting discouraged! Oh, well! ---
**Author:** ![Chanteuse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de053/32.png) [@Chanteuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chanteuse)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2007, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-captain-had-a-steamboat-lyrics/386998/8 "2007-01-07T20:17:20Z")
[QUOTE=The Punkyova] Miss Lucy had a steamboat The steamboat had a bell, Miss Lucy went to heaven, The steamboat went to… Hello operator, Give me number nine, If you disconnect me, I’ll kick you in your… Behind the 'frigerator, There was a piece of glass, Miss Lucy slipped upon it And bruised her little… Ask me no more questions, Tell me no more lies, The cows are in the pasture, Making chocolate pies. [/QUOTE] To which we added (spoken): Mmm, boy, Almond Joy! Love those tasty Mounds! ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2007, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-captain-had-a-steamboat-lyrics/386998/9 "2007-01-07T22:12:13Z")
Here’s the version I learned: Miss Mary had a steamboat, The steamboat had a bell, The steamboat went to heaven And Miss Mary went to Hello operator, Please give me number nine, And if they do not answer, I’ll show you my Behind the 'frigerator There was a piece of glass, Miss Suzie sat upon it And she cut her big fat Ask me no more questions, I’ll tell you no more lies, The boys are in the bathroom And they’re zipping down their Flies are in the city, The bees are in the park, The boys and girls are kissing in the d-a-r-k DARK! Boy, we were easily amused. ---
**Author:** ![randwill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a3d4f5/32.png) [@randwill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/randwill)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2007, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-captain-had-a-steamboat-lyrics/386998/10 "2007-01-07T23:13:56Z")
I just remembered the little coda we recited at the end of our version; “Everybody’s doin’ it, doin’ it, doin’ it, Pickin’ their noise and chewin’ it, chewin’ it, Some people think it’s candy, But it’s not.” You know, “it’s not” = “snot”. Oh, what talented little wits we were. ---
**Author:** ![Subway\_Prophet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecb155/32.png) [@Subway\_Prophet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Subway_Prophet)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2007, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-captain-had-a-steamboat-lyrics/386998/11 "2007-01-07T23:25:51Z")
[QUOTE=Scarlett67] Here’s the version I learned: Miss Mary had a steamboat, The steamboat had a bell, The steamboat went to heaven And Miss Mary went to Hello operator, Please give me number nine, And if they do not answer, I’ll show you my Behind the 'frigerator There was a piece of glass, Miss Suzie sat upon it And she cut her big fat Ask me no more questions, I’ll tell you no more lies, The boys are in the bathroom And they’re zipping down their Flies are in the city, The bees are in the park, The boys and girls are kissing in the d-a-r-k DARK! Boy, we were easily amused. [/QUOTE] This is basically the version we sang when I was a kid. For some reason, I have this wild belief that this music was used in some Loony Tunes cartoons as incidental music. I have no evidence with which to back this up. ---
**Author:** ![Governor\_Quinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d26b3c/32.png) [@Governor\_Quinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Governor_Quinn)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2007, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-captain-had-a-steamboat-lyrics/386998/12 "2007-01-07T23:43:15Z")
The version of this number common in my part of the world growing up: Miss Susie had a steamboat The steamboat had a bell (doot, doot) Miss Susie went to heaven The steamboat went to… Hello operator Please give me number nine and if you disconnect me I’ll chop off your… Behind the 'frigerator There was a piece of glass Miss Susie upon it And broke her little… Ask me no more questions I’ll tell you no more lies The boys are in the bathroom Zipping up their… Flies are in the meadow Bees are in the park Miss Susie and her boyfriend Are kissing in the D-A-R-K The D-A-R-K Dark Dark Dark! The dark is like a movie A movie’s like a show A show is like a TV show And that is all I know I know, I know my pa I know, I know my ma I know, I know my sister With the eighteen-meter bra Damned if I know why I’ve retained all of this. ---
**Author:** ![randwill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a3d4f5/32.png) [@randwill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/randwill)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2007, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-captain-had-a-steamboat-lyrics/386998/13 "2007-01-08T00:17:31Z")
[QUOTE=Governor Quinn] Damned if I know why I’ve retained all of this. [/QUOTE] Probably because you learned it when you were in the single digits. It would take me a while if I had to learn it today and I’d have forgotten it in a few months! ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2007, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-captain-had-a-steamboat-lyrics/386998/14 "2007-01-08T01:02:41Z")
The version I knew ended after “ask me no more questions, I’ll tell you no more lies” with: “But if you sit in a bucket of shit be sure to close your eyes!” ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2007, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-captain-had-a-steamboat-lyrics/386998/15 "2007-01-08T02:07:16Z")
Well, I remember: "Miss Lucy had a baby, She named him Tiny Tim She put him in the pisspot To see if he could swim. He swam to the bottom He swam to the top She reached in to pull him out and grabbed him by his… Cocktails, ginger ale Five cents a glass And if you don’t like it You can shove it up your . . . Ask me no more questions I’ll tell you no more lies A man got hit with a bag of shit Right between the eyes!"