# The Charmin Bears have no nostrils **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 7, 2020, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-charmin-bears-have-no-nostrils/851251 "2020-04-07T04:07:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Banksiaman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/banksiaman/32/3334_2.png) [@Banksiaman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Banksiaman)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2020, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-charmin-bears-have-no-nostrils/851251/21 "2020-04-07T07:17:15Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > Pretty dammed terrible, if you ask me. Thank you **Cochrane**. The other contributors to this thread should be ashamed of themselves for not going for this absolute gift until Post 20 ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2020, 7:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-charmin-bears-have-no-nostrils/851251/22 "2020-04-07T07:31:10Z")
> [@Tibby](#): > > No TP shortage at my house. Sure, I’m running out of $20 bills, but I got lots of hundreds. I still think old phone books is an inspired TP repurpose. I’m happy I stole all those from hotel rooms. (Hush, I left the Gideon bibles) (;)) ---
**Author:** ![Tibby](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tibby/32/17030_2.png) [@Tibby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tibby)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2020, 10:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-charmin-bears-have-no-nostrils/851251/23 "2020-04-07T10:10:51Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > \ > (Hush, I left the Gideon bibles) (;)) Good idea. You don’t to incur the wrath of God in that part of your body. Defecating frogs, locusts, livestock and fiery hail is quite painful…not to mention embarrassing. I learned that the hard way. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Yorkshire\_Pudding](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/59ef9b/32.png) [@Yorkshire\_Pudding](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yorkshire_Pudding)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2020, 10:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-charmin-bears-have-no-nostrils/851251/24 "2020-04-07T10:55:22Z")
Now…I apologise for my digression, but do Charmin ads in your part of the world feature the bears singing a “Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch… Charminnn!” jingle? Because they do in mine. And when you’ve worked in the outdoor industry and been a silly bugger as long as I have, it only takes one incidence of holding up a GPS and singing “G-G-G-G… Garminnn!” for it to be irrevocably stuck in your head and prone to recurrence every time you see one. And I own one. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2020, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-charmin-bears-have-no-nostrils/851251/25 "2020-04-07T11:29:35Z")
> [@Dag\_Otto](#): > > Try the badger. Plenty of those around. I scored a 30 pack at Costco. I don’t need no stinkin’ badgers. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2020, 12:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-charmin-bears-have-no-nostrils/851251/26 "2020-04-07T12:22:49Z")
> [@Dag\_Otto](#): > > Try the badger. Plenty of those around. Not the honey badger. They don’t give a shit and they won’t take any either. ---
**Author:** ![GaryM](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/garym/32/241_2.png) [@GaryM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GaryM)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2020, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-charmin-bears-have-no-nostrils/851251/27 "2020-04-07T13:29:29Z")
Ferrets are great for wiping your butt. Nice small head and a bit of a tail to hold on to as well. Tried a weasel the other day, but they are not as compliant as ferrets. Possums might work, but they tend to hiss a lot and the hairless tail is kind of off putting. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2020, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-charmin-bears-have-no-nostrils/851251/28 "2020-04-07T13:41:46Z")
> [@](#): > > Afterwards I wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock, with a pullet, with a calf’s skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, with an attorney’s bag, with a montero, with a coif, with a falconer’s lure. But, to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains. And think not that the felicity of the heroes and demigods in the Elysian fields consisteth either in their asphodel, ambrosia, or nectar, as our old women here used to say; but in this, according to my judgment, that they wipe their tails with the neck of a goose, holding her head betwixt their legs, and such is the opinion of Master John of Scotland, alias Scotus. François Rabelais, quoted [here](https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Gargantua/Chapter_XIII). ---
**Author:** ![ftg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ftg/32/2801_2.png) [@ftg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ftg)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2020, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-charmin-bears-have-no-nostrils/851251/29 "2020-04-07T13:44:25Z")
> [@Dag\_Otto](#): > > Try the badger. Plenty of those around. Seriously, badgers are bad enough, who wants any smelly ones? Or … We don’t need no stinkin’ badgers. Wolverines! Anyway: OTOH [Daffy Duck](https://media1.giphy.com/media/IdcPofFGvr8pW/source.gif) and [Donald Duck](http://www.jewellery-perspectives.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/DONALDS_GOLD_MINE.png) have teeth at times. It all balances out. ---
**Author:** ![racer72](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/racer72/32/3075_2.png) [@racer72](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racer72)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2020, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-charmin-bears-have-no-nostrils/851251/30 "2020-04-07T13:50:08Z")
It is not recommended to use gerbils. These [2 guys](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTrOb8zyrZk) found out the hard way. (Note: audio clip may be NSFW) ---
**Author:** ![spifflog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@spifflog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spifflog)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2020, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-charmin-bears-have-no-nostrils/851251/31 "2020-04-07T15:09:39Z")
> [@Dag\_Otto](#): > > Try the badger. Plenty of those around. Make sure it’s not the **honey** badger though. They are as amiable to the task for some reason. And you don’t want a pissed off honey badger around boys and girls. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2020, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-charmin-bears-have-no-nostrils/851251/32 "2020-04-07T16:25:01Z")
> [@racer72](#): > > It is not recommended to use gerbils. These [2 guys](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTrOb8zyrZk) found out the hard way. (Note: audio clip may be NSFW) \*A great adventure is waiting for you ahead. Hurry onward Lemmiwinks, for you will soon be dead. The journey before you may be long and filled with woe. But you must escape the gay man’s ass, or your tale can’t be told. Lemmiwinks, Lemmiwinks, Lemmiwinks, Lemmiwinks!\* ---
**Author:** ![swampspruce](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampspruce/32/261_2.png) [@swampspruce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampspruce)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2020, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-charmin-bears-have-no-nostrils/851251/33 "2020-04-07T16:44:14Z")
I can say with some authority that substituting Lagomorphs for Mustelids is just asking for heartache. Not to mention using the stripy versions may cause more smell than it solves. You want a great substitute for rabbits, go with a Pika. They squeak when they’re at capacity! ---
**Author:** ![txjim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f07891/32.png) [@txjim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/txjim)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2020, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-charmin-bears-have-no-nostrils/851251/34 "2020-04-07T16:45:28Z")
We tried to save money by purchasing the porcupine 4 pack. Not recommended. ---
**Author:** ![Limmin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f04885/32.png) [@Limmin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Limmin)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2020, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-charmin-bears-have-no-nostrils/851251/35 "2020-04-07T16:45:37Z")
This thread reminds me. Years ago, Billy Idol song, “Eyes without a face…” In my idle musings I turned things around, to “Nostrils without a nose…” Of course that’s wrong, but sounds better than “Nose without nostrils…” Which brings us to OP’s thread title. ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2020, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-charmin-bears-have-no-nostrils/851251/36 "2020-04-07T17:55:44Z")
The 1% have bought up all the mink :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2020, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-charmin-bears-have-no-nostrils/851251/37 "2020-04-08T01:49:46Z")
> [@RioRico](#): > > Hey old dopers, recall the sad days of pay toilets? We need a coin-op door for the porch so we can collect from the next bear. Fergit the coin-op toilets. That’s so 20th century. Now, the TP dispensers are all coin-op. 35¢ for 3 squares (well, two weeks ago anyway), exact change required. And they have security guards at the door to prevent anyone from bringing their own. ---
**Author:** ![RioRico](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f04885/32.png) [@RioRico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RioRico)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2020, 5:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-charmin-bears-have-no-nostrils/851251/38 "2020-04-08T05:45:51Z")
> [@Senegoid](#): > > Fergit the coin-op toilets. That’s so 20th century. Now, the TP dispensers are all coin-op. 35¢ for 3 squares (well, two weeks ago anyway), exact change required. And they have security guards at the door to prevent anyone from bringing their own. You likely know this one: Here I sit, broken-hearted; Paid to shit and only farted. No refunds, darn. I’m way behind on modern culture so I don’t know if plastic bear squeeze bottles are available now. I’ve seen cheap addons that turn a squeeze bottle into a handheld bidet. That will solve several problems. 1) Sanitation. 2) Recycling. 3) Entertainment. ---
**Author:** ![Simmerdown](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/simmerdown/32/14859_2.png) [@Simmerdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simmerdown)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2020, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-charmin-bears-have-no-nostrils/851251/39 "2020-04-08T05:54:17Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > I’m going big. A Bidet Llama. They spit. So relaxing and cleaner. > > If Amazon would just deliver mine, I’ll be all set. Customers who bought this also bought: Camels Spitting Cobras Archerfish Scorpion Flies Spittle Bugs Walruses ---
**Author:** ![Simmerdown](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/simmerdown/32/14859_2.png) [@Simmerdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simmerdown)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2020, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-charmin-bears-have-no-nostrils/851251/40 "2020-04-08T06:04:01Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > Finally, the Question of The Ages has been answered. But the Pope’s hat is still pretty funny. > > Teddy The Dog got one today. Managed to eat the top half before I could get it away from him. Looking forward to cleaning up puked bunny head in the morning. > > Dogs are nasty! Teddy Salad? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-charmin-bears-have-no-nostrils/851251.md?page=1)