# The Critics Speak **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 10, 2007, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420 "2007-01-10T16:37:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![MadTheSwine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MadTheSwine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MadTheSwine)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2007, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/1 "2007-01-10T16:37:21Z")
Share funny reviews that you have seen of movies, books,plays,music or anything else.Here are a couple to get us going. On _Scarlett_,the sequel to _Gone With the Wind_ : “The good news: it could have been a whole lot worse. The bad news: it’s awful anyway”-Jonathan Yardley in Washington _Post_. On a Preakness Stakes entrant: “If paul Revere had ridden this horse,we’d still be under British rule.”-Mary Hopkins in _Daily Racing Form_ On Spinal Tap’s _Shark Sandwhich_ : “Shit Sandwhich” ---
**Author:** ![MadTheSwine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MadTheSwine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MadTheSwine)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2007, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/2 "2007-01-10T17:17:53Z")
I meant to put this in CS if someone wants to put it over there. ---
**Author:** ![fluiddruid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c2a13f/32.png) [@fluiddruid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fluiddruid)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2007, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/3 "2007-01-10T23:14:42Z")
Sure thing. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_Draper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Don\_Draper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_Draper)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2007, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/4 "2007-01-10T23:31:06Z")
I always liked Roger Ebert’s snarky pan of the fourth ‘Alien’ film, with this particulary shrewd incite - > [@](#): > > These aliens have a lot of stuff in their mouths; not only the tongue and their famous teeth, but another little head on a stalk, with smaller teeth. Still to be determined is whether the littler head has a still tinier head inside of it, and so on. Like the bugs in “Starship Troopers,” these aliens are an example of specialization. They have evolved over the eons into creatures adapted for one purpose only: To star in horror movies. You can read the rest of the review [here](http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/19971126/REVIEWS/711260301/1023). It’s actually more entertaining than watching the film. ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2007, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/5 "2007-01-10T23:40:02Z")
J.D. Considine’s appraisal of the Swans’ body of work in the \*Rolling Stone Album Guide \* always makes me chuckle. The albums _Greed_ and _Holy Money_ are described as being “so slow and bassy that the vinyl versions almost have to beg the listener not to switch the speed to 45.” The song “A Screw (Holy Money)” sounds like “dance music for the extremely weary.” But he does eventually give the band its props. _The Burning World_, for instance, “picks up the pace from the band’s usual death-march to a tired trot.” ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2007, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/6 "2007-01-10T23:48:32Z")
The [AMG review of Kevin Federline’s _Playing with Fire_](http://www.allmusic.com/cg/amg.dll?p=amg&token=ADFEAEE4781ED948A97520CE992D4DDABD7DF529D64CEE831F29461BDFBA3C54851472F353F28C93FDFB6AB579B0FD2EA45D43D5C0EA51F6DC662D5DF0&sql=10:mi1ibk09fakn~T1) has the best opening I’ve seen in a long time: > [@](#): > > One day, either in this life or the next, Britney Spears will have to atone for unleashing Kevin Federline upon the world. It doesn’t get better than that, but the rest is good. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2007, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/7 "2007-01-11T01:36:48Z")
Dorothy Parker, on Katharine Hepburn’s performance on stage in _The Lake_: “She ran the gamut of emotions from A to B.” ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2007, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/8 "2007-01-11T02:00:37Z")
Ebert had other great points. > [@](#): > > “Battlefield Earth” is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It’s not merely bad; it’s unpleasant in a hostile way. But the ultimate putdown quote was in his original review of “The Brown Bunny.” It’s been pulled from his site (the director recut the film, and Ebert gave the recut version a positive review). But the original quote was: > [@](#): > > I had a colonoscopy once, and they let me watch it on TV. It was more entertaining than The Brown Bunny." ---
**Author:** ![jackelope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@jackelope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackelope)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2007, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/9 "2007-01-11T02:01:03Z")
Ebert’s written a bunch of good ones over the years. Two of my favorites: From his [review of _Jack Frost_](http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/19981211/REVIEWS/812110301/1023): > [@](#): > > The snowman gave me the creeps. Never have I disliked a movie character more. They say state-of-the-art special effects can create the illusion of anything on the screen, and now we have proof: It’s possible for the Jim Henson folks and Industrial Light and Magic to put their heads together and come up with the most repulsive single creature in the history of special effects, and I am not forgetting the Chucky doll or the desert intestine from “Star Wars.” To see the snowman is to dislike the snowman. It doesn’t look like a snowman, anyway. It looks like a cheap snowman suit. When it moves, it doesn’t exactly glide–it walks, but without feet, like it’s creeping on its torso. It has anorexic tree limbs for arms, which spin through 360 degrees when it’s throwing snowballs. It has a big, wide mouth that moves as if masticating Gummi Bears. And it’s this kid’s dad. And his [review of _Heaven’s Prisoners_](http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/19960517/REVIEWS/605170302/1023): > [@](#): > > I will attempt a concise plot summary: Retired rogue cop. Plane crash. Scuba air tanks run dry. Cute little Salvadoran orphan. Bait shop. Drug runner. Furniture stripper. Federal agent. Recovering alcoholic. Bad guy named Bubba Rocque (``One of those guys who was always eating light bulbs and pushing thumb tacks into his kneecaps’‘). Bar named Smilin’ Jack’s. Rainy night massacre. Local Mafia don. Stripper who gets fingers broken, leaves for Key West. Bubba’s wife, nude on balcony. Shoot-out in the French Quarter. Fight on a streetcar. A beating on the bayou. An electrocution in a bathtub. Sex scenes. Revenge scenes. All of this and a scene where a character tastes the ring of moisture left by a cold drink, and identifies who must have been drinking it, even though gin cannot permeate glass and the moisture would have been, according to the best theories of condensation, pure water. “According to the best theories of condensation.” Nice. ---
**Author:** ![Thalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f475e1/32.png) [@Thalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thalion)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2007, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/10 "2007-01-11T05:12:35Z")
My favorite slam review: _Gigli_ is so horrible that I had to go cleanse my palate afterward by watching _Glitter_. There’s a whole page of these [here](http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/gigli/?beg=23&int=25&page=2). ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2007, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/11 "2007-01-11T05:41:31Z")
Leonard Maltin on _Isn’t it Romantic?_ > [@](#): > > “No.” ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2007, 6:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/12 "2007-01-11T06:50:36Z")
The New Yorker had a review of the last of the Star Wars movies (or the third of them, or whatever) that may just have hit me right, but I was in tears. I started losing it when he quoted some of the dialog between Anakin(?) and Padme(?) and lost it entirely when he riffed on the Yoda character’s dialog by saying, “Break me a fucking give.” Um…he didn’t like the movie. ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Sam\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Stone)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2007, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/13 "2007-01-11T07:17:01Z")
Best Review putdown ever, from [Roger Ebert’s review of “North”](http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/19940722/REVIEWS/407220302/1023): > [@](#): > > I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2007, 7:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/14 "2007-01-11T07:34:48Z")
Another Ebert classic, this time regarding [url=[http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051222/REVIEWS/51220004/1023](http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051222/REVIEWS/51220004/1023)]Wolf Creek [/quote] : > [@](#): > > I like horror films. Horror movies, even extreme ones, function primarily by scaring us or intriguing us. Consider “Three … Extremes” recently. “Wolf Creek” is more like the guy at the carnival sideshow who bites off chicken heads. No fun for us, no fun for the guy, no fun for the chicken. In the case of this film, it’s fun for the guy. > […] > The theaters are crowded right now with wonderful, thrilling, funny, warm-hearted, dramatic, artistic, inspiring, entertaining movies. If anyone you know says this is the one they want to see, my advice is: Don’t know that person no more. ---
**Author:** ![Aquila\_Be](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a698b9/32.png) [@Aquila\_Be](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aquila_Be)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2007, 8:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/15 "2007-01-11T08:02:45Z")
A review by TIME magazine (back in the days when they actually did reviews, not puff pieces) on an early Sylvestor Stallone movie where Sly pretends to be a sort of Jimmy Hoffa character running the Federation of Inter-State Truckers - F.I.S.T. TIME started the review with: J.U.N.K. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2007, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/16 "2007-01-11T17:52:13Z")
My favorite Ebert review is for a movie called **Mad Dog Time** : “ **Mad Dog Time** is the first movie I have seen that does not improve upon a blank screen viewed for an equal length of time. It should be cut up to provide free ukulele picks for the poor.” ---
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2007, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/17 "2007-01-11T17:58:01Z")
The one that always amused me, though I don’t remember who was responsible for it, was: _Species_: Feces. ---
**Author:** ![Kizarvexius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/da6949/32.png) [@Kizarvexius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kizarvexius)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2007, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/18 "2007-01-11T18:04:28Z")
Dorothy Parker, under the _nom de plume_ Constant Reader, reviewing A. A. Milne’s _The House At Pooh Corner_: > [@](#): > > . . . And it is that word ‘hummy,’ my darlings, that marks the first place in The House at Pooh Corner at which Tonstant Weader fwowed up. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2007, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/19 "2007-01-11T18:32:18Z")
[QUOTE=winterhawk11] The one that always amused me, though I don’t remember who was responsible for it, was: _Species_: Feces. [/QUOTE] That was topped by a review of **Species II** in Newsday (which rates movies by stars), which said, essentially, that **Species II** was so bad they were giving it no stars and would subtract a star from **Species III** when it was released. ---
**Author:** ![FordPrefect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e99b99/32.png) [@FordPrefect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FordPrefect)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2007, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/20 "2007-01-11T18:33:59Z")
[QUOTE=Thalion] My favorite slam review: _Gigli_ is so horrible that I had to go cleanse my palate afterward by watching _Glitter_. There’s a whole page of these [here](http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/gigli/?beg=23&int=25&page=2). [/QUOTE] I like how this > [@](#): > > …Gigli marks Affleck’s most enjoyable performance outside of a Kevin Smith film… Is considered a positive review 🙂 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420.md?page=2)