# The Critics Speak **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 10, 2007, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420 "2007-01-10T16:37:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2007, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/21 "2007-01-11T18:38:03Z")
A review of a new _Yes_ album, presented here in its entirety: “No.” ---
**Author:** ![waits](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/df788c/32.png) [@waits](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/waits)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2007, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/22 "2007-01-11T20:15:02Z")
The review of Julian Lennon’s second album that appeared in _Musician_ magazine has always stuck with me: “Well, at least he got his father’s nose.” That was the entire review. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_Draper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Don\_Draper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_Draper)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2007, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/23 "2007-01-11T20:18:56Z")
[QUOTE=Thalion] My favorite slam review: _Gigli_ is so horrible that I had to go cleanse my palate afterward by watching _Glitter_. There’s a whole page of these [here](http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/gigli/?beg=23&int=25&page=2). [/QUOTE] My personal favs from that page: > [@](#): > > A rigli, rigli bad movie. > [@](#): > > Rarely has a movie that doesn’t star Madonna achieved such a skin-crawling mixture of deluded preening and bungled humour. Elsewhere, if we’re going to include disc reviews, let me just include the “Musician” magazine review of Sade’s disc _Quicker Than Pride…_: “…Faster than Sominex.” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2007, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/24 "2007-01-11T20:35:46Z")
An old review of a new Men Without Hats album: “_You_ can dance if _you_ want to, but I’ll sit this one out.” ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2007, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/25 "2007-01-11T20:45:07Z")
A gaming site’s review of the _Dungeons and Dragons_ movie was titled, “Dungeons and Dragons Movie Fails Save Against Sucking Ass.” Daniel ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2007, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/26 "2007-01-11T20:47:12Z")
A paraphrase of a review of a World War 1 wargame (I think it may have been called _Guns of August_): – For a long time there have been few quality World War 1 games, as wargames about World War 1 have a tendency to be viewed as slow, static, and boring. _The Guns of August_ does nothing to dispel these preconceptions. ---
**Author:** ![Birdmonster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/71e660/32.png) [@Birdmonster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Birdmonster)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2007, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/27 "2007-01-11T20:50:29Z")
I recall reading a back issue of Rolling Stone my dad had saved merely for a review of a James Taylor live album. The line (quoting from memory): “Listening to James Taylor play the Blues is like watching old people fuck.” I tried to get a cite, but, well, you can imagine the colorful websites Google sent me to. ---
**Author:** ![jackelope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@jackelope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackelope)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2007, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/28 "2007-01-11T22:33:24Z")
A few others I’d forgotten: When The New Yorker reviewed _Mission: Impossible II_, the reviewer mentioned the absurd punctuation of the movie’s tagline, “M:I-2,” and ended the review with “M:I-2 is N:F-ing:G.” And when our local alternative weekly, the [Memphis Flyer](http://www.memphisflyer.com/), reviewed a Nine Inch Nails album about ten years ago, the entire space devoted to the review was full of something like this: > [@](#): > > All angst and no play makes Trent a dull boy. All angst and no play makes Trent a dull boy. All angst and no play makes Trent a dull boy. All angst and no play makes Trent a dull boy. All angst and no play makes Trent a dull boy. All angst and no play makes Trent a dull boy. All angst and no play makes Trent a dull boy. All angst and no play makes Trent a dull boy. All angst and no play makes Trent a dull boy. All angst and no play makes Trent a dull boy. All angst and no play makes Trent a dull boy. All angst and no play makes Trent a dull boy. All angst and no play makes Trent a dull boy. All angst and no play makes Trent a dull boy. All angst and no play makes Trent a dull boy. All angst and no play makes Trent a dull boy. All angst and no play makes Trent a dull boy. All angst and no play makes Trent a dull boy. All angst and no play makes Trent a dull boy. All angst and no play makes Trent a dull boy… ---
**Author:** ![Airblairxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Airblairxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Airblairxxx)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2007, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/29 "2007-01-12T00:19:42Z")
A perhaps apocryphal review of _I am a Camera_ (1955) read entirely as follows: “Me no Leica.” ---
**Author:** ![Morbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morbo/32/389_2.png) [@Morbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morbo)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2007, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/30 "2007-01-12T01:20:24Z")
Some of my favorites from Ebert: [Jaws The Revenge](http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/19870720/REVIEWS/707200301/1023) > [@](#): > > I believe that the shark wants revenge against Mrs. Brody. I do. I really do believe it. After all, her husband was one of the men who hunted this shark and killed it, blowing it to bits. And what shark wouldn’t want revenge against the survivors of the men who killed it? [Food of the Gods](http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/19760803/REVIEWS/608030301/1023) > [@](#): > > “I’ll bet those rats can’t swim,” Marjoe speculates. “When you’re a rat and suddenly you weigh 150 pounds, you got to learn all over again how to swim.” He dashes to his Jeep, races over to the dam, blows it up with two well-placed charges and drives so quickly that he gets back to the house before (a) the floodwaters, and (b) before we ask ourselves what a dam could be holding back on a small island with no apparent heights. [Tai-Pan](http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/19861107/REVIEWS/611070305/1023) > [@](#): > > But who will control Hong Kong? Will it be Dirk Struan, the lusty buccaneer, or Tyler Brock, the sniveling cheat? > \ > Both fathers hope their boys will grow up to inherit Hong Kong, and soon we are on the edge of our seats with suspense over who will prevail: Will it be the two noble heirs to a hero’s blood, or the snot-nose sadist? ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Rieux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@Dr.Rieux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Rieux)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2007, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/31 "2007-01-12T01:39:35Z")
From some rock’n’roll magazine (\*Creem \* or _Circus_) in 1974: The Doobie Brothers’ _What Once Were Vices are Now Bad Habits_–“What once were bad habits are now bad albums.” _Blue Swede_–“The only difference between Blue Swede and a bad nosebleed is that the nosebleed is easier to stop.” Gene Shalit’s review of the movie version of Robin Cook’s _Sphinx_–“Get out the rhyming dictionary.” ---
**Author:** ![MacSpon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@MacSpon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacSpon)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2007, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/32 "2007-01-12T01:43:14Z")
From the _Guardian_ review of Paris Hilton’s album _Paris Hilton_: > [@](#): > > She sings like a woman who has heard of something called singing, can’t be sure of exactly what it might entail, but is fairly certain you do something a bit like this. She sounds both distracted and bored stiff, as if making an album is keeping her from the more serious business of standing around a nightclub in a pair of really enormous sunglasses. > > On _Stars Are Blind_, the combination of tinny cod-reggae and your-call-is-being-held-in-a-queue vocal technique results in something so plasticky, it’s perversely enjoyable. Elsewhere, Hilton’s audible lack of interest torpedoes her own chances. Someone has encouraged her to make erotically charged squeals of affirmation and panting noises, with deleterious results. “Yah! Uh-huh-huh! Yah!” she huffs, like a Sloane Ranger having an asthma attack. > > Listening to her sing Rod Stewart’s _Do Ya Think I’m Sexy_, you are gripped by the fear that civilisation as we know it is doomed and that brimstone is going to start raining from the sky any minute. It doesn’t, but a sense of terrible foreboding is further stoked by the sleeve notes, which make reference to “all my albums to come”. You might call that another example of the sheer force of will that has got Hilton so far in so many improbable careers, but on the basis of the 11 tracks here, it sounds more like a threat. Full review [here](http://arts.guardian.co.uk/filmandmusic/story/0,,1841197,00.html). ---
**Author:** ![Cunctator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/43a26b/32.png) [@Cunctator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cunctator)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2007, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/33 "2007-01-12T01:46:03Z")
[QUOTE=MacSpon] like a Sloane Ranger having an asthma attack. [/QUOTE] That’s priceless. ---
**Author:** ![Leaper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4bbf92/32.png) [@Leaper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaper)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2007, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/34 "2007-01-12T02:43:26Z")
[QUOTE=Sam Stone] Best Review putdown ever, from [Roger Ebert’s review of “North”](http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/19940722/REVIEWS/407220302/1023): [/QUOTE] A classic, of course. In the Comedy Central Roast of Rob Reiner, Richard Belzer read that section aloud directly to Reiner. Quite a moment. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2007, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/35 "2007-01-12T03:09:17Z")
“It Stinks!” (The Critic) ---
**Author:** ![Jeff\_Lichtman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jeff_lichtman/32/1531_2.png) [@Jeff\_Lichtman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jeff_Lichtman)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2007, 9:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/36 "2007-01-12T09:04:21Z")
Capsule review from TV Guide of the made-for-TV movie _Razorback_: “Arguably the greatest movie ever made about a large, man-eating hog.” ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2007, 9:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/37 "2007-01-12T09:41:05Z")
Epocine Wildblood’s review of _Illuminatus!_: An epic fantasy for paranoids. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2007, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/38 "2007-01-12T13:15:26Z")
[QUOTE=DrDeth] “It Stinks!” (The Critic) [/QUOTE] Yes, yes, everything stinks. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2007, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/39 "2007-01-12T14:48:09Z")
There was a review of one of Ludlum’s Jason Bourne books – It might have been **the Bourne Ultimatum** – that appeared in The Wall Street Journal that was the funniest review I ever read in my life. Unfortunately, I don’t have a copy and can’t link to it. believe the reviewer went on to write for Spy magazine for a time. The review had things in it like “Ludlum uses 17 exclamation points on page 177 and 23 exclamation points on page 200, but that only sets you up for the 34 exclamation points he uses on page 250! They look like this:!!!” Besides that, a friend told me about a review (I have no idea what it was for) that includes my single favorite line from a review: “This Book fills a Much-Needed Gap.” ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2007, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420/40 "2007-01-12T15:25:07Z")
[QUOTE=Tuckerfan] Epocine Wildblood’s review of _Illuminatus!_: An epic fantasy for paranoids. 😃 [/QUOTE] Written by “two nursery Nietzsches.” I just stumbled across that passage this morning. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-critics-speak/387420.md?page=3)