# The curious bitter fruits of online dating **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 31, 2010, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486 "2010-03-31T19:11:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Illuminatiprimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/illuminatiprimus/32/11520_2.png) [@Illuminatiprimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Illuminatiprimus)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486/121 "2010-04-08T21:54:16Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Lol! 😃 > > In case you’re actually crying on the inside, I did read it. But I’d rather make dumb jokes. Can’t talk - I’m still evaluating all the variables to my model that will underpin my substantial (but very catty) response. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486/122 "2010-04-08T22:01:55Z")
Damn… you ARE crying on the inside. ---
**Author:** ![Illuminatiprimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/illuminatiprimus/32/11520_2.png) [@Illuminatiprimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Illuminatiprimus)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486/123 "2010-04-08T22:27:57Z")
Yep - [this is me](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qS7nqwGt4-I) right now. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486/124 "2010-04-08T22:47:00Z")
I KNEW It! ---
**Author:** ![qbadger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/fbc32d/32.png) [@qbadger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/qbadger)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486/125 "2010-04-09T00:09:14Z")
> [@Illuminatiprimus](#): > > snipped Probabilities of the outcomes may have a profound effect over the expected payoff. Extreme and trivial example: the LHC will either destroy the Earth, or it won’t. That clearly doesn’t mean we should interpret it to mean there is 1/2 chance of “success”. This creates difficulties in generalising the best strategy in every case, as the probabilities will vary significantly depending on the circumstances and the two parties involved. ---
**Author:** ![Illuminatiprimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/illuminatiprimus/32/11520_2.png) [@Illuminatiprimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Illuminatiprimus)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 7:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486/126 "2010-04-09T07:45:00Z")
> [@qbadger](#): > > Probabilities of the outcomes may have a profound effect over the expected payoff. Extreme and trivial example: the LHC will either destroy the Earth, or it won’t. That clearly doesn’t mean we should interpret it to mean there is 1/2 chance of “success”. > > This creates difficulties in generalising the best strategy in every case, as the probabilities will vary significantly depending on the circumstances and the two parties involved. See, I told you someone would pull my theory apart. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Irishman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@Irishman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Irishman)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 9:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486/127 "2010-04-09T09:41:19Z")
**neuroman** said: > [@](#): > > It’s a coded signal. I’m getting that. Just hard to break through the code when you don’t have the code book. **you with the face** said: > [@](#): > > So you have to ask yourself: what’s in it for that other person to voluntarily take on this obligation of telling you something that can just as easily be communicated through non-action? You say you can’t take a hint, but why is that _her_ problem? Maybe because I keep calling, so she has to keep avoiding? Maybe because I actually did get her on the phone because I used a different phone to call? Not intentionally, just originally used my cell, then later called from my home landline. Why is it easier to play evasion games when you’ve tried that and it isn’t working? But I’m willing to accept I’m the screwed up one here. Trying to make sense of all this is why I don’t date much. The hassle and frustration wear me out. But I am listening to what you folks are saying. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486/128 "2010-04-09T13:57:07Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > “I’m busy Friday, but maybe we can get together some other time. I’ll have to see, okay? I’m busy and I can’t plan too much far into the future.” > > **Cat’s** point is that noncommittal vagueness is a major clue to key in on. If you can’t tell whether she’s making a effort to meet you halfway, then she probably isn’t. Do you mean that the revised second example would signal interest? If so, how is “but maybe we can get together some other time. I’ll have to see, okay? I’m busy and I can’t plan too much far into the future.” anything but noncommital and vague? Where’s the precision? Where’s the commitment? If you didn’t mean that it signaled interest, never mind. How is Oy’s “Thanks for last night; it would be fun to do it again some time” anything but vague? “something that can just as easily be communicated through non-action” Apprently (and not just in my case), it can’t be communicated as easily. “You say you can’t take a hint, but why is that her problem?” It does seem to be her problem, since she keeps getting bugged by someone she has no interest in. And if you say the opposite of what you mean\*, you don’t get to complain that you’re misunderstood. \*Let’s get together sometime= Let’s not get together some time. ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486/129 "2010-04-09T14:32:12Z")
> [@LurkerInNJ](#): > > If I don’t hear from a man that I am interested in within 2 or 3 days after a first date, I write him off as not interested in me and move on. I wouldn’t be “happy” he “called at all”. Move it or lose it. No, you’re not “writing him off as not interested in you.” You’re trying to compete at a perceived power game with him and “punish” him for not adhering to your timetable. Otherwise, I can’t really believe you would answer a call from someone who you were crazy about and say “Sorry, I wrote you off because you called in 7 days and not 3.” > [@Illuminatiprimus](#): > > 1. You contact them - sooner rather than later > > They are not interested in seeing you again – FAILURE > They are ambivalent in seeing you again but are put off by contact that is seen as premature and therefore lose interest – FAILURE > They are ambivalent in seeing you again but your contact has made them decide to see you again – SUCCESS > They are interested in seeing you again but are put off by contact that is seen as premature and therefore lose interest – FAILURE > They are interested in seeing you again and you contact has made you more desirable to see again – SUCCESS > > Scenario 2 has a 2/5 chance of success Though the attempt is laudable, this kind of analysis is moot; you can’t give these outcomes equal weight, because doing so doesn’t consider the actual odds of success or failure within the variable. For example, you could set up: Scenario 1: Grab the hot girl’s ass at the party She reacts badly - FAILURE She likes it - SUCCESS Scenario 1 has a 1/2 chance of success. Do you see where the logic breaks down? The odds of the two possibilities are not equal. ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486/130 "2010-04-09T14:44:57Z")
Or, what qbadger said. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486/131 "2010-04-09T15:06:42Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > No, you’re not “writing him off as not interested in you.” You’re trying to compete at a perceived power game with him and “punish” him for not adhering to your timetable. Otherwise, I can’t really believe you would answer a call from someone who you were crazy about and say “Sorry, I wrote you off because you called in 7 days and not 3.” I think you hit the nub of it. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486/132 "2010-04-09T15:58:20Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > Do you mean that the revised second example would signal interest? If so, how is “but maybe we can get together some other time. I’ll have to see, okay? I’m busy and I can’t plan too much far into the future.” anything but noncommital and vague? Where’s the precision? Where’s the commitment? If you didn’t mean that it signaled interest, never mind. I meant that it signaled disinterest precisely because it’s vague and noncommittal. > [@](#): > > How is Oy’s “Thanks for last night; it would be fun to do it again some time” anything but vague? That’s vague, but it doesn’t indicate _dis_interest because it sounds like something someone would send in a text shortly after the first date, to encourage planning for another date. Look for noncommittal vagueness _after_ you asked someone out for date, not before. Really, you can’t just look at these things in isolation. And they aren’t rules either. Just guidelines for understanding subtleties in communication. > [@](#): > > “something that can just as easily be communicated through non-action” > Apprently (and not just in my case), it can’t be communicated as easily. Consider that it works most of the time, with most people. It even worked in **Irishman’s** case. Eventually he stopped calling. It just took him a while. > [@](#): > > “You say you can’t take a hint, but why is that her problem?” > It does seem to be her problem, since she keeps getting bugged by someone she has no interest in. It’s only her problem if she feels bugged. Screening calls is relatively easy to do. Sure, after a certain point, she’s will get annoyed. When that point comes, she may snap at you, too, and say some pretty harsh things (“Why did you call me a work? Are you _insane_?”). There’s a price that comes with forcing people out of their comfort zones. Taking a hint saves face for both parties. > [@](#): > > And if you say the opposite of what you mean\*, you don’t get to complain that you’re misunderstood. This thread isn’t about someone complaining about being misunderstood. It’s about guys complaining when they waste time on someone who isn’t interested, when they aren’t receptive to alternate forms of communication. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486/133 "2010-04-09T18:35:35Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > \ > It does seem to be her problem, since she keeps getting bugged by someone she has no interest in. And if you say the opposite of what you mean\*, you don’t get to complain that you’re misunderstood. > > \*Let’s get together sometime= Let’s not get together some time. That’s not quite how it is, though - you’re looking at it as someone saying the opposite of what they mean, and I’m looking at if from the perspective that if a woman says anything except a specific expression of interest, she’s not interested. In other words, she is saying what she means; she’s just not saying it to (generic) _you_. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486/134 "2010-04-09T18:36:46Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > \ > This thread isn’t about someone complaining about being misunderstood. It’s about guys complaining when they waste time on someone who isn’t interested, when they aren’t receptive to alternate forms of communication. I forgot to add that I agree with this - that’s a good way of putting it. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486/135 "2010-04-09T22:39:21Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > In other words, she is saying what she means; she’s just not saying it to (generic) _you_. 🙂 Who is she saying it to? ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486/136 "2010-04-09T22:48:20Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > Who is she saying it to? The Earth Mother. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486/137 "2010-04-09T23:05:09Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > Who is she saying it to? The person that she has agreed to go to a movie with on Saturday. ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486/138 "2010-04-10T14:43:26Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > No, you’re not “writing him off as not interested in you.” You’re trying to compete at a perceived power game with him and “punish” him for not adhering to your timetable. Otherwise, I can’t really believe you would answer a call from someone who you were crazy about and say “Sorry, I wrote you off because you called in 7 days and not 3.” Uh, yes I am “writing him off as not interested” because he really isn’t interested in me or just isn’t interested enough. You’ve infused me with bitterness that I simply don’t have. I don’t have the time or the energy to “punish” men for imaginary slights and get into “power” games. They either have a high level of interest in me that compels them to call and make sure I will be going out with them real soon rather than another man or they don’t. If they don’t have that level of interest in me, no problem. I’ve had enough dating and life experience to know that when a man is really and truly interested in a woman, they make a move. A man either really wants to see you again or he doesn’t. They don’t go home and wait 7 days before they call again unless they were 1) in a coma for 6 of the 7 days, 2) called another woman they were more interested in than me and she is no longer a prospect, 3) wanted to keep looking and keep their options open because something better than me in their eyes might come along, or 4) they were kind of on the fence about me and since they have no plans or their other plans fell through, why not give me a call. It’s like buying shoes. If I see a pair of OMG I have to have these shoes, I try them on. If they fit, I’m snapping them up before someone else does. I’m not going to leave them on the shelf while I browse other shoes for a week and then casually walk by 7 days later and hope they are still available. If I think they are that great, I’m not going to leave their future availability to chance. ---
**Author:** ![ianzin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ed655f/32.png) [@ianzin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ianzin)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486/139 "2010-04-10T20:36:15Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > aif you actually want just an online chat buddy, have at it. It you want something real, **DHMFA** if after… What is ‘DHMFA’ ? Even Google doesn’t know. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486/140 "2010-04-11T16:15:44Z")
> [@ianzin](#): > > What is ‘DHMFA’ ? Even Google doesn’t know. dump her…well you can figure out the rest…and I guess unless she is an incestuous lesbian the MF part techically doesnt make sense. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-curious-bitter-fruits-of-online-dating/534486.md?page=8)