# The Dead Chipmunk MPSIMS Convention! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 19, 2000, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dead-chipmunk-mpsims-convention/29943 "2000-08-19T05:06:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![FreakFreely](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/48db29/32.png) [@FreakFreely](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FreakFreely)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2000, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dead-chipmunk-mpsims-convention/29943/1 "2000-08-19T05:06:10Z")
TDS Evening News Presents: Bill Bullery. **Bill Bullery:** Today will be the beginning of the Radical-Centrist Party’s MPSIMS Convention. We now bring you to the convention floor where political correspondant Aerial Assault is reporting live. **Ariel Assauld:** Uh, thanks Bill. Well, the convention hasn’t even begun yet, but already you can feel the excitement in this crowd. They’ll be starting out the convention a little after mignight with a speech from presidential candidate Dead Chipmunk, which will be followed by a speech at noon from Dead Chipmunk’s campaign representative, Michael F. Freely. During the interim the floor will be open to questions, comments and speeches from anyone who would like to make their views known. This is a revolutionary approach to convention politics, but I’ve been assured by Mr. Freely that this is the last revolutionary thing they’ll ever do. Nobody is sure what Dead Chipmunk stands for, aside from his position on the stick which impales him. Perhaps that’s why this convention is so exciting, it will be the first time that Dead Chipmunk’s goals as president are exposed to the American public. Now, if I’m not mistaken, that’s Dead Chipmunk being carried up to the podium, which means his speech should be starting very soon. So without further ado, this is Ariel Assauld, signing off. **Bill Bullery:** Thanks Aeriel. We now go live to Dead Chipmunk’s speech, already in progress… ---
**Author:** ![FreakFreely](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/48db29/32.png) [@FreakFreely](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FreakFreely)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2000, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dead-chipmunk-mpsims-convention/29943/2 "2000-08-19T05:08:49Z")
**Dead Chipmunk:** … ---
**Author:** ![FreakFreely](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/48db29/32.png) [@FreakFreely](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FreakFreely)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2000, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dead-chipmunk-mpsims-convention/29943/3 "2000-08-19T05:12:52Z")
**Bill Bullery:** And now a discussion on Dead Chipmunk’s speech from political commentators, Jane & Dan. Jane, what is your opinion on the silence made by Dead Chipmunk? **Jane Jemmery:** I think this was truly ground breaking, and the look of astonishment in the faces of the crowd reflects this. I think it was a very strong silence, it showed that he would be a thoughtful leader. It showed a true beauty in it’s contrast to the long and boring speeches made by Al Gore and George W. Bush. It showed- **Dan Denson:** Blah, blah, blah. **Jane Jemmery:** Ummm, as I was saying, it showed that he was prepared to listen to the American people, without so many useless words- **Dan Denson:** As opposed to _your_ words, all of which are useless. **Bill Bullery:** Is there something you’d like to add to her comments? **Dan Denson:** Yes. I’d like to comment that Jane is a f\*\*\*ing idiot and shouldn’t be allowed within five hundred yards of ANY political proceeding. I’d like to say that her very presence in this discussion is hampering the spread of knowledge. I think she should donate her body to the causes of science, to save the lives of all those “poor widdle bunnies” that her bleeding heart so loves. **Jane Jmmery:** Bill, don’t get me started. **Bill Bullery:** Jane, do you have any response to Dan’s comments? **Jane Jemmery:** Yes. I’d just like to say that Dead Chipmunk has really made his mark on the people of America today, not just in their minds, but in their hearts. And I also think that- **Dan Denson:** Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blah, yadda, blah. Why don’t you just crawl into your barren womb, you brain-infested habitat for maggots? **Jane Jennery:** Why don’t you make me? You think I care what you think? Anyway, I think this just goes to show that the American people don’t need politicians, they need true role models. And I think Dead Chipmunk’s silence just goes to show that he can serve as the fatherly figure this nation needs so badly. And furthermore- **Dan Denson:** Jane, you ignorant slut! You’re absolutely wrong because- **Jane Jennery:** You want a piece of me, you flea ridden piece of s **t? I will KICK your MOTHERF** KIN’ ASS, you goddamn crotch-monkey! And another thing, if you EVER peek into my dressing room again, I will stomp your ass so hard the Devil will need sound-proofing! I’ll go off on your a\*\* like a blender/salad-shooter hybrid! I’ll rip your tonsils out through your- **Bill Bullery:** And that’s all the time we have for today. Stay tuned for Michael F. Freely’s follow-up speech at noon. I’m Bill Bullery, and this has been “Your Nation In Our View”. Good night. ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2000, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dead-chipmunk-mpsims-convention/29943/4 "2000-08-19T05:43:20Z")
_wanders in_ Is there where I can get my **Dead Chipmunk 2000** election hat, banner flag and bumper sticker and my **Vote DC** election button? ---
**Author:** ![Monster104](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Monster104](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monster104)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2000, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dead-chipmunk-mpsims-convention/29943/5 "2000-08-19T06:04:11Z")
Long live the dead chipmunk! …wait a second… ---
**Author:** ![FreakFreely](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/48db29/32.png) [@FreakFreely](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FreakFreely)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2000, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dead-chipmunk-mpsims-convention/29943/6 "2000-08-19T06:36:02Z")
And Kat, you’re a volunteer, right? ---
**Author:** ![tiggeril](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tiggeril/32/7234_2.png) [@tiggeril](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiggeril)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2000, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dead-chipmunk-mpsims-convention/29943/7 "2000-08-19T17:03:51Z")
Four more years! Four more years! ::gets pulled aside by Freak:: What? Oh. Chipmunk, Chipmunk, he’s our man! He stinks more than Jane or Dan! ---
**Author:** ![FreakFreely](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/48db29/32.png) [@FreakFreely](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FreakFreely)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2000, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dead-chipmunk-mpsims-convention/29943/8 "2000-08-19T17:07:07Z")
**Bill Bullery:** There were a lot of speeches made today. But many feel that the most notable one will be made by campaign representative Michael F. Freely. He has stated that his main goal will be to try and clear up people’s confusion about Dead Chipmunk’s ideals. The crowd is breathlessly awaiting his speech, which is due to start any second now… ---
**Author:** ![FreakFreely](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/48db29/32.png) [@FreakFreely](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FreakFreely)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2000, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dead-chipmunk-mpsims-convention/29943/9 "2000-08-19T17:09:04Z")
**Michael F. Freely:** There comes a time, in each chipmunk’s life, that he must decide what is to become of his name, and the future of his legacy. Alvin chose to be known as a high-pitched singer. Chip & Dale chose to be known as crime fighters. Whereas those chipmunks from Looney Tunes chose to be known for their Minnesotan attitude, because of which their career has never recovered, and their names go virtually unknown. Dead Chipmunk comes to you now with each of these qualities readied. He’s cute. He’s cuddly. He’s broad-minded. He’s compassionate. He’s on a stick. Clinton built the bridge to the 21st century. But we’re building the toll booth. We’re building the bored attendant. We’re building the disgruntled construction workers. And we aren’t just building the things that build the bridge, we’re helping you cross that bridge. We’re going over the meadow! We’re going through the woods! We’re going all the way to grandmother’s house! With a basket full of conservative change and a red-cloak that has absolutely no connection to the communist party! Gore and Bush may be middle of the road, but Dead Chipmunk has been stuck to the middle of the road since he was run over by the big truck of progress, which was driven by the men and/or women of tomorrow. Dead Chipmunk is the founder of understanding-but-consertative-and-strict-liberalism. Dead Chipmunk understands the importance of family values. Dead Chipmunk understands the importance of apple pie. Dead Chipmunk likes babies. Dead Chipmunk is against murder. Dead Chipmunk believes in progress. Dead Chipmunk believes in old-fashioned values. Dead Chipmunk believes all the things that you believe. Dead Chipmunk’s approach to the issues is exactly the same as yours. Dead Chipmunk’s platform is based on the most powerful of inoffensive issues. When this great country was created, it was created with you in mind. Dead Chipmunk is continuing this legacy. Dead Chipmunk is a strong supporter of the workers who vote for him, and the special interests that fund him. Dead Chipmunk feels your pain. Vote Dead Chipmunk for president, and soon you’ll feel his pain too. ---
**Author:** ![FreakFreely](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/48db29/32.png) [@FreakFreely](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FreakFreely)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2000, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dead-chipmunk-mpsims-convention/29943/10 "2000-08-19T17:35:16Z")
**Bill Bullery:** A moving speech. And now a commentary from our analysts, Jane Jemmery and Dan Denson. Jane? **Jane Jemmery:** … **Bill Bullery:** Dan, would you like to respond to that? **Dan Denson:** Yes. Bill, could you tell Jane I’m not speaking to her? **Jane Jemmery:** Bill, could you tell Dan that I’m not speaking to him either? **Dan Denson:** Bill, tell Jane that I don’t give a flying s\*\*t. **Jane Jemmery:** Bill, tell Dan that’s just fine. **Dan Denson:** Bill, tell Jane I really don’t care what’s fine. **Jane Jemmery:** Bill, tell him that’s great. **Dan Denson:** Bill, tell her that’s just wonderful. **Jane Jemmery:** Fine. **Dan Denson:** Fine. **Jane Jemmery:** … **Dan Denson:** … **Jane Jemmery:** Ahhhh, it’s so good not to hear that blowhole. talking. **Dan Denson:** It’s so nice not to hear her droning. **Jane Jemmery:** Droning? Ha! You should talk! **Dan Denson:** At least I do it better than you! **Jane Jemmery:** Yeah? Well you also suck cock better, you nut-bouncer! **Dan Denson:** Bite me, bitch! **Jane Jemmery:** Ooh, scathing wit! Y’know don’t you take your f\ ***ing s** t and shove it back up your- **Bill Bullery:** And that’s all the time we have for today. I’d like to thank Jane Jemmery and Dan Denson for being with us tonight- **Jane Jemmery:** Soon that cocksucker’s gonna be known as “no longer with us!” **Dan Denson:** Yeah, yeah, yeah. You keep making threats, let’s see you try to back them up! **Jane Jemmery:** Alright, bitch! But it’s gonna be the **last** thing you ever see! **Dan Denson:** Bring it on, you slime sucking cunt! You bitch! You little s- **Bill Bullery:** Thank you for watching “Your Nation In Our View”. This is Bill Bullery, wishing you a good night… Now will you two **please** shut the **FUCK UP!!!** ---
**Author:** ![FreakFreely](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/48db29/32.png) [@FreakFreely](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FreakFreely)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2000, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dead-chipmunk-mpsims-convention/29943/11 "2000-08-19T17:39:37Z")
**Michael F. Freely:** Thank you, thank you. I’d now like to open up the floor to our volunteer-staff and any memebers of the audience. Oh, and by the way, I’d like to remind you all that we _are_ still accepting volunteers. Help your community! Make a difference! Join Dead Chipmunk in his gentle push for moderate liberty! ---
**Author:** ![Gunslinger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/4491bb/32.png) [@Gunslinger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gunslinger)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2000, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dead-chipmunk-mpsims-convention/29943/12 "2000-08-19T18:16:23Z")
Dead Chipmunk shows far more expression than Algore, at least. ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2000, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dead-chipmunk-mpsims-convention/29943/13 "2000-08-19T20:34:36Z")
\ \ \ \ Campaign Staff Disinformation Specialist (and hopeful Minister of Weirdness) Balance is hard at work! ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2000, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dead-chipmunk-mpsims-convention/29943/14 "2000-08-19T22:45:16Z")
:::all heads turn as a woman wearing nothing but a huge rainbow wig and a smile streaks through the convention, stops, faces the camera, and holds up a sign that says…::: CHIPMUNK 3:16! ---
**Author:** ![beakerxf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bc79bd/32.png) [@beakerxf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beakerxf)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2000, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dead-chipmunk-mpsims-convention/29943/15 "2000-08-19T23:03:41Z")
[Outside the convention center…] [A group of protestors hold up signs which say “God Hates Dead Chipmunks” and “Dead Chipmunk: There is a way out!”. Off to the left, PETA activists protest the expolitation of dead chipmunks by corporate owned party politicians. Others protesters line acorns up on the sidewalk, each nut symbolizing a chipmunk killed by a drunk driver. Off to the right, people hold up signs that read “Guns don’t kill chipmunks, cats do.”] [From the front of the crowd, a man in a bunny suit runs up to a police opfficer and shoves a cream pie in his face. No one has any clue what the bunny guy is protesting. Not that it matters anymore because the police force go into full riot prevention mode, spraying the crowd with fire hoses and beating them with batons.] ---
**Author:** ![FreakFreely](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/48db29/32.png) [@FreakFreely](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FreakFreely)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2000, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dead-chipmunk-mpsims-convention/29943/16 "2000-08-20T02:23:54Z")
Persephone: Could you ugly yourself up a bit? We’ve been getting some reports of heart attacks. MysterEcks: Ah, the man in black himself! Could you do me a favor and misinform some of the people outside? That or kill 'em. Y’know, whatever works. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Raven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dbc845/32.png) [@The\_Raven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Raven)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2000, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dead-chipmunk-mpsims-convention/29943/17 "2000-08-20T03:52:14Z")
\ \ Black Clad individual #2: Viva la revolution! BCI #1: What? Hell, I’m just trying to get a \*&$@ DRINK here! (The Raven, who desperately would like an invite to the open bar) ---
**Author:** ![Gunslinger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/4491bb/32.png) [@Gunslinger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gunslinger)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2000, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dead-chipmunk-mpsims-convention/29943/18 "2000-08-20T04:52:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by FreakFreely \* > \*\*That or kill 'em. Y’know, whatever works. \*\* I’ll help! ---
**Author:** ![MysterEcks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@MysterEcks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysterEcks)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2000, 9:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dead-chipmunk-mpsims-convention/29943/19 "2000-08-20T09:46:53Z")
**FreakFreely** said: > [@](#): > > MysterEcks: Ah, the man in black himself! Could you do me a favor and misinform some of the people outside? That or kill 'em. Y’know, whatever works. Oh shit, we have a security breach–someone must have been impersonating me. As Secretary of Defense-designate, I’ll be happy to kill a few people. But misinforming them is somebody else’s department–I don’t wanna step on anyone’s toes here. (I wear size-12s, so it’d hurt.) ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2000, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dead-chipmunk-mpsims-convention/29943/20 "2000-08-21T00:56:18Z")
I work for the federal gummint, so I can’t do anything _too_ public. I’ll be the phone-bank manager, forcing innocent high-school and college volunteers to call total strangers to ask their “opinions” on who they’re going to vote for, and leading them to believe that unless they vote DC, their stock options are gonna be useless, their breath will stink, and they’ll lose what little sex appeal they may have. Robin [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dead-chipmunk-mpsims-convention/29943.md?page=2)