# The death of a friendship. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 16, 2013, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526 "2013-05-16T17:11:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2013, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526/21 "2013-05-16T20:32:42Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Replying to Skald the Ryhmer (who by the way as a poster in general I like) > > Living Well said this: > > " I see the other side as so absolutely wrong that I can’t possibly respect their beliefs nor put them out of my head." > > Can you not see that as a toxic position regarding pretty much any debate? > > And, back to your problem with your friend and views on all things debatable. Can you not see that if either party holds a view like that or if both parties hold a view more like that rather than “lets agree to disagree and talk about something else” that obviously the friendship will die… > > Because, you know, you see each other as mortal enemies or some such? If the disagreement was about taxes or something like that, I could “agree to disagree.” But with some issues I simply can’t do that. Sorry. I have no desire to be friends with those people much less date them. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2013, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526/22 "2013-05-16T20:34:19Z")
Good for you. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2013, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526/23 "2013-05-16T20:44:57Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Replying to Skald the Ryhmer (who by the way as a poster in general I like) > > Living Well said this: > > " I see the other side as so absolutely wrong that I can’t possibly respect their beliefs nor put them out of my head." > > Can you not see that as a toxic position regarding pretty much any debate? > > And, back to your problem with your friend and views on all things debatable. Can you not see that if either party holds a view like that or if both parties hold a view more like that rather than “lets agree to disagree and talk about something else” that obviously the friendship will die… > > Because, you know, you see each other as mortal enemies or some such? billfish, I’m sorry for the tone of my earlier response to you; it wasn’t warranted. It wouldn’t have been warranted even if you had been talking tome rather than to Living Well. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2013, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526/24 "2013-05-16T20:45:23Z")
I’m sorry to hear that, **Skald**. It sounds like the two of you did indeed grow apart in very different ways, and you’ve lost your common ground, and then the friendship. Could you respond to her with something like, “I’m sorry to hear that, Courtney. You have been a very good friend of mine for a very long time, and if you would ever like to re-establish a friendship with me, please know that my door will be open to you”? ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2013, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526/25 "2013-05-16T20:54:49Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > billfish, I’m sorry for the tone of my earlier response to you; it wasn’t warranted. It wouldn’t have been warranted even if you had been talking tome rather than to Living Well. No problem. Thanks for the apology though I think none was needed on your part. It did not piss me off, I just responded to it. Everybody has a bad moment or a bad day. Again, I am actually sorry for your lost friend. But I think my bigger point stands. If you (or the other side or both) insist on total agreement on all issues and or debating them (and getting pissed about disagreeing about them) then everybody is going to be damn angry and lonely ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2013, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526/26 "2013-05-16T20:57:00Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > If you (or the other side or both) insist on total agreement on all issues and or debating them (and getting pissed about disagreeing about them) then everybody is going to be damn angry and lonely ☹ I have plenty of friends and family who share my values and morals. I am not lonely. You are not getting the fact that some people’s beliefs are an integral part of who they are. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2013, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526/27 "2013-05-16T21:05:54Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > No problem. > > Thanks for the apology though I think none was needed on your part. It did not piss me off, I just responded to it. Everybody has a bad moment or a bad day. > > Again, I am actually sorry for your lost friend. But I think my bigger point stands. If you (or the other side or both) insist on total agreement on all issues and or debating them (and getting pissed about disagreeing about them) then everybody is going to be damn angry and lonely ☹ I don’t insist that my friends agree with me on every issue. That’d be kind of boring, actually. I have friends who are for and against the death penalty; I have Republican and Democratic and Libertarian friends; I even know a lesbian Buddhist who is very strongly anti-abortion whom I consider a friend. And, as I wrote in the OP, I don’t think it’s all about politics anyway. We’d stopped discussing it years ago, and the last few times we visited one another were able to get along fine. It’s something else – what,I do not know. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2013, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526/28 "2013-05-16T21:12:13Z")
People having divergent political and/or religious beliefs - I’m OK with that. Personal attacks against people who disagree with them are another story. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2013, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526/29 "2013-05-16T21:24:56Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > And, as I wrote in the OP, I don’t think it’s all about politics anyway. We’d stopped discussing it years ago, and the last few times we visited one another were able to get along fine. It’s something else – what,I do not know. Well, if that’s the case then my condolences. These things do get complicated ☹ Again, I do appreciate the apology even if it wasn’t needed IMO. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2013, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526/30 "2013-05-16T23:36:29Z")
I’ve lost a few good friends over the years, over various things. The best thing you can do is to focus on the good friends do have instead of agonizing over the ones you don’t. Friendships shouldn’t be that much work. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2013, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526/31 "2013-05-16T23:40:54Z")
“friends” aren’t worth the effort. IME they’re just people who haven’t thrown you under a bus yet. ---
**Author:** ![Gagundathar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a183cd/32.png) [@Gagundathar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gagundathar)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2013, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526/32 "2013-05-16T23:54:24Z")
**Skald** , I feel your pain having shared a similar breakup or two myself. But, as you said, you are quite a fortunate man, so I’m not going to weep too much for you. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2013, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526/33 "2013-05-17T00:43:36Z")
> [@jz78817](#): > > “friends” aren’t worth the effort. IME they’re just people who haven’t thrown you under a bus yet. “And this year’s cynicism award goes to… Jz78817.” Holy cow. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2013, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526/34 "2013-05-17T00:45:46Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > “And this year’s cynicism award goes to… Jz78817.” > > Holy cow. {Looks for the “favorite” button.} ---
**Author:** ![sisu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@sisu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sisu)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2013, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526/35 "2013-05-17T01:33:49Z")
people change and drift apart, this is normal and although it hurts it’s time to let go and enjoy what you do have. Relationships are just a sum of the shared experiences we have, as we move apart these don’t happen at the same frequency and as such they can peter out. ---
**Author:** ![thirdwarning](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecccb3/32.png) [@thirdwarning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thirdwarning)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2013, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526/36 "2013-05-17T05:11:09Z")
I’m sorry you’re hurting, **Skald**. I don’t know if it would be easier if you knew what happened, but it might be more complicated than even she knows. It was good when it was good, and sometimes that’s the best you can hope for. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2013, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526/37 "2013-05-17T05:21:38Z")
Skald, your story is heartbreaking. I love unique friendships. One time, someone said to me, “friendship is the highest honor”. At the time he said it, I didn’t understand him, but I learned later how deep that statement was. I have a story to tell about losing a friend. If you give me permission to share your thread, I will tell it. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2013, 7:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526/38 "2013-05-17T07:37:19Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Could you respond to her with something like, “I’m sorry to hear that, Courtney. You have been a very good friend of mine for a very long time, and if you would ever like to re-establish a friendship with me, please know that my door will be open to you”? This. It sounds like you need some kind of closure (I hate that word), just an opportunity to . . . well, it’s kind of like she slammed a door in your face, and you need to open it again and gently close it, with a sense of finality. And you have so many blessings in your life. Hold them close and cherish them. ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2013, 10:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526/39 "2013-05-17T10:05:54Z")
You obviously were not that great friends as you thought. Or you are too political for your own good. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2013, 10:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526/40 "2013-05-17T10:23:52Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Could you respond to her with something like, “I’m sorry to hear that, Courtney. You have been a very good friend of mine for a very long time, and if you would ever like to re-establish a friendship with me, please know that my door will be open to you”? I think that’s a great idea. And I’m really sorry for your friendship loss, that’s a really sad story. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-death-of-a-friendship/658526.md?page=3)