# the decision not to have children. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 22, 2004, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516 "2004-10-22T00:09:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![tremorviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47774/32.png) [@tremorviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tremorviolet)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2004, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516/41 "2004-10-22T02:54:30Z")
> [@Live Better Electrically!](#): > > I agree that people who would hate their own children should absolutely not have children. This is where my suspicion comes in. If a person never wants to have children (notice I didn’t say never _has_ children, but never _wants_ to), and says that they would hate their own children, what kind of person is that? I don’t know, and it makes me wonder. This is IMHO, after all, and I think it’s reasonable to wonder. Even when I definitely did not want to have kids, I knew I would love my children if I had any. But it’s not that simple, that either you have kids or you hate them. I know if I had kids I’d probably love them and I’ve been told by several people I’d be a pretty good mom. If I had even gotten pregnant accidentally, it’s a tough call whether I would have kept the baby or not. Probably would have. I also coach middle school and high school kids so I’m around kids a lot. And it’s fun. But, I don’t particularly want kids and I don’t feel I need them to make my life complete. And I firmly believe that unless you _really_ consciously want kids, you shouldn’t have them. Not have them and see if you like them. Not have them because that’s what your parents want you to do. You _personally_ need to want kids. ---
**Author:** ![Lucretia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/13edae/32.png) [@Lucretia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucretia)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2004, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516/42 "2004-10-22T02:56:56Z")
> [@C3](#): > > Can I just chime in here and say that you don’t have to be “maternal” or go all gooshy over ever kid who walks into the room to be a good mother. I don’t particularly like other people’s kids. I mean, they’re okay and all, but just the fact that they’re kids doesn’t make me like them. Babies - eh. I don’t particularly want to hold or coo and cuddle over random babies. > > I do, however, absolutely adore my own child (even though he did just now try to hand me a soggy piece of ketchup-covered bread). I’m not a “mommy”-type, but I think I’m a pretty good mom. > > Anway, I agree with others who say it sounds like you’re not quite sure right now. That’s okay. Don’t make any promises and if it turns out you never want kids, that’s fine, too. I’ll actually go one better here, and say that I usually actively dislike other people’s children. Have ever since I stopped being a child myself. However, the fierceness of the love I feel for my own children amazes me sometimes. I’ve honestly never understood the “Oh no, summer vacation” sentiments I’ve heard from other parents, because I really enjoy being with my kids. ---
**Author:** ![Liz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/liz/32/17737_2.png) [@Liz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liz)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2004, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516/43 "2004-10-22T02:57:39Z")
She was referring to me with most of her comments, I think – I commented upthread that I wouldn’t be all suddenly “fufilled” and such if I had children against my better judgment, and would probably end up absolutely abhoring them. As for the rest of **your** post, you are dead-on. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Liz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/liz/32/17737_2.png) [@Liz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liz)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2004, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516/44 "2004-10-22T02:58:50Z")
> [@chatelaine](#): > > She was referring to me with most of her comments, I think – I commented upthread that I wouldn’t be all suddenly “fufilled” and such if I had children against my better judgment, and would probably end up absolutely abhoring them. > > As for the rest of **your** post, you are dead-on. 🙂 That was for **tremorviolet**. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2004, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516/45 "2004-10-22T03:22:15Z")
I KNEW I didn’t want kids from the time I was little until my mid 20s. Married my first husband. One of the reasons he claims we broke up is I didn’t want kids and he did (the fact that his girlfriend wanted him to move in with him probably didn’t have anything to do with it). Several years later I got remarried. By then I was pretty sure I wanted kids - I was 27. We had fertility issues. We discussed being childfree. We both decided we wanted kids and adopted our son. So, yes, you can change your mind. Even if you are pretty sure in your early 20s that you don’t want kids, you can change your mind. My sister just had her first baby at 36 after five years of trying and IVF. She also KNEW she didn’t want kids and didn’t change her mind until her 30s. None of this is to say that you WILL change your mind. Plenty of people KNOW they don’t want kids and never do. They die happily childless with no regrets. ---
**Author:** ![Live\_Better\_Electrically](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/46a35a/32.png) [@Live\_Better\_Electrically](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Live_Better_Electrically)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2004, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516/46 "2004-10-22T03:30:43Z")
> [@tremorviolet](#): > > But it’s not that simple, that either you have kids or you hate them. I certainly didn’t intend to say _that_. When I referred to people “never wanting kids,” I meant **never** “wanting” (as in, feeling a desire for) kids. I mean, I have childless friends and I have _childless_ friends, by which I mean, ones who are dead to the sentiment of having children. Think about that for a second–it seems kind of cold. That’s my viceral reaction to people who claim to have never felt a desire to have kids. ---
**Author:** ![fishbicycle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aeb1de/32.png) [@fishbicycle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fishbicycle)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2004, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516/47 "2004-10-22T03:38:41Z")
> [@Live Better Electrically!](#): > > That’s my viceral reaction to people who claim to have never felt a desire to have kids. If you’d had my parents or their parents as role models, you wouldn’t want to have any kids, either. I’d be terrified to damage another human being the way they did. ---
**Author:** ![yosemite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/3ab097/32.png) [@yosemite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yosemite)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2004, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516/48 "2004-10-22T03:40:19Z")
> [@Live Better Electrically!](#): > > Think about that for a second–it seems kind of cold. That’s my viceral reaction to people who claim to have never felt a desire to have kids. I’m thinking about it, and it doesn’t seem cold. It just seems unique. There are loving sweet people who will take care of their kids wonderfully, but they don’t want pets. I love pets. Part of me can’t understand why people don’t want pets. But they don’t. Their business, not mine. If they seem like decent, loving people, I don’t waste a whole lot of time “wondering” about them. They may not be _my_ kind of people, I may certainly not agree with them on their “no pets” status, but ultimately, it’s their business. And there are people who love pets but don’t want kids. I love pets and while I don’t dislike kids and were I ever to have kids (which seems unlikely), I’d love them. But I don’t think there is anything all that “cold” or odd about someone not wanting kids. One of my sisters doesn’t—_really_ doesn’t—want kids, and she’s not cold. She just has issues that makes her not want kids. She is, by the way, a complete sucker for her cats. If you could see what a sap she is about her cats and you’d know that she’s not “cold.” Everyone is wired differently. That’s all. Personally speaking I can’t fathom why people don’t want to learn calligraphy, since in my opinion it’s fabulous, but the fact is, many people go through their entire lives without learning calligraphy. (Not that I compare calligraphy to kids, but just because I am so _enthusiastic_ about calligraphy doesn’t mean that the rest of the planet must be or be viewed with suspicion.) ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2004, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516/49 "2004-10-22T03:51:20Z")
I didn’t like other children much when I was a child. I’m rather fond of many of them now, but that’s not universal. I’d like to have children some day, but I don’t feel that they’d complete my life. For one thing, I’m a terribly impatient person and generally rather intolerant of people less intelligent than I am. It’s possible that if I became a mother, that would change, at least with respect to my own children, but it’s also possible that it wouldn’t. It’s not likely that I’ll have an “oops!” as I’m perpetually single. There is nothing wrong with not wanting children. I also personally believe that if you don’t want children, by all means don’t have them. Best for everyone involved. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2004, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516/50 "2004-10-22T13:26:02Z")
I _never_ wanted children. Ever. The fact that I can’t have them is just the icing on the cake. ---
**Author:** ![whiterabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/cab0a1/32.png) [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2004, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516/51 "2004-10-22T14:29:25Z")
> [@Live Better Electrically!](#): > > I’m saying that having kids is a unique experience. It seems that not having kids is a more unique experience, at least in our culture right now. Hell, I was engaged less than two years ago, and the first question a bunch of people asked was when we were having kids. Hello? Shouldn’t we at least, oh, I don’t know, get married first? (I’m a bit old-fashioned that way; I don’t want kids without a husband. YMMV, of course.) Right now I don’t want kids at all. And I’ve already decided that if I do, I’ll adopt; there are a few good reasons for that. That may make it much more difficult if I ever get to that point, what with the expense and all. But I’d much rather adopt a kid who is already here and needs a family than go to the trouble (it would be ENORMOUS trouble at best) to grow my own. I like kids, though I could do without dealing with an infant – another benefit of going the adoption route if I ever do. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2004, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516/52 "2004-10-22T14:43:09Z")
> [@jarbabyj](#): > > . . . you can have a job and a pet and a house and a lover and a all sorts of things, but until you’re entirely responsible for the LIFE of another human being, you haven’t experienced the fullness of responsibility. I _am_ “entirely responsible for the LIFE of another human being,” it just happens to be my mother and not my child. And it’s a “fullness” I could have done without, thanks. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2004, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516/53 "2004-10-22T14:48:52Z")
I don’t think 24 is too young to decide you don’t want children, but if you’re ambiguous about it _at all_, you shouldn’t do anything permanent just yet. I personally think it’s _way_ worse to not want kids and have them anyway than it is to not want them and _not_ have them. My mother was emotionally, psychologically and mentally unequipped to be a mother, but she had _five_ kids. I believe my mother was psychologically ill, and don’t believe she would have been a _happy_ person under any circumstances, but having kids certainly seemed to make her _less_ happy, and she shouldn’t have done it. These days, there are so many options available to women who don’t want kids that I don’t really understand where all of the unwanted kids come from. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2004, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516/54 "2004-10-22T14:59:12Z")
Speaking as someone who wouldn’t have given up the chance to have kids for anything, I agree that you shouldn’t have kids if you don’t want them. However: > [@alphaFemale](#): > > But. > > What If I change my mind? What If I turn 30 and freak out? What If, What If, What If It sounds like you aren’t 100% sure you’re ready to absolutely rule them out at this point. You’re 24. You don’t have to rule anything in or out forever at that age. ---
**Author:** ![Snickers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Snickers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snickers)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2004, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516/55 "2004-10-22T15:00:38Z")
SpouseO and I have decided not to have kids. I’ve never imagined myself with kids (or a husband for that matter, but you see how that turned out). You know how little girls are presumed to daydream about their wedding and playing house and having kids? Yeah, never happened with me. I never saw myself with a family. Still don’t. Woke up the other day from a dream in which I was pregnant, felt horror, and later called it a bad dream. And I’m 28 and married. If just the thought/dream of kids causes that kind of reaction in me, I figure I still don’t want 'em. Might it change? Yeah, I guess. It’s not likely, tho’. We’ve decided that if we do ever want to have a family, we’ll probably adopt. My husband is really set against the idea of bringing someone into this world; he’d much rather help someone who’s already here. I do like kids - I have a niece and I love her socks off - but I just don’t want any of my own. We’d feel tied down, locked in, buttoned up. And we’re not ready to give up our freedom. I think it’s better that we’ve realized this and have come to terms with it rather than have kids that we’re unprepared to deal with. Sometimes I think there’s a fundamental disconnect between the two sides: those that don’t want kids can’t understand those who do and vice versa. My husband falls into that category - he really can’t see why people would want to bring kids into this world. He wants to ask them: “Why do you want to bring someone into the world to experience _this_?” I’m not that far on that end of the spectrum - and I can see why people might want to have kids - but I’m pretty certain I’m not having my own. I’ve thought about getting myself fixed, but like some others have said, I think it might be a little early. Indeed, tho’ it seems unlikely now, I might change my mind. Doubtful, but could happen. Because I have that lingering doubt, I won’t go for the operation. If you don’t have that doubt, I’d say go for it, regardless of what age you happen to be. ---
**Author:** ![Ca3799](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9f8e36/32.png) [@Ca3799](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ca3799)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2004, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516/56 "2004-10-22T15:20:07Z")
As a youngster, I did not want kids for many reasons and my thoughts were similar to yours (I don’t think that kind of ‘selfishmness’ is a bad thing). I was about 90% - 95% sure I’d never want them, but not 100%. I had my first at 35 and second at 37 and I wouldn’t change a thing. The years between 17 and 34 I enjoyed thoroughly, and now I enjoy the kids, too. I am very very glad I chose not to have them sooner. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2004, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516/57 "2004-10-22T15:29:17Z")
> [@Unintentionally Blank](#): > > I can’t tell what’s worse: Someone with a child they don’t want, or someone who can’t have a child they DO want. This is easy. Someone with a kid they didn’t want is worse, because now the kid is suffering. I decided years ago I was \*pretty \* sure I didn’t want kids. Now I am almost 100 % sure. I leave the 1% because who knows? But damnit, don’t do it for a man. Do it for yourself, and only yourself. I know it soounds corny, but your heart knows if you want kids or not. Ugh…If I had a dollar for all the times I hear about a woman doing something because she’s in love and then regretting it, I’d be rich. I’m sorry to be harsh. But it’s OK not to cut your hair because your boyfriend likes it long. It’s not OK to decide about kids because of him. ---
**Author:** ![melondeca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@melondeca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melondeca)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2004, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516/58 "2004-10-22T15:40:21Z")
> [@Live Better Electrically!](#): > > I’m not saying kids are wonderful, I’m saying that having kids is a unique experience. Eating Rocky Mountain Oysters is probably a unique experience but it is still not one that I would want to try. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![DeadlyAccurate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ac91a4/32.png) [@DeadlyAccurate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeadlyAccurate)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2004, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516/59 "2004-10-22T16:36:43Z")
I was rather unsure through most of my 20s, leaning towards no. As time went on, I realized more and more than I didn’t want them. At 29 I made the decision permanent, and I haven’t regretted it since (since being in the last year and a half). You definitely don’t want to do anything permanent until you know for sure. Should we end up changing our minds (very doubtful), we’d probably adopt. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2004, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516/60 "2004-10-22T16:53:28Z")
I was only 20 when I had my son. I think I probably would have had more if my situation would have been better, but it wasn’t. Then I ended up marrying someone who didn’t want kids, and I couldn’t imagine life with kids TWELVE years apart anyway, so I had the ol’ tubes tied. I can’t say I regret it, but I often wonder what it would have been like to have another child. There’s a huge difference between regretting and wondering. I think I made the best decision under the circumstances. And who knows? Maybe I’ll have grandchildren some day! If I were you, I wouldn’t make any “permanent” decisions. You may change your mind. You may fall out of love with the boyfriend. He may fall out of love with you. Until YOU decide, leave yourself the option. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-decision-not-to-have-children/270516.md?page=4)