# The Doctor is IN.
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [June 2, 2001, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299 "2001-06-02T05:08:58Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Daemon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daemon)
#### Post date: [June 2, 2001, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/1 "2001-06-02T05:08:58Z")
Let’s see how far this one goes. Here’s the premise: You supply the symptoms, the next poster provides the diagnosis (a la **Euty’s** answer and question threads…)
Example:
**Symptoms:**
1. I can’t get out of bed in the morning.
2. I can’t breathe.
3. I feel numb all over.
**Diagnosis:**
_You are dead._
Got it? Let’s begin…
**Symtoms:**
1. My hand hurts.
2. I drink two bottles of wine a day.
3. Erectile Dysfunction.
Remember, these are _hypothetical_ conditions.
**Disclaimer:** No advice given here is implied to be worth a shit.
---
### Author:  [@fnord1966](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fnord1966)
#### Post date: [June 2, 2001, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/2 "2001-06-02T05:39:29Z")
You are an alcoholic that likes to fist goats because you cant get it up? Or maybe its just a cramp from grasping the felching straw too tightly.
---
### Author:  [@Daemon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daemon)
#### Post date: [June 2, 2001, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/3 "2001-06-02T05:59:07Z")
You must now provide the symptoms for the next poster (at least 3, Hi Opal!)… or if you want me to provide them for you, I will:
1. I don’t get it.
2. My English not so good.
3. I’m a jerk.
---
### Author:  [@fnord1966](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fnord1966)
#### Post date: [June 2, 2001, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/4 "2001-06-02T06:06:49Z")
Look at your OP, you said nothing about providing symptoms after providing the diagnosis. BTW I am not a jerk, just trying to be funny. Next time I will provide a new set of symptoms now that I am informed that I need to do so.
And my grasp of the english language is quite good. I saw no errors. Anyhoo, I have to get to sleep.
Symptoms:
I have a short attention span
I procrastinate to the extreme
I am easily bored and seek out knowledge and activitys that stimulate my mind.
---
### Author:  [@Daemon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daemon)
#### Post date: [June 2, 2001, 6:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/5 "2001-06-02T06:18:01Z")
Diagnosis for you : ADHD, are you taking your Ritalin?
So we begin again:
**Symptoms:**
1. Runny nose
2. Constant headache
3. My hand STILL hurts!
---
### Author:  [@fnord1966](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fnord1966)
#### Post date: [June 2, 2001, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/6 "2001-06-02T06:24:01Z")
Close, ADD, no hyper-activity. I did take ritalin, but it did nothing for ne, even at 30 mg 4 times a day (when I was 12)
---
### Author:  [@Daemon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daemon)
#### Post date: [June 2, 2001, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/7 "2001-06-02T06:47:25Z")
Post your symptoms for the next poster! Damn, you are ADD!
---
### Author:  [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)
#### Post date: [June 2, 2001, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/8 "2001-06-02T07:02:47Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Daemon \*
> So we begin again:
>
> **Symptoms:**
>
> 1. Runny nose
> 2. Constant headache
> 3. My hand STILL hurts!
**Diagnosis** : You have a cold and you’ve been spanking **fnord**.
Some Comtrex will clear up (1) and (2), and for symptom (3), try using a paddle. 🙂
* * *
**Symptoms**
1. Blurred vision
2. Sore neck
3. A noticeable limp
---
### Author:  [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)
#### Post date: [June 2, 2001, 8:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/9 "2001-06-02T08:24:15Z")
\*\*
1. Blurred vision
2. Sore neck
3. A noticeable limp \*\*
Next time you walk into a bar, duck. And forget that flask in your pocket, we serve drinks here.
\*\*
1. Twitching
2. Stammering
3. Jumping up and down
\*\*
---
### Author:  [@DynoSaur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DynoSaur)
#### Post date: [June 2, 2001, 9:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/10 "2001-06-02T09:15:22Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by AcidKid \*
> \*\*
>
> 1. Twitching
>
> 2. Stammering
>
> 3. Jumping up and down
> \*\*
You know, if you’re that nervous about public speaking, maybe you shouldn’t do it while you’re on a trampoline.
1. Drooling
2. Swearing
3. Walking backwards
---
### Author:  [@Daemon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daemon)
#### Post date: [June 2, 2001, 9:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/11 "2001-06-02T09:49:17Z")
**1) Drooling
2) Swearing
3) Walking backwards**
**Diagnosis:** You are obviously doing too much of the Texas Two-Step.
**Symptoms:**
1. My mother doesn’t love me
2. I don’t even love myself
3. Even Opal doesn’t like me
---
### Author:  [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)
#### Post date: [June 2, 2001, 10:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/12 "2001-06-02T10:15:58Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*\*
>
> 1. My mother doesn’t love me
>
> 2. I don’t even love myself
>
> 3. Even Opal doesn’t like me \*\*
“Mother! Please! I’d rather do it myself, despite Opal’s help.”
(Diagnosis courtesy Anacin commercial circa 1960s.)
\*\*
1. Your cholesterol level is four digits.
2. Your prostate exam requires four digits.
3. Your bill is four digits.
\*\*
---
### Author:  [@Holly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Holly)
#### Post date: [June 2, 2001, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/13 "2001-06-02T13:18:52Z")
AcidKid:
> [@](#):
>
> 1. Your cholesterol level is four digits.
> 2. Your prostate exam requires four digits.
> 3. Your bill is four digits.
Your doctor charges you extra because he’s tired of digging out the shells from the raw eggs you’ve been inserting into your rectum.
1)Intense genital itching
2)Open sores inside your mouth
3)Painful nipples
---
### Author:  [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)
#### Post date: [June 2, 2001, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/14 "2001-06-02T18:27:45Z")
**Holly**
_1)Intense genital itching_ - **You’re a man…**
_2)Open sores inside your mouth_ - **…with herpes…**
\*3)Painful nipples \* - **… who is pregnant**
Better find a **real** good OB/GYN…
1. Loss of hair
2. Loss of body temperature
3. Loss of girlfriend
---
### Author:  [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)
#### Post date: [June 2, 2001, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/15 "2001-06-02T18:32:48Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Monstre \*
> \*\*
>
> 1. Loss of hair
> 2. Loss of body temperature
> 3. Loss of girlfriend \*\*
You’re a rabbit that **fnord** got ahold of.
Symptoms:
Blue toes
Feverish grin
excessive flatulence
---
### Author:  [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)
#### Post date: [June 2, 2001, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/16 "2001-06-02T18:48:33Z")
[QUOTE]
\*Originally posted by GingerOfTheNorth \*
\*\*
> [@](#):
>
> Blue toes
> Feverish grin
> excessive flatulence
> \*\*
You wandered outside during the annual Christmas Chili Cook-off in Edmonton for a little nooky with the buxom barmaid.
Symptoms:
Overweight
Orange Weenie
Sore right arm
Blurred vision
---
### Author:  [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)
#### Post date: [June 2, 2001, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/17 "2001-06-02T18:57:11Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by featherlou \*
> \*\*Symptoms:
> Overweight
> Orange Weenie
> Sore right arm
> Blurred vision \*\*
You frequently eat Cheetos while watching adult movies on a TV right in front of your face.
Symptoms:
Ringing in my ears
Inability to wake up on time
Sore thumbs
---
### Author:  [@tevya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tevya)
#### Post date: [June 2, 2001, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/18 "2001-06-02T22:49:32Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by ultrafilter \*
> \*\*
> Symptoms:
> Ringing in my ears
> Inability to wake up on time
> Sore thumbs \*\*
Diagnosis: You are sleeping with your thumbs in your ears.
Symptoms:
Loss of appetite
Nausea
Acne
---
### Author:  [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)
#### Post date: [June 3, 2001, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/19 "2001-06-03T00:35:43Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by tevya \*
> \*\*Symptoms:
> Loss of appetite
> Nausea
> Acne \*\*
You are a teenager with awfully bad skin, the sight of which will make you sick to your stomach every time you look in the mirror.
Symptoms:[ol]
[li]Gnawing on the woodwork[/li][li]Barking at the moon[/li][li]Voting Republican (Hi Opal)[/li]I LOVE RAMEN NOODLES! YEAH! [/ol]
---
### Author:  [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)
#### Post date: [June 3, 2001, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/20 "2001-06-03T06:54:37Z")
[QUOTE]
\*Originally posted by Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor \*
Symptoms:[ol]
[li]Gnawing on the woodwork[/li][li]Barking at the moon[/li][li]Voting Republican (Hi Opal)[/li][li]I LOVE RAMEN NOODLES! YEAH! [/ol][/li][/QUOTE]
Diagnosis: You’re perfectly normal (except for your Ramen noodle fetish). Please pay the receptionist on the way out.
* * *
Symptoms:
1. I keep repeating things
2. I keep repeating things
3. I keep forgetting what I was just saying…
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