# The Doctor is IN. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 2, 2001, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299 "2001-06-02T05:08:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2001, 8:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/21 "2001-06-03T08:22:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\*Loss of appetite > > Nausea > > Acne \*\* _Skin medication is not to be taken internally._ > [@](#): > > _ **Originally posted by Monstre** _ Symptoms: 1)I keep repeating things 2)I keep repeating things 3)I keep forgetting what I was just saying ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2001, 8:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/22 "2001-06-03T08:41:01Z")
> [@](#): > > _Monstre complained that:_\*\* > 1)I keep repeating things > > 2)I keep repeating things > > 3)I keep forgetting what I was just saying \*\* _You have dissociation and retrograde amnesia so what seems to be your problem?_ \*\*1) There is a shooting pain down my left leg. 1. There is a shooting pain up my right leg. 2. The voices don’t talk to me anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Daemon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Daemon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daemon)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2001, 9:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/23 "2001-06-03T09:33:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by AcidKid \* > > \*\*1) There is a shooting pain down my left leg. > > 1. There is a shooting pain up my right leg. > > 2. The voices don’t talk to me anymore. > > \*\* Diagnosis: You know, they’ll give a concealed weapons permit to just about anyone these days! Symptoms: 1. Hyperactive 2. Always thirsty 3. Not on meds, but should be… ---
**Author:** ![evilbeth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/evilbeth/32/2268_2.png) [@evilbeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/evilbeth)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2001, 9:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/24 "2001-06-03T09:40:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Daemon \* > \*\*Symptoms: > > 1. Hyperactive > > 2. Always thirsty > > 3. Not on meds, but should be… > \*\* Daignosis: You are my dog. Symptoms: 1)Night sweats 2)Leg cramps 3)Excessive hairiness ---
**Author:** ![Protesilaus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Protesilaus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Protesilaus)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2001, 9:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/25 "2001-06-03T09:53:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by evilbeth \* > \*\*Symptoms: > > 1)Night sweats > > 2)Leg cramps > > 3)Excessive hairiness \*\* Diagnosis: Someone replaced your Nair with Rogaine. Don’t ask me why it causes cramps, it just does. Symptoms: 1. Insomnia 2. Pinkeye 3. Right foot missing ---
**Author:** ![Fern\_Forest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/71c47a/32.png) [@Fern\_Forest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fern_Forest)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2001, 11:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/26 "2001-06-03T11:59:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Protesilaus \* > \*\*Symptoms: > > 1. Insomnia > > 2. Pinkeye > > 3. Right foot missing \*\* Please sit down. I have some bad news. You are going to DIE DIE DIE DIE. Ahem, excuse me. You see you are a 29 year old brit who tries to get sleepy by walking around in the woods in the back parts of Oregon. _heeheehee, nobody will get that. Absolutely nobody. heeheehee, well maybe a few but almost nobody_ - Overactive bladder - Inverted nipples - Bleeding from the gums - Excessive ear hair - Extreme addiction to cigarettes - You speak French ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2001, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/27 "2001-06-03T17:44:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by brother rat \* > > - Overactive bladder > - Inverted nipples > - Bleeding from the gums > - Excessive ear hair > - Extreme addiction to cigarettes > - You speak French Diagnosis: You are a government experiment gone horribly wrong. Merci buckets… Symptoms: 1. A nervous twitch 2. Projectile vomiting 3. One leg shorter than the other ---
**Author:** ![Medea\_s\_Child](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Medea\_s\_Child](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Medea_s_Child)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2001, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/28 "2001-06-03T18:02:20Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Monstre \* > > Symptoms: > > 1. A nervous twitch > 2. Projectile vomiting > 3. One leg shorter than the other You got drunk with your pals and they nailed one of your feet to the floor. You’ve been going in circles since, causing a lean and one of your legs to be longer. My day has been awful: 1)Swollen, painful eye 2)loss of fingernails 3)Blue lips ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2001, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/29 "2001-06-03T18:03:09Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by Monstre \* \*\* > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by brother rat_\* \* > > - Overactive bladder > - Inverted nipples > - Bleeding from the gums > - Excessive ear hair > - Extreme addiction to cigarettes > - You speak French Zut Alors. **Arienne**?? Is that you? I’m so thrilled to see that the buboes have finally settled down !!! 😃 We simply MUST do lunch one day !! > [@](#): > > \*\* Symptoms: > > 1. A nervous twitch > 2. Projectile vomiting > 3. One leg shorter than the other \*\* Not only did you EAT the rat poison, but said rat ate off your foot and lower tib/fib. The twitch is hereditary, all Dead Heads have it 😉 Symptoms: 1. Can’t stop licking the knuckles of my left hand. 2. Can’t stop licking the knuckles of _other_ people’s left hand. 3. Scouring the Internet for women who are brunette and have the last name “Gorsky”. 4. Rocking incessantly to and fro. Never fro and to. Always to and fro. Cartooniverse ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2001, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/30 "2001-06-03T18:05:34Z")
> [@](#): > > **1)Swollen, painful eye > 2)loss of fingernails > 3)Blue lips** **Diagnosis** : You stuck your fingernail through your eye while eating a blue popsicle, and punctured your brain. You’re dead. **Symptoms** : Red bumpy rash excessive mucous loss of eyelashes and eyebrows ---
**Author:** ![Greg\_Charles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/839c29/32.png) [@Greg\_Charles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greg_Charles)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2001, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/31 "2001-06-03T18:33:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by GingerOfTheNorth \* > \*\* > Symptoms: > > Red bumpy rash > excessive mucous > loss of eyelashes and eyebrows \*\* Lay off those “insanity” peppers for awhile. **Symptoms:** Hair loss Sore elbows Awkwardly located planter warts ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2001, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/32 "2001-06-03T20:14:58Z")
A third opinion on… **Medea’s Child** \*1)Swollen, painful eye 2)loss of fingernails 3)Blue lips \* ## **Diagnosis:** You just ate a smurf, and he fought you all the way down. For **Cartooniverse** , who was skipped: \*1. Can’t stop licking the knuckles of my left hand. 2. Can’t stop licking the knuckles of other people’s left hand. 3. Scouring the Internet for women who are brunette and have the last name “Gorsky”. 4. Rocking incessantly to and fro. Never fro and to. Always to and fro. \* ## **Diagnosis:** You’ve been turned into an orangutan who’s into urban legends. You’d better have that looked at… **Greg Charles** _Hair loss Sore elbows Awkwardly located planter warts_ **Diagnosis:** You need to stay away from **Cartooniverse** from now on – he’s contagious. * * * Symptoms: 1. Tall 2. Dark 3. Handsome ---
**Author:** ![Daemon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Daemon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daemon)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2001, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/33 "2001-06-03T20:33:40Z")
Diagnosis: You are Michael Jordan (or maybe Will Smith, we’re still waiting on the X-rays). Symptoms: 1. Unable to concentrate 2. Hard of hearing 3. Priapism (made you learn an new word, didnt I) ---
**Author:** ![ModernRonin2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c37758/32.png) [@ModernRonin2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ModernRonin2)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2001, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/34 "2001-06-03T20:39:55Z")
- Symptoms: 1. Tall 2. Dark 3. Handsome - **Diagnosis:** You are Ben Affleck. Don’t make another movie like **Reindeer Games** or I’ll be forced to shoot you. 😃 Symptoms: 1. Extreme sensitivity to light 2. Pale skin 3. Depression -Ben ---
**Author:** ![DynoSaur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DynoSaur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DynoSaur)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2001, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/35 "2001-06-03T20:42:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Daemon \* > \*\*Diagnosis: You are Michael Jordan (or maybe Will Smith, we’re still waiting on the X-rays). > > Symptoms: > > 1. Unable to concentrate > > 2. Hard of hearing > > 3. Priapism (made you learn an new word, didnt I) \*\* Well, I wouldn’t be able to concentrate if my dick were in my ear, either…quite impressive, by the way… Symptoms: 1. Manic 2. Depressive 3. Can’t stop humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2001, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/36 "2001-06-03T21:01:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ModernRonin2 \* > \*\*Symptoms: > > 1. Extreme sensitivity to light > 2. Pale skin > 3. Depression > \*\* You’re a vampire wannabe. > [@](#): > > Symptoms: > > 1. Manic > 2. Depressive > 3. Can’t stop humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic You’re a native Southerner who is having trouble with his/her alterego, a hardcore Bostonian. Symptoms: 1. Desire to eat as much wedding cake as possible. 2. Inability to keep eyes off of long white dresses… 3. An arrow sticking out of butt. ---
**Author:** ![Searching\_For\_Truth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4da419/32.png) [@Searching\_For\_Truth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Searching_For_Truth)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2001, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/37 "2001-06-03T21:15:02Z")
You’re a horny 30-suttim archery instructor at the local YMCA who has recently taken notice of her biological clock…_tick tock tick tock_ and accidentantly misplaced an arrow, now conveniently lodged in your ass. Symptoms: 1. Hallucinations of bright blue radioactive bunnies, everywhere 2. Swollen middle finger 3. What looks like possible wings sprouting out of your lower back 4. A protusion on your forearm that resembles George Bush ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2001, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/38 "2001-06-03T22:03:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Searching For Truth \* > \*\*Symptoms: > > 1. Hallucinations of bright blue radioactive bunnies, everywhere > 2. Swollen middle finger > 3. What looks like possible wings sprouting out of your lower back > 4. A protusion on your forearm that resembles George Bush \*\* Please have a seat. I’ve gone over your tests. As your doctor I’ve told you time and again to take the vitamin B-12 to reduce the flashbacks. Once the bunnies go away you’re see that those love handles aren’t so frightening. AND REMEMBER THAT I’M THE DOCTOR! Quit playing with my sphygmomanometer and no more home pap smears no matter how often you think you need one. ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2001, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/39 "2001-06-03T22:09:50Z")
Symptoms: 1. Small mole on right eyeball 2… Dead rabbit in left ear 2. Antlers ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2001, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299/40 "2001-06-03T22:15:20Z")
\*1. Small mole on right eyeball 2. Dead rabbit in left ear 3. Antlers \* Diagnosis: You are one with nature. Literally. * * * Symptoms: 1. Nose hives 2. A third arm 3. Webbed feet [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-doctor-is-in/67299.md?page=3)