# The Dope Before Christmas **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 19, 2007, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dope-before-christmas/427104 "2007-11-19T23:15:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2007, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dope-before-christmas/427104/1 "2007-11-19T23:15:12Z")
I actually wrote this a couple of months ago and was going to wait ‘til December 1st to post it, after the US Thanksgiving was over and done with, but yesterday we watched the Santa Claus Parade, and today the mall is all decked out and lit up and ol’ St. Nick himself has been installed in his rightful place in the wee village, ready to accept kiddies to knee (or couch, anyway; they don’t do the knee anymore) so I got to feeling all yuletidey and decided to post it now. * * * **The Dope Before Christmas** 'Twas the Dope before Christmas, and all through the board Many creatures were stirring, but mostly the Fnord Debate was wedged hard 'twixt the facts and fanatics And talks were reduced to nitpicks and semantics Though each side felt they were the ones in the right The whole truth eluded them night after night Some posters joined one or the other camp’s side While others just straddled the issue’s divide First this way, then that way, the argument moved And posters laid groundwork for facts to be proved While others revealed that their schtick was a farce And still more would admit that their sources were sparse The post count still climbed, but all progress had halted And both camps contended the other had faulted Denials, assertions, and articles flew And during it all, animosity grew At first it was civil, with nobler aims But pleasant discourse became nebulous claims Then came accusations of outrageous lies And that’s when the fallacies started to fly Ad hominem! Ad feminem! Reductio ad Hitlerem! Ad logicam! Ad baculum! Argumentum ad populum! In bolded, italicized, underlined scrawl Those petulant missives would be the thread’s fall But just as the factions steadfastly adhered And as the thread’s nadir conspicuously neared The faintest impression of something drew nigh; The sense that the order of things was awry Then came, rather startling, on each Doper’s roof A dull, thudding clatter, like an animal’s hoof Still more thundered down with a boisterous noise Disturbing the peace, the shingles, the toys The silence returned for a minute or two Then straight down the chimney a hefty man flew His red and white garb was covered in soot His landing stuck badly; he cradled his foot He brushed off his jacket and straightened his hat And with a small cough, said, “I meant to do that.” It was hard to believe he was standing there now St. Nicholas himself, the clumsy old cow But quick as a flash, his expression turned grave He brandished a finger and shouted, “Behave!” “You bicker and fight and your argument’s weak! Not one of you knows whereof you all speak.” “But fortune is with you, I have just the thing! It will guide you and teach you and let the truth ring.” He reached down to open his ponderous sack And hauled out a tome – nearly put out his back “Now, all that you need can be found here in print, Every peer-reviewed piece, every fact, every hint.” Enormous in stature, it bore just one mark: An inlaid gold bang that stood out in the dark With a wink and a nod and a thumb to his nose, He returned to the chimney, and up it Nick rose But before he took off, he exclaimed to the night [sub] ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▄ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▐█▌ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░███ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▀█████████▀ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▀█████▀ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▄███▄ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▄███████▄ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░█▀▀░░█░░▀▀█ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░█ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▐█▌ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▄███▄ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▄███████▄ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▀▀░▒███▌░▀▀ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▄▒▒▒██▄ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▄████▒▒▒██▄ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▄████████▒▒▒██▄ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▄▄█▀▀▐████████▒▒▒▒█▄▄ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▒███████████ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▄▒▒▒██████████▄ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▄████▒▒▒██████████▄ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▄▄█████▀███▒▒▒▒████▀█████▄▄ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▀▀▀▀▀░░░░▐██████▒▒▒▒█▌░░░░▀▀▀▀▀ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▄██████████▒▒▒▒ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▒▄███████████████▒▒▒ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▄▄▒▒▒██████████████████▄▄ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░▄▄███████▒▒▒████████████████████▄▄▄ ░░░░░░░░░▄▄▄██████████▀▀▒▒▒▒█████████▀▀▀█████████▄▄▄ ░░░░░░░▀▀▀▀▀████▀▀▀░░░░▐███▒▒▒▒██████▌░░░░░░█▀███▀▀▀▀▀ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▄███████▒▒▒▒▒███▄ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▄█████████████▒▒▒▒▒█▄ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▄▄████████████████████▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ ░░░░░░░░░░▄▄▄███████████████████████████████████▄▄▄ ░▄▄▄▄▄█████████████████▀▀▀▀░█████░▀▀▀▀█████████████████▄▄▄▄▄ ░░░░▀▀▀████████▀▀▀▀░░░░░░░░░█████░░░░░░░░░▀▀▀▀████████▀▀▀ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░█████ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░█████ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░█████ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░┌█████┐ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░┌┼█████┼┐ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░┌┼███████┼┐ ░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀ [/sub] **"Happy Christmas to all And to all, a good cite!"** ---
**Author:** ![Dazzling\_White\_Diamonds](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/41988e/32.png) [@Dazzling\_White\_Diamonds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dazzling_White_Diamonds)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2007, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dope-before-christmas/427104/2 "2007-11-20T03:57:11Z")
Bravo, **Mindfield**. Bravo! ---
**Author:** ![Sunrazor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sunrazor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunrazor)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2007, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dope-before-christmas/427104/3 "2007-11-20T04:03:42Z")
Your Doper name is apt and well-earned. I have nothing to add, but logged on for the sole purpose of applauding you and telling you how much I admire your work. Now get your butt back to work, you slacker! Merry Christmas far in advance. ---
**Author:** ![Savannah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@Savannah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Savannah)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2007, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dope-before-christmas/427104/4 "2007-11-20T06:24:38Z")
Wow! (Applauding madly.) ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2007, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dope-before-christmas/427104/5 "2007-11-20T06:47:47Z")
Visions of sugar plums for you, my good sir. Well done! _smooch_ ---
**Author:** ![Astroboy14](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df705f/32.png) [@Astroboy14](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Astroboy14)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2007, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dope-before-christmas/427104/6 "2007-11-20T16:41:15Z")
Nicely done! ---
**Author:** ![ThirdCultureKid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbce88/32.png) [@ThirdCultureKid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThirdCultureKid)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2007, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dope-before-christmas/427104/7 "2007-11-20T21:04:53Z")
I’m printing that out and taping it to my closet, m’kay? ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dope-before-christmas/427104/8 "2007-11-21T00:12:45Z")
Thank you, thank you. 🙂 I know it’s entirely too early to be posting it, but … well, what the hell. A pre-emptive nod to the holiday season. Besides, in Canada our Christmas season properly starts around the beginning of November, following Halloween, so to me it _isn’t_ early. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dope-before-christmas/427104/9 "2007-11-21T00:27:27Z")
Wow - you’re all poetical!! Who’d’a thunk it?!? Good job! ---
**Author:** ![dogbutler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogbutler/32/428_2.png) [@dogbutler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dogbutler)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dope-before-christmas/427104/10 "2007-11-21T00:55:00Z")
: bows in homage to greatness : It’s never too early, my tree has been up for 5 years now. ---
**Author:** ![gardentraveler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gardentraveler/32/3576_2.png) [@gardentraveler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gardentraveler)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dope-before-christmas/427104/11 "2007-11-21T00:56:47Z")
Very cool job, **Mork**! And a pretty tree, to boot. GT ---
**Author:** ![Madd\_Maxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Madd\_Maxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Madd_Maxx)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dope-before-christmas/427104/12 "2007-11-21T00:59:51Z")
Huzzah! ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dope-before-christmas/427104/13 "2007-11-21T13:41:34Z")
Thanks again. 😃 **Dog Butler** - My window lights have been up for three years, does that count? I can’t reach them otherwise, y’see. They were strung up in the main window before I assembled a bit desk that covers half of it, so I can no longer get to half of the lights to take them down. We can’t put up a tree because I have to put tinsel on the tree and we have cats. Plus we don’t really have the room anyway, so I usually set up some kind of miniature display. ---
**Author:** ![anyrose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@anyrose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anyrose)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dope-before-christmas/427104/14 "2007-11-21T14:00:43Z")
abso-freakin-lutely a-freakin-mazin! clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dope-before-christmas/427104/15 "2007-11-21T16:36:19Z")
**Mindfield** , AKA, **MinDude** , freakin’ awesome! > [@](#): > > Ad hominem! Ad feminem! Reductio ad Hitlerem! > Ad logicam! Ad baculum! Argumentum ad populum! > In bolded, italicized, underlined scrawl > Those petulant missives would be the thread’s fall This has had me in giggle fits for fifteen minutes. Again… Just. Freakin’. Awesome. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2007, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dope-before-christmas/427104/16 "2007-11-21T19:10:57Z")
We are not worthy! ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2007, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dope-before-christmas/427104/17 "2007-11-22T00:01:18Z")
Thank you. I’m all ablush here. 😃 **Swampy** - I have to admit, I really shoehorned those first two lines in there. The meter stinks. Latin just doesn’t fit well. But I liked it too much to scrap it and try something else. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![dogbutler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogbutler/32/428_2.png) [@dogbutler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dogbutler)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2007, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dope-before-christmas/427104/18 "2007-11-22T05:39:57Z")
[QUOTE=Mindfield] Thanks again. 😃 **Dog Butler** - My window lights have been up for three years, does that count? I can’t reach them otherwise, y’see. They were strung up in the main window before I assembled a bit desk that covers half of it, so I can no longer get to half of the lights to take them down. We can’t put up a tree because I have to put tinsel on the tree and we have cats. Plus we don’t really have the room anyway, so I usually set up some kind of miniature display. [/QUOTE] Close enough ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2007, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dope-before-christmas/427104/19 "2007-12-24T16:12:34Z")
Just a wee time-appropriate bump to wish everyone a Very Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Buon Natale, Joyeux Noël, Frohe Weihnachten, Vrolijke Kerstmis, 즐거운 성탄, 圣诞快乐, happy holidays, etc. I’ll be in and out and doing stuff around the house in preparation for Ye Big Ole Feast and flurry of Christmas wrapping paper that will ensue tomorrow, so I wanted to bump now in case I forget or don’t get a chance to later. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2007, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dope-before-christmas/427104/20 "2007-12-24T16:24:26Z")
_Feliĉan Kristnaskfeston!_ Merry Yule! 🙂 That was amazing, **Mindfield**. :: applauds :: [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-dope-before-christmas/427104.md?page=2)