# The double standard regarding divorce **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 9, 2013, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893 "2013-05-09T15:05:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![MissTake](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misstake/32/3189_2.png) [@MissTake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissTake)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2013, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/21 "2013-05-09T19:00:33Z")
I don’t see it among my friends / family IRL, either. Both of my nephews are married. If they walked out on their wives, one we would think “Boy, what the hell did you do?” and the other would cause us to think “Finally! What took you so long?” It all depends on the parties involved. ---
**Author:** ![Fotheringay-Phipps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d9b06d/32.png) [@Fotheringay-Phipps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fotheringay-Phipps)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2013, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/22 "2013-05-09T19:01:30Z")
I know of one case where a guy left his wife and she went around telling people that he was abandoning her and the kids, and she got a lot of traction with it with their mutual friends. And she was a very tough and difficult person. (After they got divorced, she made it really hard for him to see his kids.) One general reason that women have it better in terms of public sympathy in divorce situations (even besides for the “abandonment” issue being discussed here) is that they have a tendency to share issues with their marriage with their friends and relatives to a much greater extent than men do. A lot of men like to be the strong silent types when it comes to these things and to put on a front as if everything is going great, even when it’s not. Meanwhile their wives are complaining about them to their friends on a daily basis. Then one day when one or the other wants out, they face a completely different dynamic. The husband is announcing out of the blue that he wants out, and now has to create an entire story that has no prior basis in support of himself. The wife has effectively laid the groundwork for her version of events for years. So when the wife says “he’s abandoning me” that rings true, because no one heard of complaints about the wife previously. If the husband says “she’s abandoning me”, that has no credibility, because everyone has already heard the complaints about him for years. If anything, the very complaint just shows how clueless of a husband he is - his wife had all these issues and he was resolutely oblivious to them. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2013, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/23 "2013-05-09T20:45:44Z")
It depends on why the person walks out. If it is because of any kind of abuse or neglect, then people celebrate no matter which gender walks out. If it is because of things like boredom, there is less approval. If they abandon the kids then there is scorn. I don’t think there is that much gender difference on the issue. It is more about the motivation for leaving and what you do with the kids afterwards. Having said that there is a legal and cultural bias to think of women as victims and men as jerks, so I am probably wrong to a degree. ---
**Author:** ![curlcoat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea5d25/32.png) [@curlcoat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/curlcoat)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/24 "2013-05-10T01:17:06Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > Did either couple have children? This is the one that makes me crazy - I got divorced from my cheating abusive husband and the first thing people who didn’t know me at the time asked was “did you have any children?” “No” “Oh, that’s good, it’s so hard on them” As if it wasn’t hard on me to have to move back in with my psycho mother because the bastard left me with nothing, be left with really bad credit and literally no place to go. Sure, it was good for many reasons there were no kids, but that was the sum total of anyone’s concern. ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/25 "2013-05-10T01:32:46Z")
My mom’s currently divorcing my dad. She’s the one who ran away. I don’t think she’s heroic or anything. I wish things could’ve worked out. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/26 "2013-05-10T19:46:11Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > I have. Twice. I don’t know how much younger the younger women were, though. > > In one case the husband came back. In the other, the wife is now happily married to someone else. I know of one. He ran a large business, and it was his secretary. He said God told him to. :rolleyes: There were kids involved. But not all bad news - the wife had funded the startup of the business with her money, so she got half of it - so at least she didn’t have to worry about where her next meal was coming from. ---
**Author:** ![Amara\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7993a0/32.png) [@Amara\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amara_1)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/27 "2013-05-10T20:06:38Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > I would like to add that I have NEVER seen a middle-aged or elderly man totally ditch his wife for a much-younger woman. I’ve seen this a couple of times. The more common scenario I’ve seen has been where a middle aged guy has an affair (or two or more) and expects his wife to ignore it. In this case, it is frequently the wife who initiates the divorce. In the broader question of divorce, I don’t generally see an assumption made of which gender is at fault. ---
**Author:** ![SaharaTea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SaharaTea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SaharaTea)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/28 "2013-05-10T20:11:33Z")
Maybe part of this over-generalization comes from another over-generalization: that men are the ones who tend to have affairs when things aren’t going right, and therefore it’s the woman who is the wronged party regardless of her role in the disintegration of the marriage. Again, it’s another generalization and it doesn’t mean women don’t have affairs too. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/29 "2013-05-10T20:27:15Z")
> [@SaharaTea](#): > > Maybe part of this over-generalization comes from another over-generalization: that men are the ones who tend to have affairs when things aren’t going right, and therefore it’s the woman who is the wronged party regardless of her role in the disintegration of the marriage. > > Again, it’s another generalization and it doesn’t mean women don’t have affairs too. And who do people think a lot of them are having affairs with in the first place? Other married women! :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Filbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/filbert/32/3433_2.png) [@Filbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Filbert)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/30 "2013-05-10T20:28:35Z")
Both my grandmother and aunt walked out, leaving the kids with their respective ex-husbands. I can’t say anyone ever said they were heroic. I really think it’s just assumed that one person gets the blame, the other gets the kids. ---
**Author:** ![Seanette](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/seanette/32/9139_2.png) [@Seanette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seanette)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/31 "2013-05-10T21:08:36Z")
Seems to me that this is somewhat more a media trope than the prevailing sentiment in the real world. Please note that Lifetime movies do NOT accurately depict anything commonly known as reality. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Amazing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@Captain\_Amazing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Amazing)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2013, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/32 "2013-05-11T00:34:05Z")
It probably depends on the situation, but my first thought is, they’ve been married for 30 years, and he was working and she was taking care of the kids, and now he leaves, and what’s she going to do for income and supporting herself? So, sort of the first thought is, he’s walking out on his responsibility to her. Now, it’s not really that way anymore so much. Women have careers and don’t always stay home after they marry, and their own incomes, and don’t need a man to provide for them, but I think the old idea is still there, and without knowing the specific circumstances, people assume he left because he’s a rat. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2013, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/33 "2013-05-11T03:37:02Z")
> [@Amara\_1](#): > > I’ve seen this a couple of times. The more common scenario I’ve seen has been where a middle aged guy has an affair (or two or more) and expects his wife to ignore it. In this case, it is frequently the wife who initiates the divorce. > > In the broader question of divorce, I don’t generally see an assumption made of which gender is at fault. In cases like this, while the wife might have done the task of filing the paperwork, I consider that the husband is the one who actually initiated the divorce. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2013, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/34 "2013-05-11T12:54:13Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > When a man leaves his wife, he’s pond scum, whereas if a woman leaves her husband, she’s strong and heroic and escaping a toxic situation, and pretty much gets confetti thrown at her. > [@nearwildheaven](#): > > This was prompted by a Facebook post from a woman who said, in effect, “My husband of 30 years left me in March. I am now divorced and moving on with my life” and ALL the posters are pretty much saying this. Maybe they’re right in this case, IDK, but it seems to be the case pretty much across the board nowadays. To recap: 1. Your friend’s husband left her back in March. 2. She just announced that she’s divorcing him and moving on. 3. Her FB friends are supporting her. Yeah, I’m not seeing any double standard here, nor am I seeing what your issue is. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2013, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/35 "2013-05-11T15:04:29Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > To recap: > > 1. Your friend’s husband left her back in March. > . He left. But we have no idea why he did. Maybe if we did we would all be screaming “run for you life!”. . ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2013, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/36 "2013-05-11T15:14:54Z")
Let’s someone make an image similar to [this famous one,](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-gpJ2FfhmWMc/TYb7Un7m-gI/AAAAAAAAACU/bD0C0FNpL-g/s1600/forgot.jpg) captioned “I forgot to mate for life!” ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2013, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/37 "2013-05-11T16:13:08Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > He left. > > But we have no idea why he did. Maybe if we did we would all be screaming “run for you life!”. Even if that’s true, the woman’s friends are still doing the right thing in supporting her in getting divorced and moving on. What else should they do, tell her _not_ to move on but obsess over her ex and continue making his life miserable? If this was a terrible marriage that was beyond saving then getting divorced and moving on seems the best solution, regardless of who was more at fault. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2013, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/38 "2013-05-11T16:33:10Z")
Well of course. But if she’s getting props for being the hero and he’s getting painted as the ass that could well be bullshit. That’s the OP’s beef, were the woman more often than not seems to get the benefit of the doubt. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2013, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/39 "2013-05-11T16:38:04Z")
I think friends get the benefit of the doubt. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2013, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/40 "2013-05-11T19:57:45Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I think friends get the benefit of the doubt. Exactly. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893.md?page=3)