# The double standard regarding divorce **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 9, 2013, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893 "2013-05-09T15:05:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![bobot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bobot/32/21622_2.png) [@bobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobot)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2013, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/41 "2013-05-11T23:58:57Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > When a man leaves his wife, he’s pond scum, whereas if a woman leaves her husband, she’s strong and heroic and escaping a toxic situation, and pretty much gets confetti thrown at her. > > 😕 :rolleyes: > > My issue with it is how everyone assumes this or that without knowing ANYTHING about what may have happened. Who gives a flying fuck what someone else might or might not assume? Just do your thing, you’re good. ---
**Author:** ![flatlined](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb9ed0/32.png) [@flatlined](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flatlined)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2013, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/42 "2013-05-12T01:55:07Z")
> [@Amara\_1](#): > > I’ve seen this a couple of times. The more common scenario I’ve seen has been where a middle aged guy has an affair (or two or more) and expects his wife to ignore it. In this case, it is frequently the wife who initiates the divorce. > > In the broader question of divorce, I don’t generally see an assumption made of which gender is at fault. My SO’s wife died in his arms. I’m 20 years younger than him and lot of people assume that he left her for me. Bill did everything possible for her and we spent many nights crying together over his pain. Ticks me off a lot, it does. We are honorable people, why do so many people make unfounded assumptions? ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2013, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/43 "2013-05-12T02:45:44Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Well of course. > > But if she’s getting props for being the hero and he’s getting painted as the ass that could well be bullshit. > > That’s the OP’s beef, were the woman more often than not seems to get the benefit of the doubt. It’s her Facebook wall. Why on earth would anyone give him the benefit of the doubt on _her_ Facebook wall? Maybe behind their hands all their friends are saying “At last! He’s finally left that abusive woman and starting his life over for the better!”, but if they feel that way the classy thing to do would be unfriend her and say nothing on her wall because it’s her Facebook, not a place where he is entitled to an equal airing. For anyone who doesn’t have just cause to assume she was at fault, as one of her friends on Facebook the correct response is to say encouraging, positive things about her future or stfu. And if some of her friends are badmouthing him, I’d assume they knew more about the situation, or were closer friends of her and were trying to show their support for her. I didn’t want my best friends to stick up for my ex during our divorce. I wanted them to say he was a worthless cheating dirtbag who should die in a fire. They delivered that to me. Presumably his friends were congratulating him on being free of that lazy bitch and helping him celebrate, and that’s their job. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2013, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/44 "2013-05-12T03:01:34Z")
> [@Eliahna](#): > > . I wanted them to say he was a worthless cheating dirtbag who should die in a fire. They delivered that to me. Presumably his friends were congratulating him on being free of that lazy bitch and helping him celebrate, and that’s their job. Sums it up for better or worse. ---
**Author:** ![Mince](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecd19e/32.png) [@Mince](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mince)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2013, 10:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/45 "2013-05-13T10:38:28Z")
Other double standards you’re not going to like: A woman can have multiple girlfriends, but a guy cannot. If an adult male has sex with a minor female, she’s a horrible rape victim; if an adult woman has sex with a minor male, he’s a fucking Super God Hero. etc, etc, etc… ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2013, 11:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/46 "2013-05-13T11:41:47Z")
> [@Filbert](#): > > Both my grandmother and aunt walked out, leaving the kids with their respective ex-husbands. I can’t say anyone ever said they were heroic. > > I really think it’s just assumed that one person gets the blame, the other gets the kids. Agreed. The one looking after the kids gets more sympathy from mutual friends - in general; sometimes that doesn’t happen either, if from the outside the one with custody looks like more of a bad guy. If a man’s wife leaves him and the kids stay with him he will get tons of sympathy even from his wife’s friends. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2013, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/47 "2013-05-22T01:15:17Z")
> [@curlcoat](#): > > This is the one that makes me crazy - > > I got divorced from my cheating abusive husband and the first thing people who didn’t know me at the time asked was > > “did you have any children?” > > “No” > > “Oh, that’s good, it’s so hard on them” > > As if it wasn’t hard on me to have to move back in with my psycho mother because the bastard left me with nothing, be left with really bad credit and literally no place to go. Sure, it was good for many reasons there were no kids, but that was the sum total of anyone’s concern. Underlining added by me. With all due respect for the difficulty of your situation at the time, what were these people, who didn’t know you at the time, _supposed_ to say? If they didn’t know about the circumstances of your marriage or your divorce, or the situation it left you in, their choices were either (a) to pry into the messy details, or (b) ask a fairly innocuous question like ‘did you have any children? how are they taking it?’ ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2013, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/48 "2013-05-22T12:00:10Z")
> [@SciFiSam](#): > > Agreed. The one looking after the kids gets more sympathy from mutual friends - in general; sometimes that doesn’t happen either, if from the outside the one with custody looks like more of a bad guy. If a man’s wife leaves him and the kids stay with him he will get tons of sympathy even from his wife’s friends. That’s odd. I always feel worse for the fathers whose wives file for divorce, because it usually means that not only do they lose their spouse, but they lose their kids, too. I know that my husband and I would be equally devastated to lose that day-to-day contact with our kids. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2013, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/49 "2013-05-22T17:49:16Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#): > > Underlining added by me. > > With all due respect for the difficulty of your situation at the time, what were these people, who didn’t know you at the time, _supposed_ to say? If they didn’t know about the circumstances of your marriage or your divorce, or the situation it left you in, their choices were either (a) to pry into the messy details, or (b) ask a fairly innocuous question like ‘did you have any children? how are they taking it?’ The polite thing would have been to say something to address the possibility that the divorce affected curlcoat first, not any hypothetical children. The comment about how divorce can be hard on children ignores curlcoat and implies that her pain or problems are devalued because she is not a child or a parent. ---
**Author:** ![curlcoat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea5d25/32.png) [@curlcoat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/curlcoat)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2013, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/50 "2013-05-23T06:34:56Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#): > > Underlining added by me. > > With all due respect for the difficulty of your situation at the time, what were these people, who didn’t know you at the time, _supposed_ to say? If they didn’t know about the circumstances of your marriage or your divorce, or the situation it left you in, their choices were either (a) to pry into the messy details, or (b) ask a fairly innocuous question like ‘did you have any children? how are they taking it?’ It doesn’t seem like an innocuous question when they seem to be telling me that the divorce was only a tragedy if there had been children involved. I mean, at the time I swore I would never marry again, which would lead to the conversation about the ex and the divorce and boom - the children question. It was the double whammy of female/marriage must equal children, and divorce is only an issue if there were children involved. My divorce left me destitute with shit for a credit rating, a bizarre attitude towards sex, and having to live with the aforementioned psycho parental unit, but apparently that was unimportant. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2013, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/51 "2013-05-23T06:40:28Z")
The same is true in movies. If a married man has an affair in a movie, he is a villain and something bad will happen to him. If a married woman has an affair, well, she is the hero. She is finding herself! ---
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2013, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/52 "2013-05-23T14:14:48Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > The same is true in movies. If a married man has an affair in a movie, he is a villain and something bad will happen to him. > > If a married woman has an affair, well, she is the hero. She is finding herself! Yup, Hollywood celebrates it. Not so much when the roles are reversed. [_Eat, Pray Love_ picked apart, eaten and regurgitated](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=587517&highlight=love+pray) ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2013, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/53 "2013-05-23T20:07:59Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > I would like to add that I have NEVER seen a middle-aged or elderly man totally ditch his wife for a much-younger woman. I have, and in every case it was the “younger model” scenario (the younger woman wasn’t just younger, she was very similar to what the first wife had been like at that age). ---
**Author:** ![Morgenstern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2013, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/54 "2013-05-23T20:11:32Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > Why did the wife leave her husband? > > _Because he was a selfish bastard._ > > Why did the husband leave his wife? > > _Because he was a selfish bastard._ > > Regards, > Shodan I see. It’s lose/lose for the poor guy. Might as well stay [del]miserable[/del], married. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2013, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/55 "2013-05-23T20:14:28Z")
OOT: In most of those “younger model exchanges” I know, the first woman just rolled her eyes about that; one was extremely confused, because dude was a Pygmalion and she kept saying “after all that effort I put into changing for him, he trades me in for… me?” ---
**Author:** ![Duke\_of\_Rat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Duke\_of\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke_of_Rat)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2013, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/56 "2013-05-23T20:30:10Z")
A wise man [once told me](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tx8x3LCnYZw#t=1m25s) he wasn’t going to ever get married again, just find some ol’ gal he didn’t particularly like and buy her a house. ---
**Author:** ![Tethered\_Kite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a5b964/32.png) [@Tethered\_Kite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tethered_Kite)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2013, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/57 "2013-05-23T20:46:04Z")
The culture I was raised in automatically assumed the woman must have been a bad wife or mother. So I guess this is a refreshing change for women. The current social climate seems to be tougher on males. As though for every winner of rights there has to be an opposing loser. We’re really polarized that way, I think. Not that it hasn’t always seemed that there’s a _good_ person and a bad_person_ in every divorce but just that we appear to be more intent on hanging on to that idea. Is it to absolve from blame, guilt or a sense of failure? I don’t know. Maybe we just tend to be more vocal in our judgements of people than we used to be. But it’s not progress until people stop making assumptions based on assigned social roles. ---
**Author:** ![slumtrimpet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@slumtrimpet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slumtrimpet)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2013, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893/58 "2013-05-23T23:44:11Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > I would like to add that I have NEVER seen a middle-aged or elderly man totally ditch his wife for a much-younger woman. Maybe I lead a very sheltered life, but I just haven’t, And yet I can attest that, yes indeed, it happens. 20 years younger (six years older than his oldest daughter), his ‘administrative assistant’, completely cliché. And he left the kids too, although they were pretty much grown up. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-double-standard-regarding-divorce/657893.md?page=2)