# The Easter Bunny Visits - a story of lust and death. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 21, 2003, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-easter-bunny-visits-a-story-of-lust-and-death/170021 "2003-04-21T12:42:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![welby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@welby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/welby)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2003, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-easter-bunny-visits-a-story-of-lust-and-death/170021/1 "2003-04-21T12:42:20Z")
'Twas the night before Easter, And all through the home The boy played video games the girl on the phone; I’d just eaten a can of chilled bartlett pears And turned off the light that was over the stairs The children were nestled all snug in their rooms, the girl listening to Enya, the boy’s Eminem booms; And mamma in her teddy, me with muscles a-flex, Had just settled down for a long night of sex, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a bull, Gave my nuts a quick scratch and my dick a quick pull. The moon was obscured by the city’s bright glow But the street light let me see objects below, When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a big freaking bunny, with long furry ears, With a basket of candy, and lots of bright eggs, This damn bunny I thought, is out of it’s head. More rapid than eagles he hopped 'round the grass, I decided to put a bullet in his ass; “Now, Heckler! now, Koch.! now, Smith and Wesson! It’s time to teach this damn bunny a lesson! To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! He hopped like a drunkard having a ball!” As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky, So up to the house-top the rabbit he bounced, God bless it, new shingles, that bunny’s getting trounced. And then, in a twinkling, I heard a loud thump Climbed a ladder to find the Bunny in a slump. As I grabbed my shotgun, and was chambering a round, The little bastard sprang up with a leap and a bound. He was dressed all in fur, well, no shit he’s a bunny, I figured I’d skin him and sell him for money; A basket of junk food was over his arm, And he looked like a reject from a genetics farm. His eyes – how black! like a sign of death! His nose powdered round with leftover meth! His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, And the whiskers were as white as the snow; The stump of a crack pipe was between his buck teeth, And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath; “what the hell”, asked he, “are you doing with that gun?”, “I’m the fricking Easter bunny, this is supposed to be fun.” He was weaving and staggering, and smelled like a dump, And I smiled just to fool him, gave the shotgun a pump; A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, Soon told me that I had plenty to dread; He lashed out with a kick, but my gun did it’s work, I pulled the trigger; and the gun gave a jerk, After the shot I gave a mighty pose, For I’d blown off his whiskers and part of his nose! He sprang to the side, And screamed like a bitch, You justh funging shot me, whan tha heww id thinse? I didn’t answer, just blew him away to make sure, Happy Easter to all, would you like a nice fur? ---
**Author:** ![Exgineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Exgineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exgineer)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2003, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-easter-bunny-visits-a-story-of-lust-and-death/170021/2 "2003-04-21T13:22:28Z")
Yeah. Danged bunnies. I hate the little bastards too, especially when they get into my vegetable garden. Blowing them away is not only theraputic, but you also get to put their little heads on stakes as a warning to the others. I have a very cheery back yard. What? Easter Bunny? Who? Oh. ---
**Author:** ![Maxxxie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f14d63/32.png) [@Maxxxie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maxxxie)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2003, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-easter-bunny-visits-a-story-of-lust-and-death/170021/3 "2003-04-21T13:24:25Z")
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!! ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2003, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-easter-bunny-visits-a-story-of-lust-and-death/170021/4 "2003-04-21T13:36:42Z")
Bravo!! A work of art!! \ ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2003, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-easter-bunny-visits-a-story-of-lust-and-death/170021/5 "2003-04-21T14:02:23Z")
I give it a 9. Needs more lust! ---
**Author:** ![IDemandBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a88e57/32.png) [@IDemandBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IDemandBeer)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2003, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-easter-bunny-visits-a-story-of-lust-and-death/170021/6 "2003-04-21T14:49:22Z")
Yes, definitely more lust. But > [@](#): > > You justh funging shot me, whan tha heww id thinse? made up for it. 🙂 Have a beer on me! –IDB ---
**Author:** ![turner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/22d042/32.png) [@turner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/turner)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2003, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-easter-bunny-visits-a-story-of-lust-and-death/170021/7 "2003-04-21T23:35:14Z")
soon to be a holiday classic ---
**Author:** ![welby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@welby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/welby)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2003, 11:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-easter-bunny-visits-a-story-of-lust-and-death/170021/8 "2003-04-22T11:43:50Z")
Why thank you everyone. I was bored at work and decided that Easter needed a little bit of livening up anyway. Glad you liked it. ---
**Author:** ![Kricket](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f14d63/32.png) [@Kricket](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kricket)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2003, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-easter-bunny-visits-a-story-of-lust-and-death/170021/9 "2003-04-22T12:58:30Z")
Well, my niece was just doubting the easter bunny and asking how he held on to everyones baskets and made to everyones houses so fast. Now I can assure her that he is a meth addict, and then my brother and his wife can have the fun of sorting that one out for her. Thank you Welby for you helping hand in sibling torchure! Nothing better than seeing a brother or sister squirming in front of their children. ---
**Author:** ![Zenham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a5b964/32.png) [@Zenham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenham)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2003, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-easter-bunny-visits-a-story-of-lust-and-death/170021/10 "2003-04-22T14:16:46Z")
Welby, once again you impress and depress me in one fell swoop. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant… makes my own witty posts seem … _sigh_ \ You are the master, we are but the peons… \ ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2003, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-easter-bunny-visits-a-story-of-lust-and-death/170021/11 "2003-04-22T16:17:29Z")
Bravo! Well played! ---
**Author:** ![welby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@welby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/welby)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2003, 11:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-easter-bunny-visits-a-story-of-lust-and-death/170021/12 "2003-04-23T11:28:54Z")
**Kricket** , I’m glad I could help you with the problems inherent in corrupting your niece. I’m an uncle myself, and told my brother on the day my nephew was born that I will be the one to teach his son all of the bad things and how to get away with them. As soon as he starts walking… Aw, **Vanilla Toast** , don’t be that way. Your witty posts outshine me often. I’m not always funny. Ask **Rue DeDay** or **Exgineer**. They’ll tell you the truth. Well, **Rue** will, **Exgineer** is kind of shifty. ---
**Author:** ![modro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@modro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/modro)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2003, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-easter-bunny-visits-a-story-of-lust-and-death/170021/13 "2003-04-23T13:55:11Z")
**webly** , I bow before your powers of parody. I’d kiss your feet, but you probably stepped in something nasty running around the yard naked chasing a highed up bunny. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2004, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-easter-bunny-visits-a-story-of-lust-and-death/170021/14 "2004-04-07T17:19:52Z")
> [@welby](#): > > 'Twas the night before Easter, And all through the home > The boy played video games the girl on the phone; > I’d just eaten a can of chilled bartlett pears > And turned off the light that was over the stairs > …snip… That is outstanding!!!