# The Empire attacks Earth! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 8, 2002, 8:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871 "2002-05-08T08:12:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Chekmate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/46a35a/32.png) [@Chekmate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chekmate)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2002, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871/21 "2002-05-08T18:33:49Z")
I feel like such a nerd… \ ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2002, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871/22 "2002-05-08T20:43:11Z")
Having been thinkking about this while beating on a print server with a hammer; Given the way he feels about his Mommy, Lord help Darth Vader if he runs into the Matriarch Janeway. He doesn’t stand a chance. Compression Phaser Rifles, indeed. ---
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2002, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871/23 "2002-05-08T22:05:30Z")
I think if Janeway met Vader, Vader’d fall head over cape in love, while Janeway spur him, and instead would crumple up a paper ball and throw it, causing 63 borg cubes to be destroyed. Vader, in his rage, would force choke Harry Kim! He’s then try to turn Janeway by crusing by in his Low-rider Super Star Destroyer, but Janeway cannot be swayed by mere cars. Vader would be so enraged, he’d force choke Harry Kim! Then Vader would bring by the Emporer, who would bore us with talk about how “There is no escape, my young Janeway” Then Janeway would jump down the big shaft in the Death Star, killing herself. The Emperor would say “okay, maybe there is one way” and Vader would force choke Harry Kim! And then the Emperor would fry Harry with electricity! ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2002, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871/24 "2002-05-08T23:22:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tars Tarkas \* > \*\*and Vader would force choke Harry Kim! \*\* I like that part. I like that part a lot. ^:)^ ---
**Author:** ![BlackKnight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eb8c5e/32.png) [@BlackKnight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlackKnight)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2002, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871/25 "2002-05-09T00:13:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Dieter \* > \*\*Mark Hamill still lives here… they wouldn’t stand a chance. \*\* You’re right. One look at his acting and they’d keel over dead. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2002, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871/26 "2002-05-09T00:49:07Z")
Couldn’t we lob a nuke at them? (I can’t believe that I, of all people, am actually suggesting using NUKES!!!) ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2002, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871/27 "2002-05-09T01:03:22Z")
Whose quote concerning one of Queen Victoria’s “Little Wars”? Some tour book, if I recall. “But we have the Gatling.” ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2002, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871/28 "2002-05-09T01:18:56Z")
A Star Destroyer is what, three kilometers long? We’d better hope that we lose, because even a single SD crashing would be enough to devastate the planet. Bad as their aim is, I think that they’re at least good enough to hit the ground with a 3 klick chunk of metal. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2002, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871/29 "2002-05-09T01:32:16Z")
I have been given to understand that the best way to use an orbital laser weapon is to drop it on a city. ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Straight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dec6dc/32.png) [@Enola\_Straight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Straight)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2002, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871/30 "2002-05-09T02:21:27Z")
Vader: Surrender your vessel to the Empire! Picard: We are on a peaceful mission. We…AAACK!! Riker: How’d he do that? Worf: Commander! Reccomend we fire all…ARRGH!!! Riker: We surrender! We surr…UUUGH!!! LaForge: HEY! We’re giving up, already! Why’dya hafta choke him? Vader: I’m on a roll! ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2002, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871/31 "2002-05-09T02:30:13Z")
Janeway: Does your Mother know that you choke people like that? Break out the compression phaser rifles and have some chicken soup. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2002, 7:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871/32 "2002-05-09T07:30:25Z")
> [@](#): > > LaForge: HEY! We’re giving up, already! Why’dya hafta choke him? Why’dya hafta stop before you got to Wesley? ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2002, 12:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871/33 "2002-05-09T12:22:07Z")
That’s a good point, Enola. Explain yourself. Are you a secret Wesley hugger? ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2002, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871/34 "2002-05-09T13:05:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Miller \* > \*\* > > Why’dya hafta stop before you got to Wesley? \*\* Why would Vader choke someone who is obviously already turned to the Dark Side? ---
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2002, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871/35 "2002-05-09T16:35:01Z")
yes, Wesley Crusher is: **Darth Wuss**!!! Darth Wuss uses his Dark Jedi Whine powers to annoy the galaxy!! ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2002, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871/36 "2002-05-09T17:51:44Z")
I thought that whining was a Light Jedi power? ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2002, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871/37 "2002-05-09T19:10:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tars Tarkas \* > \*\*Wesley Crusher is: **Darth Wuss**!!! > \*\* Well, there’s that thing about their Mothers. There’s Kid Darth and robots, Kid Wesley and Nanites. What do you suppose whining sounds like inside that big 'ol helmet? I, for one, have never seen them together at the same time. ^:)^ ---
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2002, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871/38 "2002-05-09T19:41:59Z")
Jedi Whine Wars: Episode IV A New Annoyance Darth Wuss: I am your father! Luke: I was gonna go to Toshi Station and pick up some power converters! Darth Wuss: Captain Picard made me an ensign! Luke: I’m missing a hand! Darth Wuss: Riker made me 10 years older! But i couldn’t cope with being a real man! Luke: You ask the impossible! Darth Wuss: Nanites are my friends! Harry Kim: Hello!! Darth Wuss and Luke: AAIIIIIIUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!! RUN!!! ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2002, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871/39 "2002-05-09T23:42:51Z")
Actually, I see Haryy saying, “Hi, guys!” Darth Wuss = Dark Helmet from Spaceballs. ---
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2002, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871/40 "2002-05-10T01:35:51Z")
Harry would probably be: Hey, you guys, you wanna go play the clarinet? At which point most people in the room would run screaming. But i kid Harry, EVERYONE would run screaming! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-empire-attacks-earth/107871.md?page=3)