# The Enterprise vs. Batman **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 9, 2003, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508 "2003-04-09T06:05:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508/21 "2003-04-09T14:00:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SPOOFE \* > \*\*Ergo, Batman wins, under any circumstance, conceivable or inconceivable. \*\* Okay, then just for **SPOOFE** , what about a thread that pits Batman against the various Star Wars ships? Who wins there? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Kaspar\_Hauser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b3f665/32.png) [@Kaspar\_Hauser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaspar_Hauser)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508/22 "2003-04-09T16:06:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Asylum \* > \*\*Good Lord, what does it take to get through you people’s skulls?!!1? Batman is unbeatable!! \*\* Wesley Willis whooped Batman’s ass. You can’t just pretend it never happened, people! ---
**Author:** ![Sock\_Munkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@Sock\_Munkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sock_Munkey)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508/23 "2003-04-09T16:20:13Z")
Since the gods of plot devices decree that Wesley can save the ship from any danger and Batman can defeat any foe it’s an "immovable object VS irresistable force kind of thing. Thus, an ecounter between the two would cause the universe to blink out of existence to be replaced by reruns of Bewitched. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508/24 "2003-04-09T17:49:32Z")
What if Wesley Crusher really was Batman? ---
**Author:** ![Kaspar\_Hauser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b3f665/32.png) [@Kaspar\_Hauser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaspar_Hauser)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508/25 "2003-04-09T20:20:03Z")
What if Wesley _Willis_ was really Batman? ---
**Author:** ![av8rmike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/edb3f5/32.png) [@av8rmike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/av8rmike)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508/26 "2003-04-09T22:09:17Z")
How about _Bruce_ Willis vs. Batman? That guy can kick ass, in any time period. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508/27 "2003-04-09T22:34:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Asylum \* > **Kirk would immediately shirk his duty and head off to the bathroom to “work on his Captain’s Log”.** It’s called a “head.” Huh huh. Huh huh huh huh huh. > [@](#): > > **Next Nightwing would come across Worf and Troi.** Ew. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508/28 "2003-04-09T22:40:26Z")
Hey! Bruce Willis vs Willis from _Different Strokes_ “What you talking about, Batman?” ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Some\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ad7895/32.png) [@Just\_Some\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Some_Guy)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508/29 "2003-04-09T22:57:18Z")
> [@](#): > > Except one very crucial one: Batman can get inside the Enterprise. The Enterprise cannot get inside Batman. You **greatly** underestimate the power of Trek technobabel. “By venting our warp core exhaust through an eight-dimensional matrix we created on the holodeck and then passing it through the transporter buffers we should be able to fit snuggly in the Batman’s stomach with room for at least one more burrito!” ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508/30 "2003-04-10T00:41:40Z")
Feh. _I_ could take out Enterprise. The damn thing’s held together with Scotch tape and bailing wire. It’s had more breakdowns than Virginia Woolfe. The goddam _Paklids_ shut her down, f’rchrissakes! Even the 1960s TV Batman could take Enterprise! Hell, Alfred disguised as the 1960’s TV Batman could take Enterprise! Batman v. Deep Space Nine would be more of a challenge. After all, they’ve got Hawk in charge. Even Spencer didn’t mess with Hawk. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508/31 "2003-04-10T01:07:01Z")
Dude…Batman is like the coolest superhero. The motherfuck has no actual superpowers yet he can hang with Superman and the rest of the Justice League. Unlike Superman, Spiderman or any other superhero, his alter-ego is not a total dork. Bruce Wayne is a frigin supermodel dating billionare CEO. The Enterprise, on the other hand, is the Ford Pinto of spaceships. They explode at the drop of a hat. All the caped crusaders has to do is punch old man Picard in the face, change the access codes to something Data can’t translate (like “can’t”), throw a Baterrang into the warp core and BIFF! POW!! KA-BLAM! No more Enterprise. ---
**Author:** ![Apos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/838e76/32.png) [@Apos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apos)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 7:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508/32 "2003-04-10T07:00:58Z")
—What if Wesley Willis was really Batman?— Batman will cause damaging disharmony in your life by cussing at you for no reason at all. ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 9:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508/33 "2003-04-10T09:12:20Z")
> [@](#): > > Ah, but I must disagree with you here. Technobabble is the old enemy of Plot. Except the success of Technobabble is utterly dependent on the whims of the Plot. In the episode _Night Terrors_, the Enterprise-D tries to use its nifty Anti-Borg Deflector Dish Ray to escape from some funky rift… and it fails. Why? Because there was still twenty minutes of the episode to go! But then a second technobabble attempt - a chemical explosion that, physically, should have been weaker than the power generated by a matter/anti-matter reactor - succeeded. There is no reason why this second technobabble attempt should have succeeded… except an Act of Plot. Clearly, Plot is far more powerful than Technobabble. > [@](#): > > Okay, then just for SPOOFE, what about a thread that pits Batman against the various Star Wars ships? Who wins there? Prior to the NJO books, I’d have given it to Batman any day of the week. After _Vector Prime_, however, when the universe developed the ability to easily kill off a Main Character, Batman’s chances drop a bit more… But then it all depends on the ship. Anybody and his mother can sneak aboard an Old Empire _Imperial_-class Star Destroyer. Same goes for any Rebel or New Republic ships. However, Imperial Remnant ships, Hapan vessels, and other specialized ships can still be a tad troublesome. Batman’s in for some trouble if he tries to get aboard Booster Terrik’s _Errant Venture_. ---
**Author:** ![FabioClone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5f8ce5/32.png) [@FabioClone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FabioClone)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508/34 "2003-04-10T17:43:48Z")
> [@](#): > > Except the success of Technobabble is utterly dependent on the whims of the Plot. Ok, this is a little more complicated than I thought. You are correct that necessities of Plot can dictate the outcomes of Technobabble. I take back my statement that Technobabble is the enemy of Plot. This is because, like it or not, Technobabble is part of the Plot. What I meant was that Technobabble is the enemy of a good or logical Plot. That being said, I don’t think you can say that Technobabble or Plot is more powerful. I could write some truly dense Technobabble that would end the Plot any way I choose. On the other hand, as you pointed out, that Technobabble is limited by the confines of the Plot. There is a symbiotic relationship at work here. Plot shapes Technobabble; Technobabble shapes Plot. It’s really a beautiful thing, in its own way. Now for **Asylum’s** blasphemous remarks: > [@](#): > > He’d use Darkseid’s boomtube technology to transport a copy of Playboy (not available in the 23rd Century) onto Kirk’s Enterprise (please note, Boomtube tech is within the JLA’s hands and is different from Star Trek tech and should therefore be able to bypass shields). Kirk would immediately shirk his duty and head off to the bathroom to “work on his Captain’s Log”. Spock would wander after him to observe this “fascinating behavior”. This leaves the Ship in the hands of Scotty who Batman would take care of by boomtubing in a case of scotch. Now Kirk’s Enterprise is in the hands of an inebriated Scotsman who’s busy beating the tar out of McCoy for, damnit, being a doctor, not a second-in-command or foot massager! And now that Enterprise is out of the fight. 1)Kirk doesn’t need a Playboy. He is a Playboy (something that rich prick Batman will never understand). > [@](#): > > Next we have the Enterprise being run by Scott Bakula. Batman would simply Boomtube in with a TV and VCR and show the crew Bakula’s acting in Lord of Illusions. At this point the crew would revolt and rally behind Batman, just 'cause of his cool costume. 2)Any mental damage caused by Lord of Illusions could easy be repaired by Quantum Leap. The show is infectious. Will he ever make it home? Can one man make a difference? These are the great questions of our time. Even Batman will probably find himself writing fan fiction. > [@](#): > > That moves us to Picard’s Enterprise, the most difficult (relatively speaking) fight. 3)Capture of Picard’s Enterprise is entirely dependant on the capture of Bakula’s. See #2. If Batman fails to capture all the starships in your scenario, his ill-considered plan is doomed. 4)You forgot to mention the deadly and powerful Enterprise Rent-A-Car. Again, Batman is helpless. They’re so expensive and he would have to wait in line forever at the airport. ---
**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508/35 "2003-04-10T18:52:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Monstre \* > \*\*Okay, then just for **SPOOFE** , what about a thread that pits Batman against the various Star Wars ships? Who wins there? 😃 \*\* Shit, the Star Wars ships can’t even beat _Enterprise_, no matter how many facts SPOOFE makes up. Since Bats already captured all of the _Enterprises_, he’d mop up. By the time Darth even had the thought “I’ll do this neato force thingy with my hands and strangle him”, Bats would have kicked his ass unconsious. SPOOFE, you had to pick the one plot/technobabble conflict that actually makes sense, didn’t you? The reason the first attack failed was that the Borg had assimilated Picard and all of his knowledge, they knew what was going to be done and how to defend against it. The second attack caught them by suprise. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508/36 "2003-04-10T22:52:37Z")
Quoth **Asylum** : > [@](#): > > This leaves the Ship in the hands of Scotty who Batman would take care of by boomtubing in a case of scotch. Now Kirk’s Enterprise is in the hands of an inebriated Scotsman who’s busy beating the tar out of McCoy for, damnit, being a doctor, not a second-in-command or foot massager! And now that Enterprise is out of the fight. Critical mistake, there. You don’t incapacitate Scotty by getting him _drunk_, you incapacitate him by getting him _sober_. Drunk Scotty is the second-most powerful force in the Universe, second only to Torn-Shirt Kirk. Now, if he had some Bat-Sobriety Pills, that might work, if you could figure out how to trick Scotty to take them. But get Scotty drunk, and Cap’n, Batman won’t be able to take much more of this. ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508/37 "2003-04-10T23:04:13Z")
> [@](#): > > Shit, the Star Wars ships can’t even beat Enterprise, no matter how many facts SPOOFE makes up. I didn’t write the AOTC: ICS book, did I? 😃 > [@](#): > > SPOOFE, you had to pick the one plot/technobabble conflict that actually makes sense, didn’t you? The reason the first attack failed was that the Borg had assimilated Picard and all of his knowledge, they knew what was going to be done and how to defend against it. The second attack caught them by suprise. Wrong episode, Davey. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508/38 "2003-04-10T23:11:33Z")
Goliath: “I don’t know, Davy… God wouldn’t like Batman and Enterprise to fight. Because The Lord died for all of them. Or was that Trelane?” ---
**Author:** ![The\_Peyote\_Coyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5f8ce5/32.png) [@The\_Peyote\_Coyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Peyote_Coyote)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508/39 "2003-04-10T23:16:03Z")
There’s no way in hell Bats can cope with technology a couple of centures more advanced than his knowledge, and Lt. Commander “What tricks are the writers going to invent this week, making the Vulcans half as powerful as God?” Spock would remember some wierd technique to incapacitate Batman. Furthermore, Shang Chi can kick Bats’ ass all over the place in half a comice book, then devote the rest of the book to gazing into Leiko Wu’s eyes and meditating on the ironies that drive a man of peace to live a life of such violence. ---
**Author:** ![Terrifel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c68b51/32.png) [@Terrifel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrifel)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508/40 "2003-04-11T03:26:09Z")
Of course, the Enterprise is the flagship of the Federation, and has gone up against the worst foes the Galaxy has to offer. Batman, on the other hand, has his ass handed to him by a clown on a fairly regular basis. True, in the end he generally comes out on top, but often it takes several issues, and more often than not a horde of bystanders and/or allies are maimed or killed in the process. It’s been pointed out that Batman is able to serve alongside Superman and the other heavyweights on the Justice League, despite having no powers himself. However, this seems more than a bit suspicious. What, in fact, is Batman’s role on the team? Could it be that his presence is simply to allay humanity’s fear about the existence of a superpowered elite? After all, when the JLA goes into action against Starro or whoever, where’s Batman? “Oh, he’s planning our strategies from a distance,” claim the Justice Leaguers disingenuously. “He’s hiding in shadows, that’s his job, he’s Batman.” Is it all just a put-up job? Let’s face it, Batman is clearly stretched to his limit when battling guys like the Penguin; is the JLA seriously going to trust him to come up with a world-saving battle plan? If, on the other hand, the OP was asking about the _television series_ “Batman” vs. “Enterprise,”, Batman wins hands down on the basis of Julie Newmar alone. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-enterprise-vs-batman/167508.md?page=3)