# The etiquette of the orgy (TMI)
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-etiquette-of-the-orgy-tmi/201273
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [September 12, 2003, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-etiquette-of-the-orgy-tmi/201273 "2003-09-12T20:05:42Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)
#### Post date: [September 12, 2003, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-etiquette-of-the-orgy-tmi/201273/1 "2003-09-12T20:05:42Z")
So I went to my first orgy last night, and I think I may have committed a faux pas or two, as I realize I have no idea of good orgy etiquette. On the off-chance that I get invited to another one, and without getting too graphic, I have some questions for those who have gone there before me. Keep in mind that it was all boys so those responses will be most useful, but if your boy-girl advice seems universal or relevant, feel free.
What if you’re not really that into one or more of the participants sexually? Should you tell them (gently of course) so they leave you alone? Should you allow them to do things to you without doing them back or is that rude? Is it polite to “cut in” so to speak? Should you try to spend about an equal amount of time with each person or is it OK to sort of stick with one or two favorites?
I’m sure your responses will enlighten and inform and lead to more questions, so I await them eagerly!
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### Author:  [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)
#### Post date: [September 12, 2003, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-etiquette-of-the-orgy-tmi/201273/2 "2003-09-12T20:19:04Z")
Not interested? A simple “No, thanks.” should be enough. If it isn’t, the other parties being too pushy.
It is generally considered a little rude to be strictly passive. You may come off as an energy vampire (as I’ve heard it called).
Don’t feel compelled to spread the wealth (or participate at all) if no one there interests you.
All of the above applies to the male/female socials I’ve attended, but I’d assume they apply to same sex events as well.
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### Author:  [@dorkusmalorkusmafia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dorkusmalorkusmafia)
#### Post date: [September 12, 2003, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-etiquette-of-the-orgy-tmi/201273/3 "2003-09-12T20:47:12Z")
Don’t play with people you want to play with. Sitting back and watching is ok. If two people are really involved with eachother, don’t assume you are welcome, or unwelcome. Feeling up another while they are playing can be welcome and hot; however, if you get the cold shoulder or they ignore you, go along your way.
Usually non-verbal clues are enough to get the uglies away; although, sometimes you have to be blunt. One of my friends told me about his worst experience where he literally had to throw the asshole who wouldn’t take no for an answer to the ground before it finally went through his head that no means no.
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### Author:  [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)
#### Post date: [September 12, 2003, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-etiquette-of-the-orgy-tmi/201273/4 "2003-09-12T21:21:55Z")
If you’re a member of [Nerve.com](http://Nerve.com) (free registration, zero harassment), [one column](http://www.nerve.com/regulars/ididitforscience/orgy/) is entirely about attending an orgy and the various rules and courtesies expected of those who participate. Might be helpful.
> [@](#):
>
> Don’t play with people you want to play with.
Really?
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### Author:  [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)
#### Post date: [September 12, 2003, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-etiquette-of-the-orgy-tmi/201273/5 "2003-09-12T21:52:33Z")
😕 Never having been to one, I’m just curious. Do orgies just happen, or are they planned out? I mean, do you get ready to go out knowing you are going to wind up at an orgy, or do they develop gradually as the night goes on?😕
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### Author:  [@vibrotronica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vibrotronica)
#### Post date: [September 12, 2003, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-etiquette-of-the-orgy-tmi/201273/6 "2003-09-12T22:02:59Z")
I should have such problems!
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### Author:  [@mojave66](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mojave66)
#### Post date: [September 12, 2003, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-etiquette-of-the-orgy-tmi/201273/7 "2003-09-12T22:53:21Z")
Someone please tell me that if I pray hard enough Baby Jesus will let me be a hunky gay man in my next life. Please.
😃
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### Author:  [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)
#### Post date: [September 13, 2003, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-etiquette-of-the-orgy-tmi/201273/8 "2003-09-13T00:43:38Z")
In my experience they’re usually planned.
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### Author:  [@elfbabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfbabe)
#### Post date: [September 13, 2003, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-etiquette-of-the-orgy-tmi/201273/9 "2003-09-13T01:38:43Z")
Well, **Casey1505** , [to answer your question](http://www.theonion.com/onion3814/orgy_logistical_nightmare.html)…
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### Author:  [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)
#### Post date: [September 13, 2003, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-etiquette-of-the-orgy-tmi/201273/10 "2003-09-13T02:25:08Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Casey1505 \*
> \*\*😕 Never having been to one, I’m just curious. Do orgies just happen, or are they planned out? I mean, do you get ready to go out knowing you are going to wind up at an orgy, or do they develop gradually as the night goes on?😕 \*\*
Yes, and yes, and yes, and yes.
The more spontaneous ones usually involve a substantial amount of alcohol and/or drugs. And some of the more “formal” ones often involve a long littany of rules and bylaws (which are invariably broken). The bottom line is that you’re still dealing with individuals with individual likes and dislikes. And you’re also dealing with issues of safety and responsibility. Relax and have a good time, and if things get out of control in a bad way, it’s perfectly ok to leave.
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### Author:  [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)
#### Post date: [September 13, 2003, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-etiquette-of-the-orgy-tmi/201273/11 "2003-09-13T02:57:53Z")
Really, just curious…do you send out invitations? “Next Friday, 8:30, Dave’s house, we’re having an orgy. Please bring your favorite desert.” I don’t want to sound like I’m mocking it, but how much planning actually goes into hosting an orgy? Does the host get first dibs on who he or she has sex with first? Is it all intercourse, or is it mostly foreplay and fondling? This is kind of fascinating, actually, not that I’d join one, necessarily…
I appreciate your patience with my ignorance and curiosity on this topic.
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### Author:  [@Garfield226](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Garfield226)
#### Post date: [September 13, 2003, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-etiquette-of-the-orgy-tmi/201273/12 "2003-09-13T04:04:01Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Casey1505 \*
> **Really, just curious…do you send out invitations? "Next Friday, 8:30, Dave’s house, we’re having an orgy. Please bring your favorite desert."**
I hope **Casey1505** brings his Mojave Surprise again, it’s just _divine_.
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### Author:  [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)
#### Post date: [September 13, 2003, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-etiquette-of-the-orgy-tmi/201273/13 "2003-09-13T04:10:03Z")
Yeah? You like that, don’t you? Tell me, how much do you like it?
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### Author:  [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)
#### Post date: [September 13, 2003, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-etiquette-of-the-orgy-tmi/201273/14 "2003-09-13T04:11:08Z")
What the hell did I just post?!?!
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### Author:  [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)
#### Post date: [September 13, 2003, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-etiquette-of-the-orgy-tmi/201273/15 "2003-09-13T05:33:04Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Casey1505 \*
> \*\*What the hell did I just post?!?! \*\*
Maybe it’s cause you were typing one-handed? 😛
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### Author:  [@Turbo\_Dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turbo_Dog)
#### Post date: [September 13, 2003, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-etiquette-of-the-orgy-tmi/201273/16 "2003-09-13T14:17:20Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Casey1505 \*
> **do you send out invitations?**
You can, and many people do. Since the people you would normally be inviting are into that type of thing, what will be happening is normally said with a bit more flair than “having an orgy”. A suggestive line gets the point across that they aren’t coming over for a BBQ with the Christian neighbors. “Orgy” type people do actually get together for everyday things, so it is good form to let them know if it is an adult party or a kid’s birthday.
The host/ess has no more rights than anybody else, except that they set the ground rules for the home and remind people of the standard ettiquette. No means no. Whether or not observers are allowed, protection rules if any, etc. They are also responsible for making sure everyone follows the rules and ask people to leave if necessary.
Jumping into something that is going on is generally improper, assuming you don’t know each other. While some don’t mind if you do, some may not appreciate it. Best to make eye contact with them and a couple of head movements will let you ask and then know if you can join in or not.
If it feels uncomfortable, don’t do it. You don’t have to be with anyone you don’t want to and you are not obligated to share with all. If you think it might make someone else feel uncomfortable, don’t do it. Just because a pile of people may be going at it, doesn’t give you a green light to jump in unannounced. Think of it like a poker game. Asking to be dealt in is never improper, but just pulling up a chair or standing over someone’s shoulder looking at their cards is very bad form. Err on the side of general good manners and you’ll be fine.
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### Author:  [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)
#### Post date: [September 13, 2003, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-etiquette-of-the-orgy-tmi/201273/17 "2003-09-13T15:03:36Z")
In my case, it started as an invite to play strip poker.
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### Author:  [@Turbo\_Dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turbo_Dog)
#### Post date: [September 13, 2003, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-etiquette-of-the-orgy-tmi/201273/18 "2003-09-13T15:22:19Z")
Strip, followed by nekkid dare poker (high hand dares low hand to do something to someone) is the greatest icebreaker there is. Gives everyone a chance to slowly work up to things and see who is comfy around who and what they are comfy doing.
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### Author:  [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)
#### Post date: [September 13, 2003, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-etiquette-of-the-orgy-tmi/201273/19 "2003-09-13T15:30:32Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Jonathan Chance \*
> \*\*In my experience they’re usually planned. \*\*
Perhaps you are thinking of doing one at your house soon? Cause you have my email. 😃
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### Author:  [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)
#### Post date: [September 13, 2003, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-etiquette-of-the-orgy-tmi/201273/20 "2003-09-13T15:36:13Z")
Well, I went to a party, and what did they do?
They took off their socks and they took off their shoes.
They took off their shirts and they took off their pants,
I had a hunch we weren’t going to dance…
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