# The Fart of the Apocalypse **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 16, 2005, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fart-of-the-apocalypse/331319 "2005-11-16T16:05:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Broken\_Wind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Broken\_Wind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broken_Wind)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fart-of-the-apocalypse/331319/1 "2005-11-16T16:05:02Z")
Oh. My. God. I’m off sick today due to some gastrointestinal distress combined with the bug that my all-to-friendly co-worker spewed onto me the other day (JOHN - I hate you!!!) I just farted (loud and proud, thank you very much). Holy Mother of All Things Holy. It stank like nothing I have ever experienced before. I wouldn’t be writing if it wasn’t some other-worldly, Twilight Zone-worthy, ET-like-scientists-arriving-from-FEMA-in-contamination-suits stank. I was amazed (and dazed - still somewhat confused) at how pungent my insides can make the outsides. This was the stink biscuit extraordinaire. I pretty much followed my regular eating regime, so I’m thinking the foulness is definitely illness-related. Anyone else care to share (so to speak) their flatulence factotums? ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fart-of-the-apocalypse/331319/2 "2005-11-16T16:29:03Z")
I think you should have chosen a different user name. ---
**Author:** ![MissTake](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misstake/32/3189_2.png) [@MissTake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissTake)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fart-of-the-apocalypse/331319/3 "2005-11-16T17:18:25Z")
> [@Ellen Cherry](#): > > I think you should have chosen a different user name. I was thinking the same thing. Not a tale of my gastro-intestinal woe, but rather being the victim of my nephew’s stanky ass. LilMiss, myself, my sister, and my nephew had gone to see a movie after dining at a particular buffet style restaurant (OCB). We’re driving home, chatting about the movie when my nephew quietly giggles (he was 20 at the time - and giggling like a little girl). Aw hell. We start rolling down the windows, but it was too late. The ghost of Old Country Buffet reared it’s nasty head and decided to suffocate us going 60 down the freeway. Words cannot describe the rancidness of the air. The open windows weren’t clearing the stank. We had to pull over to the side of the road and air ourselves and the truck. LilMiss and I were gagging, tears rolling down our faces. My sister was dry heaving while simultaneously yelling at her son. And my nephew? Just sat back and laughed. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fart-of-the-apocalypse/331319/4 "2005-11-16T17:20:48Z")
George Carlin once riffed on “a fart… that could _end a marriage_.” Sounds like you had one of those. Do you have a dog to blame these on? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Duckster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duckster/32/1244_2.png) [@Duckster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duckster)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fart-of-the-apocalypse/331319/5 "2005-11-16T17:27:04Z")
1. At a friends place. About 3,000 square feet of space he shared with roommates. We had home-made spaghetti. I cleared out the entire house. All these years later I’m still proud of it. I never did get the recipe from him. Been many an occasion where it would have come in handy. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![buttonjockey308](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@buttonjockey308](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buttonjockey308)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fart-of-the-apocalypse/331319/6 "2005-11-16T17:39:08Z")
O, have I a tale for you… A time ago, I wandered downstairs to check my daily digital correspondence. I sat at yon terminal, leaned back in my chair and began a-typing. Suddenly, from the depths of my very soul came a pain of extraordinary measure, and with some immediacy I began to sweat. The furious nature of the pain began take hold, and migrated to my chest and upper abdomen. Being a rescuer of persons in distress my own self, I took this as a sign that there was trouble afoot. Perhaps, I thought, I was having the Big One™. I leaned forward and reached for the telephone, to summon medical assistance from my brothers and sisters, I began to dial, first 9, then 1, and then, with no warning what-so-ever, and with all due audacity, let loose an air biscuit that to this day echos in the tiny space of the first floor of my tiny abode. It was a rapacious BBBRRRRAAAAAPPPPAAAADAAAPPAPAAAADAPA gastrointestinal concerto that went on, with no embellishment, for a solid 15 count, with minor aftershocks following. After which the pain and sweating subsided, and I went about my merry way, living to correspond another day. Epilogue: The first floor now has a new coat of paint. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fart-of-the-apocalypse/331319/7 "2005-11-16T17:45:27Z")
I accidentally Taser farted a 5 year old Snow White last weekend. Next time I’ll know not to mix Crybaby jalapenos and mimosas because all that does is combine bad gas will a sleepy anus and, unfortunately for all the birthday princesses in attendance, eject the mix out nose high to a kid. You know how sometimes it seems youngsters just start crying for no reason? Well, maybe they have one. ---
**Author:** ![mack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mack)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fart-of-the-apocalypse/331319/8 "2005-11-16T18:22:18Z")
At least your farts have a beginning and an end. This woman I work with seems to have a perpetual leakage. At first I was in a small room with her and another woman and I couldn’t figure out who had the gas. But then she popped into my office followed by her fart & perfume smell (can’t beat that!), then I had a meeting with my boss, who’s office the farter had just come from. The office was unbearable and my boss had left to go have a cigarette I assumed. I waited for the air to clear before venturing out again. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fart-of-the-apocalypse/331319/9 "2005-11-16T18:27:01Z")
> [@](#): > > I cleared out the entire house. Several years ago my family and I were cleaning up my back yard after a kid’s birthday party. For perspective purposes, my back yard is about 3/4 of a acre. My uncle’s ass suddenly issued forth the gaseous equivilent of a nuclear bomb. We all had to run _inside_ to escape the stench. That’s right, he cleared the entire outdoors! ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fart-of-the-apocalypse/331319/10 "2005-11-16T18:33:25Z")
A doctor once gave my colon a good search. In order to do this, I had to go 24 hours without eating and then he _inflated me with air_. Yes, the air had to come back out through the shortest route. So when I sat down in my car as I was leaving, I let out a fart that lasted _45 seconds straight_. Yes, I counted. The saving grace was that there was no smell since I was “Clean” from the lack of food. But wow. 45 seconds. ---
**Author:** ![Broken\_Wind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Broken\_Wind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broken_Wind)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fart-of-the-apocalypse/331319/11 "2005-11-16T18:44:26Z")
> [@Doctor Jackson](#): > > Several years ago my family and I were cleaning up my back yard after a kid’s birthday party. For perspective purposes, my back yard is about 3/4 of a acre. My uncle’s ass suddenly issued forth the gaseous equivilent of a nuclear bomb. We all had to run _inside_ to escape the stench. That’s right, he cleared the entire outdoors! I just snotted myself reading this. No wet fart though. (It was funny, but it wasn’t _that_ funny.) 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Broken\_Wind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Broken\_Wind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broken_Wind)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fart-of-the-apocalypse/331319/12 "2005-11-16T18:53:07Z")
> [@Hypno-Toad](#): > > But wow. 45 seconds. I ass-ume that Guinness has a world record for lengthy farts, but I think you’d be in the ‘running’ for this one. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Goob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c77e96/32.png) [@Mr.Goob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Goob)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fart-of-the-apocalypse/331319/13 "2005-11-16T18:58:10Z")
Years ago I worked with some sick bastards. When we would work the overnight shift they would try to out do each other. I saw many dinners of cabbage, sausage, beans, boiled eggs and the ilk. Me, if I eat a lot of shrimp I smell so bad I can gag myself out of my own car. ---
**Author:** ![Broken\_Wind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Broken\_Wind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broken_Wind)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fart-of-the-apocalypse/331319/14 "2005-11-16T19:05:40Z")
> [@Mr. Goob](#): > > Years ago I worked with some sick bastards. When we would work the overnight shift they would try to out do each other. I saw many dinners of cabbage, sausage, beans, boiled eggs and the ilk. > > Me, if I eat a lot of shrimp I smell so bad I can gag myself out of my own car. A veritalbe ‘shitfest’ then??? Ugghh. Disugting. Me? Mexican - hands down. Me likey the Mexican but the Mexican don’t like me. ---
**Author:** ![Broken\_Wind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Broken\_Wind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broken_Wind)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fart-of-the-apocalypse/331319/15 "2005-11-16T19:10:43Z")
> [@Broken Wind](#): > > A veritalbe ‘shitfest’ then??? > > Ugghh. Disugting. > > Me? Mexican - hands down. Me likey the Mexican but the Mexican don’t like me. veritable :wally ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fart-of-the-apocalypse/331319/16 "2005-11-16T19:10:55Z")
> [@Broken Wind](#): > > A veritalbe ‘shitfest’ then??? > > Ugghh. Disugting. Ivylad was posted to a submarine when he was in the Navy. They used to rate farts, based on loudness, odor, lingering quality, and length. It was a source of pride to him that he managed to clear out the sonar shack one memorable day. Guys can be so icky. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Broken\_Wind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Broken\_Wind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broken_Wind)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fart-of-the-apocalypse/331319/17 "2005-11-16T19:17:52Z")
> [@Broken Wind](#): > > veritable :wally Disugting?!?! Og, I’m losing it… I meant _disgusting_ for all of you keeping points at home… \<\\> ---
**Author:** ![Broken\_Wind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Broken\_Wind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broken_Wind)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fart-of-the-apocalypse/331319/18 "2005-11-16T19:30:08Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > Ivylad was posted to a submarine when he was in the Navy. They used to rate farts, based on loudness, odor, lingering quality, and length. It was a source of pride to him that he managed to clear out the sonar shack one memorable day. > > Guys can be so icky. 😉 True, but what makes them so ‘icky’? The ‘pull my finger’ mentality or the ‘smell it’ mentality? Agreed, the two seem to go hand in hand, but I’d much rather pull someoneone’s finger than have to smell it afterward. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fart-of-the-apocalypse/331319/19 "2005-11-16T19:33:01Z")
The fact that men can find farts so amusing. Don’t get me wrong, I love my men, but I’d be completely and irrevocably humiliated if I cut one loose in public. Which I don’t. Ever. ---
**Author:** ![Broken\_Wind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Broken\_Wind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broken_Wind)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fart-of-the-apocalypse/331319/20 "2005-11-16T19:35:00Z")
> [@Broken Wind](#): > > someoneone’s finger I _knew_ that didn’t look right. _Someone’s_, dammit… [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fart-of-the-apocalypse/331319.md?page=2)