# The FBI opens its "Zero Files" (Spooky Theme!) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 30, 2003, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fbi-opens-its-zero-files-spooky-theme/216095 "2003-11-30T19:30:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2003, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fbi-opens-its-zero-files-spooky-theme/216095/1 "2003-11-30T19:30:08Z")
I just spotted this on Fark. I figured people here would appreciate it. The FBI apparently let the San Francisco Chronicle poke through its “Zero Files” where it keeps the stuff from…well, the nutters. [Link.](http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2003/11/30/BAGTO3D4VH1.DTL) > [@](#): > > I had a visit yesterday from two gentlemen who said they were from the SECRET SERVICE! They were looking for the HAMBURGLAR who said the PRESIDENT might choke on a CHEESEBURGER on AIR FORCE ONE! No wonder they can’t balance a TRILLION DOLLAR BUDGET in DC, they have to check out all the MCDONALDS in AMERICA for the DEADLY CHEESEBURGER that might KILL the PRESIDENT! This is not a JOKE! > [@](#): > > It’s almost like being a social worker when you’re on the desk," LeFranchise said. "There’s probably been at least three or four times . . . where I’ve just had to say, ‘Look, sir, you need to seek clinical or psychiatric help.’ "-- – -- This is a fascinating article, though I do pity the agents that have to go through this stuff. ---
**Author:** ![Etherman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/958977/32.png) [@Etherman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Etherman)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2003, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fbi-opens-its-zero-files-spooky-theme/216095/2 "2003-12-01T01:22:34Z")
> [@](#): > > Imagine, one expert said, what the CIA has in its version of the Zero Files. I’d pay money to see some of those. I bet both organizations have some bizzare stuff tho. Wonder if they’d let someone have some of them for a book, that’d be a good read. ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2003, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fbi-opens-its-zero-files-spooky-theme/216095/3 "2003-12-01T02:49:17Z")
That’d be great! They wouldn’t even have to do that much, just put a bunch together and have someone write a little introduction. ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2003, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fbi-opens-its-zero-files-spooky-theme/216095/4 "2003-12-01T03:17:17Z")
> [@](#): > > I had a visit yesterday from two gentlemen who said they were from the SECRET SERVICE! They were looking for the HAMBURGLAR who said the PRESIDENT might choke on a CHEESEBURGER on AIR FORCE ONE! No wonder they can’t balance a TRILLION DOLLAR BUDGET in DC, they have to check out all the MCDONALDS in AMERICA for the DEADLY CHEESEBURGER that might KILL the PRESIDENT! This is not a JOKE I wonder if the Hamburglar and FORMER\_AGENT are in cahoots. ---
**Author:** ![ReuvenB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9fc348/32.png) [@ReuvenB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReuvenB)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2003, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fbi-opens-its-zero-files-spooky-theme/216095/5 "2003-12-01T20:45:07Z")
Nope. It’s definitely the work of **I Scream in Darkness**. I mean, the only thing missing is Super Mexico and Mothman. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fbi-opens-its-zero-files-spooky-theme/216095/6 "2003-12-02T01:06:45Z")
Man, I’d hate to be on the team that’s responsible for picking through these things and separating them from the anonymous tips containing actual information. ---
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fbi-opens-its-zero-files-spooky-theme/216095/7 "2003-12-02T01:49:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by XWalrus2 \* > \*\*Nope. It’s definitely the work of **I Scream in Darkness**. I mean, the only thing missing is Super Mexico and Mothman. \*\* Wow! You’re right! It even has the random words capitalized! If only there was random colors, also. I think the FBI and the SDMB should pool resources and get to the bottom of this mess. ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fbi-opens-its-zero-files-spooky-theme/216095/8 "2003-12-02T03:29:18Z")
Maybe there are random colors, but the reporter didn’t put those in? ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 7:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fbi-opens-its-zero-files-spooky-theme/216095/9 "2003-12-02T07:06:12Z")
I, too, would enjoy seeing a book about The Zero Files. In fact, I could probably do it if I had the time (and enough luck to successfully peddle it to a publisher). All you’d need is to issue some FOIA requests\* and, once the FBI dumped the stuff on you (I’m seeing reams of haphazardly organized, multiply-photocopied dead tree-stuff in manila envelopes bearing formibable return addresses), spend months to years sifting through it, organizing everything and getting it typeset, and writing the interstitials. There’s little actual skill invovled, as I see it, mainly just a matter of having enough time and resources. \*(To our non-US Dopers: FOIA is the Freedom of Information Act, the piece of legislation that is aimed at making governmental institutions generally more open. Instead of, say, keeping fifty-year-old mess hall records under strict security.) ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2003, 8:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fbi-opens-its-zero-files-spooky-theme/216095/10 "2003-12-02T08:46:30Z")
I’d love to do something like it, but doubt, “Hi, I’m a no-name author who’d like to compile a book on the nutters who write to the FBI!” would get a publisher all hot and bothered.