# The fucking ants are back! A song. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [July 25, 2008, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fucking-ants-are-back-a-song/457688 "2008-07-25T01:21:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2008, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fucking-ants-are-back-a-song/457688/1 "2008-07-25T01:21:46Z")
The ants are marching one by one hurrah, hurrah A month ago I thought they were done hurrah, hurrah I baited and trapped and cleaned and sprayed Used every product manufactured by Raid And thought I’d killed them all, them all, them all Bum-dum-dum The ants are marching two by two hurrah, hurrah I figured they were totally screwed hurrah, hurrah I may have killed a million or more But look who’s walking across my floor And I thought I’d killed them all, them all, them all Bum-dum-dum The ants are marching three by three hurrah, hurrah We were trying to sell our house you see hurrah, hurrah But an invasion of Formicidae Could cause buyers to scream and flee And I thought I’d killed them all, them all, them all Bum-dum-dum The ants are marching four by four hurrah, hurrah Hexapedal creatures I firmly abhor hurrah, hurrah Just like last time, they’re swarming my desk An experience truly Kafkaesque And I thought I’d killed them all, them all, them all Bum-dum-dum The ants are marching five by five hurrah, hurrah I thought that I’d left none alive hurrah, hurrah But thirty days later they’re back inside By dozens it seems, my traps they’d defied And I thought I’d killed them all, them all, them all Bum-dum-dum The ants are marching six by six hurrah, hurrah But I’m going to wipe out the little pricks hurrah, hurrah I’ll get even more products for killing bugs If that doesn’t work I’ll just take more drugs 'Cause I thought I’d killed them aallllllllllll ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2008, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fucking-ants-are-back-a-song/457688/2 "2008-07-25T02:04:51Z")
_golf claps_ I feel your pain. After months of fruitlessly trying to get rid of a nasty carpenter ant infestation, we finally called in the pros. After four separate visits, they seem to have finally taken care of the problem. I hope. Little fuckers. (The ants, not the exterminators.) ---
**Author:** ![Orbifold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/779978/32.png) [@Orbifold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orbifold)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2008, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fucking-ants-are-back-a-song/457688/3 "2008-07-25T03:37:55Z")
Been there. Around April we discovered a nasty infestation in our bathroom. It seemed a colony had moved into our walls and every time one of us took a shower a black stream of ants came out of the walls and marched around the bathroom ceiling. Another group of ants discovered how to get into the dishwasher and from there onto the kitchen counters. And remember it’s winter here; this was supposed to be their dormant period. We were reluctant to use anything particularly poisonous in the house–my wife has asthma and we own a cat, and most poison delivery methods are unsafe for one or the other–but we finally admitted that the covered baits weren’t doing squat and called an exterminator three weeks ago. The ants aren’t all dead, but they’ve stopped swarming and mostly seem to come out of the walls now when they’re about to die on our bathroom floor. Every week I sweep up a fresh collection of ant corpses. It’s creepy but oddly satisfying. Of course in a few months it will be summer here again and I expect the ants to return then. Did you know that in 2004 a “super-colony” of Argentinian ants 100km across was discovered under the city of Melbourne? Whee! ---
**Author:** ![Mighty\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7bcc69/32.png) [@Mighty\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mighty_Girl)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2008, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fucking-ants-are-back-a-song/457688/4 "2008-07-25T03:50:33Z")
So, are we neighbors? I love your song. Warm the cockles of my heart, it does. Reminds me of one the reasons I am glad we sold our home. Of course, with our luck, our new home is probably being built over the world’s biggest roach colony. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![blondebear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blondebear/32/1022_2.png) [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2008, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fucking-ants-are-back-a-song/457688/5 "2008-07-25T04:23:39Z")
My favorite ant-inspired song is by Henry Mancini (to the tune of _“The Pink Panther”_) _Dead ant, dead ant, Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, Dead ant, D–e--a–ddd a–nnnnnnnnnnn–tttt…_ ---
**Author:** ![thirdwarning](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecccb3/32.png) [@thirdwarning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thirdwarning)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2008, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fucking-ants-are-back-a-song/457688/6 "2008-07-25T06:16:03Z")
Been singing that one a lot around here lately. I’d like to have more reason to sing it, though. ---
**Author:** ![Lionne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Lionne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lionne)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2008, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fucking-ants-are-back-a-song/457688/7 "2008-07-25T13:37:40Z")
This one’s going on my refrigerator! ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2008, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fucking-ants-are-back-a-song/457688/8 "2008-07-25T13:48:52Z")
Nice job **RickJay** and personnally I am sick of those mutherfucking ants on my motherfucking floor! I’ve had some partial success with borax. ---
**Author:** ![Projammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/projammer/32/559_2.png) [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2008, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fucking-ants-are-back-a-song/457688/9 "2008-07-25T14:51:42Z")
Nuke em from orbit. It’s the only way to almost be sure. ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2008, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fucking-ants-are-back-a-song/457688/10 "2008-07-25T15:00:45Z")
[QUOTE=Projammer] Nuke em from orbit. It’s the only way to almost be sure. [/QUOTE] A little rough on the house though. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2008, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fucking-ants-are-back-a-song/457688/11 "2008-07-25T15:48:47Z")
[QUOTE=Projammer] Nuke em from orbit. It’s the only way to almost be sure. [/QUOTE] According to one source I read, ants comprise between ten to fifteen percent of the total mass of all the animals on the entire planet. (e.g. not counting plants or single-celled life forms.) Think about that. There are not only more ants, but simply more ANT than there are humans, whales, or anything else you’d call an animal. At any given time there are at least a quadrillion ants in the world; that’s 1,000,000,000,000,000. That’s the LOW estimate. They are, basically, the most successful animal ever. I plan to change that, if just a little. ---
**Author:** ![Pixilated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/aeb1de/32.png) [@Pixilated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pixilated)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2008, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fucking-ants-are-back-a-song/457688/12 "2008-07-25T15:54:46Z")
[QUOTE=What Exit?] A little rough on the house though. 😉 [/QUOTE] I always wanted a new house… go ahead, Projammer, nike 'em 😉 ummm, but please wait til we’re out of the house and let me know in advance so I can at least save my 'puters. ---
**Author:** ![Demo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/demo/32/8472_2.png) [@Demo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Demo)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2008, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fucking-ants-are-back-a-song/457688/13 "2008-07-25T17:46:45Z")
Brilliant. I totally feel your pain as well. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2008, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fucking-ants-are-back-a-song/457688/14 "2008-07-25T19:01:45Z")
I think they must live in the unfinished part of my basement crawlspace. Those fuckers are always sending scouts into about every room of my house. And they hang out in the sunroom in the back, which has no food, no water, just white ceramic tile and a few pieces of furniture. WHAT DO YOU WANT? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2008, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fucking-ants-are-back-a-song/457688/15 "2008-07-25T19:28:26Z")
The ants are marching by the seven, hurrah, hurrah, Though I send their hordes to insect heaven, hurrah, hurrah I’m carpet-bombing the whole house with Borax 'Cause of the awful things it does to an ant’s thorax And I think I’ve killed them all, them all, them all Bum-dum-dum The ants are marching eight by eight, hurrah, hurrah Last night they stormed my dinner plate, hurrah, hurrah I wonder what chilis and Tabasco do, If ants hate curries and vindaloo, Perhaps I can diet them them all down to size, to size, to size Bum-dum-dum The ants are marching nine by nine, hurrah, hurrah I think I’m steadily losing my mind, hurrah, hurrah The latest trail traces back to the porch I’ll give 'em a taste of my acetyline torch I think I’ll just burn them all, them all, them all Bum-dum-dum There’s not a trace left of the ants anymore, hurrah, hurrah 'Cause the whole house went up in blazes galore, hurrah, hurrah When I told my sad story to the authorities They handcuffed me and called me _non compos mentis_ This hospital’s quite nice, but for the ants I spotted in the hall. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2008, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-fucking-ants-are-back-a-song/457688/16 "2008-07-26T06:22:57Z")
[QUOTE=Pixilated] I always wanted a new house… go ahead, Projammer, nike 'em 😉 [/QUOTE] Just Do It? 😃