# The Funniest Joke You Ever Heard. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 11, 2003, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250 "2003-12-11T02:02:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/21 "2003-12-11T17:54:57Z")
Q: How many kids with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) does it take to change a light bulb? A: Lets go ride bikes! ---
**Author:** ![ThePyroWeasel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/54ee81/32.png) [@ThePyroWeasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThePyroWeasel)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/22 "2003-12-11T19:27:22Z")
Q: How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb? A: YOU DON’T KNOW! YOU WEREN’T THERE! So a priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says “What is this, some kind of joke?” ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/23 "2003-12-11T19:42:10Z")
A man walks up to a bartender and says, “I bet you $100 you can put a shot glass anywhere on this bar and I can pee into it and not spill a drop.” “You’re on,” says the bartender. He puts the shot glass all the way at the other end of the bar. The man stands up, unzips his fly, pulls his thing out, and pees _everywhere_. He gets it all over the liquor, all over the bar, and all over the bartender. The bartender smiles and says, “All right, buddy. Pay up.” The man smiles and pulls out $100 and hands it to the bartender. The bartender asks him, “You just lost $100. Why are you so happy?” The man looks at the bartender and says, “Because I just bet those guys over there $500 that I could piss on you and make you smile.” ---
**Author:** ![lovelyluka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f475e1/32.png) [@lovelyluka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lovelyluka)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/24 "2003-12-11T20:05:25Z")
Q: Where did Napoleon keep his armies? A: In his _sleevies!_ BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Kills me every time. ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/25 "2003-12-11T20:13:53Z")
Q; How many radical feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: THAT’S NOT FUNNY!! And, my two favorite “ethnic” jokes: Q: How many white guys does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One. Q: What’s white and eleven inches long? A: Nothing. ---
**Author:** ![LVgeogeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b19c9b/32.png) [@LVgeogeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LVgeogeek)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/26 "2003-12-11T20:14:14Z")
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barkeep gets the drinks and hands it to the neutron. The neutron asks how much does he owe for the drink. The barkeep looks at him and says “neutrons… no charge.” (I know it is a groaner, but still…) ---
**Author:** ![Horrifying\_Howler\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/df788c/32.png) [@Horrifying\_Howler\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horrifying_Howler_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/27 "2003-12-11T20:20:44Z")
Why are there so many Smiths in the phonebook? Because they all have phones! ---
**Author:** ![Noone\_Special](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/noone_special/32/2863_2.png) [@Noone\_Special](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Noone_Special)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/28 "2003-12-11T20:24:37Z")
… Which reminds me of the old _Garfield_ chestnut: (Jon) I wouldn’t say you’re fat, but you have more chins than the Hong-Kong telephone directory! ---
**Author:** ![lastcomic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dc4da7/32.png) [@lastcomic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lastcomic)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/29 "2003-12-11T20:30:00Z")
Here we go: A little boy comes home from school. Mommy says, “what did you do on the way home from school?” The little boy says, “well, on the way home from school, I cut through the park. And I saw Daddy. He was in a car with Aunt Suzy. And he unbuttoned her shirt, and then he took her bra off, and then…” Mommy says “hmph, let’s save the rest of the story for when Daddy comes home for dinner.” The little boy says,“OK Mommy.” Daddy comes home for dinner. Mommy says to the little boy “what did you do on the way home from school?” The little boy says,“well, on the way home from school, I cut through the park. And I saw Daddy. He was in a car with Aunt Suzy. And he unbuttoned her shirt, and then he took her bra off…” And Mommy says,“hmph, and then what happened?” And the little boy says,“and then Daddy and Aunt Suzy started doin’ the same thing that you and Uncle Roy did when Daddy was away in the Army!” ---
**Author:** ![improbably\_blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8dc957/32.png) [@improbably\_blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/improbably_blonde)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/30 "2003-12-11T20:38:22Z")
Little Rascals’ teacher: “Johnny, I bet I can tell you what you had for breakfast - eggs.” Johnny: “Nope, oatmeal.” Teacher: “Don’t fib! I can see egg on your chin.” Johnny (trying to lick chin): “I ain’t lyin’. Eggs was yestidy.” ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/31 "2003-12-11T20:40:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Angua \* > \*\*Once, there was a purple man, who lived in a purple house. One day the purple man decided that he needed a holiday, so on the purple morning, he got out of his purple bed, had a purple shower, got dressed in his purple clothes, and went into his kitchen to have his purple breakfast, and read his purple paper. In the purple paper, he saw an advert for purple holidays. He thought that this was a very good idea, and after breakfast, he got into his purple car, drove into the purple town, and went to the purple travel agents to book his purple holiday. > > A few weeks later, it ws time for him to leave. So, he packed his purple suitcase, drove his purple car to the purple airport, left his purple car in the purple car park, checked in at the purple check-in desk, and soon was sat on a purple plane, getting ready for take off. > > So, the purple plane took off, and soon was flying high above the purple sea. However, at this point, slight disaster struck - one of the purple engines stopped working. The purple captain addressed the passengers and told them not to worry, because the other purple engine still worked. Until disaster struck for a second time, and the other purple engine stopped working, and the purple plane crashed into the purple sea. The purple man, miraculously, survived, and decided to try and swim for dry land. He swam for days and days, until he finally found a purple island. As he rested on the purple island finally, he realised that he had no way of contactin anyone, and that he’d been marooned. > \*\* _sigh_ Where’s the Grapist when you need him? ---
**Author:** ![smoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@smoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smoke)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/32 "2003-12-11T20:45:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by LVgeogeek \* > \*\*The barkeep looks at him and says “neutrons… no charge.” > \*\* It took me **way** too long to get that. Apparently, I’m a moron. ---
**Author:** ![Ilsa\_Lund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a6a055/32.png) [@Ilsa\_Lund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ilsa_Lund)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/33 "2003-12-11T20:49:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by BrotherCadfael \* > \*\*_sigh_ Where’s the Grapist when you need him? \*\* This post has been imitation-graped by the imitiation-Grapist! ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/34 "2003-12-11T21:10:24Z")
Monkey in the jungle does a huge favor for an elephant so the elephant owes him. When the elephant asks how he can repay him, the monkey says he wants to have sex with the elephant. The elephant laughs, thinks “How bad could this be?” and says sure, go ahead. The monkey mounts the elephant from behind and starts going to town. About this time the elephant bumps into a palm tree and a coconut falls out, striking the elephant on the head. When the elephant says “Owww!”, the monkey looks up, smiles and says “Yeah, take it all bitch”. ---
**Author:** ![PbZep](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/58f4c7/32.png) [@PbZep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PbZep)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/35 "2003-12-11T21:17:41Z")
Say “Knock knock” Maybe not the funniest, but works every time. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/36 "2003-12-11T21:51:39Z")
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to fill the bathtub with bright yellow machine tools. * * * And of course, my favorite joke ever: Ask me if I’m a duck. ---
**Author:** ![LVgeogeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b19c9b/32.png) [@LVgeogeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LVgeogeek)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/37 "2003-12-11T22:37:24Z")
An optimist says “the glass is half-full”. A pessimist says “the glass is half-empty”. An engineer says “you need a smaller glass”. ---
**Author:** ![Alexi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Alexi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alexi)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2003, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/38 "2003-12-11T23:56:08Z")
Non-PC: So I’m sitting there swabbing the deck in my squadbay with a few other guys. We start telling jokes to pass the time. Cautiously, a few open up some non-PC jokes, and, as they become more confident that no one will be offended, a few anti-semetic ones. My buddy Goldberg, silent up to this point, cuts in. “You guys really should lay off the Jewish jokes. My grandpa died in a concentration camp,” he says sullenly. The jokesters are aghast! They had no intention of insulting someone with such a past. They lower their eyes to the deck in shame. Goldberg sighs. “Yeah. He fell out of a guard tower.” _drum roll, cymbal clash!_ ========================================= Family Friendly: A rope walks into a bar and hops onto a stool. “Bartender,” he says, “gimme a beer!” The bartender grimaces and jabs his thumb at a nearby sign. “Can’t ya read? No ropes allowed!” The rope hopes down and sadly leaves the bar. Then he gets an idea. He starts wiggling and contorting himself until he’s a tangled jumble. Then he tassles and frays his top. “The bartender will never recognize me now!” So the rope walks back into the bar and hops onto a stool. “Bartender,” he says, “gimme a beer!” The bartender squints his eyes. “Aren’t you that rope I threw out a moment ago?” “Nope,” the rope says, grinning, “I’m a frayed knot!” HAHAHAHAHA!!! OMG!!! ROTFLMAO!!! IM @ |33tz j0kst3r!!!11!! ============================================== PG-13 A mamma mole, pappa mole, and baby mole are sittin’ in their hole. Suddenly, the papa mole sniffs the air. “Why, I think I smell sugar!” He scurries up and props himself in opening of their hole to get a better whiff. The mamma mole exclaims, “No, I smell honey!” She quickly scurries up the hole and jams herself next to pappa mole the get a better whiff. Baby mole, excited, scurries up for a whiff himself. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he says. “All I smell is mole asses!” ---
**Author:** ![bughunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/aeb1de/32.png) [@bughunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bughunter)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2003, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/39 "2003-12-12T00:07:48Z")
[sigh] **PbZeb** : Knock Knock! **Max Torque** : Are you a duck? ---
**Author:** ![Podkayne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Podkayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Podkayne)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2003, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/40 "2003-12-12T01:01:10Z")
'Nother one for you, **smoke** : An ion walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “Why so glum?” The ion sighs and says, “I’ve lost an electron.” The bartender says, “Gee that’s rough. Are you sure you lost it?” The ion nods sullenly. “I’m positive.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250.md?page=3)