# The Funniest Joke You Ever Heard. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 11, 2003, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250 "2003-12-11T02:02:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![bughunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/aeb1de/32.png) [@bughunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bughunter)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2003, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/61 "2003-12-12T19:40:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by PbZep \* > **bughunter says, “Knock knock” > Pb replies, "Who’s there?"** Boo! ---
**Author:** ![hanza](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/eb8c5e/32.png) [@hanza](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hanza)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2003, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/62 "2003-12-12T20:02:17Z")
\*\* Lastcomic\*\*'s joke reminded me of this old gem: One day a women was having a shower, when her young son came into the bathroom. Having never seen his mother naked before, he was curious, and pointing at her pubic hair he asked “Mummy, what’s that between your legs?” The woman, rather embarrassed, replied “Err, that’s my…sponge, darling” A few days later, the woman decided to shave off her pubic hair. She was in the shower, a little after that, when her son came in again. "Mummy! Where did your sponge go?“asked the little boy. Rather flustered, his mother replied " Ummm…I don’t know! I’ve lost it!” A few more days pass, than one day the boy comes rushing in to the house and says “Mummy! I’ve found your sponge! The lady next door has it! And she’s using it to clean Daddy’s face!” ---
**Author:** ![chaoticbear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@chaoticbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chaoticbear)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2003, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/63 "2003-12-12T20:17:51Z")
Woman walks into an ice-cream shop and says “I’ll take a dish of chocolate ice cream.” The man replies “I’m sorry, but we’re out of chocolate.” She says “OK, I’ll take chocolate shake then.” The guy repiles “I’m sorry, but as I just said, we’re all out of chocolate.” She then says “I’ll take a chocolate cone.” and the guy says “I want you to do a favor for me. Spell ‘van’ as in ‘vanilla’.” “OK, ‘V-A-N’.” “Good, now spell ‘straw’ as in ‘strawberry’.” “S-T-R-A-W.” "OK, last one. I want you to spell “F\*\*\*’ as in “chocolate”.” She thinks for a second and says: “Hey, there’s no f\*\*\* in chocolate!” “Exactly! There’s no f\*\*\*in’ chocolate!” ---
**Author:** ![PbZep](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/58f4c7/32.png) [@PbZep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PbZep)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2003, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/64 "2003-12-12T20:19:39Z")
> [@](#): > > **bughunter** says, “Knock knock” > **Pb** replies, “Who’s there?” \>4 hours later 😃 **Bughunter** replies: Boo! and I promise this is my last line. **Pb** says, “Boohoo” ☹ ---
**Author:** ![bughunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/aeb1de/32.png) [@bughunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bughunter)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2003, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/65 "2003-12-12T21:30:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by PbZep \* > **\>4 hours later 😃** Hey - I replied as soon as I saw yours… > [@](#): > > **Pb** says, “Boohoo” ☹ \*\* Awww… don’t cry! (for some reason, my 6 y.o. nephew just loves that one, and never gets tired of it.) (The other one that goes over big is: 1: Knock Knock 2: Who’s There? 1: Atch 2: Atch Who? 1: Gesundeit! ) ---
**Author:** ![The\_Immortal\_Mango](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/da6949/32.png) [@The\_Immortal\_Mango](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Immortal_Mango)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2003, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/66 "2003-12-12T21:53:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by LVgeogeek \* > \*\*An optimist says “the glass is half-full”. > A pessimist says “the glass is half-empty”. > An engineer says “you need a smaller glass”. \*\* And the drunk says “This sin’t my glass, my glass was full, and much bigger!” ---
**Author:** ![The\_Immortal\_Mango](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/da6949/32.png) [@The\_Immortal\_Mango](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Immortal_Mango)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2003, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/67 "2003-12-12T22:01:21Z")
There once was an old catholic Irish priest who was giving a sermon on ghosts. He starts off by asking “Has anyone ever had a visual experience with a ghost?” A few people put their hands up. Then the priest asks: “Has anyone ever had an spoken experience with a ghost?” The two or three oddballs of the parish put up their hands. Finally he asks: “Now, has anyone ever had a sexual experience with a ghost?” At the back a little old man stands up. The priests is very surprised by this and asks again “You’ve had a sexual experience with a GHOST?” The little man replies “Ah sorry father, I though you said goat.” ---
**Author:** ![The\_Immortal\_Mango](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/da6949/32.png) [@The\_Immortal\_Mango](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Immortal_Mango)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2003, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/68 "2003-12-12T22:07:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by cityboy916 \* > \*\*A boy squirrel and a girl squirrel are playing around when a big gray wolf discovers them. The girl squirrel runs up a tree but the boy squirrel stays on the ground. The wolf says, “funny, most squirrels run away as soon as they see me.” To which the boy squirrel responds, “listen, bud - you ever run up a tree when you’re in love?” > > * * * > > A hunter is out in the middle of the woods when his shotgun runs out of ammo. On his way home a brown fox darts in front of him. “Hi there” he says to the fox. “Hi there” the fox replies. They get talking and discover that they both like hunting deer. Eventually they get to be good friends and the hunter invites the fox over for coffee. “So, do you do anything besides hunt?” the hunter asks. “In fact I do - I work at the typewriter company.” Now the hunter is curious. “What do you do at the typewriter company?” The fox replies, “I jump over the lazy dog.” \*\* I suspect I am being incredibly naive and stupid but i don’t get either of these jokes, care to explain them to me. ---
**Author:** ![Lobelia\_Overhill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/54ee81/32.png) [@Lobelia\_Overhill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobelia_Overhill)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2003, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/69 "2003-12-12T22:47:23Z")
The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog (it’s a typing test) I don’t get the squirrel one tho’ ---
**Author:** ![luluBahrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e5b9ba/32.png) [@luluBahrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/luluBahrain)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2003, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/70 "2003-12-12T22:59:45Z")
I think the squirrel’s “little squirrel” was probably erect and would injure himself running up a tree. I think that is what the joke intended. ---
**Author:** ![Hyperelastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Hyperelastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hyperelastic)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2003, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/71 "2003-12-12T23:07:52Z")
A guy and his wife are enjoying the “69” position at that time of the month. Suddenly the doorbell rings. The guy disengages himself, pulls on a robe and opens the door, finding a salesman about to launch into his pitch. But the salesman pauses and stares uncomfortably at the guy’s face. Realizing he hasn’t washed his face, the guy says nervously, “Uh, I was eating a jelly sandwich and I guess I got a little around my mouth”. The salesman says, “Actually, I wasn’t looking at the jelly around your mouth. I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead.” ---
**Author:** ![caligynephobia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7feea3/32.png) [@caligynephobia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/caligynephobia)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2003, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/72 "2003-12-13T00:23:05Z")
I hate that this is the only joke I can ever remember: What’s red and brown and has two legs? Half a dog. ---
**Author:** ![JackaRoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b5e925/32.png) [@JackaRoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JackaRoe)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2003, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/73 "2003-12-13T00:24:07Z")
One morning a women was looking at her breasts in the bathroom mirror and commented to her husband, “Do you think I need to have my breast enlarged?” The husband responed, “I have a sure fire method you can use to enlarge your breasts”. The wife asks “Really, what is it?” The husband responds, “Just take a peice of toilet paper and put it between your breasts. Do this for a couple of months”. The wife asks, “Does this really work?” ands the foolish husband says " Yes it does. Have you seen how big your ass is now?" ---
**Author:** ![jackelope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@jackelope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackelope)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2003, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/74 "2003-12-13T02:46:47Z")
A hunter decides to go on an African safari, and takes along his faithful Dachshund. While he’s out hunting one day, the Dachshund (who has stayed at the campsite) decides to check out the countryside. He’s sitting by a watering hole when a leopard, who has never seen a Dachshund before, starts sneaking up on him. The Dachshund pretends not to see the leopard. Thinking quickly, he grabs a bone lying around, starts chewing on it, and says out loud, “Boy, that leopard was _delicious_!” The leopard falls for the quick-thinking Dachshund’s ruse and slinks off, terrified of the tiny leopard-slayer. However, a monkey has seen the entire situation from a nearby tree and runs off to tell the leopard what happened. “No kidding?” says the leopard. “Hop on my back, monkey, and come watch what I do to this little liar!” The Dachshund is still sitting there by the watering hole when, out of the corner of his eye, he sees the leopard approaching with the monkey on his back. Once again, he speaks out loud: “Dangit, where is that monkey? I told him to go fetch me another leopard!” ---
**Author:** ![lt180ml](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lt180ml](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lt180ml)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2003, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/75 "2003-12-13T03:12:36Z")
At the end of the season, the the last two orchestra members to exit the hall are the conductor and the principal trumpet. The conductor says, “Have a nice summer.” The trumpeter snarls back “You can’t tell ME what to do!” Trumpet players are different from treasury bonds; the latter will mature and earn money. How many trumpeters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but all the others will congregate and brag about how much louder, higher, and faster they could have done it. I’ll shut up now before I get started on viola, bassoon, and bass trombone jokes. ---
**Author:** ![umop\_ap\_sdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/dbc845/32.png) [@umop\_ap\_sdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umop_ap_sdn)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2003, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/76 "2003-12-13T03:25:09Z")
You’re right, **luluBahrain**. Guy wakes up one morning and there’s a gorilla up a tree in his front yard. So he calls animal control and they ask him if it’s a boy gorilla or a girl gorilla. He checks and says “boy gorilla.” So they send a man out with a stick, a pair of handcuffs, a big dog, and a shotgun. He gives the resident the handcuffs and shotgun and says, “I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls out. Then the dog will bite his crotch. The gorilla will cross his hands to protect his injury, at which point you handcuff him.” The guy who lives there asks, “what’s the shotgun for?” “If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, I want you to shoot the dog.” ---
**Author:** ![Loopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loopus/32/15343_2.png) [@Loopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopus)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2003, 7:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/77 "2003-12-13T07:38:34Z")
My favorite trumpet joke: It so happens that on the day an orchestra is supposed to perform, the principal trumpet player gets ill and can’t play. The conductor is desperate, but the only replacement he can find is a jazz trumpet player. He worries about how it will work, but hires him anyway. The jazz player does fine for the first movement, but in the second movement, during which he is not supposed to play at all, he starts improvising, putting in all these jazz licks and high notes. After the performance, the conductor comes up to the trumpet player and asks what the hell he thought he was doing in the second movement. The trumpet player answers, “It said “tacet,” so I took it!” ---
**Author:** ![Bren\_Cameron\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@Bren\_Cameron\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bren_Cameron_1)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2003, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/78 "2003-12-13T15:25:05Z")
Mary Smith goes to her parish priest one morning and explains that her husband passed away unexpectedly the night before. “I’m so sorry to hear that,” the priest says. “Did he have any last requests?” “Why, yes, Father. His very last words were, ‘For God’s sake, Mary, please put down that gun!’” ---
**Author:** ![umop\_ap\_sdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/dbc845/32.png) [@umop\_ap\_sdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/umop_ap_sdn)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2003, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/79 "2003-12-13T19:10:22Z")
A man is having an affair with a married woman. One day the husband comes home early & the guy hides in the closet. He notices a kid in there with him. The kid says, “it’s awful dark in here. I’m gonna scream.” “Don’t scream. I’ll give you $10 if you don’t scream.” “No, it’s pretty dark. I’m gonna scream.” “Fine, here’s $50 now don’t scream.” The next day, the kid and his mother are shopping when they walk by the bicycle store and see the brand new bike he’s been wanting for a long time. “Mommy, can I buy the bike? I’ll pay for it with my own money.” To her surprise, at the cash register he pulls out a $50. “Where did you get that money?” “I won’t tell.” So she sends him to confession to tell the preacher. “It’s awful dark in here,” the kid begins, to which the preacher responds, “let’s not start _that_ crap again.” ---
**Author:** ![chaoticbear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@chaoticbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chaoticbear)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2003, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250/80 "2003-12-13T19:24:39Z")
How do you get a cat to sound like a dog? Douse it in gasoline, light it on fire and it goes “WHOOOOOF!” How do you get a dog to sound like a cat? Freeze it and use a power saw to cut it in half. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-joke-you-ever-heard/218250.md?page=5)