# The funniest post you have ever seen on the SDMB **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 22, 2002, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039 "2002-08-22T05:17:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Nichol\_storm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Nichol\_storm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nichol_storm)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2002, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039/41 "2002-08-23T20:07:44Z")
The funniest thread of all time (IMHO anyway) wasn’t on the SDMB, but on Wizardworld, waaaaay back in the day. It was a semi-serious discussion of which Marvel comics character had the best sex life, which turned into something resembling the “Mr. Fantastic” discussion in “Mallrat”, only longer and funnier. The thread is now lost in the wild wastes of the WWW, but it had some real gems on it. We all agreed Spider-man had to win the best sex life award. I mean, c’mon. He’s married to a super-model, he’s super-dextrous, and he can stick to walls! Peter and Mary Jane Parker could do it on the ceiling! Second runners up were Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman, along with a suggestion of creating invisible force dildoes. Then we all debated which villain got the most play, and it came down between Kang and Dr. Doom, since they both possessed time machines. Magneto got an honorable mention, since he’s bedded several X-Women and one Avenger. The best part was trying to figure out how Galactus got laid – someone suggested a Celestial, and that turned into a fanciful description of how Galactus, in his pimp-mobile, the Worldship, cruised through the galaxy, smacking up the Celestial hoes. 😉 Back on topic, best SDMB thread has to be the “I had cyber-sex with an AI!” in which several people fooled around with Lindsay-buddy! Try as I might, I can’t find it in the archives. .:Nichol:. ---
**Author:** ![rocking\_chair](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocking_chair/32/2918_2.png) [@rocking\_chair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rocking_chair)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2002, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039/42 "2002-08-23T23:08:45Z")
wolfman, there was a thread that contained a link that some people got to view before a mod deleted it. the link (i missed the window) sent you to a picture of a man whose rectum was unbelievably open. if i remember correctly lno had something to do with that sig. my vote goes to the “wally and the gerbil” and “funny things said during lovemaking.” “are you a sheriff?” ---
**Author:** ![Morbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morbo/32/389_2.png) [@Morbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morbo)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2002, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039/43 "2002-08-24T00:20:06Z")
> [@](#): > > wolfman, there was a thread that contained a link that some people got to view before a mod deleted it. the link (i missed the window) sent you to a picture of a man whose rectum was unbelievably open. Google search on “Goatse”, if you must. I suppose I should place a disclaimer: It is, quite simply, the most disgusting thing I have ever seen in my entire life. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2002, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039/44 "2002-08-24T03:48:22Z")
This thread is absolutely slaying me. I don’t know if **Eve** is coming back in her but sweetheart, _Gotcha Ya_ was absolutely frikken BRILLIANT!!! I can honestly say I don’t think I’ve evr seen a more intelligent post than that… like I didn’t have oodles of respect for you already. Ha! I laughed. I cried. I pissed all over the fucking T-shirt. Love ya sweetie! lieu ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2002, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039/45 "2002-08-24T15:01:23Z")
I was sitting in the back row of a boring computer class when I found [this](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=107576&highlight=icemaker) and tried desperately to stifle my laughter, giving myself a massive headache in the process. Ironically, ice has that effect on me for real, sometimes. ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2002, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039/46 "2002-08-24T15:45:26Z")
I’ve got [All Time Favorite Threads](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=97977) saved in my favorites for when a thread like this pops up (once a month, usually). Be warned, reading that link will send you down the rabbit hole. There are links in the links-- if I wanna kill a few hours, I’ll open that up. Hey, thanks **Zebra**. I’ve been here for _years_ and this is the first time I’ve ever been mentioned in a “whose funny” thread. Now I don’t have to stop cracking wise for fear of going unappreciated. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2002, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039/47 "2002-08-24T17:50:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by wolfman \* > \*\*“I can assure you that was no ordinary stretched open anus.” \*\* I’m doing a happy dance! That was meeee who said that, and I wasn’t even trying to be funny! ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2002, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039/48 "2002-08-24T17:57:22Z")
Here’s some links for some of the stuff that got mentioned earlier in the thread: [Goat Porn](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=33909) [Fat People Are Out to Get Me](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=43476), by SkinnyGuy [Things that make your jaw drop](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=59645) [Thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=26280) [The “magical sky pixie” thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=114287) aka “An open letter to the abortion who objects to the Darwins on my car” [Neuro-trash Grrrl goes to town on Bj0rn](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=10285) (her post is about halfway down the page) [Homer tries shrooms](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=38764) [That guy whose thread degenerated into recipe sharing](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=49621) and [the follow-up thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=49737) [Halvsie, the two-legged dog](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=51807) Phew. ---
**Author:** ![racer72](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/racer72/32/3075_2.png) [@racer72](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racer72)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2002, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039/49 "2002-08-25T14:50:34Z")
I wet my pants with this one. It is a humorous story someone posted in a thread. I have it saved on my computer. FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS SHAVE THEIR ASS-HAIR I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you so that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can’t-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. “Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don’t I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!” I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. “How many Indians could there be?” said by General Custer. “Looks like a good day for a drive!” by JFK." There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled; satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit-molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: “It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks.” Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair -ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum-sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn’t enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn’t just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. I knew a guy that received a citation for disorderly conduct for passing gas. He was in an elevator in a Tacoma Washington building and 3 guys in suits got on the elevator. Between the 6th and 1st floors, he let loose and it was a little more aromatic than he anticipated. On the first floor, all 4 bailed out as quickly as possible and headed for the exit. One of the suits took the guy aside and told him they were waiting for the police to come. A cop showed up and gave him a ticket for disorderly conduct and told him he was lucky he wasn’t arrested for assault. One of the suits was the mayor of Tacoma and he apparently did not care for the whif of jif he received. ---
**Author:** ![racer72](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/racer72/32/3075_2.png) [@racer72](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racer72)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2002, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039/50 "2002-08-25T14:52:43Z")
Sorry about adding the additional story. I forgot I had saved it with the other story. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2002, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039/51 "2002-08-27T20:56:55Z")
[The Velocity Of Flatulence]([http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=b8367e1624099fea533bfd7](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=b8367e1624099fea533bfd7) 444e7b130&threadid=91856&perpage=50&pagenumber=1) ---
**Author:** ![imthjckaz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/imthjckaz/32/3223_2.png) [@imthjckaz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/imthjckaz)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2002, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039/52 "2002-08-27T23:08:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by lieu \* > \*\*[The Velocity Of Flatulence]([http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=b8367e1624099fea533bfd7](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=b8367e1624099fea533bfd7) > 444e7b130&threadid=91856&perpage=50&pagenumber=1) \*\* I had forgot about that thread, the whole thread was funny. And it made two pages, guys talking about farts. It must be guy thing. Not farting, but talking about them. ---
**Author:** ![Alexxandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/278dde/32.png) [@Alexxandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alexxandra)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2002, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039/53 "2002-08-28T14:48:50Z")
Hmm…the “Velocity of Flatulence” link didn’t work for me. I get a netscape page saying “Bad Request”. I’m a girl, and I find flatulence hilarious. ---
**Author:** ![Mudshark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f04885/32.png) [@Mudshark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mudshark)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2002, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039/54 "2002-08-30T05:53:23Z")
[Stupid Humble Opinions](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=96640&highlight=amtrax) ---
**Author:** ![Kn\_ckers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/96bed5/32.png) [@Kn\_ckers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kn_ckers)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2002, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039/55 "2002-08-30T12:21:15Z")
Wow, that opinions thread is hilarious, \*\* mudshark [/]b . You made my day! Thanks for the link. Kn(too much of a newbie to have been here for all these funny old threads)ckers ---
**Author:** ![Kn\_ckers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/96bed5/32.png) [@Kn\_ckers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kn_ckers)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2002, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039/56 "2002-08-30T12:38:22Z")
Aw, I screwed up my post. I meant to write: " b Mudshark /bb/b[d]b[" ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2002, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039/57 "2002-08-30T14:05:33Z")
The Velocity of Flatulence didn’t open for me either. Maybe it was due to [ahem] \*wind damange \* ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2002, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039/58 "2002-08-30T14:25:08Z")
The Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer thread that was in General Questions in Christmas of 2000. Rapidly disintergrated into the most bizarre thing I have ever read. Could someone who knows how please provide a link. And my favorite quote, which appeared in the thread about felching: That’s gross! Is anything too sick to be discussed here? Too sick, no. Too stupid, yes. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2002, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039/59 "2002-08-30T15:01:22Z")
Dagnabit, my first attempt at posting a link failed. Argh, bummer. Here’s a pastable swipe… [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=b8367e1624099fea533bfd7](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=b8367e1624099fea533bfd7)\444e7b130&threadid=91856&perpage=50&pagenumber=1 This had me in stiches… Originally posted by Anal Scurvy > [@](#): > > So science has failed me and I’m sitting here with a tube up my ass. I’m feeling pretty bad about myself. Originally posted by Superdude > [@](#): > > Wow. Deja Vu. The same thing happened to me on prom night. ---
**Author:** ![bluecanary](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bluecanary/32/3614_2.png) [@bluecanary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bluecanary)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2002, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039/60 "2002-08-30T23:52:39Z")
The post in the aforementioned “Prehensile Rectum” thread where **Borborygmi** converts the OP into Suess. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-post-you-have-ever-seen-on-the-sdmb/125039.md?page=4)