# The funniest TTT parody/summary, I swear. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [December 31, 2002, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-ttt-parody-summary-i-swear/145783 "2002-12-31T00:57:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Francesca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9fc348/32.png) [@Francesca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francesca)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2002, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-ttt-parody-summary-i-swear/145783/1 "2002-12-31T00:57:10Z")
Seriously, this is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read, written by a Livejournaller: [Read it and weep.](http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=lemonlye&itemid=19097) ---
**Author:** ![BuckleberryFerry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5f9b8f/32.png) [@BuckleberryFerry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BuckleberryFerry)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2002, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-ttt-parody-summary-i-swear/145783/2 "2002-12-31T01:43:30Z")
Thank you deeply! I just read it and sent it to all my friends who have seen the movie…I’ve never laughed quite so hard… And thank you for being the first intelligent thing I’ve found in the forums for about a half hour. ~Ferry ---
**Author:** ![Neurotik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/91b2a8/32.png) [@Neurotik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neurotik)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2002, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-ttt-parody-summary-i-swear/145783/3 "2002-12-31T01:58:38Z")
You mean besides “Lord of the Pants”…:rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2002, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-ttt-parody-summary-i-swear/145783/4 "2002-12-31T02:05:33Z")
> [@](#): > > SAM and FRODO tie up GOLLUM. > > GOLLUM: No! Smeagol not into ropes, nassty kinky hobbitses. > > FRODO: We just want you to take us to Mordor, you sicko. > > GOLLUM: Mordor? Hobbitses having little Goth phase, maybe? Very angsssty, wanting to go to Mordor, yes yes. Can Smeagol offer black eyeliner to angsssty hobbitses? > > SAM: You stop talking to Mr.–hmm. (to FRODO) You know, you wouldn’t look half bad in eyeliner. heheheh. That’s hysterical! And, sheesh. Lighten up, Neurotik. ---
**Author:** ![Catamount](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/catamount/32/2840_2.png) [@Catamount](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catamount)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2002, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-ttt-parody-summary-i-swear/145783/5 "2002-12-31T02:07:00Z")
Thanks to this I now have a new sig! ---
**Author:** ![KGS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/90ced4/32.png) [@KGS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KGS)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2002, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-ttt-parody-summary-i-swear/145783/6 "2002-12-31T04:06:53Z")
Link no workie. ---
**Author:** ![Catamount](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/catamount/32/2840_2.png) [@Catamount](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catamount)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2002, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-ttt-parody-summary-i-swear/145783/7 "2002-12-31T04:18:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by KGS \* > \*\*Link no workie. \*\* Livejournal be wonkie. Refresh. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2002, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-ttt-parody-summary-i-swear/145783/8 "2002-12-31T04:26:53Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posed by Francesca_ > > Read it and weep. Oh, I did, **Francesca**. I stifled my laughter so hard, I thought I was having an asthma attack. And I don’t even have asthma. Thanks for posting the link. ---
**Author:** ![Epigramcracker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5e9695/32.png) [@Epigramcracker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Epigramcracker)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2002, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-ttt-parody-summary-i-swear/145783/9 "2002-12-31T04:37:14Z")
Oh. My. God. Can I even EXPLAIN how much I was just laughing?! Sam: His gardener. Faramir: Oh, you mean in a _Lady Chatterley’s Lover_ kind of way? Sam: Yeah. Frodo: Right–what??! OH JEEEZ. That was possibly the most hysterical thing E.V.E.R. I also appreciate Theoden–“I have ash all over my face and can’t think for myself!” ROFL! I shall post the predecesor to this (sort of) for more giggles: (next post)–\> ---
**Author:** ![Epigramcracker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5e9695/32.png) [@Epigramcracker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Epigramcracker)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2002, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-ttt-parody-summary-i-swear/145783/10 "2002-12-31T04:38:54Z")
I wish I could take credit for this, but alas, no. Enjoy all the same! THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING (Abridged) Frodo: Hi, Gandalf! Gandalf: Bilbo, give him your ring. Bilbo: Okay. Goodbye! Gandalf: See you at the pub, Frodo. Frodo: Doo-de-do. Nazgul: Boo! Frodo: Eeeek! Merry: (pops up out of nowhere) Eeeek! Pippin: (ditto) Eeeek! Sam: Ha ha, can’t catch us now! Tom Bombadil: Hello little friends! Frodo: No time for you, weirdo. Tom Bombadil: (disappears) Saruman: See, all I had to do was cross out “Good” on my business cards and write “Bad,” and I’m all set. Gandalf: I never saw that coming. Saruman: Excuse me while I tend to my vast army of evil orcs and war machinery which were in plain sight. Gandalf: Alas, if only he had imprisoned me at the top of a high tower without walls or ceiling so that he could not prevent a giant eagle from rescuing me, instead of in the canonical dungeon deep underground. Oh, wait. Frodo: (whispering) Keep a low profile. Pippin: (loudly) And don’t mention your real name, right? Merry: (loudly) Or the ring either, right? Strider: Right. Don’t mention the ring. (laughs) It’s okay, I’ll save you. Pippin: (whining) Are we there yet? Nazgul: Bwa ha ha ha. Give us the ring, little worm. Frodo: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names- Sam: Hmm, looks like swords work too. Strider: Go away, bad men! Nazgul: The five of us must flee, for we are outnumbered by this one Ranger! Frodo: Wow, we’re in Rivendell! Merry: That was easy. Pippin: Don’t knock it. Sam: Elves are cool! Elrond: Get out of my place, I don’t need trouble. Gimli: You can’t throw them out while I’m here! Legolas: Same for me! Elrond: Right, all of you leave now. Gandalf: But I just got here. Boromir: I’ll just invite myself along. No real reason. Certainly not because I have larceny on my mind. Nope. Strider: Look, they fixed my sword! (swish) Wheeeee! Frodo: Such beautiful scenery. The green grass and leaves are so- [THUD] Pippin: Where the hell did all this snow come from? Gandalf: Don’t blame me. Who knew that mountains could be cold on top? Gimli: Told you we should go through the mines. Strider: Let the dwarf have his way. Legolas: Fine, whatever, just open the door. Gimli: Ummm, I have no idea how to get inside. Boromir: What a bunch of idiots. Gandalf: Of course! (applies C4 to the problem) [POOF] Sam: Such magic. Merry: Ooooo, dead dwarf over here! Gimli: Boo hoo. Pippin: HEY MONSTERS, COME AND GET US!! Gandalf: Twit. Orcs: Oh good, we were getting hungry. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to keep an army fed in these abandonded mines? Boromir: (Slash) Legolas: (Pfft) Gimli: (Whack) Orcs: This is definitely putting a damper on our relationship. Frodo: Ouch! Strider: Alas, the Ring-bearer has perished! Our quest has failed! Frodo: Just kidding. I did the slide-blade-between-arm-and-chest trick while I was standing in profile to y’all. Pretty funny, eh? Balrog: Dammit, I was sound asleep. That really ticks me off. Gandalf: We are so doomed. Strider: Not if we run away! (does so) Boromir: First good idea you’ve had. (follows) hobbits: (already in the lead) Gandalf: (trailing) It matters not! You cannot outrun the demon! Legolas: We don’t have to . . . Gimli: . . . we just have to outrun _you_. Balrog: Your ass is mine, wizard. (drags Gandalf down with him) Strider: Woe is upon our company, that Gandalf has fallen! Frodo: I’m over it. Sam: Yeah, let’s go, there’s no food here. Legolas: Wondrous are these woods! Gimli: And full of cutthroat elves. Celeborn: We were told of your coming. Well, “warned” is more accurate. Galadriel: I know you better than you know yourselves. Sam: You’ve got nothing better to do with your time? Galadriel: Wake up, Frodo, and look in the mirror. Frodo: Geez, can’t a guy get some sleep around here? What mirror are you babbling about, there’s just this birdbath full of water. Galadriel: But it shows magic pictures of things that may or may not be! Frodo: I’m guessing you’re a day trader. Here, you take the ring. Galadriel: I will not. (hangs her head) I lost the instructions. Frodo: Great, I’m still stuck with it. Celeborn: Check-out time! Pippin: (singing) Row row row your boat, gently down- Gimli: Shut the hell up. Seven hours of that is enough. Strider: All this beautiful scenery is giving me a very bad feeling. Boromir: Give me the ring. Frodo: Notice as I put it on that it not only makes me invisible, it also apparently teleports me away from your clutches. Boromir: Arrrrrgghhh! I’m just trying to save my kingdom! Where is a rake I can step on, that it might strike my head? Ah, this will do nicely. (whack) SuperOrcs: Kill kill kill! Merry: Help, help, Auntie Em! (waves his tiny sword pathetically) Pippin: Christ, look at the size of these guys, we’re dead meat. Boromir: Fear not, little hobbits, I shall blow my special horn and we shall be rescued by soldiers . . who are . . hundreds . . of . . miles . . away . . guess we are screwed after all. (dies) SuperOrcs: Kill kill kill! Legolas: Look at my form. Dang, I’m good. Gimli: I’m environmentally friendly — blood makes the grass grow. Strider: Looks like Frodo got away. Well, there’s no chance in hell I’m going to step one foot closer to Mordor, so let’s go the exact opposite direction. Legolas: Okay. Gimli: Sure. Frodo: Best thing for me to do now is head for the most dangerous place in the world. Sam: Works for me. ---
**Author:** ![TWDuke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e495f1/32.png) [@TWDuke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TWDuke)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2002, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-ttt-parody-summary-i-swear/145783/11 "2002-12-31T04:51:58Z")
> [@](#): > > “lots of lame slash-implication jokes” She’s not kidding. ---
**Author:** ![Flutterby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Flutterby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flutterby)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2002, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-ttt-parody-summary-i-swear/145783/12 "2002-12-31T07:58:40Z")
OMG… that was hilarious. I did have some others saved before… I lost all my links though so I don’t recall what happened to them ☹ ---
**Author:** ![pepperlandgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f17d59/32.png) [@pepperlandgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pepperlandgirl)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2002, 8:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-ttt-parody-summary-i-swear/145783/13 "2002-12-31T08:32:18Z")
My favorite was > [@](#): > > LEGOLAS: This is going to be most unpleasant. Hundreds of people will die. > > ARAGORN: Thank you, Captain Obvious. > > LEGOLAS: You’re just jealous because I’m pretty. > > ARAGORN: You’re just jealous because I’m going to be king. > > LEGOLAS: You can bite my ass. > > ARAGORN: Hey, blow me. > > (Ten minutes later) > > LEGOLAS: I didn’t mean that. > > ARAGORN: It’s okay. Me neither. > > LEGOLAS: Kiss and make up? > > ARAGORN: How about I squeeze your shoulder in a very special way? LOL, I can easily picture the whole “you can bite my ass” and “blow me” exchange. ---
**Author:** ![Francesca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9fc348/32.png) [@Francesca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francesca)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2002, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-ttt-parody-summary-i-swear/145783/14 "2002-12-31T12:37:09Z")
My favourite bit: > [@](#): > > FANGORN FOREST (next day) > > GANDALF: Hey, kids. Miss me? > > ARAGORN: Gandalf! You’re alive! > > LEGOLAS: I almost had a facial expression from the joy of it! Hee hee hee! ---
**Author:** ![rocking\_chair](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocking_chair/32/2918_2.png) [@rocking\_chair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rocking_chair)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2002, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-ttt-parody-summary-i-swear/145783/15 "2002-12-31T23:31:58Z")
very, very, funny. my favs: nassty kinky hobbitses. an elf, a man, and a dwarf walk into the riddermark… i gotta admit when i heard the line in the movie, i immed. thought of the old “a priest, a minister, and a rabbi” joke. be blinded by my new robes! you are NOT wearing THAT shirt into the battle tonight, are you? fine, whatever. i’ll send haldir or something. and my ab. fav.: hel-lo, greaseball. ---
**Author:** ![BuckleberryFerry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5f9b8f/32.png) [@BuckleberryFerry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BuckleberryFerry)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2003, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-ttt-parody-summary-i-swear/145783/16 "2003-01-04T20:16:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Neurotik \* > \*\*You mean besides “Lord of the Pants”…:rolleyes: \*\* Are you mocking me? ~Ferry ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2003, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-ttt-parody-summary-i-swear/145783/17 "2003-01-04T20:31:57Z")
> [@](#): > > HELM’S DEEP > > ROHIRRIM GUARD: Sire, there are some really femmy people at the gate. They have bows. > > ARAGORN: Those are Elves. Let them in. > > ROHIRRIM GUARD: Oh! Elves! Wow, I didn’t expect that. > > PEOPLE WHO READ THE BOOK: Neither did I… ---
**Author:** ![Moe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moe/32/2972_2.png) [@Moe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moe)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2003, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-funniest-ttt-parody-summary-i-swear/145783/18 "2003-01-05T06:01:44Z")
I loved the whole ‘Sam’s speech’ bit but particularly: > [@](#): > > SAM: There are good things in the world. And that’s what we’re protecting. And up there, it’s their time, but down here, it’s OUR time… Wow!! a Goonies reference!!