# The great affair love triangle **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 9, 2014, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162 "2014-08-09T13:15:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162/21 "2014-08-09T15:30:56Z")
> [@Tremblay](#): > > Jeff-- I am not looking for sympathy. I got myself into this mess. > > I agree- there is an imbalance, and what we had is over. It was over after last year after his wife found out. I threw in the towel then. Looks like I have to do it now and this time stick to it. > > Ferret- I doubt its an emotional affair. I thought about that though. He won’t open up to emotionally after last year. I know the issues going on, but he won’t divulge. I hinted, but he just says family issues. > > I don’t know why the convenience friendship? What good does that do for him? Am I a bandaid to his marriage? Let me put it to you bluntly. Texting you, etc,in the past has lead to sex. In addition, in you he has a free therapist that is telling him what he wants to hear. He can use you as an outlet for emotional needs. It’s win-win for him. ---
**Author:** ![Tremblay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e56c9b/32.png) [@Tremblay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tremblay)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162/22 "2014-08-09T15:33:03Z")
> [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](#): > > You can, if you want, tell him it’s over. But all that will do is open the dialog again. > I think you want that, deep down. A part of you gets off on the drama this mess is making. > > Why is he writing you? Possible reasons: > > 1. It opens up the dialog to free sex later. > 2. He needs someone to emotionally drain with all his problems. > Here are the cold hard facts. > You both fucked up. > He is not a good friend. He sees you when it’s convenient or needs something. > You are not a good friend. Despite your saying so, you want more than friendship. > > Block him out of your life and mean it. I agree–we both are fucked up. But, I don’t get off on the drama. I can guarantee you that. So I should just block him, not respond to messages, and have him figure it out? I see where you’re coming from with his possible reasons to text… but sex isn’t in the future. With the ‘boundaries’ as he so says, he won’t emotionally drain his issues on me. With the above being said, whats the reason to have contact? To me, keeping this as a friendship is not feasible. Too many emotions on my end. You would think it would be easier to block and end this, and move on. I have to just let go, start fresh, and allow him to take care of his issues. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162/23 "2014-08-09T15:34:03Z")
> [@Tremblay](#): > > Ferret- I doubt its an emotional affair. I thought about that though. He won’t open up to emotionally after last year. I know the issues going on, but he won’t divulge. I hinted, but he just says family issues. > > I don’t know why the convenience friendship? What good does that do for him? Am I a bandaid to his marriage? A fallback, another option, something that keeps him from having to suck it up and make a real effort. Though I suspect he could find someone else to fill that role, too, when push comes to shove. Whatever happens, you need to cut him off, IMO. You can do it kindly (at the risk of giving him more hope that if he texts you more, you’ll give in and text him again) by just saying straight out that you are giving him space to get his life in order, and that if he gets a finalized divorce maybe there can be something. ---
**Author:** ![Tremblay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e56c9b/32.png) [@Tremblay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tremblay)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162/24 "2014-08-09T15:39:36Z")
> [@El\_Kabong](#): > > Based on what you (the OP) is saying here, it seems to come down to a choice of a) continue to kid yourself that you’re just friends, it would be cruel to cut him loose when he’s got so many personal issues, yadda yadda; or b) find another way to live your life that doesn’t require the involvement of a married guy who you have presented as indifferent to your feelings. With, btw, three kids. > > Your choice. Good luck. Thanks… I know the answer, and you would think it would be easy to just dump the turd. I need to grow my own pair and do just that. > [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](#): > > Let me put it to you bluntly. > Texting you, etc,in the past has lead to sex. > In addition, in you he has a free therapist that is telling him what he wants to hear. > He can use you as an outlet for emotional needs. It’s win-win for him. The thing is- I don’t stroke his ego (or anything in that matter), unless me just answering does that. I keep the texts completely platonic. We chit chat about sports, running, and work. There is no exchange of emotions. I don’t see how topics like that can lead to sex. ---
**Author:** ![Tremblay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e56c9b/32.png) [@Tremblay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tremblay)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162/25 "2014-08-09T15:44:53Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > A fallback, another option, something that keeps him from having to suck it up and make a real effort. Though I suspect he could find someone else to fill that role, too, when push comes to shove. Whatever happens, you need to cut him off, IMO. You can do it kindly (at the risk of giving him more hope that if he texts you more, you’ll give in and text him again) by just saying straight out that you are giving him space to get his life in order, and that if he gets a finalized divorce maybe there can be something. Ferrett- I would think the role would be easy to fill too. Unless he uses to his advantage knowing how I feel for him. Easier to lure me back in than to go out and try to find new. I just need to end it and have him work on his issues with his family. Doing it kindly as you suggested can potentially backfire. I told him last year he needs to focus on his marriage when I ended it. I didn’t hear from him for 3 months. I thought then he wouldn’t contact me as I was giving him a clean break. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162/26 "2014-08-09T15:58:27Z")
> [@Tremblay](#): > > Thanks… I know the answer, and you would think it would be easy to just dump the turd. I need to grow my own pair and do just that. > > The thing is- I don’t stroke his ego (or anything in that matter), unless me just answering does that. I keep the texts completely platonic. We chit chat about sports, running, and work. There is no exchange of emotions. I don’t see how topics like that can lead to sex. Responding is stroking his ego. So fine, be friends with an asshole that you still have feelings for. By all your responses, it’s what you want to hear. So go ahead, be friends. Surely nothing bad can happen. ---
**Author:** ![Tremblay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e56c9b/32.png) [@Tremblay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tremblay)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162/27 "2014-08-09T16:07:50Z")
I acknowledged I can’t just ‘be friends’ with him. I need to cut him off So do I just cut him off and quit responding, or do I tell him-- hey I can’t do this…you need to focus on your issues, and I need to move on. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162/28 "2014-08-09T16:12:18Z")
It doesn’t matter as long as you move on. ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162/29 "2014-08-09T16:21:25Z")
Yes, you should just block him and move along. If his marriage pulls itself together, great, if not, fine. But it should follow it’s course without you. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162/30 "2014-08-09T16:22:39Z")
I expect and hope you will both find all the happiness you deserve. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162/31 "2014-08-09T16:24:56Z")
Shouldn’t it be “…Love affair triangle” (Or actually just: love affair.) That thread title makes my head meat hurt. ---
**Author:** ![Stringbean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Stringbean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stringbean)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162/32 "2014-08-09T16:25:25Z")
Tell him to contact you when he is single again and you will pursue a relationship if you are also single. Tell him you won’t speak or text with him until then. You obviously want to be with him. He needs to make up his mind. ---
**Author:** ![Zulema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/db5fbb/32.png) [@Zulema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zulema)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162/33 "2014-08-09T16:33:42Z")
You don’t owe him anything including an explanation. Quit responding with or without telling him. If you have to tell him, don’t go into any reasons that he can argue with, just text him this sentence “Do not text me any more, I will not respond”. If he continues to text you with no response from either change your phone number or tell him that he must stop or you will tell his wife. If you are not able to stop responding to him get a new phone number. You will feel better sooner than you think, at this point he’s just a bad habit that you’re tired of. Be strong. Be someone you can respect. ---
**Author:** ![johnpost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f17d59/32.png) [@johnpost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnpost)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162/34 "2014-08-09T16:44:11Z")
most people can not handle more than one relationship at a time. both you and him seem to be that way. stop messing yourself and him up. tell him that you are done with it and not to contact you. ---
**Author:** ![yellowjacketcoder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/4bbf92/32.png) [@yellowjacketcoder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowjacketcoder)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162/35 "2014-08-09T17:21:55Z")
> [@yorick73](#): > > Damn…that’s rough. Not rough enough in my opinion. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162/36 "2014-08-09T18:08:09Z")
His marriage is going to fall apart with or without you in the picture. I’m sorry, but if it wasn’t you, it would be someone else. Forget about his family. The whole drama there is a red herring. The stuff about the wife’s brother? There is no way you can affect the situation, if it’s even true, and there are other people a lot closer who can look out for the kids. Your job is to walk away. Your man isn’t going to change. You need to figure out why this worked for you for so long, and how you can change so you don’t need that. Step one: Tell him, “I’m sorry, but it’s over.” Steel yourself to ignore his response: any explanation or excuse you give just opens that door again, and you want it closed. Trust me, you really do. Just repeat “I’m sorry, but it’s over” until his gets the message. THEN stop responding to texts, calls, emails, letters, whatever. Vent here about how hard it is, if you want. Some of us will be mean, others sympatheric, but we’ll listen. ---
**Author:** ![Eonwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eonwe/32/240_2.png) [@Eonwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eonwe)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162/37 "2014-08-09T21:46:34Z")
> [@Tremblay](#): > > Ferrett- I would think the role would be easy to fill too. Unless he uses to his advantage knowing how I feel for him. Easier to lure me back in than to go out and try to find new. > > I just need to end it and have him work on his issues with his family. > > Doing it kindly as you suggested can potentially backfire. I told him last year he needs to focus on his marriage when I ended it. I didn’t hear from him for 3 months. I thought then he wouldn’t contact me as I was giving him a clean break. As long as you willingly give him all the power in this scenario, you will never be in control of your own life, and you will be feeding the drama yourself. “uses to his advantage,” “lure[s] you back,” being nice “backfired” (because you somehow became a sucker again?). Look, until you take responsibility for your choosing to go back to him, you’re never not going to get out of this crappy, fulfilling (in some ways) relationship. It doesn’t matter what he says, or what “advantage” he has. You are encouraging his behavior by responding positively, and he is continuing his behavior in return. Either you have to break contact, or continue on exactly as things are until someone somewhere in this scenario blows up in an ugly way. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162/38 "2014-08-09T22:25:26Z")
> [@Tremblay](#): > > Did I think it would escalate to this? Never. I can’t imagine why not. All of this sounds extremely typical of an affair. How old are you? ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162/39 "2014-08-09T22:28:10Z")
> [@Tremblay](#): > > I’m not sure where we went wrong and the boundaries are crossed. Talk about lack of self introspection. Maybe when you fucked him? ---
**Author:** ![Tremblay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e56c9b/32.png) [@Tremblay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tremblay)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2014, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162/40 "2014-08-09T23:15:00Z")
I appreciate all around the advice. Re. the comment about this being typical in an affair-- I’m 28. It started when I was 26 and he was 31. He’s been married now for 9 years. It took two to tango during this ordeal, and I am in the wrong just as much as he is. Now I need to do what I need to make myself happy. I agree with the posters-- he doesn’t need an explanation for my reasoning of wanting to end this. I’m tired of the cycle, and if I tell him that, he might try and tell me sweet nothings to keep me. Or, he may be okay to say ‘bye’ as he’s in a not so good place right now. Thus, he’s in a good position to drop me. I’ve asked him questions about his family situation, and he’s beat around the bush. I can do the same with this. Dr. Drake- the thing with his brother in law is true. I think this will lead to a bigger strain on their marriage. The brother-in-law told married man directly over the phone. Married man in turn is starting to tell family and friends who have kids that his brother-in-law was around as to what he was told. That is how I found out as my sister’s kids were around his brother-in-law at one point. We don’t think anything happened with my sister’s kids at least, but its being told. I know I’ll be venting throughout the end of this. I need to take the power back for my own sake. He’s called the shots the entire time. I know I portrayed myself as the ‘victim’, but its nobody’s fault but my own for this mess as I allowed it to continue thinking something would change. Instead, it got worse with him flip-flopping and floating in and out. I acknowledge that. Eonwe- if anyone blows up, it’ll be me. His wife isn’t stupid, and she’s trying to keep the family together. I’d be shocked if he blows up at me. So if anyone loses their shit, its me. I’m getting very close to doing so. Yes, Shodan-- I hope I do find the happiness I deserve. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-affair-love-triangle/695162.md?page=3)