# The Great Beat The Fuck Out Of Each Other Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 31, 2001, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-beat-the-fuck-out-of-each-other-thread/52592 "2001-01-31T18:57:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Upham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Upham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Upham)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-beat-the-fuck-out-of-each-other-thread/52592/1 "2001-01-31T18:57:45Z")
As things progress in most BBQ pit threads, it usually becomes less a case of “point, counterpoint” and more a case of “Fuck you! I’d gouge your eyes out with a rusty spoon if i had half a chance” So, i’m calling for an all out brawl. To get things started i’m gonna kidney punch the goof who thought the Bob Dylan’s Voice thread ought to be locked. And i think i might kick some other folks in the nuts (i just gotta make sure they have 'em, why the hell isn’t there a gender thing in the profile, damnit) [sub](_ **Note** _ the setting is a bar, we’ve got chairs, tables, a huge suply of bottles and an Electrified Head Bashing Mahine for those who don’t like to do the dirty work themselves)[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Brunetter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/839c29/32.png) [@Brunetter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brunetter)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-beat-the-fuck-out-of-each-other-thread/52592/2 "2001-01-31T19:46:46Z")
HOLY SHIT! There’s no one else in here? That \* PISSES ME OFF! \* :: Grabs a chair and starts beating the crao out of the jukebox :: ---
**Author:** ![Upham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Upham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Upham)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-beat-the-fuck-out-of-each-other-thread/52592/3 "2001-01-31T19:55:53Z")
Man, i cant hit Brunette!!! Maybe i’ll just start smashing these glasses… but i’ve got this urge to stomp on someones face… ---
**Author:** ![Pit\_Meister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Pit\_Meister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pit_Meister)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-beat-the-fuck-out-of-each-other-thread/52592/4 "2001-01-31T20:09:26Z")
Don’t you know it takes _two_ kidney punches to open, and that should be a rusty fork, not a spoon. Anything less is playing Old Maid. Not to worry, though. Hold on a sec and I’ll look up the link for the Hoyle site pit fighting rules.😃 ---
**Author:** ![Kricket](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f14d63/32.png) [@Kricket](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kricket)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-beat-the-fuck-out-of-each-other-thread/52592/5 "2001-01-31T20:11:52Z")
Alright Upham love, I’ve got your back in case those glasses try to gang up and bum rush ya’! And what in the hell was the idea of trying to get that thread locked anyway? Yeah, people are getting pretty touchy about the whole thing, but to lock it because you think it is pointless is just not right! Who made you god or goddess? ---
**Author:** ![Upham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Upham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Upham)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-beat-the-fuck-out-of-each-other-thread/52592/6 "2001-01-31T20:21:57Z")
Hmm… This thread is way, way too peaceful :::picks up a bottle and chucks it at someone random, say, Pit Meister:::: TAKE THAT UNCLE BEER HATER!!! (heh heh heh, _that_ should get things going) ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-beat-the-fuck-out-of-each-other-thread/52592/7 "2001-01-31T20:26:35Z")
What the hell. Lurches into the bar, red-eyed and infuriated. “Where the hell is that Canadian halfpint?” Spots Upham across the bar. Stomps up and smacks him around a few times. “I’m gonna hit you so hard, it’ll make your mama cry.” Ogre plants one hamfist right between Upham’s eyes. There is a sound very much like a watermelon getting creamed by an 80 mph semi. Now, tell me the three common words in English that end with -gry! ---
**Author:** ![xenophon41](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xenophon41/32/253_2.png) [@xenophon41](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xenophon41)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-beat-the-fuck-out-of-each-other-thread/52592/8 "2001-01-31T20:34:24Z")
::wanders in from the street, looks around for **aha** :: Nope, no brawl in here, yet… ::wanders out:: ---
**Author:** ![Kricket](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f14d63/32.png) [@Kricket](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kricket)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-beat-the-fuck-out-of-each-other-thread/52592/9 "2001-01-31T20:35:21Z")
Ogre, did you just insult my man? (Upham we’ll talk abou this new developement later) Thems fightin’ words. Oh, I won’t get you now, I will get you when you least expect it. I am a woman therefore, I am naturally sneaky and vendictive. I bet your scared now aren’t you? ---
**Author:** ![Pit\_Meister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Pit\_Meister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pit_Meister)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-beat-the-fuck-out-of-each-other-thread/52592/10 "2001-01-31T20:36:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Upham \* > \*\*Hmm… > This thread is way, way too peaceful > :::picks up a bottle and chucks it at someone random, say, Pit Meister:::: > TAKE THAT UNCLE BEER HATER!!! (heh heh heh, _that_ should get things going) \*\* That hurt, man! Can’t you use an _empty_ bottle for once? Oh, yeah, and I don’t hate UncleBeer. I chose to ignore him except when he tries to mount my pet rat without a condom. ---
**Author:** ![Upham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Upham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Upham)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-beat-the-fuck-out-of-each-other-thread/52592/11 "2001-01-31T20:47:48Z")
Pit - i figured if it didn’t knock you out or break on contact you could drink it, consider it a half favor Now, lets spill some blood! ---
**Author:** ![oldscratch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ed655f/32.png) [@oldscratch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/oldscratch)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-beat-the-fuck-out-of-each-other-thread/52592/12 "2001-01-31T20:56:28Z")
What the fuck is with stupid joke threads. :leaps across the table, jams his fist up **Upham** ’s urethra, yanks out his prostate, and stomps on it: ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-beat-the-fuck-out-of-each-other-thread/52592/13 "2001-01-31T21:13:22Z")
**Now we’re talking!** Upham, when I first noticed your posts, I was convinced you were a troll. _Crams a cocktail onion up one of Uphams’s nostrils, an olive up the other, and smashes him in the nose with a bottle of cheap gin_ Pit Meister, Uncle Beer was one of the ones who jumped in to defend me when I was accused of being a troll. _Jams a pool cue up PM’s ass and spins him like a top_ oldscratch, I’m with you on the stupid fucking joke threads, but you’re here, so I have to brutalize you. _Shrug__Hacks open oldie’s skull, finds nothing there but pot resin and coke residue. Pees in it._ Kricket, ummm…I’m not sure what to do with a smurf dominatrix. Blue leather? Sounds interesting. ---
**Author:** ![Rasa](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rasa/32/3578_2.png) [@Rasa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rasa)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-beat-the-fuck-out-of-each-other-thread/52592/14 "2001-01-31T21:54:35Z")
Well, I might be skinny and waiflike, but I can kick and bite and scratch like a fury… It’s ok, Upham, I’ve got your back. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-beat-the-fuck-out-of-each-other-thread/52592/15 "2001-01-31T22:00:23Z")
Oh, you straight boys are _soooo_ cute when you’re miffed. Here you’re starting a little slugfest, while me and the rest of the tasteful gay boys are planning an orgy. Amateurs. 😉 Esprix ---
**Author:** ![racerx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/5e9695/32.png) [@racerx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racerx)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-beat-the-fuck-out-of-each-other-thread/52592/16 "2001-01-31T22:10:10Z")
_crashes through bar in Shooting Star. Hops out onto hood of car in fighting pose_ Damn. I just wanted a beer. Well, better fight my way to the bar. _elbow in the eye for Rasa, throat strike to oldscratch, step over someone slumped on the ground, jump kicks Ogre jaw sending them flying back, ducks under a punch from Upham_ Mmmmm. This’ll do. _grabs a beer, picks up a stool and sits on it and drinks_ ---
**Author:** ![DeskMonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f14d63/32.png) [@DeskMonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeskMonkey)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-beat-the-fuck-out-of-each-other-thread/52592/17 "2001-01-31T22:17:35Z")
DeskMonkey peeks in to see if anyone’s brought their pet Pit Bull to the fight. Coast looks clear. Cracks a beer open over the head of someone flying by and drinks the rest. Don’t really want to hurt anyone just yet, just watchin’. Is this seat taken, racerx? ---
**Author:** ![King\_Rat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7bcc69/32.png) [@King\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/King_Rat)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-beat-the-fuck-out-of-each-other-thread/52592/18 "2001-01-31T22:28:50Z")
[http://www.soccerhooligan.com/photos/copenhagen/5.jpg](http://www.soccerhooligan.com/photos/copenhagen/5.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-beat-the-fuck-out-of-each-other-thread/52592/19 "2001-01-31T23:09:14Z")
\*Una comes flying in in her black trenchcoat, leaps in mind air towards **Upham**. She freezes for a second, the room spins around ala “The Matrix”, and then she delivers a boot to Upham’s chin, sending him flying back into the wall. There is a resonding “CRACK!” as his head connects with a wall stud, breaking the stud. 😉 \* Woo! Now we’re talking! _Takes out nunchuks and starts re-enacting a scene from “Enter the Dragon”…_ ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-beat-the-fuck-out-of-each-other-thread/52592/20 "2001-01-31T23:16:20Z")
_matt swishes in and bitch-slaps everybody he hates_ [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-great-beat-the-fuck-out-of-each-other-thread/52592.md?page=2)