# The greatly swinging pendulum of my wife's libido **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 21, 2010, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-greatly-swinging-pendulum-of-my-wifes-libido/543994 "2010-06-21T15:55:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2010, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-greatly-swinging-pendulum-of-my-wifes-libido/543994/1 "2010-06-21T15:55:37Z")
This is kind of a touchy subject, so I’ll be brief but vague. Over the last 15 years of marriage, my wife and I have experienced pretty much every part of the libido inequality chart. Currently, mine’s flagged _a little_ since I turned 40, and it’s been discussed before. It’s coming back as a direct result of: My wife’s libido is ON FIRE. This is a direct result of her starting (and seeing the results of) a pretty serious workout regimen. She was tired of the body parenthood and twins gave her and wanted to do something about it. It has greatly stimulated her desires. The problem is that I have a hard time bringing her to completion. About one in three or four sessions, I’m successful, and it’s only after a lot of work that it happens. It’s as if she’s chemically good for two orgasms a month, but is trying 10-15 times to get there. I have NO problems devoting as much time to this as necessary. Discussions of changing things up have been had, including other people. I think including another partner would be a Bad Idea. Hell, I’d LOVE it (depending), but I’ve got a pretty fragile ego and figure there’s a 9 in 10 chance one or more of the three involved parties would regret it after the fact. We’ve tried, um, vibratory devices and they didn’t work so well, it pretty much just made her numb, we’re looking at other more anatomically correct things, but I was wondering if it’s something y’all have experienced. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2010, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-greatly-swinging-pendulum-of-my-wifes-libido/543994/2 "2010-06-21T16:13:14Z")
If you’re not totally on board with bringing another person into your bed, for the love of Og, DON’T GO THERE! It’ll all end in tears. But…does the \*idea \*of it turn you on at all? Not the reality, not hitting the internet and finding a couple in your area, but maybe just the fantasy part? Perhaps talking about it, playacting it a little or a few choice, “God, I’d love to see BLANK BLANKING your BLANK while I BLANK” comments might steam things up a bit. Name names, keeping it to her favorite hottie celebrities if it feels safer. Create a scene in her head and her body may follow. Also, keep trying different vibrators. Some are really intense and can cause numbness, some are very gentle. Some are designed to be used inside, on the vagina or g-spot, and some outside, on the clitoris. They come in all shapes, sizes, intensities, etc., and just because one doesn’t work for her doesn’t mean you should stop trying. ---
**Author:** ![Zulema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/db5fbb/32.png) [@Zulema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zulema)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2010, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-greatly-swinging-pendulum-of-my-wifes-libido/543994/3 "2010-06-21T16:21:11Z")
Google The Rabbit. ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2010, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-greatly-swinging-pendulum-of-my-wifes-libido/543994/4 "2010-06-21T16:30:19Z")
No need to. I’m right here. ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2010, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-greatly-swinging-pendulum-of-my-wifes-libido/543994/5 "2010-06-21T16:34:02Z")
Jeez, if you want me to come over and _blank_ Mrs. Blank, just say so. You don’t have to be all indirect and start a thread about it. Sheesh. Seriously, though, I could have written this OP. The girlfriend is currently having the same problem. I used to think it was me, but she can’t do it alone either. Nothing seems to work for her. We had a rough time (heh) for years and then decided to quit the birth control. After her hormones balanced out, we were good for some time. Now, she’s working out heavily (like your wife) and just.can’t.come. She gets sooooo close and then her mind loses it. Once the urge has evaporated, she gets frustrated, and thus we get nowhere. It’ll pass. It always does. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2010, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-greatly-swinging-pendulum-of-my-wifes-libido/543994/6 "2010-06-21T16:45:48Z")
> [@SP2263](#): > > Google The Rabbit. I did. Here’s the first hit that came up. > [@](#): > > Rabbits are small mammals in the family Leporidae of the order Lagomorpha, found in several parts of the world. So the answer is obvious. Buy your wife a small, caged pet with big ears. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2010, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-greatly-swinging-pendulum-of-my-wifes-libido/543994/7 "2010-06-21T16:46:57Z")
Yeah, there’s one little bit of me that’s thinking “Based on all we’ve been through, you KNOW this will change”, and a minor bit of “All the emotional angst we worked through to get to a happy medium because I wanted to stick it in any round hole I could find and you didn’t want to be touched and you’re freaking out over six weeks of less than world-ending orgasms?” But that’s overly negative and not what this is about. We had a Rabbit (or knockoff) and it made her numb about 20 seconds in. We also had another two-piece vibrator that let you place them on different parts with different speeds…that didn’t do it either. Like I said, I don’t think vibrations are going to do it. We’re still talking through it before anything is ordered, I don’t wanna purchase an 18" DHIBJD and have her freak out. 😃 What DOES currently do it is communication, and using fingers, a combo of clit and Vag in a cadence…for a certain amount of time…unless it changes, then, well, you have to change til if feels good again. Sorry, can’t tell you WHAT. 🙂 And **Chessic** I don’t want a GUY _blanking_ her. I wouldn’t mind being involved with another woman in the room (red blooded american male fantasy)…I just have a wierd [heh] feeling that it would end badly. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2010, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-greatly-swinging-pendulum-of-my-wifes-libido/543994/8 "2010-06-21T17:18:53Z")
Based on what you said works at the moment, try a non-vibrating dildo while using fingers on her clit. That way you don’t have to do it “in cadence.” > [@WhyNot](#): > > Also, keep trying different vibrators. Some are really intense and can cause numbness, some are very gentle. It’s not just the strength of the vibration. It’s the type of vibration. Most vibrators kind of buzz. That doesn’t do a thing for me. Some have more of a pulsing vibration. I like those better. The Wahl vibrator isn’t pretty, but it sure does work for me. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2010, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-greatly-swinging-pendulum-of-my-wifes-libido/543994/9 "2010-06-22T00:02:27Z")
Do it in public. But try not to get caught! ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2010, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-greatly-swinging-pendulum-of-my-wifes-libido/543994/10 "2010-06-22T00:14:08Z")
No, were trying to get HER off, not me! 😛 unless you think it’d speed things up… ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2010, 8:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-greatly-swinging-pendulum-of-my-wifes-libido/543994/11 "2010-06-22T08:40:42Z")
It’s 90% mental. It sounds like you need to get her mind off before her body. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2010, 9:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-greatly-swinging-pendulum-of-my-wifes-libido/543994/12 "2010-06-22T09:48:46Z")
What about encouraging her to have a good healthy wank? You can still enjoy a great sexy session together, but if she needs that bit of extra ‘oomph’ to get her over the climax line, let her do it herself! You might be needed to add some extra-sensory stuff (massaging breasts, licking nipples etc) but she will know better than anyone the exactamundo stimulation she needs to reach orgasm. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2010, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-greatly-swinging-pendulum-of-my-wifes-libido/543994/13 "2010-06-22T13:10:25Z")
My advice to her would be to work on controlling her breathing. When she gets close to orgasm, speed up her breathing, like, almost to a pant. Works for me. I don’t know why, but that’s probably the single most important tidbit I ever learned in the dorms in college. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2010, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-greatly-swinging-pendulum-of-my-wifes-libido/543994/14 "2010-06-22T17:33:45Z")
> [@kambuckta](#): > > What about encouraging her to have a good healthy wank? You can still enjoy a great sexy session together, but if she needs that bit of extra ‘oomph’ to get her over the climax line, let her do it herself! You might be needed to add some extra-sensory stuff (massaging breasts, licking nipples etc) but she will know better than anyone the exactamundo stimulation she needs to reach orgasm. We’re working on toys and self-awarenes and communication, we’ll see what happens. Funny thing is, she’s most like this RIGHT after a workout (testosterone), but that it gets instantly killed when the kids get home from school, which is a good hour before _I_ get home, making for a difficult problem to solve (perhaps she needs to push out her work out a couple hours. 🙂 ) ---
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2010, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-greatly-swinging-pendulum-of-my-wifes-libido/543994/15 "2010-06-22T20:14:23Z")
Google Liberator Shapes. Buy the Wedge at the very least, the Ramp/Wedge combo is great, though. ---
**Author:** ![outlierrn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/outlierrn/32/3005_2.png) [@outlierrn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/outlierrn)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2010, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-greatly-swinging-pendulum-of-my-wifes-libido/543994/16 "2010-06-22T20:33:35Z")
> [@SP2263](#): > > Google The Rabbit. Just don’t google the frog. Sorry, I got nothing ---
**Author:** ![InterestedObserver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@InterestedObserver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InterestedObserver)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2010, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-greatly-swinging-pendulum-of-my-wifes-libido/543994/17 "2010-06-22T20:53:04Z")
I have to ask; what sort of working out is she doing? The reason I ask is that if it involves a lot of sitting/riding (stationary bike or other “saddle” seated device) it MIGHT be resulting in some crotchal deadening(the scientific term for it, I believe:D)/nerve damage. I used to bike about 60 miles a week, and even with my nice gel seat, it DID leave me a bit number than usual at times…to the point that I wasn’t as responsive as I usually was. DH noticed as well. Usually, testosterone results in not only more desire but more responsiveness (I thought? 😕) And working out usually results in more energy overall. BUT if she is wearing herself out, maybe she’s just too damn TIRED to come! Speaking for myself, one who will virtually never turn down sex (well, when I had a partner…I turn it down from strangers;)) and seldom had any problems reaching “completion”, there have been times when I was just physically exhausted and, try as I/we might, I just couldn’t get there. Same thing happened if I’d had too much to drink. My libido, always high, REALLY peaked after 40, even a bit before. But seems like her libido is not the issue, just her ability to “get there”. As was said, don’t overlook the mind. Maybe she is developing some degree of performance anxiety or just distracted by other things? (THE KIDS!) Maybe have some time alone elsewhere with no worry about the door busting open/the pitter-patter of feet? (that killed it for me everytime…just the thought that we’d be interrupted!) For what it’s worth. Good luck! 🙂