# The Haiku Master says: "You want a piece of me?" **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 18, 2000, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318 "2000-04-18T20:53:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2000, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/41 "2000-04-19T03:21:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by red\_dragon60: > \*\*spam- I’ve already got one- > > tender pink morsel > glistening with salty gel > what the hell is it? > > try to beat that\*\* I think “SPAM” stands for “Some Poor Animal’s Mother”… But I still like it. So do cannibals; They love to eat SPAM because It tastes like people. It’s great when camping; Slice thinly and fry: voila! Bacon substitute! * * * Live a Lush Life Da Chef ---
**Author:** ![as\_u\_wish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6f9a4e/32.png) [@as\_u\_wish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/as_u_wish)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2000, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/42 "2000-04-19T03:27:00Z")
I blush to post this After chef masterpieces But spam inspires me ## Metal encased meat Unknowable mystery It’s mete I meet you inconceivable? i don’t think that word means what you think it does ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2000, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/43 "2000-04-19T03:31:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by Chef Troy: > \*\*…Take the above minced veggies; > Blend into dressing. > > \*\* I feel that I should Make it clear that I know eggs Aren’t vegetables. * * * Live a Lush Life Da Chef ---
**Author:** ![Babar714](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@Babar714](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babar714)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2000, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/44 "2000-04-19T05:09:00Z")
Here are a few I wrote when I was addicted to N64’s Podracer. You may have to know the game to get some of these: Teemto Pagalies Rev your engines, power. Sebulba burns you. Ratts Tyrell’s engines Sound kinda funny today. Missing a pit droid. Ebe Endocott I start with your pod 'Cause Anakin’s sucks. Bozzie Baranta Your engines gleam in the hot Tatooine twin suns. Ben Quadinaros, You look like an ear of corn But your pod is fast “Bullseye” Navior Your gambling addiction will surely kill you. Sebulba’s flash vents are certainly illegal. You go, little dug. You die in the film, But I like your podracer. Mars Guo, you kick ass. I tried for six days To beat the Baroonda course. Thank you, Abacus. Executioner Antigravity tunnels. Let me count the ways… Up agead, what’s that? Another short-cut, I hope. No, a sandcrawler. Do you hear that noise? Damn pesky Tusken Raiders Camped out over night. ---
**Author:** ![as\_u\_wish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6f9a4e/32.png) [@as\_u\_wish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/as_u_wish)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2000, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/45 "2000-04-19T16:09:00Z")
Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Hormel branded Treet Compressed quasi-nutrition Or Python refrain * * * inconceivable? i don’t think that word means what you think it does ---
**Author:** ![Trion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ccd318/32.png) [@Trion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trion)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2000, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/46 "2000-04-19T16:17:00Z")
Ok Chef, I’ll try. How about a haiku on the major flaws in Creationism Theory. * * * “My mind reels with sarcastic replies!” - Snoopy ---
**Author:** ![SwimmingRiddles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/43a26b/32.png) [@SwimmingRiddles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SwimmingRiddles)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2000, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/47 "2000-04-19T16:49:00Z")
Two weeks of classes left. Will Riddles survive? Only time will tell. (that’s my self absorbed haiku for the day.) * * * A little persistance goes a long way. Announcing: “I go on guilt trips a couple of time a year. Mom books them for me.” A custom made Wally .sig! ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/48 "2000-04-20T03:30:00Z")
I can’t write haikus But I request Chef Troy try subject: “pantyhose”. That was pretty bad. But here’s another subject. Give “breadfruit” a shot. Is one more okay? “Brake lining” might be a tough topic to haiku. ---
**Author:** ![Homer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/df788c/32.png) [@Homer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homer)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/49 "2000-04-20T04:54:00Z")
It is of concern to keep this vital part in shape, lining brake. You do not wish to slam into a fat guy named Fingers, fix brake pads Today I blew it had to work, didn’t go with her Goddess Diana Perhaps next week I shall ask her to go with me maybe for ice cream Probably not, though Ice cream sound so fifties Let’s go to sockhop I tried to write some in colloquim, but they were sad like dead clowns She wanted to read them, the only good one was about saggy foot Okay, so I stole from Tom Green, but saggy feet is his least worry He has a growth in his nutsack, poor crazy Tom Green cut off balls, cancer I drop the paddle to my left hand, then switch it back to my right hand I’ve had a table in my basement for years, on that green wood, many tears Hit it fast like a Chinese man, playing in the Olympics. Play, man –Tim does not have any funny things to haiku about tonite, later, ok? * * * You can’t accidently create a handicapped baby whilst smoking pot. - **Coldfire** ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Watson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Dr.Watson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Watson)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/50 "2000-04-20T05:34:00Z")
Can we trust the Chef To separate Bacon from His roman a’ clef? Dr. Watson “If it isn’t midsummer, why am I dreaming?” ---
**Author:** ![the\_Scarlet\_Pimpernel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f1d935/32.png) [@the\_Scarlet\_Pimpernel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_Scarlet_Pimpernel)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/51 "2000-04-20T12:05:00Z")
You are all weirdos. But I’m laughing anyway. I need more hobbies. * * * Hey, sweetie! You want a Danish with that coffee? – _another custom design by the mind of Wally_ A man said to the universe: “Sir, I exist!” “However,” replied the universe, “The fact has not created in me A sense of obligation.” – Stephen Crane ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/52 "2000-04-20T12:32:00Z")
Your Haiku is nice It’s not just 17 words In three lines, broken Introduction first Exposition then follows Then last-Conclusion The sun has risen As we get ready for work This thought comes-Don’t go! Just to take all the words, break up the sentence, is not proper Haiku ## I must go to work Looking forward to days end My keyboard awaits Eagles may soar free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/53 "2000-04-20T12:59:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by Trion: > \*\*Ok Chef, I’ll try. How about a haiku on the major flaws in Creationism Theory. > \*\* I’m no expert, but The complete lack of proof is What bugs me the most. * * * Live a Lush Life Da Chef ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/54 "2000-04-20T13:07:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by Kat: > \*\*I can’t write haikus > But I request Chef Troy try > subject: “pantyhose”. > > That was pretty bad. > But here’s another subject. > Give “breadfruit” a shot. > > Is one more okay? > “Brake lining” might be a tough > topic to haiku.\*\* **Pantyhose** Ironic: so strong They can replace a fan belt, But a snag ruins them. **Breadfruit** The natives eat this Starchy foodstuff. I tried it: “Ewww! Where’s McDonalds?” **Brake Lining** Brake shops can do this Quite cheaply, “in most cases.” (But not in your case.) * * * Live a Lush Life Da Chef ---
**Author:** ![purrplebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/90ced4/32.png) [@purrplebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purrplebear)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/55 "2000-04-20T13:20:00Z")
Asleep, he dreams and Happy dandelions are Dancing in his head. Cheffie, how about one in recipe form for unconditional love, hidden. * * * You are more than a human being, you are a human becoming. Og Mandino That’s my name, not a description. I am neither purple nor a bear. Okay, so I’m purple.\ ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/56 "2000-04-20T13:20:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by slythe: > \*\*Your Haiku is nice > It’s not just 17 words > In three lines, broken > > Introduction first > Exposition then follows > Then last-Conclusion > > The sun has risen > As we get ready for work > This thought comes-Don’t go! > Just to take all the > words, break up the sentence, is > not proper Haiku > > I must go to work > Looking forward to days end > My keyboard awaits > > \*\* Why go to the work Of chasing me to two boards To sneer at my stuff? “Haiku Master” is just a humorous title. Don’t you get it, Slythe? These are just for fun, Not meant as serious art. But I CAN do those. _**Ancient, gnarled tree bark Meets tender little-boy skin. Joy turns into tears.**_ Please save your bad vibes. If you want to sneer at me, Go start your own thread. * * * Live a Lush Life Da Chef ---
**Author:** ![Milossarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Milossarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Milossarian)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/57 "2000-04-20T13:21:00Z")
How about a haiku on erectile dysfunction, cheffie? Thank God for “Straight Dope,” For I have two hours of work But eight hours on-clock. * * * Give me immortality, or give me death! ---
**Author:** ![Trion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ccd318/32.png) [@Trion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trion)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/58 "2000-04-20T13:24:00Z")
That was great Chef. Thanks! You are truely the master. * * * “My mind reels with sarcastic replies!” - Snoopy ---
**Author:** ![h\_thur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/db5fbb/32.png) [@h\_thur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/h_thur)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/59 "2000-04-20T13:28:00Z")
How about one on El Chupacabra? Thanks for the love note, Chef! Love note so fluid, punctuated by my sighs. You are my plural. Yours, Heather ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/60 "2000-04-20T14:13:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by purplebear: > \*\*Cheffie, how about one in recipe form for unconditional love, hidden. > \*\* Your happiness, love, Is essential to my own. But you’ll never know. Oops, that’s not in recipe form. How about: Take one part desire, One part unreturned longing; Ferment in the dark. Darn it, that’s in recipe form but it isn’t about unconditional love. third time’s the charm: Take adoration, Remove all contingencies, And you’ll have a dog. * * * Live a Lush Life Da Chef [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318.md?page=4)