# The Haiku Master says: "You want a piece of me?" **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 18, 2000, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318 "2000-04-18T20:53:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/61 "2000-04-20T14:22:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by Milossarian: > **How about a haiku on erectile dysfunction, cheffie?** Now that’s fertile ground for haiku, if you’ll pardon the pun. Vasodilators Could have saved Bob Dole’s campaign. Go, Viagra, go! Here’s another one: Have we discovered Why Slythe’s angry? “Don’t worry, It happens to all guys.” And another: My iguana’s sick. He’s all floppy. Could he have Reptile dysfunction? * * * Live a Lush Life Da Chef ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/62 "2000-04-20T14:25:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by h\_thur: > \*\*How about one on El Chupacabra? > \*\* Hey, forget Bigfoot! This goat-sucking monster has Much more charisma. * * * Live a Lush Life Da Chef ---
**Author:** ![as\_u\_wish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6f9a4e/32.png) [@as\_u\_wish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/as_u_wish)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/63 "2000-04-20T16:24:00Z")
Chef, I figured Slythe was referring to the rest of us apprentices, journeymen, and general pseudo-haiku writers. His comments could never apply to the master. 😃 * * * Inconceivable? I don’t think that word means what you think it does. ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/64 "2000-04-20T18:02:00Z")
In keeping with the theme of the thread, and yet getting a message across: Dear Haiku Master, Please check your email soonest. A message awaits. (Yes, I know it sucked. I never claimed to be the Haiku master, either…) ---
**Author:** ![purrplebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/90ced4/32.png) [@purrplebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purrplebear)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/65 "2000-04-20T19:22:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by Chef Troy: > \*\* Your happiness, love, > Is essential to my own. > But you’ll never know. > > Oops, that’s not in recipe form. How about: > > Take one part desire, > One part unreturned longing; > Ferment in the dark. > > Darn it, that’s in recipe form but it isn’t about unconditional love. third time’s the charm: > > Take adoration, > Remove all contingencies, > And you’ll have a dog. > > \*\* Thanks, Cheffie! I love them. You are indeed the Master. \ _Ahem!_ Oops! :o * * * You are more than a human being, you are a human becoming. Og Mandino That’s my name, not a description. I am neither purple nor a bear. Okay, so I’m purple.\ ---
**Author:** ![Tommy-Tutone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3ab097/32.png) [@Tommy-Tutone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tommy-Tutone)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/66 "2000-04-20T19:48:00Z")
Err, Chef… If I am not mistaken, many of your so-called ‘haiku’ are not haiku. Any stooge can write 5-7-5 syllables, but for it to qualify as a haiku, each line must be an INDEPENDENT CLAUSE. Therefore: Would you like to see my list of ingredients would NOT qualify as a haiku. Soylent Green llama, Is it man or animal? Charlton Heston knows. Y2K’s coming, The end of the world is near, Enjoy a Big Mac. Dick Van Patten dad, Willie Ames, Adam Rich sons, Eight is just enough. Gary Coleman’s broke, Brother’s jailed, sister’s dead. Whatchoo talkin’ bout? Erik Estrada. CHIPS cop or Latin lover? Poncherello rules! Nutrasweet and Coke, Sugar rush and caffeiene high. Bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce. Your ass is so large, It absorbs sunlight dammit. Lose some freakin’ weight! O purple llama, Silly, silly llama friend, You taste so darn good. 80’s station on, What? Please no goddamned Enya, Gonna’ slit wrists now. Playing Scrabble well, Got the triple word score, yay! Aximaglumous. Happy Holidays, Be healthy, wealthy, and wise, Joy to the llamas. Llama, o llama, My six-legged super pet, Let me eat your cheese. Jungle lord Tarzan, Master of all that he sees, But not the llamas. Sail the Love Boat, Meet television’s has-beens, Oh god, not cancelled! Llamas are the best, They help you keep warm at night, They taste good at noon. O Valentine’s Day, Have your love come for dinner, Eat her with gravy. That Homer Simpson, He thought a waffle was God, Mmmmmm… sacralicious. O-S-C-A-R, M-A-Y-E-R it’s spelled, Llama bologna. The llama is all, It is our breath and our light, Without it, nothing. Don’t fear the llama, It just wants to be your friend, It will then eat you. My llama mama, In Alabama slamma’, Why did you eat him? Why do you eat Spam? Is it because it’s healthy, Or tastes like people? Chocolate llama, So delicate, so gentle, I’ll bite your head off. Naughty Courtney Love, What did you do to poor Kurt, You are no llama. Ahoy submarine, I love your long hard body, Chock full of seamen. Boobooboobooboo, Boobooboobooboobooboo, A ghost convention. Misfits of Science, We miss you on NBC, Cancelled far too soon. BA Barakus, I pity the foo’ sucka’, Keep me off that plane. Pastrami on rye, Is there anything better? Sex cannot compare. Riding the short bus, Wiping the drool off the chin, Corky strikes again. ---
**Author:** ![Catrandom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7bcc69/32.png) [@Catrandom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catrandom)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/67 "2000-04-20T20:28:00Z")
:::wah? What?:: I’m sorry, I must have nodded off… Catrandom ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/68 "2000-04-20T20:53:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by Catrandom: > \*\*:::wah? What?:: > > I’m sorry, I must have nodded off… > > Catrandom\*\* And just whom was that intended to insult? * * * Live a Lush Life Da Chef ---
**Author:** ![Talkinsquirrel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f6c823/32.png) [@Talkinsquirrel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Talkinsquirrel)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/69 "2000-04-20T21:05:00Z")
fire breathin circus midgets 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Talkinsquirrel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f6c823/32.png) [@Talkinsquirrel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Talkinsquirrel)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/70 "2000-04-20T21:08:00Z")
heres a haiku i write it sad ☹ As the white snow falls A lost baby bird cries out for its lost mother ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2000, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/71 "2000-04-20T23:42:00Z")
Oh, Haiku “Master” I’m sorry your pride is hurt Only _you_ may rhyme?? My Haiku lessons Were meant to help those who try Not to undermine If you wish, I’ll leave I did not want to mock you Other threads await * * * Eagles may soar free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. ---
**Author:** ![Greyson3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/258eb7/32.png) [@Greyson3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greyson3)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2000, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/72 "2000-04-21T01:36:00Z")
Goddamn it, Chief Troy. You truly are the master. Green leaves fall on snow. But you’ve met your match. You are not infallible! Autumn moon shines bright. Felching is kid’s stuff. Lonely flowers cry to wind. Try an Amish one. A special haiku. Red trees bear fruit made of glass. This one is in Deutsch! * * * “I believe every word that man just said, because it’s exactly what I wanted to hear.” -Space Ghost ---
**Author:** ![Catrandom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7bcc69/32.png) [@Catrandom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catrandom)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2000, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/73 "2000-04-21T06:06:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by Chef Troy: > \*\* And just whom was that intended to insult? > \*\* Yikes! I thought it was clear that, such as it was, it was aimed at Mr. Tutone, a.k.a. the loquacious newbie who obviously hadn’t read through the thread. Sorry, sorry, sorry :o From now on I stick to my own “no flaming” rule. Catrandom ---
**Author:** ![Major\_Feelgud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3be4f8/32.png) [@Major\_Feelgud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Major_Feelgud)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2000, 8:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/74 "2000-04-21T08:44:00Z")
Haiku Master, here are two subjects: 1. French voltigeurs 2. Lumbar intradisk herniation ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2000, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/75 "2000-04-21T23:23:00Z")
If no one objects? I’ll attempt to make Haiku Using those phrases Infantry snipers Regimental riflemen How irregular! ## Football star’s lament Herniated intradisk Out for the season Eagles may soar free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. ---
**Author:** ![Major\_Feelgud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3be4f8/32.png) [@Major\_Feelgud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Major_Feelgud)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2000, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/76 "2000-04-22T06:09:00Z")
slythe: I bow to you. I didn’t think anyone knew what a voltigeur was. OK, how about this? 1. hoplon 2. lamina ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2000, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/77 "2000-04-22T15:37:00Z")
The Greek infantry Small round shields guarding troops Go, Hoplites, Go! Do you mean the leaf? Perhaps a narrow rock bed, Or horse hoof tissue? ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2000, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/78 "2000-04-22T16:59:00Z")
The Cuban boy saved No longer a prisoner Of hot politics “Dr. Laura” Show Inciteful dialogue, or Inciting hatred? ## NBA Playoffs So many teams, so much time It lasts forever! Eagles may soar free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. ---
**Author:** ![Major\_Feelgud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3be4f8/32.png) [@Major\_Feelgud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Major_Feelgud)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2000, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/79 "2000-04-23T07:57:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by slythe: > \*\*The Greek infantry > Small round shields guarding troops > Go, Hoplites, Go! > > Do you mean the leaf? > Perhaps a narrow rock bed, > Or horse hoof tissue?\*\* slythe: Excellent! But it should be: The Greek infantry Large round shields guarding troops Go, Hoplites, Go! Lamina: I mean the bone… OK, what about: Qin Shi Huangdi? ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2000, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-haiku-master-says-you-want-a-piece-of-me/16318/80 "2000-04-23T15:57:00Z")
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