# The Holy Word of Ted **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 15, 2004, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-holy-word-of-ted/240224 "2004-04-15T20:03:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Celyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@Celyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Celyn)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-holy-word-of-ted/240224/1 "2004-04-15T20:03:24Z")
Is there ANY limit to human weirdness? Because I reached this site through a humour link, I thought at first that it was all tongue in cheek… Alas, misery, woe and gnashing of teeth, I fear it is not. Here are some new commmandments, for instance - our Mr. TedJesusChristGod is quite a bossy sort, it seems. [http://www.tedjesuschristgod.org/tjcgttb/tjcgttb\_thetjcgcommandments.htm](http://www.tedjesuschristgod.org/tjcgttb/tjcgttb_thetjcgcommandments.htm) Subjects very close to his heart seem to be sex - (or why most of it is a “DRASTIC SIN”), and computers/internet: the poor lad get hacked by demons, you know. I warn you - his writings are shorter than "War and Peace, but not, perhaps, by very much. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![YellowTail](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/b5ac83/32.png) [@YellowTail](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YellowTail)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-holy-word-of-ted/240224/2 "2004-04-15T21:20:39Z")
“Do not attempt to overthrow God.” Okay, I’ll just lob it to Him. “Never put yourself or anybody or anything up to or higher than God!” What’s His current altitude? “Do not compete too much with the Creator.” Just a little wrestlin’ once in awhile? “Do not cut of the balls of any man that is called castration.” Can I cut the balls off a man called George? “If a Human then do not have sex with animals.” Ah, aliens have all the fun. “Do not become a Mafia member.” They wouldn’t take me anyway. “Do not Mickey anybodies drink.” Are Goofy and Donald okay? “Do not allow sodomy to be done to you.” I can only say No so many times. “Do not bite anybody too hard while having sex.” So nibbling is okay? “Do not shave your public area.” You mean like my face? ---
**Author:** ![HumptysHamhole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f0a364/32.png) [@HumptysHamhole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HumptysHamhole)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2004, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-holy-word-of-ted/240224/3 "2004-04-15T21:42:00Z")
Thank you Celyn - I just got laid off today and this helped me a lot. This is one of the funniest things I have ssen in a long time. It is such a strange mixture of the obvious (Do not eat people) with the bizzare (Do not if a women or female straddle a motorcycle and ride a motorcycle or be given a ride because this is not proper and she can have orgasms from the vibrations). Throw in the strange grammer and presto - instant hilarity. My faves: Do not verbalize Ted in a swearing tone. Do not Mass Murder. Do not get into the movie or television or entertainment industry. Do not Mickey anybodies drink. If a women or female do NOT be a women libber. Do not live in wicked cities. Do not become or be a dirty person. Do not get penis implants. Do not use stolen source code. Do not put your penis between a women or females breast and have sex and then ejaculate on her. Do not wear cowboy boots. Do not make bombs and have fun with them. Some of it is downright scary: Do not neglect to marry off your daughter soon after she starts her period and starts to bleed periodically because when doing this she is adult for a human and is old enough to reproduce and is ready and is old enough to be and should be getting married! Holy shit! ---
**Author:** ![Celyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@Celyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Celyn)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2004, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-holy-word-of-ted/240224/4 "2004-04-19T18:16:22Z")
> [@HumptysHamhole](#): > > … This is one of the funniest things I have ssen in a long time. 🙂 And for your added amusement, he wants to be your President. > [@](#): > > This is the OFFICIAL site for the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. Ted Jesus Christ GOD is the Second Coming! HE is on World Earth now! TJCG is OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCING that HE is running for the Presidency of the United States of America. Vote for Ted Jesus Christ GOD to be a future President of the United States of America. [http://www.tedjesuschristgod.org/](http://www.tedjesuschristgod.org/) Theh last commandment you quoted was interesting - do you suppose it is all right to make bombs if you _don’t_ happen to find it fun? I’m sorry to hear about your job, but I hope Mr. Ted keeps providing amusement. 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2004, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-holy-word-of-ted/240224/5 "2004-04-19T18:41:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Do not do anything Gay or Lesbian or Bi-sexual or Homosexual Paging Esprix, Paging Esprix… > [@](#): > > Do not have sex with more than 1 of the opposite gender at the same time. [lawrence] Ahhh, man. [/lawrence] ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2004, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-holy-word-of-ted/240224/6 "2004-04-19T18:44:49Z")
> [@](#): > > **Do not watch ballet.** You are getting entertained by DarkSide Humans and that are Possessed. Therefore here you are getting entertained mostly by Satan or Devil and Demons. ::::snicker:::: ---
**Author:** ![Flutterby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Flutterby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flutterby)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2004, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-holy-word-of-ted/240224/7 "2004-04-19T18:52:03Z")
Ted has many interesting things to say. > **[The power of Ted Jesus COMMANDS YOU!](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=243432)** > > Somebody on another MB posted a link to this. It’s a guy who calls himself “Ted Jesus Christ God” and he claims to be the second coming. He has a huge list of commandments that are comedy gold. There are too many to paste them all but here are a... ---
**Author:** ![Yamirskoonir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/c0e974/32.png) [@Yamirskoonir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yamirskoonir)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2004, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-holy-word-of-ted/240224/8 "2004-04-19T20:19:15Z")
Anybody else get the sense that although his commandments are supposedly listed in order of importance, he’s just going with flow-of-thought here? Example: > [@](#): > > Do not pierce your body in sexual places. > Do not pierce your body in strange places. > Do not pierce your tongue. > Do not piece your belly button. > Do not participate in Exotic Erotic Balls. …cuz, you know, a lot of piercings have BALLS! And if “strange places” isn’t specific enough, he narrows down the whole “tongue” and “belly button” thing for us… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2004, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-holy-word-of-ted/240224/9 "2004-04-19T21:44:40Z")
> [@YellowTail](#): > > “Do not cut of the balls of any man that is called castration.” Can I cut the balls off a man called George? ENOUGH WITH THE BUSH BASHING! :mad: 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Celyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@Celyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Celyn)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2004, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-holy-word-of-ted/240224/10 "2004-04-19T22:09:20Z")
> [@Obsidian Flutterby](#): > > Ted has many interesting things to say. > > [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=243432](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=243432) Oops - I had not realised it had been posted before - damn, and I missed it. ☹ Feck! Oops again - that’s **Fathr** Ted. ---
**Author:** ![Flutterby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Flutterby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flutterby)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2004, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-holy-word-of-ted/240224/11 "2004-04-19T23:06:35Z")
I figured I’d let you know. It is a hilarious site though 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![BellaDellaItalia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/fbc32d/32.png) [@BellaDellaItalia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellaDellaItalia)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2004, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-holy-word-of-ted/240224/12 "2004-04-19T23:29:55Z")
Do not do women and female circumcision. Do not eat people. Do not strangle anybody while having sex. Do not eat anything that is snake. Do not buy or have or decorate with Santa Clauses or Elves and Reindeer at Christmas time because these are a DISTRACTION from Evil. I didn’t know we were supposed to be focused on evil at Christmas… ---
**Author:** ![bluecanary](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bluecanary/32/3614_2.png) [@bluecanary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bluecanary)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2004, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-holy-word-of-ted/240224/13 "2004-04-20T00:06:00Z")
The prophecies (udner the heading ‘Third Testament To Bibles’) are brilliant too. Some of the best ones: Chapter 1 > [@](#): > > A Drop is when there is an upload and then these can be resurrected. > [@](#): > > Satan and the Demons use telephones and pagers and fax machines and cellular phones and digital devices and computers and the internet and more. Those hack people with these devices also. _ **Those are drastic hackers** _. Bwa-ha-ha 😃 Chapter 2 > [@](#): > > Satan is a complete DRAGON and acts like a DRAGON and is MEAN like a DRAGON! > [@](#): > > Satan and the Demons can also gamble with their spiritual surveillance. > [@](#): > > Satan and the Demons are LIVID! > [@](#): > > Satan is getting set up Satan is saying! Chapter 3 > [@](#): > > This is WAR! This WAR is escalating to a physical WAR! > [@](#): > > This is THE TRUTH! Then you cannot handle THE TRUTH! I think you lost something in this one, Oh great Ted Jesus Christ God! > [@](#): > > Satan is LIVID and is trying to figure out what Satan can say next! LOLOLOL 😃 Chapter 4 > [@](#): > > TJCG is a so and so Satan wants to ACCUSE! > [@](#): > > Why is GOD all capital letters of GOD instead of God or god? Because GOD is going to be much larger in the future. GOD is going to be THE ALMIGHTY THE ONE GOD! Footnotes > [@](#): > > Genetically Altering yourself or having this done to your minor children is a DRASTIC SIN! What about your major children? Contradiction Central: 1) > [@](#): > > 7 The AIDS virus is getting propagated on World Earth by the Spiritual LightSide! > 8 The AIDS virus is not getting propagated on World Earth by the Spiritual LightSide and They are NOT helping to find a cure! 1. > [@](#): > > 23 Many of the Demons are Satanist! > 26 Many Satanist are Demons! Wow! ---
**Author:** ![Manduck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/manduck/32/256_2.png) [@Manduck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Manduck)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2004, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-holy-word-of-ted/240224/14 "2004-04-20T00:37:53Z")
There are so many gems, but this one caught my eye: > [@](#): > > Do not threaten people unless these deserve to be threatened.