# The Incident **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 5, 2018, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229 "2018-02-05T17:26:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 7:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/61 "2018-02-08T07:00:29Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > Would any women posters that have been told variations of this throughout their lives like to chime in? Sorry; since we’re not in the Pit I’ll mostly have to let the reader fill in the blanks. All I can say is that getting the message that your parents are Not On Your Side hurts like few things can. Parents can and must correct their children, direct them, make decisions for them, teach them to accept no and to say no… but always the child should know that their parents are on their side, that even if you disagree, whatever your parents are choosing that you disagree with, they’re choosing it because they sincerely think it’s best for you. ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 8:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/62 "2018-02-08T08:11:36Z")
> [@keturah](#): > > You either have no grasp of the situation, or you are deliberately provoking people who do understand the reality of what happened expressly to get a response from them. Which is it? The reality of the situation has nothing to do with my response. I am responding to people, posters here and maybe also the principals in the incident, who want blood just because it is in their nature to want blood as “closure”, a euphemism for revenge. Firing or imprisoning anybody is not going to undo anything that has already occurred. ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 8:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/63 "2018-02-08T08:19:46Z")
> [@raventhief](#): > > Again, if you were assaulted would you press charges? I have been, more than once, and no I didn’t. I believe the psychiatric term for it is “projection”, to assume that everyone would react the same way you would. ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 8:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/64 "2018-02-08T08:25:20Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > I have been, more than once, and no I didn’t. > > I believe the psychiatric term for it is “projection”, to assume that everyone would react the same way you would. Yes, it’s clearly projection to believe that those who commit a violent crime should be prosecuted. I hope no small children (who are unable to protect themselves) look to you for any sort of protection, if your reaction to assault is " get over it. " ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 8:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/65 "2018-02-08T08:26:55Z")
“Freudian projection”, a defense mechanism in which one attributes to others one’s own unacceptable or unwanted attributes, thoughts, or emotions. Revenge would certainly qualify as unacceptable. ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 8:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/66 "2018-02-08T08:29:20Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > The reality of the situation has nothing to do with my response. I am responding to people, posters here and maybe also the principals in the incident, who want blood just because it is in their nature to want blood as “closure”, a euphemism for revenge. Firing or imprisoning anybody is not going to undo anything that has already occurred. That is the case of most crimes. Should no crimes, regardless of level of violence, be prosecuted? ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 8:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/67 "2018-02-08T08:31:58Z")
Packerman, I’m so sorry that this happened. ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 9:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/68 "2018-02-08T09:09:15Z")
> [@raventhief](#): > > That is the case of most crimes. Should no crimes, regardless of level of violence, be prosecuted? No crimes? Absolutely zero? Of courses not. A system of justice is supposed to sort that out. But I have a funny idea about justice. I think of it as being a sort of a blend of retribution and compassion for the accused, rather than just blank check revenge. I’ve known some people who were offenders. I used to work with them. Many, maybe most, were pretty decent people. Our system of “justice” destroyed their lives forever, but their victims got over it and moved on. Read that sentence again. Our system of “justice” destroyed their lives forever, but their victims got over it and moved on. Where’s the justice? ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 9:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/69 "2018-02-08T09:42:36Z")
> [@PackerMan](#): > > For those asking why we wouldn’t want to watch the video- from the descriptions we were told it definitely was battery. Are you sadists? That was perhaps the most difficult thing I have ever had to view. **PackerMan** , I don’t want to be unkind, but this bothers me. Parenting doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your entire self. But it does mean that when your kid needs you, your kid comes first. I’m sure it was difficult to view. But let’s say you were out with your kid and they were in a terrible accident of some sort - let’s say they were howling in pain from a compound fracture and you could see their leg bone sticking out. It might take a while for the ambulance to arrive, and meanwhile your kid is terrified and in agony. This would have to be an incredibly difficult thing for a parent to view. So, do you think that anyone who believes you should stay with your child and hold their hand is a “sadist”? Sometimes being a good parent means caring more about your child’s suffering than your own. Even if that is really, really hard. I’m glad you watched the video, and I do feel sorry that it caused you pain, but I can’t understand how you can defend the choice not to look at it. ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_MB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steve_mb/32/5339_2.png) [@Steve\_MB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_MB)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 11:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/70 "2018-02-08T11:14:40Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > I think of it as being a sort of a blend of retribution and compassion for the accused Given the information presented so far (the video shows the aide to be clearly guilty with nothing that could reasonably constitute extenuating circumstances and is only sorry that she got caught), the compassion “blend” in this case should follow a homeopathic recipe. ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/71 "2018-02-08T13:50:14Z")
> [@PackerMan](#): > > Now my blood is boiling. It was more violent than I was anticipating. It wasn’t a matter of him being restrained against the window. His head was slammed against it. > > He was not misbehaving at all. She invaded his personal space and instigated everything. This woman is 350 pounds easily. He was in the seat in front of her leaning over to see some other kids and she moved into his seat for some reason. She smushed him. That is why he “shoved” her. He didn’t say anything disrespectful. > > The detective seems like a bulldog. She was pissed off. She is going to talk to the states attorney tonight about the charges. She said the only remorse the aide showed was that she would lose her job. Sorry you had to see that. Did your wife also watch it? If so, has it changed her feelings about pressing charges? ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/72 "2018-02-08T14:23:00Z")
> [@PackerMan](#): > > I’m sure it will haunt my memory every day for the rest of my life. Yesterday I was tempted to post that your responses/posts overall had struck me as very reasonable and understandable. This last bit kinda struck me as over-the-top. One of my 3 kids had a spectrum-related (I dislike that term) IEP, and we experienced our share of child-rearling stresses with all 3. Likely nothing we experienced was _quite_ as severe as your situation. And I have often wondered when I hear of people - for example - whose child was murdered/kidnapped, and who seem to make that event a/the significant feature of the rest of their lives. But never having been in that situation, I try not to judge. Just saying, given how you describe your kid, he and you are going to face a number of challenges over the years. I’m not diminishing how wrongly this aide acted, but suggest you figure out how to keep such events from overly coloring all aspects of your life/being/perceptions. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/73 "2018-02-08T15:18:52Z")
> [@PackerMan](#): > > For those asking why we wouldn’t want to watch the video- from the descriptions we were told it definitely was battery. Are you sadists? That was perhaps the most difficult thing I have ever had to view. It didn’t change our position or direction. I’m sure it will haunt my memory every day for the rest of my life. Dude. You only _watched_ it. Your son _lived_ the experience, felt the pain & fear himself. You only saw pixels moving across the screen; nobody smacked your head. I’m glad you finally sacked up & watched the damn thing, so you can initiate the necessary steps for removing that person from working with children … but the statement you made reminded me of that Nassar “doctor” who sexually assaulted hundreds of gymnasts for years, then whined about having to sit through their impact statements for a couple of days. Why did you accuse us of being sadists? None of us were imploring you to watch the video because we enjoy watching violence and thought you’d have fun viewing it, ferchrissakes. The detective is the only person who’s looking out for YOUR kiddo, and that really bothers me. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/74 "2018-02-08T15:36:35Z")
Now that you have seen the video, do you still think there was a chance your son was the one at fault? _That_ is why I wanted you to view the video-to erase that rationalization/excuse for not backing your own son. ---
**Author:** ![Maurie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@Maurie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maurie)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/75 "2018-02-08T16:30:32Z")
I’ve shared my opinion of **jtur88** ’s contribution to this thread [here](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=848854). I can only imagine how horrible it must have been to watch that video, **PackerMan** , but I think you did the right thing. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/76 "2018-02-08T16:35:58Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > I’ve known some people who were offenders. I used to work with them. Many, maybe most, were pretty decent people. Our system of “justice” destroyed their lives forever, but their victims got over it and moved on. Read that sentence again. Our system of “justice” destroyed their lives forever, but their victims got over it and moved on. Where’s the justice? No, their ACTIONS destroyed their lives. You sound like the kind of guy who says “I wouldn’t have been in trouble if you hadn’t told on me!” ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/77 "2018-02-08T16:36:15Z")
> [@Steve\_MB](#): > > the video shows the aide to be clearly guilty with nothing that could reasonably constitute extenuating circumstances and is only sorry that she got caught You’ve seen the video? Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![tnetennba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7993a0/32.png) [@tnetennba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tnetennba)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/78 "2018-02-08T17:05:15Z")
> [@PackerMan](#): > > Hello all. I’ve been a lurker for 15+ years, so I don’t feel all that new. I’ve never really felt like I’ve had anything I’ve wanted to post before. Something occurred recently that I thought might be good to type out to help process. > > My son is 6 and in first grade. He has behavioral issues and has been seeing a psychiatrist and therapist for a couple of years. His main behavior issues are defiance, refusal to engage in non-preferred tasks, elopement and physical aggression. He was kicked out of several pre-schools and Kindergarten did not go well for the first few months. He was given an IEP and moved to a special classroom with about 5-6 other students with a teacher and two aides. There has been a lot of improvement in his behavior and education. He had recently started mainstreaming in math and it was going well. > > The new classroom is in a different school in our district and so he receives bussing service. Last week there was an incident on the bus, which is causing my wife and I a lot of emotional pain. It has put his behavior into a tailspin and undone a lot of the progress he has made over the past year. > > My wife received a call from the principle at his school. He was acting up in class and told her that his head hurt and that the aide on the bus pushed him up against the window. There is a video of The Incident. My wife and I really don’t want to see it but as it is described to us, the aide assaulted our son. DCFS came to our home on Friday and interviewed him. He doesn’t really want to talk to us about it. The DCFS employee said he likely is embarrassed about it. A detective from the Police Department called me today and said that based on the video, the aide should be charged with Felony assault. > > My wife doesn’t really want to press charges, but left it up to me. After talking with the detective, I said that we would if it was her recommendation. The initial reports were that my son was playing inappropriately and pushed the aide first. The detective said that the video didn’t support that and my son was not behaving inappropriately. > > So, that is where we are. I needed to get that out of my system. I know how supportive all you Dopers are and appreciate any advice. This is freaking me out because literally every point in it could have been written from me. First grader, behavioral issues, several schools, EBD classroom. And struck by a bus aide this week. It is so hauntingly similar I wonder if I wrote it myself under a new account name and had a stroke and forgot. Except my kid is seven. ---
**Author:** ![tnetennba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7993a0/32.png) [@tnetennba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tnetennba)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/79 "2018-02-08T17:08:34Z")
My boy already had issues with this aide and the school was looking at transfering him or putting my son on a different bus, but that would suck because it would be a longer ride home. But after the incident this week I think it’s more likely the aide is fired (my preference) and they simply hire somebody else. Before the incident I did not want the guy fired but he clearly should not be working with kids, and I understand that there has been a series of escalating incidents with this guy. Anyway, I feel you Packer Man. I’m right here in the boat next to you with my own paddle. Hope you get this resolved. ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_MB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steve_mb/32/5339_2.png) [@Steve\_MB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_MB)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/80 "2018-02-08T17:10:41Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > You’ve seen the video? > > Regards, > Shodan Take your pick: 1. State for the record that you believe that PackerMan is giving us a grossly inaccurate [description](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20774817&postcount=53), or 2. Quit [JAQing off](https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Just_asking_questions) in public. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229.md?page=5)