# The Incident **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 5, 2018, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229 "2018-02-05T17:26:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![tnetennba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7993a0/32.png) [@tnetennba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tnetennba)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/81 "2018-02-08T17:13:51Z")
For the record, even if the kid did push the aid HE IS A KID and the ADULT IS AN ADULT. If you’re an adult working with kids you don’t hit back. That’s so elemental it’s not even rule one, it’s like, if you don’t understand it going in you are screened out. ---
**Author:** ![tnetennba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7993a0/32.png) [@tnetennba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tnetennba)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/82 "2018-02-08T17:15:29Z")
I would press charges. If there’s anything we’ve learned recently it’s that people who get off go on doing the same shit to other victims. I doubt this is something he’d go to prison for but the legal record would be there preventing him from working with kids. ---
**Author:** ![PackerMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f17d59/32.png) [@PackerMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PackerMan)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/83 "2018-02-08T17:31:02Z")
I admit that some of my comments have been hyperbolic. I’ve been in a bit of emotional shock since then. My trauma pales in comparison to what my son has endured. I think some of the disagreement over watching the video are semantics. No, I didn’t “want” to watch the video. I realized, with a helping kick in the ass by you fine Dopers, that, despite how difficult it was to watch, it was something that I needed to do. I think I have a different meaning to the word want than most people. My wife frequently will ask me if I want to do something (Do you want to go to carry that box to the basement). My reply - No, I don’t want to do that. I will do damn near anything she asks or hell, even tells me to do. But don’t ask me if I want to. It’s almost a running joke at this point. I’m the same way when she’ll say X needs to be done. Unless you ask or tell me to do X, I’m operating under the assumption that you are going to do it and just making an informational statement. I recognize it is probably just my hangup and it makes me a dick. Having said that, viewing the video didn’t change my feelings on the situation. I wanted to press charges from the start Even if it showed him behaving terribly or verbally provoking her, her actions were completely unwarranted. Seeing how he reacted in the situation actually made me very proud of him. He could have gone batshit on her and who knows how much even worse it could have gotten. I’m going to stay of the fray regarding jTroll, but on the subject of revenge, I found out from my wife her hesitation regarding pressing charges. This person knows where we live. She is worried about the future safety of our family. I recognize the concern, but I’m not about to let that factor into the decision. ---
**Author:** ![PackerMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f17d59/32.png) [@PackerMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PackerMan)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/84 "2018-02-08T17:33:37Z")
> [@tnetennba](#): > > My boy already had issues with this aide and the school was looking at transfering him or putting my son on a different bus, but that would suck because it would be a longer ride home. But after the incident this week I think it’s more likely the aide is fired (my preference) and they simply hire somebody else. Before the incident I did not want the guy fired but he clearly should not be working with kids, and I understand that there has been a series of escalating incidents with this guy. > > Anyway, I feel you Packer Man. I’m right here in the boat next to you with my own paddle. Hope you get this resolved. Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry you and your son are going through this. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/85 "2018-02-08T17:43:59Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > “Freudian projection”, a defense mechanism in which one attributes to others one’s own unacceptable or unwanted attributes, thoughts, or emotions. Revenge would certainly qualify as unacceptable. You have made your opinion abundantly clear. Your personal views on the justice system have been noted by everyone. Anything further will be considered jerkish behavior and dealt with appropriately. So there is no ambiguity, post again in this thread and at the very least you will get an official warning. Do not post in this thread again for any reason. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/86 "2018-02-08T18:05:00Z")
As for everyone else, as was stated in post 75 there is a Pit thread if you want to comment. Do not poke at the poster in question in this thread since he is prohibited from answering. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/87 "2018-02-08T18:23:54Z")
> [@PackerMan](#): > > ect of revenge, I found out from my wife her hesitation regarding pressing charges. This person knows where we live. She is worried about the future safety of our family. I recognize the concern, but I’m not about to let that factor into the decision. I would let the officer you’re working with know that. Tell them you’ve been hesitant to file the charges because you fear she’ll retaliate against you and she knows where you live and ask what your options are. On the one hand, victims file charges left and right, and their addresses are often right on the paperwork. In that regard, your situation is hardly unique. On the other hand, it certainly doesn’t hurt to ask about a restraining or protective order. The worst they can do is decline it. At that point, I would as them to make sure they let her know that she’s not allowed on your property (or your work). By doing this, if she shows up at your house she’s trespassing. Having said all that, if she does make any contact at all with you (and I’d even go so far as to see that you hear through the grapevine that she’s talking about you), I’d report it to the investigator. If you’re concerned Miss Trunchbull is going to do something to harm you, your wife, your kid or your property, by all means protect yourself, legally of course. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/88 "2018-02-08T18:43:08Z")
**PackerMan** , it’s up to you to determine what’s in the best interests of your child, and that may or may not mean that prosecution is called for. The deterrence of possible future misconduct is certainly one consideration for you to take into account, but I think most of us would hesitate to pressure an adult victim of assault to make a decision solely on that basis. If you go forward, your son may have to be personally involved in the proceedings in some way, and his behavioral history might be put into issue. You and your wife will have to consider whether there will be a harmful effect upon him; conversely, he might find it empowering. I recommend that you talk to the detective for as much information as you can get about what your son may be called upon to do. You may wish to retain a lawyer with experience in working with children, so that your son has a legally-knowledgeable advocate to protect his rights at all points in the proceedings. Talk to his therapist for guidance. Consider your son’s wishes as well, while bearing in mind that his life experience and maturity level may afford him only a somewhat limited perspective. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/89 "2018-02-08T18:49:21Z")
**PackerMan** , just a word of support and I hope you’re able to get this resolved. I have a first grader in special education as well and can both empathize where you’re coming from and simultaneously can’t imagine how hurtful it would be. All the best for your family and especially your son. ---
**Author:** ![nightshadea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7ba0ec/32.png) [@nightshadea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nightshadea)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/90 "2018-02-08T19:28:07Z")
you know what you should do ? put it on youtube and facebook and let the world take care of it… your local police will look at it after theres enough people reporting it and I’m told you tube will cooperate with the police … and believe me the wrath of a pissed off internet makes a woman scorned look like cupcakes … ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/91 "2018-02-08T19:36:31Z")
> [@nightshadea](#): > > you know what you should do ? put it on youtube and facebook and let the world take care of it… your local police will look at it after theres enough people reporting it and I’m told you tube will cooperate with the police … and believe me the wrath of a pissed off internet makes a woman scorned look like cupcakes … Are you _trying_ to make it impossible to get justice? Besides making it much harder to find jurors, what if someone should decide that this person needs a retributive beat-down? ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/92 "2018-02-08T19:37:12Z")
> [@nightshadea](#): > > you know what you should do ? put it on youtube and facebook and let the world take care of it… your local police will look at it after theres enough people reporting it and I’m told you tube will cooperate with the police … and believe me the wrath of a pissed off internet makes a woman scorned look like cupcakes … This is the worst advice so far in the thread, and that’s saying a lot. And in the future, you may want to read the entire OP. The police are already involved, have the video, and are recommending pressing charges. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/93 "2018-02-08T19:42:04Z")
> [@nightshadea](#): > > you know what you should do ? put it on youtube and facebook and let the world take care of it… your local police will look at it after theres enough people reporting it and I’m told you tube will cooperate with the police … and believe me the wrath of a pissed off internet makes a woman scorned look like cupcakes … He didn’t want to watch the video himself, and I can’t say I blame him too much. Do you think he actually wants it to go viral? :dubious: The aide should be tried in the appropriate judicial court, not in the court of public opinion. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/94 "2018-02-08T20:01:37Z")
Tho I have very limited (tho some) experience with school bus aides, my impression is that they are quite poorly paid, and not terribly well trained. If you learned of this aide’s socioeconomic background, you might think differently about how much “punishment” was appropriate. I suspect she already has several strikes against her. Smart, wealthy, educated people tend not to apply for these demanding, poorly paid positions. Just saying, the aide very likely was ill-suited for the position. Or maybe she was just having a bad day. She definitely was in the wrong. But I cannot imagine the attitude and effort required of people who work with special needs people. Getting her out of that position, and getting the OP’s son (as best possible) over this incident, strike me as by far the most important goals. I’m not for a second defending this aide’s actions. But the services our schools provide special needs kids, and the price society as a whole is willing to pay for those services, is (IMO) a difficult question. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/95 "2018-02-08T20:03:35Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > The reality of the situation has nothing to do with my response. I am responding to people, posters here and maybe also the principals in the incident, who want blood just because it is in their nature to want blood as “closure”, a euphemism for revenge. Firing or imprisoning anybody is not going to undo anything that has already occurred. You know, you’re absolutely right. I think we should shut down all the prisons. Nobody will be brought back from the dead just because their murderer is in jail, so why bother? I mean, it might protect other people from getting murdered by that same killer, but we don’t know that’s going to happen, so why bother? A woman who was raped and traumatized: having her attacker in jail is not going to undo the rape, so why bother? Because it shows her that society is against rape, and because her attacker can’t hurt anyone else. Pressing charges does two things: 1. Shows the child that adults are NOT allowed to hurt him, and that his parents will protect him 2. Prevents the aide from assaulting anyone else. Which of those two things do you think is useless? I’d love to hear your rationale. Might be the funniest thing I’ve read all week. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/96 "2018-02-08T20:10:26Z")
**Mama Zappa** , see post #86. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/97 "2018-02-08T21:57:23Z")
> [@PackerMan](#): > > Now my blood is boiling. It was more violent than I was anticipating. It wasn’t a matter of him being restrained against the window. His head was slammed against it. > > He was not misbehaving at all. She invaded his personal space and instigated everything. This woman is 350 pounds easily. He was in the seat in front of her leaning over to see some other kids and she moved into his seat for some reason. She smushed him. That is why he “shoved” her. He didn’t say anything disrespectful. > > The detective seems like a bulldog. She was pissed off. She is going to talk to the states attorney tonight about the charges. She said the only remorse the aide showed was that she would lose her job. 350 pounds? How is she even mobile enough to do her job? ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/98 "2018-02-08T22:13:35Z")
> [@Mama\_Zappa](#): > > You know, you’re absolutely right. > > I think we should shut down all the prisons. Nobody will be brought back from the dead just because their murderer is in jail, so why bother? I mean, it might protect other people from getting murdered by that same killer, but we don’t know that’s going to happen, so why bother? A woman who was raped and traumatized: having her attacker in jail is not going to undo the rape, so why bother? Because it shows her that society is against rape, and because her attacker can’t hurt anyone else. > > Pressing charges does two things: > > 1. Shows the child that adults are NOT allowed to hurt him, and that his parents will protect him > 2. Prevents the aide from assaulting anyone else. > > Which of those two things do you think is useless? I’d love to hear your rationale. Might be the funniest thing I’ve read all week. 3)Set an example, not just for other aides, but for other people that when you do something stupid, you have to pay for it. Maybe the next time a special needs aide is on their last nerve and someone jabs them in the side and they want to wring their neck, they’ll take a deep breath and go on with their day.Sure, maybe that person shouldn’t be working with kids, but if knowing your kid is safe _because_ someone else’s reported another aide, that’s a good thing. IOW, if you own a store and you put up cameras, do you care if people don’t steal because they’re good people or because you have cameras and they know they’ll get caught. In the end, it doesn’t matter, they didn’t steal. Yes, that’s a bad example, but I’m hoping it gets the point across. Back to the OP, I’m still going to advocate for reporting it. The kid was tossed against a window and handled hard enough to leave marks. That’s unquestionably abuse. I wouldn’t worry about the fallout. A)If she didn’t want to lose her job, she wouldn’t have done that. B)I’d be willing to bet it’s not the first time she’s abused a kid, just the first time she got caught. One last thing, IIRC, you said the aide was put on leave (or something like that). That means they’ll be back. Either with other kids, probably doing the same thing or maybe even with your kid. In your shoes, I’d rather press charges and worry about someone retaliating against me rather than worry about her back at her old job and taking it out on the kid. And make sure you’re keeping the school in the loop on every single thing. Drop off a copy of each piece of paper you get with the principal or CC them on every email. This will, IMO, help your case since I assume that the aide was hired by the school in some form or another. ---
**Author:** ![HelenGawn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a88e4f/32.png) [@HelenGawn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HelenGawn)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2018, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/99 "2018-02-09T01:51:30Z")
> [@PackerMan](#): > > Having said that, viewing the video didn’t change my feelings on the situation. I wanted to press charges from the start Even if it showed him behaving terribly or verbally provoking her, her actions were completely unwarranted. **Seeing how he reacted in the situation actually made me very proud of him.** He could have gone batshit on her and who knows how much even worse it could have gotten. (Bolding added.) I’m sure you’ve done this, but I just wanted to underline how important it is to say this to him. He may not engage on this matter today or ever, but just letting it seep in will do wonders. It might even help him regain some of the ground this horrible event has cost him and you. ---
**Author:** ![tnetennba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7993a0/32.png) [@tnetennba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tnetennba)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2018, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229/100 "2018-02-09T12:52:59Z")
Just give your support without the proxy parenting. He knows how to raise his kid. He knows. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-incident/808229.md?page=6)