# The "I've seen Machete" thread (giant spoilers ahoy) **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [September 3, 2010, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ive-seen-machete-thread-giant-spoilers-ahoy/552525 "2010-09-03T19:51:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2010, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ive-seen-machete-thread-giant-spoilers-ahoy/552525/1 "2010-09-03T19:51:38Z")
That was a fun way to spend a Friday afternoon. There was a [previous thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=572656) about the trailer, but this was one of those films where the trailer didn’t do the movie justice. And given the awesomeness of the trailer, that’s quite a surprise. Danny Trejo is … well he’s Danny Trejo for the entire movie. Jessica Alba is mostly naked. Robert de Niro has the most gloriously fake Texan accent in many, many years. The plot is, quite frankly, delirious, but that doesn’t really matter in a movie where the whole point is to have as many stylish explosions and gratuitous T&A as possible. Not exactly wholesome family fare, but I think I laughed out loud more than any film in at least the last five years. ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2010, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ive-seen-machete-thread-giant-spoilers-ahoy/552525/2 "2010-09-03T20:08:46Z")
Sounds fantastic! I am so there. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2010, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ive-seen-machete-thread-giant-spoilers-ahoy/552525/3 "2010-09-03T20:24:42Z")
Define “mostly naked” for me please. ---
**Author:** ![Tixenfleaz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9a140/32.png) [@Tixenfleaz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tixenfleaz)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2010, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ive-seen-machete-thread-giant-spoilers-ahoy/552525/4 "2010-09-03T20:46:02Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > Define “mostly naked” for me please. Seconded. Depending on the answer, I may play a strong part in the potential box office success of this move. ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2010, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ive-seen-machete-thread-giant-spoilers-ahoy/552525/5 "2010-09-03T21:19:11Z")
She’s entirely naked most of the time. Plus, bonus wimple :eek: ---
**Author:** ![kasuo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8c91f0/32.png) [@kasuo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kasuo)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2010, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ive-seen-machete-thread-giant-spoilers-ahoy/552525/6 "2010-09-03T23:35:57Z")
Machete don’t text! ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Q](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/898d66/32.png) [@Johnny\_Q](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Q)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2010, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ive-seen-machete-thread-giant-spoilers-ahoy/552525/7 "2010-09-03T23:57:48Z")
Machete will return in… Machete Kills and Machete Kills Again. ---
**Author:** ![squeegee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/squeegee/32/14537_2.png) [@squeegee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/squeegee)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2010, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ive-seen-machete-thread-giant-spoilers-ahoy/552525/8 "2010-09-04T00:25:50Z")
> [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](#): > > She’s entirely naked most of the time. Plus, bonus wimple :eek: Wimple? [Wimple?](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wimple) ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2010, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ive-seen-machete-thread-giant-spoilers-ahoy/552525/9 "2010-09-04T00:50:40Z")
Lindsay Lohan is mostly naked, too (with a stunt double for the tit shots). But yeah, this was simultaneously the worst and the best movie I’ve ever seen. Steven Seagal with a machete sticking out of his chest: “I could kill you at any time. This? This is nothing. This ain’t shit.” ---
**Author:** ![cuberdon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/45deac/32.png) [@cuberdon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cuberdon)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2010, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ive-seen-machete-thread-giant-spoilers-ahoy/552525/10 "2010-09-04T03:54:20Z")
> [@squeegee](#): > > > [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](#): > > > > She’s entirely naked most of the time. Plus, bonus wimple :eek: > > Wimple? [Wimple?](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wimple) Yes, that is correct. ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2010, 12:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ive-seen-machete-thread-giant-spoilers-ahoy/552525/11 "2010-09-04T12:29:02Z")
Did I mention the plot was delirious? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![zamboniracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e9a140/32.png) [@zamboniracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zamboniracer)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2010, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ive-seen-machete-thread-giant-spoilers-ahoy/552525/12 "2010-09-04T13:03:17Z")
You had me at: > [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](#): > > Jessica Alba is mostly naked. But that goes without saying. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ive-seen-machete-thread-giant-spoilers-ahoy/552525/13 "2010-09-05T18:53:43Z")
I can’t decide if it was an homage or parody of bad 70s action flicks. There were lots of hot women and tons of bad fighting. I had fun, but I can’t \*really \*say it was a good movie. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ive-seen-machete-thread-giant-spoilers-ahoy/552525/14 "2010-09-05T20:35:07Z")
I want to be absolutely clear here; do I actually get to see Jessica Alba totally naked? Are we talking boobs? Full frontal? Or just in bikinis and underwear? Need answer fast. I’ve got a $20 bill and I’m holding my car keys. I can be at the multplex in ten minutes. ---
**Author:** ![MostlyClueless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@MostlyClueless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MostlyClueless)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ive-seen-machete-thread-giant-spoilers-ahoy/552525/15 "2010-09-05T22:07:18Z")
There’s a shower scene with Alba. She stands perfectly still, and crotch and nipples are blocked by other body parts. It was filmed with her underwear on, which has been removed in postproduction. ---
**Author:** ![zamboniracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e9a140/32.png) [@zamboniracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zamboniracer)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2010, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ive-seen-machete-thread-giant-spoilers-ahoy/552525/16 "2010-09-06T15:36:53Z")
> [@Khadaji](#): > > I can’t decide if it was an homage or parody of bad 70s action flicks. It is both. > [@Khadaji](#): > > There were lots of hot women and tons of bad fighting. I had fun, but I can’t \*really \*say it was a good movie. Many of the hot women were topless, which was a bonus. My favorite bit was the name of the Spanish-language TV station. ---
**Author:** ![DanBlather](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f4b2a3/32.png) [@DanBlather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DanBlather)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2010, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ive-seen-machete-thread-giant-spoilers-ahoy/552525/17 "2010-09-07T05:32:25Z")
Jessica Alba is too skinny ---
**Author:** ![Atrael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Atrael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atrael)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2010, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ive-seen-machete-thread-giant-spoilers-ahoy/552525/18 "2010-09-07T19:52:55Z")
Great movie. As long as you go see it in the spirit for which it was intended. Basically a B-movie drive-in flick. I thought I read that the topless scenes really were Lohan. Guess I’ll have to go back and watch again. 🙂 Alba was ok, although she had the ‘carefully posed to be naked without showing you anything’ scene, which just annoys me. Either be naked, or let an actress that doesn’t mind being naked have the role. I don’t see that she added anything to the film at all. I had some laugh out loud moments, including the above mentioned “Machete don’t text”. Good film that was worth the money, and I’ll most likely buy when it comes out. ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2010, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ive-seen-machete-thread-giant-spoilers-ahoy/552525/19 "2010-09-09T01:28:42Z")
I saw it tonight. What a fun movie. It passes my I’ll-see-it-again test. I LOL’d when all the cars at the cars at the end were bouncing. Especially when the one car bounced up and crushed the guy. ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2010, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ive-seen-machete-thread-giant-spoilers-ahoy/552525/20 "2010-09-09T02:16:13Z")
My one word review of the movie: gratuitous. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-ive-seen-machete-thread-giant-spoilers-ahoy/552525.md?page=2)