# The Jack Chick of Atheism **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 5, 2001, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-atheism/60856 "2001-04-05T00:30:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-atheism/60856/21 "2001-04-05T15:31:48Z")
\*Originally posted by bunnyhurt \* > [@](#): > > …Oh, and if Jesus were to exist he would also be the devil, by reasons alone! (Duh!)… I know this is supposed to be about Massive, but really. I read this sentence six times. What the hell? “by reasons alone”.by reasons alone.by reasons alone. man can not live by reasons alone. Brian or maybe Massive in all of their religious fervor can explain this. I mean, I should be in charge of the world and all of my minions ruling with an iron fist by reasons alone! Right? And also, as a little aside, the statement just is not true, but that’s never stopped Mr. Bunnyhurt, who I think is trying to paraphrase De Sade. jarbaby ---
**Author:** ![Freedom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@Freedom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freedom)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-atheism/60856/22 "2001-04-05T15:51:18Z")
And the Judge from NJ rates it a solid: **9.8** Nice rant TVOR. Atheists defending Christianity on the SD, THAT’S whay I love this place.🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Lauralee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Lauralee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lauralee)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-atheism/60856/23 "2001-04-05T15:55:31Z")
Heh… no need to mention me **BlackClaw**. I’m just happy I inspired a signature! ---
**Author:** ![Pariah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/41988e/32.png) [@Pariah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pariah)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-atheism/60856/24 "2001-04-05T16:30:30Z")
> [@](#): > > …Oh, and if Jesus were to exist he would also be the devil, by reasons alone! (Duh!)… I think I see his analogy. On the one side, we have the Christ, who referred to himself as the ‘wine’ (_oinos_, in the Greek), or ‘good fruit of the vine’, which came to represent first Christ, then his followers. To give **Brian** the benefit of the doubt, I’m pretty sure he meant ‘by _raisins_ alone.’ On the other, the devil–and those who follow him to ‘hell’–with all the inherent properties of hell, namely torture, heat and flames. Now, **massive\_attack’s** offering was quite a flame against Christianity–slipshod and ham-handed, yes, but a flame nonetheless–and **Brian** stoked that fire by offering his own vitriolic fuel. We understand that ‘hell’ bears properties of heat also–‘where the fire is never quenched, and the worm never dies’–and who is the ‘accepted’ denizen of hell? Why, ‘the devil,’ of course! Now, we have Christ who ‘descended’ into hell (if we are to understand that he first descended into the depths for three days before rising again)– So it is possible that to many who were/are burning for eternity, due to the constant irritant of sulphur and smoke, not to mention the eye-watering brightness of the fire itself, when Christ appeared they mistook him for the devil, as he did not burn like everyone else–and the only one who’d managed to be so flame-retardant up until that point was ol’ Scratch. Now, returning to the ‘good fruit of the vine,’ meaning Christ and those who follow (whom we alredy mentioned)– I stands to reason that the burning condemned were those who were not the ‘choice fruit’–unrepentant souls, cut off from the ‘vine.’ Bad fruit. ‘Sour grapes,’ to speak. And thus, these were remanded to hell. What happens when grapes are placed into heated environs? _They dry out._ This is why I am convinced that though **Brian** said > [@](#): > > …Oh, and if Jesus were to exist he would also be the devil, by reasons alone! (Duh!)… I’m pretty sure he _meant_: > [@](#): > > …Oh, and if Jesus were to exist he would also be the devil, by **raisins** alone! (Duh!)… The confused, dried out ‘bad fruits’ mistook Jesus for the devil because they couldn’t see properly down there! . . . Hey, **you** try staring into a fire for eternity, then looking away at someone. Heck, go out and try it with the sun for _two minutes_, then look at your buddy and tell me what color his kerchief is! Boy, it’s _tough_, isn’t it! Ow! Yeah, that’s hard to do. BTW, _it’s yellow_. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-atheism/60856/25 "2001-04-05T16:47:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Pariah \* > > I think I see his analogy. > > On the one side, we have the Christ, who referred to himself as the ‘wine’ (_oinos_, in the Greek), or ‘good fruit of the vine’, which came to represent first Christ, then his followers. > > \ > > Boy, it’s _tough_, isn’t it! and then…my head exploded. jarbaby ---
**Author:** ![Lauralee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Lauralee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lauralee)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-atheism/60856/26 "2001-04-05T17:22:32Z")
But it’s _yellow._ I’m sure that means something important. ---
**Author:** ![Mac\_Guffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2bfe46/32.png) [@Mac\_Guffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mac_Guffin)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-atheism/60856/27 "2001-04-05T17:22:35Z")
Now keep in mind, this is nothing but pure speculation. When I first read massive\_attacks’ lil anti christian rant, the first thing I thought was that it looked like a perhaps banned christian had created a sock to prove a point, and that he/she expected the majority of Dopers to back this little missive. It almost reads like someone TRYING to look like an idiot. As opposed to being one naturaly. Again, only speculation. ---
**Author:** ![Pariah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/41988e/32.png) [@Pariah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pariah)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-atheism/60856/28 "2001-04-05T20:36:04Z")
His kerchief, **L** [sup]2[/sup]. His _kerchief_ is yellow. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2001, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-atheism/60856/29 "2001-04-06T03:03:00Z")
You know, particlewill, that’s a _very_ seductive idea… The moron’s a Christian _agent provocateur_. I like it… I like it… Yeah, that’s gotta be it. Please? ---
**Author:** ![McMurphy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e19adc/32.png) [@McMurphy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/McMurphy)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2001, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-atheism/60856/30 "2001-04-06T13:36:34Z")
Firstly I just wanna say a big thank you to everyone who posted to say they liked my rant (Freedom, a **9.8?** aww you guys… 🙂 ) Secondly is it me or did 2 new posts (one by Thedoorsrule and another by massive\_attack) just go missing from this thread? ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2001, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-atheism/60856/31 "2001-04-06T17:19:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Blackclaw \* > > Well good, I finally have a sig. Do I have to give Voice credit for inspiration? \*\* Might wanna trademark “brain swirly” ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2001, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-atheism/60856/32 "2001-04-06T17:41:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by particlewill \* > Now keep in mind, this is nothing but pure speculation. > When I first read massive\_attacks’ lil anti christian rant, the first thing I thought was that it looked like a perhaps banned christian had created a sock to prove a point pfff…typical reaction from a guy who may or MAY NOT BE a waffle. 😛 jarbaby ---
**Author:** ![Kaz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kaz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaz)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2001, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-atheism/60856/33 "2001-04-06T20:52:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Qadgop the Mercotan \* > \*\*My daddy always told me “Son, never get into a pissing match with a skunk”. But to each their own. \*\* Speaking of sigs…I’m all over this one ---
**Author:** ![Cyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a88e4f/32.png) [@Cyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyn)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2001, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-atheism/60856/34 "2001-04-06T21:16:50Z")
m\_a, I considered beneath my notice but TVoR…wow. The english language has been used in an undyingingly direct and perfect form. I will cherish the descriptive “snide, sneering…” and make it a part of my arsenal, but I doubt I’ll ever have use of such a perfect verbal weapon. You nailed him with precision and my admiration and respect will flow out to you long after everyone has forgotten m\_a, which will be in 5…4…3…2… ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2001, 9:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-atheism/60856/35 "2001-04-07T09:34:09Z")
Well, obviously **massive\_attack** is misnamed. For one thing, he is not massive. He might be physically massive from shoving Dunkin’ Donuts down his cakehole, and he is surely massively stupid, but he is not mentally massive. Being mentally massive requires you to be able to hold a coherent thought in your head. This is so nobody mistakes you for a groundhog on speed. Being able to express that thought in a coherent way is also required. This is so nobody mistakes you for a half-pound of turnip greens. He fails both tests, and comes across as a squirrel on speed with the brains of a half-pound of turnip greens. Mentally, he is pitiable. Thus we derive the first half of his name. Secondly, he never attacked. To attack, one must advance on a position, either physically or logically. He never advanced on anything. Instead he sat there making small noises with his undeveloped systems, obviously straining to capacity the processing power of his half-pound of turnip greens. That behavior is generally regarded as a whimper. Thus we derive the second half of his name. And so, **massive\_attack** is hereby renamed **pitiable\_whimper**. ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2001, 10:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-atheism/60856/36 "2001-04-07T10:36:42Z")
> [@](#): > > And so, massive\_attack is hereby renamed pitiable\_whimper. I always thought of him more as a **Grunting\_Shitstrain** , myself. ---
**Author:** ![Airman\_Doors\_USAF](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e36b37/32.png) [@Airman\_Doors\_USAF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Airman_Doors_USAF)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2001, 10:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-atheism/60856/37 "2001-04-07T10:47:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by TheVoiceofReason \* > \*\*Secondly is it me or did 2 new posts (one by Thedoorsrule and another by massive\_attack) just go missing from this thread? \*\* Nope. It wasn’t just you. His alter ego sock saint\_massive\_attack mysteriously disappeared. If I recall, he threated TVOR. He also insinuated that he couldn’t post under his massive\_attack name, so he made up something similar so’s we would know it was him. I suspect the mods just wanted to be rid of the clown before things REALLY got out of control. Can’t say I blame them. He should have been banned the first time for being such an obvious troll. ---
**Author:** ![Marvel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/779978/32.png) [@Marvel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marvel)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2001, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-atheism/60856/38 "2001-06-16T12:26:45Z")
VoiceoR - “Buttfucked with a Beehive” may now replace “God’s Throbbing Prostate” as Best Name for a Punk Band in my book! Sweeeeeet! Patty [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-atheism/60856.md?page=1)