# The Jack Chick of Athiesm: The Comic Book Tract Edition **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 5, 2001, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-athiesm-the-comic-book-tract-edition/60981 "2001-04-05T22:03:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-athiesm-the-comic-book-tract-edition/60981/1 "2001-04-05T22:03:09Z")
With thanks to [M.E. Buckner](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=66248) (about 8 posts down) and [TheVoiceOfReason](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=66358)! This is dedicated to you guys! 🙂 **Title: GAWD’S BEGUILED** _Panel One: Suzyella and Big Bob are clearly Christians. He’s wearing a stained sleeveless tee-shirt, she’s got her hair in curlers. The mobile home is a pigsty. Little Jimmy and Sally come downstairs:_ Jimmy: Mommy, I’m going out witnessing and then I’ll start a small war over religion. Sally: I’m going too, but I’m going to commit murders. We Christians are dropping below 70%! Suzyella: Y’all be careful out there. There’re _ATHIESTS_ out there! Sally: Gasp! I’m AFRAID of athiests! - Panel Two: Jimmy and Sally knock on the door of Massive\_Attack. Massive\_Attack answers.\* Massive: Good evening children, how may I help you? Jimmy: You gotta become a Christian, or Sally’ll murder you! Massive: Children, did you know that murder is _WRONG_? Jimmy and Sally in unison: GASP! _Panel Three: Inside MA’s house._ Massive: Jimmy, Sally, you’re Christians, right? Jimmy: Yeah…why? Massive: Christianity’s wrong. This is the truth. Sally: But…we were told it was true! _Panel Four: Extreme close up of Massive\_Attack’s face. Classic Gil Kane “up the nostrils” shot._ Massive: Children, you were lied to. Did you know that Christians don’t follow there own rules [ie. 70% of murders are commited by christians], Christians are Biass against all other religions and Christians start a lot of wars over a stupid piece of dirt 1000 miles from where they are at the moment [please not that the Isrealies and the palastiniens are fighting over where they live] ? _Panel Five: Jimmy and Sally are shocked. Shocked. Tears run down Sally’s face._ Sally: But I never knew it was _wrong_ to be biass over religions! And I thought the Isrealies and the palstininiens were just fighting over their land! How could I have been so blind! Jimmy: Your persuasive arguments are almost convincing, But I require a bit more proof. _Panel Six: Massive\_Attack’s good friend Rodger RabbitBiter walks in._ Rodger Rabbitbiter: Massive, Perhaps you are a genius, you seem to need only a few flimsy reasons to know that Christianity is a crock of shit, top to bottom, left to right, and is mind control and feudalism and sick rot fantasy based on selfish obsession and its anti-intellect hoping for the destruction of the world (and the imaginary defeat of nature and death). Oh, and if Jesus were to exist he would also be the devil, by reasons alone! (Duh!). Submissive peace, artificial love, volunteer charity are replacing freedom, justice and equality as fast as they can carve the ten commandments of their third-world-order in public school hallways. Weakness, inertia, overpopulation, cowardice, deforestation, pseudo-logic, bad air, bad water, all follow his self-important royal savior-master false prophet and his self-pity poetry, which basically says: “Screw your family, screw the future, screw you; I’ll tell you not only what to think, but what to feel!” Piss-poor poser if you ask me, all the folks now claiming to be messiahs are in mental hospitals. So what are we gonna do about it? They hate knowledge and more mass suffering and harm has flowed from the stench-waft of his zombieness than all the art and pagans destroyed in his name. I know, too bad the motherfucker won’t die, because he loves it everytime. Jimmy and Sally, you **must** change your ways! _Panel Seven: Jimmy and Sally hug each other, crying._ Jimmy: You have convinced me with your eloquent rhetoric. I repent my evil Christian ways. Now, I believe in nothing! _Panel Eight: Sally’s eyes are wide_ Sally: Jimmy…I think we are now…[sub]athiests[/sub] _Panel Nine: Closeup of Rodger and Massive._ Massive: Yes Jimmy, Sally. You are now athiests. My logic has swayed your stupid, stupid minds. You should now go stop murdering people and starting wars. Rodger: Yes you should also tell your parents about what you have learned rather than contiune as a piss-poor poser that says “screw your family!” _Panel Ten: Jimmy and Sally, skipping home. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and God’s not in his Heavens. All is well in the world._ Jimmy: I can’t wait to tell Mommy what Rodger said! She’ll be convinced! Sally: I get to help Daddy with Massive’s arguments. ## Jimmy and Sally in Unison: It’s FUN to be Athiest! Jack Fenris ---
**Author:** ![Gaudere](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e495f1/32.png) [@Gaudere](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gaudere)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-athiesm-the-comic-book-tract-edition/60981/2 "2001-04-05T22:30:12Z")
Hysterical, Fenris! 😃 But you forgot the all-important checkbox at the end: ========================================= _ **NO ONE ELSE CAN SAVE YOU! BECOME AN ATHEIST TODAY!** _ **YES** , I reject Chistianity as Biass and a crock of shit. I accept Atheism into my heart and will never again start wars over a stupid piece of dirt 1000 miles away. Date: \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ _If you have become an atheist, you have just now begun a wonderful new life. Now:_ 1. Don’t read anything at all and refuse to listen to anyone who disagrees with you. They must be all dumb frightened Christians anyhow if they don’t see the wisdom of your words. 2. Post ignorant misspelled posts on message boards and mock anyone who points out your glaring logical flaws. 3. Surround yourself with people who think exactly the same things you do so you never have to think again. * * * If you do this, you are assured eternal mindless self-satisfaction! (Well, maybe it won’t be eternal. But it’ll sure _seem_ that way to everyone else.) ---
**Author:** ![Sofa\_King](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/58956e/32.png) [@Sofa\_King](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofa_King)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-athiesm-the-comic-book-tract-edition/60981/3 "2001-04-05T22:30:51Z")
**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!** Dude, can I draw that for you? Biass. Sheeeit. In my secret laboratory, I’m now as we speak perfecting the _five-assed_ monkey! Penta-ass! ---
**Author:** ![McMurphy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e19adc/32.png) [@McMurphy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/McMurphy)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-athiesm-the-comic-book-tract-edition/60981/4 "2001-04-05T22:32:46Z")
> [@](#): > > Children, did you know that murder is WRONG? My god, this is so…so…so…_CHICK_. You’ve really got parody down to a fine art. Fenris, that was absolute pure genius. I can’t say anything except **BRAVISSIMO!!!** _chucks a rose onto the stage_ ---
**Author:** ![Wartime\_Consigliori](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/9d8465/32.png) [@Wartime\_Consigliori](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wartime_Consigliori)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-athiesm-the-comic-book-tract-edition/60981/5 "2001-04-05T23:13:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fenris \* > _The mobile home is a pigsty. Little Jimmy and Sally come downstairs_ Downstairs? In a mobile home? They are usually double-wide, not double-high! I guess that in the Jack Chick World, pretty much anything is possible, so I am prepared to believe! 😃 Great post, Mr. Fenris. Thanks A Million. ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2001, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-athiesm-the-comic-book-tract-edition/60981/6 "2001-04-05T23:51:42Z")
:: standing ovation :: Bravo! Bravo! It is an honor just to know you, sir. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2001, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-athiesm-the-comic-book-tract-edition/60981/7 "2001-04-06T00:18:15Z")
THAT kicks. Seriously, you should draw it, and submit it to the Jack T. Chick Parody site. ---
**Author:** ![Eutychus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Eutychus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eutychus)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2001, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-athiesm-the-comic-book-tract-edition/60981/8 "2001-04-06T00:29:32Z")
Bravo, Fenris. Shall we put this in Teemings Extras as well? ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2001, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-athiesm-the-comic-book-tract-edition/60981/9 "2001-04-06T00:43:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Guinastasia \* > \*\*THAT kicks. > > Seriously, you should draw it, and submit it to the Jack T. Chick Parody site. > \*\* Guin: Trust me…my drawing’s only slightly better than my singing. ::waits a moment for the horror of that statement to sink in:: Besides, I don’t know how funny it’d be if you didn’t know about “Rodger RabbitBiter” and Massive\_Attack. I’d be concerned that it’d come across as a typical extreme-fundimentalist “all athiests are evil or stupid” rant. But I really appreciate the compliment Gaudere: Wonderful! It adds the perfect ending to the “story”! (I snorted orange juice over the “No one else can save you” bit!) Arden, VoiceOfReason, Sofa: thanks! Wartime: How dare you allege that there’s an error in my post! Oh, sure, MOST trailers don’t contain an upstairs, but this one is a special trailer designed by Mussolini hims… ::breaks down:: OK! I MADE A MISTAKE! I ADMIT IT! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? ARE.YOU.HAPPY?! Good. I am too! 😉 Anyway, to quote Whitman: Do I contradict myself, very well, I contradict myself. I am large. I contain multitudes. Either that or I fucked up. 😃 Euty, be my guest, I’d be honored! Thanks! (but, with Gaudere’s addition too, if she doesn’t mind. To me, it improves the whole piece tremendously) Fenris ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2001, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-athiesm-the-comic-book-tract-edition/60981/10 "2001-04-06T02:55:20Z")
Thanks, Fenris! You know, if we just filed off the serial numbers and made a few minor changes, we could largely re-use [this one](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0054/0054_01.asp). Hitler was a devout _Catholic_… The Holocaust was carried out by _Jesuits_ on the secret orders of the _Pope_… It’s all the fault of the _Christians!_ (See, you Jews should abandon your superstitious belief in “God” and become good secular humanists–we’re your true friends. Pay no attention to Brian Bunnyhurt over there behind the curtain.) ---
**Author:** ![Spiritus\_Mundi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Spiritus\_Mundi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiritus_Mundi)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2001, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-athiesm-the-comic-book-tract-edition/60981/11 "2001-04-06T04:11:52Z")
Bravo. Bravisimo. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2001, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-athiesm-the-comic-book-tract-edition/60981/12 "2001-04-06T13:21:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fenris \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Guinastasia \* > > \*\*THAT kicks. > > > > Seriously, you should draw it, and submit it to the Jack T. Chick Parody site. > > \*\* > > Guin: Trust me…my drawing’s only slightly better than my singing. > ::snip:: > Fenris\*\* Hey, so your drawing would be BETTER than Jack Chick’s. Nobody’s gonna complain. ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2001, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-athiesm-the-comic-book-tract-edition/60981/13 "2001-04-06T13:25:01Z")
Fenris, if we ever meet up at a Dopefest or something, I’ll make sure you won’t have to pay for any of your drinks all fucking night. Do I make myself clear? ---
**Author:** ![BunnyGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@BunnyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyGirl)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2001, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-athiesm-the-comic-book-tract-edition/60981/14 "2001-04-06T14:28:40Z")
If I send you a piece of paper, will you autograph it for me?! ---
**Author:** ![Liberal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2001, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-athiesm-the-comic-book-tract-edition/60981/15 "2001-04-06T14:59:40Z")
All right, already, I’ll admit it! I am a Christian, and from time to time (on very rare occasions, mind you) I have been Biass — but it’s almost always an accident I tell you! Sometimes, just after a murder or a war, when I look at a particularly well mutilated corpse’s ass, I’ll feel a twinge of sexual excitement only to discover that there is (or had been) a penis on the other side. I don’t know whether this qualifies me for chronic Biassness or not, and frankly, I don’t care. If I am Biass, it’s for reasons alone. (By the way, Fenris, fine work!) ---
**Author:** ![Francesca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9fc348/32.png) [@Francesca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francesca)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2001, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-athiesm-the-comic-book-tract-edition/60981/16 "2001-04-06T15:23:31Z")
Fenris, that was fine, fine work. I’m with Coldfire - you deserve free beer. Fran ---
**Author:** ![Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/df788c/32.png) [@Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ben)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2001, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-athiesm-the-comic-book-tract-edition/60981/17 "2001-04-06T15:30:34Z")
Now _that_ was funny… BTW, is there a website which will execute Burrough’s “cut-up” technique on text? Can you imagine RabbitBiter’s rant sent through it? -Ben ---
**Author:** ![Gaudere](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e495f1/32.png) [@Gaudere](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gaudere)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2001, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-athiesm-the-comic-book-tract-edition/60981/18 "2001-04-06T16:10:20Z")
I’d be honored, Fenris, if you wanted to use my addendum, but I really think yours was superior. You managed to play it absolutely straight, and I just couldn’t do that as well. I do think those little check boxes in Chick comics are surreally funny though: > [@](#): > > Do you accept Jesus as your personal savior? Yes No It’s more like you’re filling out a magazine subsciption form than having a religious experience. I’m tempted to buy a bunch, check them all “no” and scatter them about. I’d feel bad if I made a fundy cry, though. 😉 I think the best part is that M\_A and BB’s posts required absolutely no exaggeration to sound Chick-like. ---
**Author:** ![Cyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a88e4f/32.png) [@Cyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyn)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2001, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-athiesm-the-comic-book-tract-edition/60981/19 "2001-04-07T22:26:09Z")
I liked it. It should be printed up in four colors on cheap newsprint and left where ever religious tract are distributed. How can The Watchtower compete? ---
**Author:** ![Sterra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8c91f0/32.png) [@Sterra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sterra)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2001, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-athiesm-the-comic-book-tract-edition/60981/20 "2001-04-07T23:58:09Z")
I think the check boxes are designed for the younger viewers. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jack-chick-of-athiesm-the-comic-book-tract-edition/60981.md?page=2)