# The Jesus Horror Passion Show **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 27, 2004, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jesus-horror-passion-show/231527 "2004-02-27T21:25:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Ex\_Machina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Ex\_Machina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ex_Machina)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2004, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jesus-horror-passion-show/231527/1 "2004-02-27T21:25:10Z")
(The movie opens with Jesus singing “Dammit, Planet, I love you…”) More than twenty years ago, out of curiosity for a current cultural phenomenon, I went to see _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_ at a theater in California. I was the only person not in costume. Moviegoers, dressed as their favorite characters, stood on the stage and parroted the monolugues, when it rained in the movie the crowd began spraying squirt guns etc. (I got soaked). I think \*The Passion of the Christ \* should become an interactive cult classic along the same lines. So come on you masters of parody and satire, give me some suggestions for songs and audience participation. ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jesus-horror-passion-show/231527/2 "2004-02-28T01:44:35Z")
I’ve seen some stills on the review and damn if it doesn’t look gory enough to be a horror movie… But damn if this isn’t a fabulous idea. My Contribution: Over at the Golgotha Place Mary: In the non-darkness, of the desert light Burning bright, there’s a Super Star On Golgotha, that’s where we are Mary and Peter: There’s a Chriiiiist Disciples: Over at the Golgotha Place Mary and Peter: There’s a Chriiiist Disciples: With fake blood running down his face Mary and Peter: There’s a Chriist, Chriist, On a scary hill, over there. (Cut to God, sitting on a cloud, but still looking like Riff Raff) God: Jesus must die, No more Old Testament smiting Go Jesus Go Let Andrew Webber come writing Into your li-i-ife Into your liiiiiiiiiiiiiiife! (Cut back to Mary and Peter) Mary and Peter: There’s a Chriiiiist Disciples: Over at the Golgotha Place Mary and Peter: There’s a Chriiiist Disciples: With fake blood running down his face Mary and Peter: There’s a Chriist, Chriist, On a scary hill, over there. ---
**Author:** ![gleeb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f14d63/32.png) [@gleeb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gleeb)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jesus-horror-passion-show/231527/3 "2004-02-28T02:07:17Z")
You know, I think every Christian, as with every other person who believes in some religious doctrine, is a damn fool. But there’s no call to go **insulting** these poor, deluded, stupid fools to their faces. That’s just crass. ---
**Author:** ![Dizzy\_Fingers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@Dizzy\_Fingers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dizzy_Fingers)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jesus-horror-passion-show/231527/4 "2004-02-28T02:33:41Z")
So, when do we throw stones at the screen? ::ducks and runs:: ---
**Author:** ![Ex\_Machina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Ex\_Machina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ex_Machina)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jesus-horror-passion-show/231527/5 "2004-02-28T22:56:59Z")
> [@GMRyujin](#): > > Over at the Golgotha Place That’s the spirit, I love it. I can hear the chorus of disciples. Great work **GMRyujin**! And **Dizzy Fingers** , when the “stones” start flying in the theaters, you will be known as the genius behind the activity. [Note to **gleeb** : This hyperbolic (IMO) movie is a public phenomenon. Therefore it is subject to parody. I don’t think we are mocking Christianity, we are having fun with Mel Gibson’s commercial product. I don’t think that jokes about Jim Bakker or the Pope’s hat are tantamount to religious disrespect. Relax, brother.] Before we get too far along, who should the narrator be? I think Jerry Falwell or Hutton Gibson. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jesus-horror-passion-show/231527/6 "2004-02-28T23:07:20Z")
“I’m Jim Bakker (_ASSHOLE!_) and this is my fiancee, Tammy Faye (_SLUT!_).” “I’m just a sweet Judas-vestite… from Transsexual Transjordan…” ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2004, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jesus-horror-passion-show/231527/7 "2004-02-28T23:09:46Z")
Chuck Heston should be the narrator. C’mon, he’s Moses! “You hung him up! You damn, dirty Romans!” The finale of this show should be St. Peter climbing up an RKO radio tower like King Kong/Rocky while Romans shoot laser beams at him. I’ll write another song if no one else wants in on this action. From The Day He Was Born, He Was Trouble From the day he was born, he was trouble He was de thorn, in de Pharisees’ side They tried in vain, but he never caused them nothing but shame They got him the day he died From the day he was born All he wanted Was “love thy neighbor” corn and de motorbike Preaching his junk (He was a low down, cheap little punk) Taking everyone for a walk When Jesus said he didn’t like the Pharisees You knew he was a no-good kid But when he threatened their lives With a God this size, What a guy Makes ya cry And I did Mary Magdelene: Everybody shoved him, I very nearly loved him I said, “Hey listen to me, let’s run off, you can give it to me.” But he took a vow of celibacyyyyyyyyyyy! But he must have been drawn, into something Making him warn, me in a note which reads (What’s it say? What’s it say?) “I’m outta my head, Oh hurry, or I may be ded They mustn’t carry out their evil scheme…YAAAAAAAAAAAA!” When Jesus said he didn’t like the Pharisees You knew he was a no-good kid But when he threatened their lives With a God this size, What a guy Makes ya cry And I did ---
**Author:** ![Ex\_Machina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Ex\_Machina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ex_Machina)\ **Post date:** [February 29, 2004, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jesus-horror-passion-show/231527/8 "2004-02-29T06:49:00Z")
I’m going back to the beginning and start with two bloody red lips against a black background singing about The Evening Triple Crucifixion Show (I’ll post the lyrics later.) I’m not giving up on this thread but I want to see Gibson’s movie first before I can better suggest audience participation activities. I can’t wait to hear the reworkings of _The Time Warp_. More good work by **GMRyujin**. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [February 29, 2004, 7:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jesus-horror-passion-show/231527/9 "2004-02-29T07:22:28Z")
I have no intention of seeing the movie, but I can guess how it goes. The idea of Jesus leading a song and dance number amuses me endlessly. My Bobblehead Jesus approved, by the way. I said “Bobblehead Jesus, do you approve of my songwriting in this thread?” And he nodded yes over and over again. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [February 29, 2004, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jesus-horror-passion-show/231527/10 "2004-02-29T17:12:13Z")
I thought it appropriate to insert here a copy of the post I just posted in the concurrent CS thread, “What NOT to do while watching ‘Passion’” ([http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=242163&page=2](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=242163&page=2)): Do not assemble a large claque of atheists, skeptics, SubGenii, Discordians, Merry Pranksters, and generally naughty and high-spirited cutups. Do not study and rehearse all of the lines, quips, pranks, etc., listed above in this thread. Do not dress up in period costumes with Pharisees and Romans predominating, go to the movie in a body, get there early, and grab the whole first three or four rows. Do not laugh, whistle, stamp and cheer every time something painful happens to Jesus. When Jesus rises from the grave (as I assume he does – haven’t seen the flick), do not start screaming “Ripoff!” and “Nail him up again! Get it right!” As the other audience members are walking out of the theater in somber, just-got-whacked-on-the-head-with-a-two-by-four, Schindler’s List-quality silence, do not gabble and high-five each other and say things like, “Let’s have a Second Coming and we’ll do Him again!” Do not repeat the above steps every week so long as the movie is in town. Do not forget to retain a good lawyer in advance. ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [February 29, 2004, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jesus-horror-passion-show/231527/11 "2004-02-29T17:39:54Z")
Christian Fiction, Double Feature Mel Gibson’s dad was ill The day they killed the Jews, But he’s told us…“Zey just moved!” And Mel Gibson was there in Scottish underwear “A god complex ain’t nothin’ to lose.” Then something went wrong When Judas had his swan song, “They had me in an apostle jam!” There was a deadly race To the Golgotha place And this is how the message ran… Christian fiction, double feature God Himself will build a creature See Jesus fighting zombie ninjas On his back, our salvation hinges Whoa-oh-oh-ohhh-ohhh At the Sunday, double feature, picture show. I knew John the Baptist Wasn’t a Papist When those guys cut off his head And my religion got hot When I saw Jesus and Scott Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills Dana Andrews said prunes Gave him the runes And passing them used lots of skills But when religions collide Said Falwell to his bride It’ll give us some terrible thrills, like a… Christian fiction, double feature God Himself will build a creature See Jesus fighting zombie ninjas On his back, our salvation hinges Whoa-oh-oh-ohhh-ohhh At the Sunday, double feature, picture show. I wanna go - Oh oh oh oh To the Sunday, double feature, picture show. By R.K.O. - Wo oh oh oh To the Sunday, double feature, picture show. In the back row - Oh oh oh oh To the Sunday, double feature, picture show. ---
**Author:** ![KingLupid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/839c29/32.png) [@KingLupid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KingLupid)\ **Post date:** [February 29, 2004, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jesus-horror-passion-show/231527/12 "2004-02-29T17:48:44Z")
Ohhhhh, there is a very special place in imaginary Hell reserved for you people. I’ll bring the appetizers… ---
**Author:** ![blasphmer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6de8d8/32.png) [@blasphmer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blasphmer)\ **Post date:** [February 29, 2004, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jesus-horror-passion-show/231527/13 "2004-02-29T18:11:54Z")
Anyone needing more information a copy of the origional script can be found [HERE](http://blake.prohosting.com/horrorsu/scripts/rhps.txt) Suggestions: I’m going home, for the Easter cave scene Toucha Toucha Touch me for the virginal birth ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [February 29, 2004, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jesus-horror-passion-show/231527/14 "2004-02-29T18:15:34Z")
> [@KingLupid](#): > > Ohhhhh, there is a very special place in imaginary Hell reserved for you people. I’ll bring the appetizers… Please. After all, didn’t Jesus say, “Fuck em if they can’t take a joke?” Besides, if a 2000 year old religion is undermined by a fat guy writing silly songs about it, I daresay its time has come. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [February 29, 2004, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jesus-horror-passion-show/231527/15 "2004-02-29T18:50:52Z")
And do not sing the Leon Rosselson classic, “Stand Up for Judas” ([http://www.mysongbook.de/msb/songs/s/standupf.html](http://www.mysongbook.de/msb/songs/s/standupf.html)): > [@](#): > > Now Jesus brought division where none had been before > Not the slaves against their masters but the poor against the poor > Set son to rise up against father, and brother to fight against brother > For he that is not with me is against me, was his teaching > Said Jesus, I am the answer > You unbelievers shall burn forever, shall die in your sins > Not sheep and goats, said Judas, But together we may dare > Shake off the chains of misery we share > > Chorus: > So stand up, stand up for Judas and the cause that Judas served > It was Jesus who betrayed the poor with his word ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [February 29, 2004, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jesus-horror-passion-show/231527/16 "2004-02-29T22:18:46Z")
It’s astounding Life is… fleeting Crucifiction Takes it’s toll But listen closely- Not for very much longer I’ll give you Fish and loaves… ---
**Author:** ![Jurph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/50afbb/32.png) [@Jurph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jurph)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2004, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jesus-horror-passion-show/231527/17 "2004-03-01T15:43:56Z")
JESUS (to Roman Legionnaires): How do you do? I See you know my name: I’m the Lord, Jesus. I’m just a little put out Because Judas sold me out for a measley thirty silver pieces. Don’t get strung out by the way I look. I’m not just a Jewish hippie. I’m just the son of man by the light of day But that Cana wine’s pretty trippy. I’m just a red hot savior From Nazareth, Israel. Watch me create some bread, Maybe… raise the dead, or tell the Samaritan’s story. If you’re not into that, get the thorns, make me a hat, We’ll just skip to the bit where it’s gory. SEPTUS: We just came to arrest you before these boys molest you, and we’re glad we got you when we did. CAIUS: Right. PETER: I’m-a chop off your ear if you think I’m a queer! You wanna taste my steel, kid? JESUS: He really [em]loves[/em] his neighbors, but let’s not belabor the point, boys. Don’t knock it 'til you try it. Peter loves me too, and I bet he’d love you, but once the cock crows, he’ll deny it. I’m just a red hot savior From Nazareth, Israel. Why don’t you all settle down? JUDAS: Down. JESUS: Just take me downtown? PETER: Town. JESUS: Just book me on some legal fiction. I’ve been praying a lot, But Dad says I’ve got a starring part in the crucifixion. I’m just a red hot savior From Nazareth, Israel. WHIP ME FLOG ME I’m just a red hot savior APOSTLES: Red Hot Savior! JESUS: From Nazareth, APOSTLES: Israel. JESUS: So go through with your plans Jam some nails in my hands, Subject me to public… derision. I’ll wash away all your sins, Come back alive, just for grins, and start up my own new religion. ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2004, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jesus-horror-passion-show/231527/18 "2004-03-01T15:54:45Z")
Bahahaha! Good show, Jurph! ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2004, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jesus-horror-passion-show/231527/19 "2004-03-01T18:51:34Z")
I was haulin’ in some fish, just enjoyin’ the stink When this son-of-a-God gave me whole new think! He said, "Follow me, say goodbye to your wife, “And I’ll fix you up with an Eternal Life!” He nudzhed and nudzhed until I packed it in, And left my nets to be a Fisher of Men! ---
**Author:** ![ElwoodCuse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/edb3f5/32.png) [@ElwoodCuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElwoodCuse)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2004, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-jesus-horror-passion-show/231527/20 "2004-03-02T18:47:35Z")
Ever go to a Catholic church when they are reading the Passion? They have the congregation play the crowd parts in some places, so you get to shout “Crucify him!” (add comedy “wewease wodewick” option) At first I thought this thread was about puns on the movie title. My favorite so far is “The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre” (from Fark via Slate).