# "The Knave Abideth" **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 8, 2010, 10:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-knave-abideth/524147 "2010-01-08T10:57:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Eutychus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Eutychus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eutychus)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2010, 10:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-knave-abideth/524147/1 "2010-01-08T10:57:46Z")
What if Shakespeare had written “The Big Lebowski.” “The Knave abideth.” I dare speak not for thee, but this maketh me to be of good comfort; > **[Two Gentlemen of Lebowski](https://www.runleiarun.com/lebowski/)** > > What if William Shakespeare wrote The Big Lebowski? ---
**Author:** ![wolfman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2010, 11:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-knave-abideth/524147/2 "2010-01-08T11:18:40Z")
Wow. That’s actually very well written, I was expecting typical internet crap, but that has some serious work. ---
**Author:** ![wolfman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2010, 11:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-knave-abideth/524147/3 "2010-01-08T11:24:04Z")
Hmm, That may have come out wrong, not insulting the OP I hope. I open the links posted on this board expecting them to be pretty funny and totally worth it, just not that much of an effort by the original writer. I was kind of schocked ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2010, 11:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-knave-abideth/524147/4 "2010-01-08T11:32:06Z")
I had tears in my eyes from: \*I’ll stain it thus; ever thus to deadbeats. [He stains the rug]\* Great fun and a friend only gave me a copy of the original a few days ago. I will watch it yet again with even greater interest. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Jeffrey\_Lebowski](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_jeffrey_lebowski/32/215_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Jeffrey\_Lebowski](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Jeffrey_Lebowski)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2010, 11:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-knave-abideth/524147/5 "2010-01-08T11:41:55Z")
Yea, well, that be, forsooth, thy opinion, sir. ---
**Author:** ![Equipoise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/equipoise/32/151_2.png) [@Equipoise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Equipoise)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2010, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-knave-abideth/524147/6 "2010-01-08T11:48:47Z")
I’m dyin’ here, this is great! > [@](#): > > [A tavern near the bowling green. Enter THE KNAVE and WALTER] > > WALTER > My lord, I do deny it is her toe. > > THE KNAVE > Whose toe be it, if not my lady’s toe? > > WALTER > Vexatious problem that, but not of heft. > There’s naught to indicate the lady’s harm’d. > > THE KNAVE > The fresh green paint of fair Miss Bonnie’s nail! > > WALTER > Marry, sir, nail-painting, rugs and urine. > A man may paint the white toe green, tell her, > Paint an inch thick, to this favour she must come. > > THE KNAVE > And where might a man fetch a toe? > > WALTER > O toe! > Thou wouldst have a toe? A toe can be obtain’d. > Ways are known, Knave. Thou wilt not like to hear. > I’ll have a toe for thee this afternoon > Ere singeth cockerel at three o’clock. > These amateurs would have us soil’d with fear. ---
**Author:** ![DoctorJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctorj/32/2904_2.png) [@DoctorJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoctorJ)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2010, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-knave-abideth/524147/7 "2010-01-08T11:50:44Z")
> [@](#): > > WALTER > It hath been my charge to attend this cur ere my Lady Cynthia return ashore from a voyage to the islands, commanded by Sir Martin of Ackerman. > > THE KNAVE > Thou bringest a cur to ninepins? > > WALTER > I bring naught to ninepins. The dog is not attired by my hand to play at sport, nor do I fetch it ale, nor shall he throw thy bowl-turn in thy stead. > > THE KNAVE > Why, this is lunatics! This is mad as a mad dog! Were I a cuckold of such horn, and a wench bade me mind her animal passions on maiden voyages, whilst men of lesser virtue did swim in foreign waters and seek the isle within the brook, marry, I would cry out “Go hang!”, and leave the cur to fall where he may. Canst she not board the beast with some gentle farmer or country shepherdess? > > WALTER > I pray thee, speak not of marriage; for here a man calleth vinegar the wine he hath not himself imbibed. > The cur is one of consequence, admired > In circles of husbandry, with well-noted > Documentation of his qualities; > And if ‘twere spook’d, it might lose hide and hair. > The cur hath parchments— > [@](#): > > This befalleth when thou firk’st a stranger ‘twixt the buttocks, Laurence! Understand’st thou? Dost thou attend me? Seest thou what happens, Laurence? Seest thou what happens, Laurence? Seest thou what happens, Laurence, when thou firk’st a stranger ‘twixt the buttocks?! This is brilliant. They need to do a full performance in costume at this year’s Lebowskifest. ---
**Author:** ![Eutychus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Eutychus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eutychus)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2010, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-knave-abideth/524147/8 "2010-01-08T11:50:50Z")
“That rug, in faith, tied the room together, did it not?” ---
**Author:** ![Equipoise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/equipoise/32/151_2.png) [@Equipoise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Equipoise)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2010, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-knave-abideth/524147/9 "2010-01-08T11:55:44Z")
I’m having trouble breathing! “Hold thy tongue, Sir Donald” ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2010, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-knave-abideth/524147/10 "2010-01-08T11:56:08Z")
_This befalleth when thou firk’st a stranger ‘twixt the buttocks, Laurence! Understand’st thou? Dost thou attend me? Seest thou what happens, Laurence? Seest thou what happens, Laurence? Seest thou what happens, Laurence, when thou firk’st a stranger ‘twixt the buttocks?!_ ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2010, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-knave-abideth/524147/11 "2010-01-08T12:00:17Z")
That IS Stewie isn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2010, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-knave-abideth/524147/12 "2010-01-08T12:04:34Z")
All I did was read the character list and I’m laughing. I hadn’t considered The Dude as a Falstaff type but now I’m disappointed I’d never thought of it. ---
**Author:** ![footballisplayedwithyourfeet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9f8e36/32.png) [@footballisplayedwithyourfeet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/footballisplayedwithyourfeet)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2010, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-knave-abideth/524147/13 "2010-01-08T12:33:00Z")
I’ve just read a few lines, but this awesome. I’m printing it out and will be reading it on my 15 hour train journey tonight!! ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2010, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-knave-abideth/524147/14 "2010-01-08T18:02:55Z")
I love it: > [@](#): > > It was of consequence, I should think; verily, it tied the room together, gather’d its qualities as the sweet lovers’ spring grass doth the morning dew or the rough scythe the first of autumn harvests. It sat between the four sides of the room, making substance of a square, respecting each wall in equal harmony, in geometer’s cap; a great reckoning in a little room. Verily, it transform’d the room from the space between four walls presented, to the harbour of a man’s monarchy. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2010, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-knave-abideth/524147/15 "2010-01-08T18:08:00Z")
I’m about halfway through, and yeah, that rug speech is probably the best part. I also like the prisoner exchange scene: > [@](#): > > WALTER > Hail, good knave! I see you stand to linger. > Take of me this, I bring you here a ringer. It looks like there are references to all of Shakespeare’s plays in here in the form of partial quotes and parody quotes and such. I’m not keeping track but I remember seeing lines from Hamlet, Macbeth, Romeo & Juliet, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Twelfth Night, The Comedy of Errors, and the Jesus character swears by Coriolanus (I guess because it has anus in it and nobody is going to recognize any other reference to Coriolanus). And the title is a takeoff of Two Gentlemen of Verona. ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2010, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-knave-abideth/524147/16 "2010-01-08T18:15:14Z")
The site is down for me. Can someone please email it to me? My address is in my profile (and if it isn’t, PM me for a fool and I’ll get it to you posthaste). ---
**Author:** ![DoctorJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctorj/32/2904_2.png) [@DoctorJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoctorJ)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2010, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-knave-abideth/524147/17 "2010-01-08T21:37:51Z")
DONALD Wherefore thou playest not at ninepins on Saturday, Sir Walter? WALTER On our most holy Sabbath I am sworn To keep tradition, form and ceremony. The seventh and the last day rests the Jew; I labour not, nor ride in chariot, Nor handle gold, nor even play the cook, And sure as Providence I do not roll. Hath not a Jew rights? Hath not a Jew hands, Organs, bowling-balls, Pomeranians? If you schedule us, must you not do right? If we step o’er the line, do we not mark it nought? The Sabbath; I’ll roll not, God-a-mercy. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2010, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-knave-abideth/524147/18 "2010-01-09T00:16:00Z")
THE KNAVE Thou art an ass! A stupefying ass! WALTER Apologies. THE KNAVE Thou hast ruin’d all again! Thou makest all a travesty of pain! WALTER ‘Twas accident! I meant not for the breeze. THE KNAVE Thy statement, man! The stuff on jungle war. What signifies thy foreign conflict here? What signifies thy deadly-standing speech? I’ll have no more; thou art a raging fool. WALTER I stand before thee tainted with remorse, and beg thy mercy; I am overcome. A pox upon’t, Knave; let us play at ninepins. [Exeunt] Brilliant! ---
**Author:** ![gaffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e68b1a/32.png) [@gaffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gaffa)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2010, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-knave-abideth/524147/19 "2010-01-09T01:30:59Z")
Maybe, just maybe, one of the actors in the film or the Coen brothers will read this and get the group together and do this as an opening bit for this years Independent Spirit Awards. I really have to hear Sam Elliott intone, mustache a’twitching: _In wayfarer’s worlds out west was once a man, A man I come not to bury, but to praise. His name was Geoffrey Lebowski called, yet Not called, excepting by his kin._ ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2010, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-knave-abideth/524147/20 "2010-01-09T01:36:42Z")
> [@Derleth](#): > > The site is down for me. Can someone please email it to me? My address is in my profile (and if it isn’t, PM me for a fool and I’ll get it to you posthaste). Someone mentioned a link to it at “Dr. McNinja”, which worked for me after the primary link crashed. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-knave-abideth/524147.md?page=2)