# The latest assessment essay gems **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 23, 2014, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736 "2014-04-23T03:21:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2016, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736/161 "2016-01-14T03:06:20Z")
## Got a few more today… and I totally want the student who wrote the third bit to enroll in one of my classes. I will expose regret for the liar it is. Animals are not just animals. They are human beings just like us. Everyone needs someone good with cars, has basic survival knowledge, or knows how to play the ukulele. So I will continue my happy life of being a jack of all trades and master of none. And heck, if none of it gets me a job, at least I will know enough to have a chance at surviving a zombie outbreak. I hear zombies hate the ukulele. ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2016, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736/162 "2016-01-14T03:28:09Z")
I agree with you about that third kid; you need a semester of him! Maybe he’ll play the ukulele for you. And thanks for continuing this thread. It makes me remember how glad I am not to be teaching any more. ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2016, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736/163 "2016-01-14T03:28:53Z")
> [@vivalostwages](#): > > ## Got a few more today… and I totally want the student who wrote the third bit to enroll in one of my classes. > > I will expose regret for the liar it is. > Animals are not just animals. They are human beings just like us. > Everyone needs someone good with cars, has basic survival knowledge, or knows how to play the ukulele. So I will continue my happy life of being a jack of all trades and master of none. And heck, if none of it gets me a job, at least I will know enough to have a chance at surviving a zombie outbreak. I hear zombies hate the ukulele. I LOVE these. Zombies do hate the ukulele. I have it on the very best authority; the undead are terrified of tiny guitars. And the first one. …Well now i am pondering the ways regret lies to us. Regret makes us think “if only” would have resulted in some rosy ending but that is a LIE. just like the cake. The regret is a lie. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2016, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736/164 "2016-01-14T12:00:40Z")
The third kid should be teaching ESL, not being graded on it. ---
**Author:** ![enipla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/54ee81/32.png) [@enipla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enipla)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2016, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736/165 "2016-01-14T14:48:32Z")
I kinda like this - > [@vivalostwages](#): > > I will expose regret for the liar it is. ---
**Author:** ![Cornelius\_Tuggerson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/13edae/32.png) [@Cornelius\_Tuggerson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cornelius_Tuggerson)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2016, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736/166 "2016-01-14T15:48:51Z")
> [@vivalostwages](#): > > Basketball has helped me develop new skills such as teamwork, communication, and most importantly defeat. I know what the kid is trying to say, but this still amuses me way more then is reasonable. ---
**Author:** ![gnoitall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bb73d2/32.png) [@gnoitall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gnoitall)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2016, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736/167 "2016-01-14T16:26:39Z")
> [@vivalostwages](#): > > ## Everything changed when her mom and mine had a squirrel. \* > > ## You aren’t comfortable with a man until you wrestle. > > I want to get my teaching cordenshels. > > * * * > > \*Can you guess what this was supposed to be? > [@USCDiver](#): > > Quarrel? I would have said “wombat”. Squirrels are to small too share well. ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2016, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736/168 "2016-01-14T16:28:27Z")
Haha, I always enjoy this thread. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![The\_Stainless\_Steel\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_stainless_steel_rat/32/5727_2.png) [@The\_Stainless\_Steel\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Stainless_Steel_Rat)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2016, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736/169 "2016-01-14T16:56:48Z")
> [@vivalostwages](#): > > ## Got a few more: > > “Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.” That is what Kennedy said to the Japanese Americans after the Event of 1945. American History from a Zenga Tower (little blocks from different areas). > [@](#): > > You must have a goal in life, whether your goal is to sit on the couch to play video games or to climb Mt. Everest. Well, I think that covers the spectrum of life goals pretty much from A to Z… > [@](#): > > Teaching my brother how to drive was a long, drooling process. This one made me chortle at work (holding back a laugh). Thing is, depending on the brother in question, it might even be accurate… Just found this thread and my thanks, vivalostwages, it is one I will keep an eye on from now on. Priceless. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2016, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736/170 "2016-01-14T17:55:50Z")
> [@vivalostwages](#): > > Everyone needs someone good with cars, has basic survival knowledge, or knows how to play the ukulele. So I will continue my happy life of being a jack of all trades and master of none. And heck, if none of it gets me a job, at least I will know enough to have a chance at surviving a zombie outbreak. I hear zombies hate the ukulele. This sounds like a Doper sig. Whoever wrote it deserves an A in the course and a full-ride scholarship to Juilliard. Or the University of Hawaii, in the Don Ho School of Music. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![swampspruce](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampspruce/32/261_2.png) [@swampspruce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampspruce)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2016, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736/171 "2016-01-14T18:20:11Z")
> [@EmilyG](#): > > Haha, I always enjoy this thread. 🙂 I don’t know, **EmilyG** , it sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself of this more than us…😃 ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2016, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736/172 "2016-01-14T19:51:50Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > The third kid should be teaching ESL, not being graded on it. _nitpick_: We score and place for ESL, remedial, and regular English. * * * slight hijack: We also flag essays whose writers show signs of what may be psychosis, suicidal ideation, threats, and more. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2016, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736/173 "2016-01-14T19:55:09Z")
> [@vivalostwages](#): > > slight hijack: We also flag essays whose writers show signs of what may be psychosis, suicidal ideation, threats, and more. :eek: Oh, good grief, what does that look like? Besides the obvious, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2016, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736/174 "2016-01-14T20:10:24Z")
> [@vivalostwages](#): > > … slight hijack: We also flag essays whose writers show signs of what may be psychosis, suicidal ideation, threats, and more. :eek: There’s your next thread right there. “Psychotic assessment gems.” ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2016, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736/175 "2016-01-14T20:59:58Z")
> [@Hampshire](#): > > Do you live on Noman? Cause Noman is an island. Untrue. I worked with Noman. He was kinda peninsula-shaped. ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2016, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736/176 "2016-01-15T00:33:19Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > Oh, good grief, what does that look like? Besides the obvious, of course. ## I just flagged one the other day. It was quite well written, but the guy said that when he got into the habit of smoking two or three bowls a day, he lost his “hideous and obese” wife and “retarded” kids. That wasn’t the problem, though. He had said at the start that voices in his head had been telling him to kill himself, and ended the essay by saying that he has to keep smoking bowls daily to prevent those voices from coming back. I flagged another last year in which the fellow remarked that life kept dealing him one blow after another and there were some days when he just wanted to put a bullet in his brain. * * * We can’t force these folks to get help, but we can express concerns and direct them to our resources or refer them to such. ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2016, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736/177 "2016-01-15T00:34:19Z")
We also get A LOT of essays written by young women who have already been raped or molested. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2016, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736/178 "2016-01-15T00:38:50Z")
You’ve been holding out on us! ---
**Author:** ![Punoqllads](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d2c977/32.png) [@Punoqllads](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Punoqllads)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2016, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736/179 "2016-01-15T01:19:41Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > Oh, good grief, what does that look like? Besides the obvious, of course. Ukulele proficiency? ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2016, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736/180 "2016-01-15T04:13:04Z")
We also get the random “I’m too good to be here taking this stupid writing test/fuck the system/etc.” paragraphs. If they’re completely off-topic (they were supposed to pick one of three prompts to write about), they have to retest. If not, we can still evaluate the writing for its strengths or weaknesses regardless of the writer’s bitching. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-latest-assessment-essay-gems/686736.md?page=10)