# The long and winding divorce..... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 1, 2012, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510 "2012-11-01T01:44:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/201 "2012-12-24T01:16:01Z")
> [@Rhiannon8404](#): > > I think telling her on your own is the best idea. If your wife wants to talk to her, she can call her or email her or something later. I don’t think your mom will feel duped. If she’s at all reasonable, she will understand exactly why you chose to tell her when you did. Are you thinking this will be a complete bombshell for your mom? or do you think maybe she’s seen it coming? Good question. I don’t think she will have seen it coming. It will be a shocker, but we share intelligence and pragmatism; for 76 years old she’s still a sharp lady. She still golfs and curls and is not yer typical granny. I love my mum on a number of levels. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/202 "2012-12-24T01:21:44Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Good question. I don’t think she will have seen it coming. It will be a shocker, but we share intelligence and pragmatism; for 76 years old she’s still a sharp lady. > > She still golfs and curls and is not yer typical granny. I love my mum on a number of levels. She sounds amazing. I’m sure she’ll understand why you chose to tell her when you did, if not right away, pretty soon after. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/203 "2012-12-24T04:55:29Z")
> [@Rhiannon8404](#): > > \ or do you think maybe she’s seen it coming? I don’t think she’ll be as surprised as you think, **Leaffan**. If you’ve told her anything like the things you’ve shared on the Dope before you actually announced your divorce, she’ll know that things haven’t been rosy between you and your wife for some years now - I don’t know about other Dopers, but I wasn’t surprised at all. I also think she’ll pick up on what’s going on in the house when she stays there, but if she’s anything like my mom, she’ll ask you discreetly about it, or not ask at all and wait for you to volunteer information. I don’t think waiting until after Christmas will make her feel duped - most people understand that people do try to put a good face on things at the Christmas season (which increases the stress, unfortunately). ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/204 "2012-12-24T05:21:16Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I don’t think waiting until after Christmas will make her feel duped - most people understand that people do try to put a good face on things at the Christmas season (which increases the stress, unfortunately). Thanks. It really would be very uncomfortable to share the news and then say, “So! What are we going to do for the next three days?” Things aren’t THAT much different than they’ve been in previous years. Like I’ve said, my wife and I don’t hate one another. We’re not hurling plates around the house. Things will start to get messy in the new year when I change my direct deposit account and suddenly make her ask me for money, as opposed to the way things are now. But, well, merry Christmas folks. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/205 "2012-12-24T05:43:22Z")
> [@LurkerInNJ](#): > > You neglected to keep an eye on your family finances also. > > Take your head out of the sand and come clean to your mother about the fact that you are divorcing at least. I missed this originally. What exactly do you mean here? For years and years my wife was entrusted to pay the bills, and she did. Sometime last year she surreptitiously decided to stop paying a bill in my name. You think I am negligent in some way? Please explain this. My anger boils over thinking about this and you somehow think I’m to blame! ETA: I don’t want a mod warning over this dipshit asinine comment. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/206 "2012-12-24T05:46:29Z")
Marriage is **DOUBLE-PLUS EVIL!!!** :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/207 "2012-12-24T06:21:22Z")
I can see how the finances could get messed up; I do all the financial stuff in our household (my husband asked me to show him how to log into our online banking account a couple of years ago so he would know how at least), and he trusts me to look after stuff, and I do. I could be screwing around and doing wrong things, and it would probably take a fairly long time for him to discover it if I tried to cover it up, and I don’t consider my husband to be neglectful or irresponsible. You divide up duties in a marriage, and you assume that the other person isn’t screwing you over. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 6:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/208 "2012-12-24T06:57:03Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I can see how the finances could get messed up; I do all the financial stuff in our household (my husband asked me to show him how to log into our online banking account a couple of years ago so he would know how at least), and he trusts me to look after stuff, and I do. I could be screwing around and doing wrong things, and it would probably take a fairly long time for him to discover it if I tried to cover it up, and I don’t consider my husband to be neglectful or irresponsible. You divide up duties in a marriage, and you assume that the other person isn’t screwing you over. I totally agree with what you said here, **Cat Whisperer**. The only thing that bothers me is that the money was being deposited into an account that **Leaffan** didn’t have access to. I take care of 95% of the finances in our household, but **Suburban Plankton** still has access to all the accounts. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/209 "2012-12-24T17:20:59Z")
> [@Rhiannon8404](#): > > I totally agree with what you said here, **Cat Whisperer**. The only thing that bothers me is that the money was being deposited into an account that **Leaffan** didn’t have access to. I take care of 95% of the finances in our household, but **Suburban Plankton** still has access to all the accounts. Sucks, don’t it? ---
**Author:** ![ekedolphin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ekedolphin/32/10003_2.png) [@ekedolphin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ekedolphin)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/210 "2012-12-24T17:37:34Z")
I’ve read the entire thread before opting to comment. I don’t pretend to understand the legal complexities involved, I don’t know the OP, haven’t been following his problems with his wife prior to this thread, and I myself am single, never been married and don’t have kids. Therefore weight my advice accordingly, but I also agree that waiting until Mom’s just about to leave would be a mistake. On the other hand, there’s nothing that says you have to tell her soon after she arrives, either. Wait a little while. Good luck. I know this can’t help but put a pall over the entire holiday season, but thinking about the future that lies ahead of you, which will hopefully be happier, I hope will help. ---
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/211 "2012-12-24T20:17:37Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > So, I’m taking in all this advice and am appreciative of it all. Mum’s here now; I just picked her up. > > I really side with what **FloatyGimpy** says on this. Why else would she want to be part of this conversation with my mum, other than getting her side of the story out. And if that’s the case then I get to spill a wagon-load of beans on how our finances have been mismanaged over the years because of her neglect. This is private and no one needs to know this. Nor does my mum need to know the personal details of my personal shortcomings as described by my wife. > > Nothing good can come from including my wife in this conversation, can it? > > If I do this before the end of the visit it will be really uncomfortable for everyone. If I do this at the end of the visit I’m hearing that mum will feel duped. I’m thinking duped is a better option, and I’m thinking of telling her by myself on Boxing Day as she’s leaving. > > I’m not sure I feel comfortable with other options really. I’m still open to thoughts and suggestions, and thank you friends. Another vote for not including her. Her reasons for wanting to be a part of it is likely entirely selfish. To make sure you don’t trash her. Since she is already here, I’d think it be better if you tell her a soon as possible. Since it will be a relief for you and she may very well pick up on something that is ‘off’ in your household. Better for her as well to be able to absorb it while she’s there instead of letting her know right before she leaves, that may be kind of rough for her. You may feel that this will be really tough news for her to hear but compared to all of the other crappy news that we all have to eventually deal with in life. It ain’t great, but it isn’t the worst news a mother can hear. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/212 "2012-12-24T22:20:40Z")
> [@Rhiannon8404](#): > > I totally agree with what you said here, **Cat Whisperer**. The only thing that bothers me is that the money was being deposited into an account that **Leaffan** didn’t have access to. I take care of 95% of the finances in our household, but **Suburban Plankton** still has access to all the accounts. Yeah, that is off to me, too; I’m guessing **Leaffan** has well and truly learned his lesson about that, and it will never happen again. 🙂 On the other hand, utility accounts are strange beasts, and it wasn’t too long ago that I found out that they were all in my husband’s name, and I didn’t have access to any of them (just being the wife who lives at that address, you know, not anybody legitimate :rolleyes: ). We’ve tried to remedy that by having him add me to all of his accounts, but there is still some weird, sexist bullshit going on in the world. Uh, I think I had a point when I started that story - things happen in marriages that seem off to outsiders? ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/213 "2012-12-24T23:36:59Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Yeah, that is off to me, too; I’m guessing **Leaffan** has well and truly learned his lesson about that, and it will never happen again. 🙂 You betcha. Of course I don’t plan on getting into any kind of a relationship again. Ever. I really need a lot of me time at this point. ---
**Author:** ![Seanette](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/seanette/32/9139_2.png) [@Seanette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seanette)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/214 "2012-12-24T23:40:08Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Yeah, that is off to me, too; I’m guessing **Leaffan** has well and truly learned his lesson about that, and it will never happen again. 🙂 > > On the other hand, utility accounts are strange beasts, and it wasn’t too long ago that I found out that they were all in my husband’s name, and I didn’t have access to any of them (just being the wife who lives at that address, you know, not anybody legitimate :rolleyes: ). We’ve tried to remedy that by having him add me to all of his accounts, but there is still some weird, sexist bullshit going on in the world. Uh, I think I had a point when I started that story - things happen in marriages that seem off to outsiders? All our utility accounts are under my name, since I’m the one who handled setup and transfer between addresses. ---
**Author:** ![jools](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b3f665/32.png) [@jools](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jools)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/215 "2012-12-24T23:54:17Z")
Leaffan I do hope you have a nice Christmas with your kids and your mother. i have been following this thread with nothing to say, never having been married but I do hope you through relatively unscathed (sp?) ---
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2012, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/216 "2012-12-24T23:56:26Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > You betcha. Of course I don’t plan on getting into any kind of a relationship again. Ever. I really need a lot of me time at this point. I’ve been on me time for the past ten years, it’s awesome doing what you want, when you want. I’m the type of person where I don’t think I’m cut out for relationships, I just can’t jump through the constant hoops of banality that comes with most relationships, possibly I haven’t met the ‘one’ yet of course. But I ain’t looking for her anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2012, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/217 "2012-12-25T00:01:51Z")
> [@Ibanez](#): > > I’ve been on me time for the past ten years, it’s awesome doing what you want, when you want. I’m the type of person where I don’t think I’m cut out for relationships, I just can’t jump through the constant hoops of banality that comes with most relationships, possibly I haven’t met the ‘one’ yet of course. But I ain’t looking for her anymore. You sound just like me. I am so looking forward to the next stage. ---
**Author:** ![ptr2void](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ptr2void/32/3406_2.png) [@ptr2void](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ptr2void)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2012, 11:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/218 "2012-12-25T11:34:28Z")
> [@Ibanez](#): > > I’ve been on me time for the past ten years, it’s awesome doing what you want, when you want. I’m the type of person where **I don’t think I’m cut out for relationships** 0, I just can’t jump through the constant hoops of banality that comes with most relationships, possibly I haven’t met the ‘one’ yet of course. But I ain’t looking for her anymore. This is pretty much how I’m feeling nowadays myself. I have been in one long-term relationship after another for 28 years – since high school – and I’m just now coming to this realization :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2012, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/219 "2012-12-26T16:21:12Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > … > ETA: I’m responsible for paying the balance on my corporate card, which I’ve done. Perpetrating fraud? … Fraud is definitely not the right word. However, you could get into hot water at work. Because they take on the ultimate responsibility for the card (if the employee should fail to pay) they have the right to review everything. Depending on how strict they are, this could indeed lead to trouble. Chances are, as long as it’s paid on time they won’t really notice, but there is that outside chance of an audit. Not relevant to your situation, but my Amex (also corporate) feeds into the company’s expense system. If I need to submit an expense report, I need to account for all transactions even if they don’t require company reimbursement. I had one small expense (that I used the Amex for, before I found it was not eligible, so paid it myself) and had to document that and it had to be manually reviewed. I had a credit to the account, a reversal of an invalid charge from 2 years ago: the invalid charge didn’t feed into the system but the reversal did… similarly, had to document that and it was reviewed by a manager. Haven’t read the rest of the thread yet so this may be outdated, but you need to establish some kind of access to that account. Even if your wife is handling all the bills (which she isn’t!!), any significant joint assets should be visible to all parties. Hell, I have two small bank accounts on my own (total value \< 500 dollars) and my husband has all the passwords. Not that he uses them, or even bothers with the joint account, but he _could_. It always scares me when I hear of a spouse keeping money where the other spouse can’t see it. At the very least, it’s exerting an unnecessary level of control, and as you’re seeing it can be financially disastrous. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [December 26, 2012, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510/220 "2012-12-26T16:30:42Z")
OK, I see that Leaffan is setting up the different account starting in the new year, so ignore that comment above. Though, make sure your wife has access to reasonable personal / household money in the interim or the courts may choose to ignore the whole “hasn’t paid the bills on time, deliberately screwed up husband’s credit” thing in favor of “You cut off your poor wife from any independent money, you beast!!!”. A friend just found out that her estranged husband (living separately for some years now, just hadn’t formally divorced) had stopped paying the mortgage on the house she and the kids were living in. Their agreement had been that he would do that in lieu of child support. The house is jointly in her name, the mortgage was in his name alone - so the bank wouldn’t contact her or even talk to her. He hasn’t paid the mortgage in nearly a year, the house is being foreclosed on, and can’t be saved short of coming up with many thousands of dollars. Merry fucking Christmas. If she’d been on the mortgage, she might have known about this much sooner. So, another vote for transparency in financial affairs!!). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510.md?page=10) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-long-and-winding-divorce/639510.md?page=12)